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Billy Corgan is in the middle of campus strumming his acoustic guitar playing the Bonnie Raitt country classic swaying his corduroy hips back and forth to the music as he sings his own song: "let's give em Pumpkin to talk about..."
immediately a school minder picks up Corgan by the haunches and tosses him out the heavy green iron Carnegie Mellon gate onto the cobblestone outside.
Billy, crying: AGAIN!!! it happened to me AGAIN!!! i got kicked out of college!!! i'll show all you elites, i'll get back to delivering pizzas in my new old car to make enough money to make this first album, Gish, and my songs will cry out with chords, you'll FEEL me: the outcast, poor, ugly, me getting gatekeepered out of the good life. this music is FOR THE PEOPLE!!! the weirdos.
James Iha: so i got a job at the Research Triangle...
Mr. Belvedere is still on campus tho, he's performing in the circle. the tubby Englishman sings and dances a breakdancing spinaroonie.
Mr. Belvedere: "i don't see nothing wrong.........with a little bump and grind..."
Mr. Belvedere: so it turns out i was gay.........yeah, i mean this whole time nobody ever thought about that, i was just this character everyone in the world loved because i was witty and warm-hearted.
Mr. Belvedere: i did Falstaff in university.
Sir John Falstaff: the whole WIDE world. the word is rotund, fatty.
Alan Watts: THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK, LADY!!! MY DHARMA DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK!!!
Professor Raygun: you don't have a dharma dog.
Alan: how do you know, lady? i'm supposed to learn how to be a teacher from a teacher like you? being a student SUCKS.
Raygun: i popped and locked my way through your bedroom window last night.
Alan: this is what i get for doing the dorms instead of my own off-campus housing: my villa.
Raygun: look, man, i don't have time for your dreams, i'm busy filming the Breakin' reboot for Peacock. Mr. Watts, you can't consider yourself an official Zen Master unless you complete your degree.
Alan: catechism is for Catholicism!!!
Alan Watts runs away. he runs FAST out the door of the classroom inside the amphitheatre and runs like a bat out of hell ACROSS the BREADTH of the Carnegie Mellon campus without a compass from one corner to the far other corner. he is never seen again...
Alan: i'll be in a wood somewhere...
Raygun: he'll be back. they all come back. it's like cycling in Alabama, it's strange...
Billy Corgan, crying, starts in on the Carole King song "So Far Away."
Billy: i like the Rod Stewart version better, so sue me. i can still play, the minder broke me not my acoustic guitar. "doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?" i got no friends and no future. my happiness is so far away. my career goals and livelihood are so far away. they wouldn't give me a scholarship, i didn't qualify, i didn't meet their standards, i didn't live up to my potential, because i didn't make the university band playing the tuba. man this life sucks.
me: i wish i had a pink box of 12 glazed donuts in front of me right now.
Jen R: in the pink grandma sweater box.
Jimi Hendrix: to glaze means to rock.
Julie Patzwald: so after roaming the campus of Carnegie Mellon this week, forcibly opening a few locked doors, we've come away with our perfect goth-band name: Pussy Bow.
D'arcy: Jimmy has been a perfect gentleman. a fellow, a fella, a feller.
Billy: you just love him because he brings you a different flower each week.
D'arcy: freshly cut, you tall-ass bridge troll.
Billy: "Feller," that's a good name for a song...
Jimmy Chamberlin: i only drink when it's a $26,000 bottle of champagne for many special occasions...
Kevin Smith: Onomatopoeia? i was trying to do Rorschach or something but he ended up being that sound-effects guy Michael Winslow from Police Academy...
Edgar Allan Poe: onomatopoeia was named after me...
Billy Crudup: was my best work the Allman Brothers rocker or Doctor Manhattan?...
Shirley Valentine.
Shirley Valentine: i mean, doesn't the cocoa already have sugar in it?...
Shirley speaking to her daughter's wall: someone with a goddess name like Milandra shouldn't be a brat like this...
Anna Keaveney: hey Wikipedia, no one is Low Importance, every human has value.
Shirley: being naked with a Greek man was more fun than being naked with my newlywed husband in a tub.
Costas the Greek man with the mustache: i call you Shirl.
Simone Biles: this is Greece but it ain't the Olympics. only at the Olympics will you be asked to pay for a $26,000 bottle of champagne...
Costas: dreams.........they're never in the place you think they're gonna be.........how's that for an opening line?...
Costas: Princess Diana and i are just friends...
Shirley: all men are bullshitters.
Shirley: most blokes don't know how to talk to birds. men can't talk to women...
Costas: let me interrupt you, i listen to your heart. Autumn in New York, right? that is why you are here in Greece.
