me: can i smoke your pipe?
Alan Watts: my pipe is chocolate.
the mushroom room is decked out on all walls with African heirlooms, relics, and jeweled wristbands. it looks like the set of Bell, Book and Candle.
me: how do i avoid lucid nightmares?
Alan Watts: you have to sleep in the fetal position like i do. first thing you do when you wake up is adjust your pants, i turn my pants back to the right-angle position after i have cummed in the night. my whole life is a beige flag.
me: i strive to be an almond-rose flag.
Alan: i could have been another garden thief. one of those thieves in the night who shoplift Target out of business. but the elevated drive-thru elevated my consciousness. you learn why you're making what you're making, why it is an unhealthy poo.
me: i identify with you.
Alan: at this point in my life i haven't much, but one Vanquish a day and one sugar donut a day is enough to keep me going for one more day.
Alan: you hear that faint music coming from the balcony?
me: sounds like wind chimes.
Alan: it's actually my aura body playing the toy piano. we're playing Gymnopedie No. 1 by Erik Satie on toy piano. you know, the My Dinner with Andre music.
Alan: time for my back rub.
me: what?
Alan: this is the way i ease into my lucid dreams.
me: this massage table is very Boxing Helena.
Alan: you're right, let's move under to my fuzzy cot.
i'm ready with the notebook. Alan Watts hands me a sawed-off pencil from behind his ear.
Alan: use this. see this lower bone on my back? the lowest-rung back bone?
Alan points this out blind with just his third eye, feeling around his back with his long spidery fingers.
Alan: you massage that one backbone right there and CLICK i fall into a deep sleep.
Alan has fallen instantly asleep on his stomach and hasn't said a word for hours.
me: i guess i did it. i never knew i had the magic to be a masseuse. i guess i have the touch. my friends and family were always encouraging me, talking up my magic fingers, they said i had the cold hands for it.
Jen R: love doesn't come easy. it takes a lifetime of thinking you're never going to get married. but just when you're near death you'll meet someone just before it's too late and be featured in one of those CNN travel articles...
Storybook International: you never see any of the characters going to school...
Suzy Lu: bless him.
The Pope: you interested in becoming a female priest? the Catholicism numbers have been fucking DWINDLING since the '80s...
Suzy Lu: i know how to treat a man.
Yamcha: i play baseball.
Steejo: that ain't fair. i did all that kickboxing shite for nothing.
me: i now have to make you three meals a day?
mom: remember when i made you three meals a day all throughout your childhood? you don't remember ANY of those meals...
Greykid: i require a hidey bed. or it's not a proper Christmas. the cattery is nice and all but a cat needs his Fortress of Solitude. his sanctuary. his place away from it all, far from the madding cat crowd, the hustle and bustle of everyday cat life.
me: please analyze my dream
Jen R: shoot.
me: i'm in the world of that 1970s Britcom The Liver Birds.
Polly James: i'm the blonde bird. my tits are bigger than they appear. i look and talk like a parrot. i make Scouse sexy.
Nerys Hughes: i'm the brunette bird. i'm the Welsh goddess.
Jen: i will not analyze sex dreams.
Marianne Faithfull: i'm a Liver Bird, too. i dumped Mick Jagger at a '70s party to get with Alain Delon, i know what's up.
Mick Jagger: English lips were not meant for French cigarettes.
me: we're at that junk shop from the pilot episode of Sanford and Son.
Jen: it's not a junk shop, it's an antiques dealer.
The Liver Birds: rag-and-bone.
me: in this shop i rummage through a hill and find a porcelain statuette of a phoenix.
Jules Smith: except it's a liver bird that. i'm a Liver Bird, too.
Jen: your dream means you need to become British to sweep, both meanings, Jules off her feet.
Jen: do me.
me: i wish. i mean surely.
Jen: i'm at a San Francisco Giants baseball game. Steve Perry from the stands leads the crowd in the 7th- inning-stretch song. this time the song is Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'."
