TOPTENNIS

 

Jen R and i are at Toptennis.

Jen R: it's like a Topgolf but it's tennis.

Tiger Woods: what exactly is Topgolf?

Jen: it's like combining miniature golf with batting cages, a Sherman Oaks Galleria dream!!! sit around on white couches drinking prosecco hitting a tennis ball as high and far as possible to reach a circle hole.

Chris Evert: don't look at me.

Martina Navratilova: but not as HARD.

me: do we have a patent on this thing yet?

Jen: no.

me: good. i want to make money doing a graphic novel with you instead.

at the Toptennis cage just next to us on the driving range that TV show Phenom is being discussed.

Judith Light: Tony Danza was a boxer?...

Angela Goethals: my name was Angela on the show too, just to make things easier. for the writers and on-set directors, i went to Vassar.

Kurt Cobain with a tennis racquet in his right hand and a powder-blue guitar in his left hand: i'm a leftie like Nadal. i was JUST still alive during this show's My So-Called Life run...  

Angela Goethals: Angela Doolan, Angela Chase chasing Jordan Catalano, see how everything connects celestially like a tennis cyclops?

Danny Phantom: ...

Genie Bouchard: tennis balls as big as a high-school girl's breasts? impossible. 

me: this show had Southern California, a parochial high school run by Catholic nuns, and tennis as a way out, this would have been my life if i had chosen tennis...

Aunt Cork and Uncle Russ: everyone in Manhattan Beach, from real-estate agents to former actresses to Body Glove employees, has that Manhattan Beach Face, you know?...

me: did you fall asleep due to the prosecco?

Jen: no it's National Nap Day, i'm being a good citizen. when i nap while we're having sex, it's not a knock against you, i'm just fulfilling my duty. are we in Vegas?

me: yes.

Jen: Spotlight 29 Casino is the best part about Coachella now, i don't know ANY of these bands, i'm a grannie who eats frosted cookies. where were we last week?

me: Cunard.

Jen: ah yes that chic craft, British beauty boat,

Julie Smith: paratha bread looks like English muffins.

Jen: shimmer ship. nobody read about our adventure there last week so it's like it never happened, you know?

me: let's talk about us.

Jen: my favorite subject.

me: we're the SAME PERSON, you know? why can't we be together?

Jen: you gotta relax about us. breathe and let it FLOW, let it take 3 years, you know?

i kiss Jen.

me: this is how i know we're soulmates, that was the most non-sexual kiss of all time.

Jen: agreed.

me: what we have is PURE LOVE. you're the first person i ever made moon eyes at, i didn't know i could MAKE moon eyes. i always imagined YOU'd be the one with the moon eyes, your eyes are magic like the moon.

Jen: it's a Mellon Collie Smashing Pumpkins thing.

Miss Piggy on the Toptennis circle stage: it's MY turn to tell a joke, mister man. move out of my spotlight, frog!!!

Kermit the Frog: women are funny, i'm not just saying that.

Miss Piggy eating the mic: what do you call a pig with a frog in her throat?.........a woman with frogs on her face, you know, from the embarrassment.

at Worcester Public Library.

Jen: i got free tickets to the Worcester Public Library. that's exciting, right? we lead exciting lives, right?

it's a special day at the Worcester Public Library. it's Grey Cat Day.

Greykid: yes, the day grey cats try to capture photos of their humans sipping Earl Grey tea. i ALMOST got one on camera but he turned his head at the last minute...

Jean-Luc Picard: i don't like my cat seeing me bald.

Jen: don't you love libraries with STAIRS and fireplaces? hey what's with this tiny room? what happened to all the Coachella stages?!!!

Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers: it's one video-game room now, more profitable.

Kyle Brandt is in this room playing NES Ice Hockey from the '80s.

Kyle Brandt: the Nintendo Entertainment System, we took it for granted. this game got me through puberty, all my life i thought i was fat, that's why i developed a personality where i make many deadpan jokes. but with this game you could change the body-type of the hockey player with a push of the button, you could make him skinny, normal, or fat. 

fat hockey player: we call ourselves enforcers, not fat.

Kyle: that's when it dawned on me, i was never fat, i was stocky. muscular even!!! but it was too late for me to be a jock, i had already developed all the jokes so i went into broadcasting as a comedian...

anime: the only place where you KNOW the characters are hungry because their stomachs ALWAYS growl...

Sakura: so it turns out i'm Catholic. i have a marble Virgin Mary statue in my garden...

Naruto: religion? but we're NOTHING compared to the universe...

old man looking up at the stars: ...

Naruto moon: our moon eyes are gods...

Takahashi: the Starbucks cute cases come in 4 iced-coffee bottles to a box, tsk tsk. plus they're expensive...

workers: we're building a new fence for you for your front.