Shirley Valentine: the ending? i became a poet like my son. i entered into a lesbian relationship with Joanna Lumley, wasn't that such a warm encounter we had?
Joanna Lumley: quite. an encounter of longing and wistful desire. the lifelong friendship that never was. maiden mates. our love shack is in Gurkha territory, we'll be at peace there.
Tai: doing your exercises on your chair is how you get a massage when no one's around...
Jen R: okay so in my dream i'm in this HUGE-ASS warehouse and i'm completely lost. there are no exit signs, no entrance signs for that matter, no doors, no windows, just neon light and the smell of lilac. endless stairs, endless rooms, endless levels, endless roofs.
Kung-Fu Master: endless ceilings.
Jen: no elevators. turns out it's a Pokemon palace but i'm not into Pokemon cards at all.
me: are you telling me it's time for me to try to escape the '80s?...
Kung-Fu Master: Japanese people, my precious Japanese kin, don't die in your rooms, escape the room, karate your way out...
Jules Smith is at the parish council.
Jules Smith: i call this meeting to order.
me: aye *)
Jules: first and last item on the minutes, let's only put cold pizza in the community air fryer from now on, not French fries.
Jen R: why doesn't Domino's Pizza deliver?.........on DoorDash?...
me: Jules, on the count of three, mah dahlin, we both say "I love you" in front of the boys...
Shirley Valentine: "I love you" is not the cure-all to all of life's problems. "I love you" doesn't fix a thing.
Annie Lennox: ...
Gavin Newsom: there are no longer any tobacco sales in California. i realize this is the home of Hollywood, the home of COOL, but can't we still be cool without having to light up and pretend that we're smoking cigarettes?...
Gavin Newsom: i am not Gavin Rossdale. i have no idea who Gwen Stefani is.
Robert Mapplethorpe: i'm not just JFK Jr. when he got kinky...
Brussels: nobody's here anymore. nobody's on Instagram. all that remains are the staggered steps of the old city. that one door with a star above it. the lower light.
Madame Pons eating a croque madame in Paris three weeks after the Olympics: i missed everything. is Tom Hiddleston still here?
McDonald's: we're in Paris now. with our Sausage + Egg McMuffins. Hiddleston slung Mireille onto the back of his motorcycle and scootered back to Yale.
Sasuke: no fair!!! i get dekopin'd by my older brother Itachi and he gets to keep the dog!!!
Sakura: dekopin me, Sasuke.
Sasuke: do you have a dog?
Moses Malone roams the halls of James Buchanan High School in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn, in the 1970s.
Moses Malone: i play basketball here. but not for long.
Arnold Horshack: you planning a B&E?
Moses: no, i'm gonna be the first prep-to-pro.
Mr. Kotter: where's Washington? oh shit, we left him on the bus!!! this was the Sweathogs' first field trip, you see, we left Washington in Washington, D.C....
Ludacris: remember Otter Pops when we were kids? i'm just doing my part to show the melting glaciers are a bad thing for the planet.
glacier graveyard: ...
Crystal Dunn: i've always been a trailblazer and this was a first: the names of someone's pet chickens are on their Wikipedia page.
UN in NYC: come on, the United Nations is cool. after we use a building it becomes an ice-skating rink and a place for roller derby...
Dr. Robbins: my daughter is a spry one.
Mel Robbins: a spitfire.
Dr. Robbins: an ice rink.
me: in my dream Uncle Wiggily is IMPLORING the little chefs of a greasy spoon backstage to NOT prepare Welsh rarebit.
Uncle Wiggily: rabbit meat does not taste good. don't add meat, make the Welsh rarebit like a vegan pizza...
The Twilight Zone "20/20 Vision".
Michael Moriarty: have you EVER seen me smile?...
Carlos Alcaraz: i am upset...
Julia Butterfly Hill: i created my own monastery in the trees...
Abbot Butt: Julia Butterfly Hill, her location in California is near enough to us for her to be our first female monk.
Thomas Merton: i'm on it...
Lucio Rossi: omg a public payphone!!! i thought they were all gone. vanished. i'm checking my pocket for a dime...
rain room in an arts museum on the Carnegie Mellon campus: it's just the fire sprinklers on the ceiling overhead turned on with the lights out...
Billy Corgan: one way or another, i'm gonna getcha, i'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha. i'm gonna get all you elites, you'll see, i'll become a Republican. i shall have my revenge with all these songs on this album, they're all great songs. about my pain, back pain, and struggle. about how life sucks when you're not the popular kids.
Billy Corgan switches to his electric guitar and starts playing the Smashing Pumpkins song "I Am One."
Robert Plant: come on, man, that's the Led Zeppelin song "Immigrant Song."
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