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Billy Corgan: anybody know a drummer? D'arcy, have you fucked a drummer?
D'arcy Wretzky: i'll pretend i didn't hear that.........but i did...
James Iha: i know a guy.
Ralph Bakshi: i'm just over here drinking my crotchety old-man Coke. crotchety Coke.
Billy: wait, sir, get a load of us first before you make your God judgement.
the three in the band mount the small syrupy stage.
the Smashing Pumpkins perform the Laid Back song "White Horse."
Ralph Bakshi: no dice. tho i do love your Sgt. Pepper's silkscreen shirts. very paisley. in the '60s i was still cool.
Billy Corgan: i don't give a fuck about Oasis. we met at a Princeton pub, they were rude to me. all their songs are fluff, they're not deep. while serious grunge is going on they're doing light airy Britpop. they have a song about drinking champagne while driving.
Alan Watts: and morning glory is masturbation.
Billy: they even have a song "Live Forever" that MAKES FUN of depresso guys like Eddie Vedder. "Don't Look Back in Anger," they copied that song from the Beatles, that makes me angry, i turn my head at them like Live.
Liam Gallagher: mate, Gerard Way is your bastard son.
Billy: shut up about that!!! that's a sensitive subject for me, shut up!!! i'm sore about that. i'm gonna write a song called "To Forgive" with the line bastard son about my son Gerard Way, i call him Gerry, who is my way, not Jesus, Jesus was an only son for God.
Alan Watts attends his first really hard rigorous college class at Carnegie Mellon taught by Professor Raygun.
Raygun: Mr. Watts, i'll make you a deal: you take me seriously, i take you seriously...
Alan Watts: this is too much homework, miss. i need to think.
Raygun: you're not in high school anymore, man. or even, like, 5th Grade. if you want to graduate from this university with a degree in Being a Zen Buddhist Monk, you'll have to go through me!!! i want a 200-page essay from you on the Zen-ness of flowers on my desk tomorrow morning at 1AM.
Alan: THAT'S SOME BUDDHA BULLSHIT, LADY!!!
Raygun: you wanna go? i'm not above challenging my own students.
Alan: i shall lay down the gauntlet, madam.
Raygun: let's take it outside, dance-off right now on the library steps...
Billy and Alan console each other after in the library.
Alan: i'm silly, ey? i'm a silly man, aren't i. it's just Zen is so cool, Catholicism is so stuffy. being a Catholic is like being a stuffed shirt like you.
Billy: i wear sweaters. hockey jerseys are called hockey sweaters.
Alan: paint that picture of Americana for your third double-album.
Billy: should i start lifting weights or something?
Alan: no no no, do NOT go down Trent's path. i'm sorry, sensitivity is strength, i forgot about that. especially in men. we softies have to stick together.
D'arcy: okay which of you picked the better flower for me illegally digging on campus?
James Iha: nobody noticed me because i'm so small.
Billy: ditto for me. exactly the same experience but change mine to big.
D'arcy holds up her long straight silky golden hair with her hand as she sinks her head into the water vase, closing her eyes as she takes a BIG WHIFF of the flowers into every pore of her nostrils.
D'arcy: THAT'S how you smell flowers. men don't realize this when they give women flowers: every time the woman INHALES DEEPLY the flowers each day, day after day, she remembers her man's scent. soon the flower smell replaces the man's hairy-crotch smell in her tub.
Billy: who wins?
D'arcy: sorry, Billy, James wins, you had your typical red roses, Billy.
Billy: what's wrong with roses?
D'arcy: they're roses. James got me exotic black-and-white-striped zebra flowers.
James Iha: very gish...
at the wedding of Meryl Streep and Martin Short, Meryl Streep is wearing a black Three Amigos suit and sombrero.
Meryl Streep: i make this look good. but this is kinda weird.
Martin Short: do the thrust, Meryl, do the thrust.
Meryl Streep: i can't do the Three Amigos Salute, my tits are too big for the crossed-arms-on-your-chest step...
Matt at Safeway: know why my face always looks so fucking WIZENED all the time? my eyes are always sad, i've never smiled in my life, i always look like i've just been told i have to fix the ice machine AGAIN and i won't get paid for overtime because nobody works here anymore. because Safeway. because i work at Safeway. my lines are not the lines at a grocery store, they're the lines on my fucking face.
at the wedding of Judith Light and Tony Danza on the Carnegie Mellon campus, Tony Danza starts dancing.
Tony Danza: Danza is Italian for dance.
Judith Light: wait this is happening in real life?...
Tony Danza: all wedding dances from around the world came from Italy.
Judith Light: i can't tell what's real and what's TV anymore...
Johnny Mathis: what would we do, baby, without us? Family Ties would be NOTHING without me.
Brian Bonsall: without us. just making a joke.
Johnny Mathis: that song of mine is a new category i invented: tender yacht rock.
Brian Bonsall: i guess i'm in a band with Tina Yothers or something?...
Alan Watts: you know those funerals where they show a video-projector projection of slides of the person on a screen above the coffin and each slide changes after 10 seconds? that whole thing is creepy.
Steejo: Naruto?
Suzy Lu: i'm saying narrator, the word narrator in Scottish.
Steejo: feed me, woman.........for the past three months i've just eaten 90 cans of beans...
Shirley Valentine.
Boc: this is the only dog i'm not scared of: a bloodhound that eats mueslix.
pub gal: you have an eggboard on your bed?
Shirley Valentine: for the chips and egg after sex. clitoris is a name...
Alan Watts: the worst is when your second family becomes lonely.
son: i'm a poet, mum.
Shirley Valentine: well it's better than being a nutter like that Ian Curtis boy.