Jackie Fitzgerald: that's rude, i'm not that old.

workers: of course not, you're a gilf. an ACTUAL fence, one that's not automatic...

Jackie: you guys are gymlords.

workers: what did you call us?!!!

Jackie: no, gymlords. 

Boc in a flash-silver yellow jogging jumpsuit and tight black lycra bicycle short-shorts: ...

Boc: RuPaul's new autobiography is so deep you cannot enter the door to her sumptuous house, it's too hidden and secret and imbued with meaning, only RuPaul himself can take the journey to seek.

Hodor: speaking of door quests, i wish i had joined the hobbits...

RuPaul: it's like my own secret code, my own words and grimoire alphabet and cryptograms. bring your apple juice, this is gonna be a long journey for me to finally accept myself in this cruel world.........and try to reinvent this cruel world...

Abbot Butt: i could never be the President of of the United States of America, that job requires you to lie...

Abraham Lincoln: i mean it's more like keeping state secrets to prevent the country from toppling. i almost became a monk...

Abbot Butt: monks never perform Last Rites...

Martin Sheen: ...

Lucille Ball: that's not me on Rhoda...

Garfield the cat: i developed that show...

Lucy: i don't ACT on that show but i PRODUCED it.

Leaf Out: when the PeeChees and Trapper Keepers start coming in.

Jim Cantore: they never keep, not even in Minnesota winters...

Derek Jeter, Reggie Jackson, and Aaron Judge: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!...

RFK Jr.: wanna be my VP?

Aaron Rodgers: only if eventually i become the President of the United States of America. only if TikTok comes back, that's the only way i can talk to Joe Rogan. i'm only gonna be President for one day...

JFK: you're only gonna be President for one play. and i'm gonna have to clean up that mess of a play you make. your mess stinks like your cup. why would you give missiles to the Cubans?

Aaron: missiles?

JFK: those ugly ungainly gas-guzzler 1920s and 1950s Chevy Cabriolets. Cuba should have had electric cars in 1900...

Aaron: i'll talk to Elon about this. i threw the ball farther and more accurately than you in college.

JFK: yeah but in the Navy i gave Marilyn Monroe the spiral.

Michael Weiss: i'm transitioning.

Dirg: ...

Michael Weiss: ...away from Instagram...

Wendy's: so the new burgers have sand in them?...

Kathryn: no need for all the obloquy that gets thrown my way daily, make moon eyes at me and get a free Moonshine Shake!!! we're open late now, REAL late.

McDonald's Care Bears: ...

Elizabeth Banks: i'm not Chelsea Handler...

Planet Fitness: you want to go to our gym with your friend free? you don't have friends, that's why you're at a gym...

Mico's Chase commercial: Cecilia Tries It breaks through with her first commercial!!!

Rolex Oscars commercial: you will NEVER achieve the facial expression of Adrien Brody...

Judge Judy: in my non-humble correct opinion, you're a putz. that's my ruling, you're a putz.

Will Ferrell: can you believe 50% of the country still hasn't seen Elf?...

Don Julio: imagine Desi Arnaz is still alive and this is his patron tequila...

Airbnb: no more cameras in hotel walls, cameras only in our toilets. plus 4 friends? better with 3 or 5 friends...

Wayfair Wayborhood: the world is already divided up into gated communities...

DoorDash: turn your romantic roses into Bjork flowers...

Larry Bird: you know what i used to do to putzes like you?

Mayhem: beat them on the basketball court?

Larry: beat them. my favorite cereal is Cocoa Puffs. i still own many CDs and have a CD tree. i drink Arrowhead gallon water from the '80s. what does this attic remind you of?

Mayhem: Robert De Niro?

Larry: no, the correct answer is that film White Noise. get outta my house!!!

Aubrey Plaza Baja-Blasting it: Scump?

Tina Fey: you're saying i took like a Sasquatch? a Bigfoot?

Jack McBrayer: remember when Phineas and Ferb was the most popular cartoon on Earth?...

Glenn Close: now, all internet parasocial relationships are Fatal Attraction.

waiter: wasn't it cool that Brent Spiner was still alive and able to do a new episode of Night Court?...

100-year-old man and woman: NO we ARE NOT meant to work till we die...

global warming: all the fjords dried up and are now filled with dried gas...

wearable tech: when you don't see the park anymore...

Jen: okay we are doing the Carnival Cruise next!!! we are PLAYING Family Feud Live onboard that boat!!!

me: my moon eyes just went blurry, my lips went numb, all i heard was me and you and family...

Jen: i'm not drunk. i'm spitting out brilliant ideas. if you hit the tennis ball THROUGH the net that counts as a won game. if you hit the tennis ball OUT OF THE STADIUM that counts as a won set...

John McEnroe: i've never taken a drug in my life, performance-enhancing or street-illegal. i am crazy. i am crazy in the head. playing tennis without a net, think about it...