Steve Perry: my long hair got chopped off. i have a paunch belly. rock stars aging ain't pretty.
Tom Jones: except me.
Steve Perry: strangely i'm not a Boston fan...
Jen: Steve Perry races down the stairs to get everyone involved in the singalong. it's an inspirational song that makes us all feel better. Steve introduces his family to the crowd.
Steve Perry: these are my twin boys Washed Out and Brothertiger. they compose music, too, they build on my melodies adding their disco beats.
Brothertiger: it's called Gen Z Vaporwave, dad.
Washed Out: hey Brothertiger, let's not fight. let's not be jealous of each other. we're brothers, remember? we're the same music boy but you have long hair.
Brothertiger: okay. i'll do it for Mowgli.
me: Washed Out is your husband, right?
Jen R: yeah.
Washed Out: the car wash in my "A Dedication" music video, you get it now? car wash, washed out...
Caitriona Perry: you like my pro-video-gamer headphones and fuzz mic?...
the full moon: the best time for a sleepover...
Garth of the Forest: no guns here. just bows and arrows. i honor Robin Hood here...
Jannik Sinner: Arnold Schwarzenegger is my friend. we're both clean. i don't go clubbing, the only club i go to is a tennis club. social media created AI robots with machine guns.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: i feed Jannik carrots, that's it.
the ocean: the sky is blue? that's not fair.
Greykid: you just assume i like my food bowl on the left and my water bowl on the right.........i do actually...
actually: a very British word...
liver bird: the late phoenix but British and cooler.
Rod Laver: i ate seaweed ONCE when i was naked with Mary Berry.
Trinity: in Germany i'm a living-room tiger...
The Three Stooges: come here, you brat.
Jackie Coogan: what? i didn't do nothin', mister. i'm the first child actor, you gotta be nice to me.
The Three Stooges: we had to replace all the windows you threw rocks into...
Matterhorn: lady with the many stars and Statue of Liberty torch...
beautiful: beat the flu...
The Liver Birds: the only TV show in history where the entire first season went missing...
Gay Masters: i saved Ukraine.
Jason Day: you don't like my butt, madam? you wish i'd have worn parachute pants? like MC Hammer? i had on my Crocodile Dundee clothes this morning for morning tee.
Lou Gehrig: why was i so good? i was allergic to my bat. my batting glove gave me hives. i'm allergic to my tattoos. but not my MOM heart tattoo on my butt.
me: Jen, you soothe my life. you're such a calming influence on me. i got you back, that's all that matters.
Jen R: i'm your Sleepytime Tea.
me: just the thought that you'll probably be here tomorrow is enough for me.
Jen R: be here now.
Paula Abdul: the promise promise promise of a new day.
Jen R: because you never know.
Rhys Ifans: WELSH, baby. remember, WELSH. what are my fans called?...
Rhys Ifans: my fans are called We-fans. or Rhys's Pieces.
Skylar at Safeway: why have dividers at the supermarket checkout-lane conveyor belt? those divider bars. it's just one more thing that divides us. that bars us from coming together as one people.
girl from Elm Elementary in the Target commercial: let's do this commercial over, Target. we don't want me saying Little Women is about really short girls. girls are 10 times smarter than boys at age 10.
Boc: it's strange but i don't mind dogs at the mall, just not on the walking trails...
Bowzer the bulldog: i enjoy a good aperol.
Hitomi from The Vision of Escaflowne: are we all this lonely? not JUST when we're in love...
Alan Watts awakens from his lucid dream.
Alan: i expect that notebook to be FILLED with your weird-ass pencil sketchings of forest temples on distant planets and all the words and symbols i uttered in strange alien languages.
me: i am so sorry, sir. you uttered not a peep. you lain here motionless on this soft slab for three hours. i thought you were dead.
Alan Watts: sigh. fine. okay, plan two. i'll give you some more insight. think about a human life. it's a good thing human life lasts 100 years, or you wouldn't have the time to make a family of your own. imagine if a human life only lasted 10 years...
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