Julia McKenzie: no i don't solve mysteries in Maine. i became vegan after i saved the foxes from the hunt.
Akira Kurosawa: thank you, random lady, one of those foxes was my father.
friend: no boring Englishman listens to Bobby Brown.
Skylar: Shirley's right about the supermarket sex. i ring up ten dozen Shirley Valentines a day at Safeway, especially at 10AM...
me: i'm a housewife. i live like a housewife.
Jen R: except you're not married.
Laertus: but why is this movie written by a man?...
me: remember the Travel section of Waldenbooks in the '80s? i slept on that carpet.
granny grabber: it's a stick...
Capp: nobody cares, that's the problem with the world.
Jen R: but do YOU care?
Capp: no.
Amanda Knox: do NOT go to that same Italian court to solve the mystery of the yacht bodies!!!
Lucio Rossi: Italian vessels don't sink.
Johnny Mathis: this is NOT tender yacht rock.
New Zealand: let's get back to oracle cards...
Alan Watts: get a second family mostly for the SECOND HOUSE...
Abbot Butt: people mostly join the monastery to be left the fuck alone.
Enigma: i have the best panpipes.
Aztec music: no, we do...
Indiana Jones hat: the white-lady pumpkin spice latte sombrero.
Claudine Pepin aboard the Sirena: Claudine Cruise!!! it's a boat, not Tom. food excursion. 9 days and 9 nights. sample my caviar, cunt, and crouton. don't get wet, you can't swim...
John Lennon: imagine: the Beatles scoring the music for the global Age of Aquarius...
Mayim Bialik: are you really a punk?
Anthony Michael Hall: no way.
Mayim Bialik: did you say new wave?...
me: should i get a sleeve tattoo? tattoo sleeves. would that make me sexier? i need to get a wife.
Jen R: only if you come from the Islands.
me: should i get a sleeve tattoo?
Lindy Lenz: do you come from the Islands?
me: if you say yes i do...
Lindy: get a tattoo to have lunch with me...
Pete Sampras: i can do Broadway...
Jannik Sinner: where's my dinner?
Arnold Schwarzenegger: you want some sugar?
Jannik: why doesn't anybody in the stands root for me anymore?
Arnold: carrots are root vegetables.
Jannik: it was my asthma medicine.
Arnold: you don't have asthma.
Jannik: i developed asthma the first time you shot at me as The Terminator.
Steven Tyler at CVS: got any nose spray?...
pledge season: not a frat, PBS public television.
me: in my dream, Mel Robbins is on the set of her latest local venture talking to me about the biz.
Mel Robbins: getting a TV show on the air is a bitch. it takes shitloads of money, even local TV. i'm just trying to help the community with my pop psychology and jokes.
Jen R: you're helping according to your limited means.
Mel: limited resources. fuck sponsors, i need an angel investor.
Akira Kurosawa: or a devil investor.
Jen R: we are all Mel Robbins: kind of famous, kind of a psych nurse.
Dr. Robbins: my daughter is a spry one.
Caitlin's Way: would you rather go to juvenile hall or a rehab ranch in Montana with horses?
Caitlin: juvie.
Fiona Apple: i only write music when i'm angry or sad. if i'm having a good time, why would i stop that good time to write at my dusty piano? i look bombed. too much apple sauce. too much McDonald's apple pies.
Quentin Tarantino: too much me on our first date...
David Blaine: you married and had 9 kids with me, Fiona Apple. i call her Fiona Pie on the phone.
Fiona Apple: our honeymoon period was nice, i felt i was always levitating. and then i woke up one morning alone in my dark NYC hotel room with the curtains drawn closed and i thought to myself, did i really marry a magician?...
David Blaine: i'm the only human who's ever flown.
Brewster McCloud: ...
Schoolkate playing tennis: wanna get back together with Kate Newcom from St. Cyril's?
me: yes.
Seb Korda: you think it's easy for me? when i wear this hairband?
Medvedev playing tennis while drinking a Honey Deuce: i get no respect. i'm always underrated. i'm always angry. i'm the Mad Russian, i'm a character in an '80s Nintendo sports game, Mike Tyson's Punch Out For Tennis. i know Soda Popinski. i don't know for sure because it's Siberia but Soda was probably my father.
solo trip: humans were not supposed to have evolved into this. we are meant to be together. this is not the way it was supposed to happen...
Maya Joint playing tennis: i'm using ALL the new money i'm getting for more marijuana and more dreadlocks. college is gonna be fun this semester, i'm gonna perform a seance in my Michigan dorm room to bring back Bob Marley better than that film could. one love, bitches.
Jimmy Chamberlin: have you seen my hoe?
Billy Corgan: pardon me, sir? i like your muscles. and your muscle shirt. and your square head, you got a beefiness to you, sir. you're the jock i could never be. i like your Luffy hat.
Jimmy: cowboy hats are lame.
Billy: whatcha up to? why are you sweating all the time?
Jimmy: not drugs, i'm the campus gardener.
Alan Watts: you're an herbalist!!!
Jimmy: no i garden. long hours under the the beating hot sun, no pay.
D'arcy: i like this guy.
Jimmy: i stick my fingers in holes. dirt mostly. i was planting some clumps of red roses and zebra flowers around here but somebody picked them clean.
Billy: James Iha is a criminal.
Jimmy Chamberlin: they force me to wear jean overalls.
Billy Corgan: are you a drummer?
Jimmy: yes. i will fundamentally change the Smashing Pumpkins sound.
Billy: yeah, i can sell the drum machine to get a car.
Jimmy: no, now the Pumpkins can actually ROCK!!!
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