Jen P and i are summoned to the teacher's office. on stage. my instructor William Shakespeare wants to discuss how i'm doing.
William Shakespeare: i mean you're never here. you're never at class. you're always tardy.
me: is tardiness still a thing in college? i mean do you use the word tardy to describe being late in college?
Jen P: the redness in my face is not because i just donated blood at that bank in the back.
Peyton Manning: ...
Shakespeare: i use any occasion to use all the words. where are you at all times?me: lost in my head.
Shakespeare: speaking of, i'm feeling uninspired of late. woe is me.
EZ Taylor: if you thought more like whoa is me you'd see how righteous life is.
Shakespeare: you see i recently became a first-time father and i'm having trouble with the pampers. changing a nappy is hard. see in all my plays i never once wrote a character who changed diapers.
Jen P: that should have been your play PhD thesis.
me: i have one better, i'm thinking of a play concept that chronicles my relationship with Jen. the OTHER Jen.
Jen P: thanks.
me: my thing involves a brand new way of looking at and designing stage architecture. have you ever had a Zoom call up here on this stage?
Shakespeare: can't say that i have, how would that work?
me: it'd be like in the '80s when the parochial teacher would wheel in that TV on top of a cabinet stand and the 3rd Grade student kids would be paste-faced realizing they are unexpectedly watching television AT SCHOOL!!!
Shakespeare: speaking of, i am at a loss, my new baby with Juliet Anglin Aldershot simply will not eat, he's a very fussy eater, i don't know what to feed him. our Will Junior is too choosy.
Jen P: okay no Jif then.
Shakespeare: i'm going back in my archives to see if that Storybook International episode "Secret Soup" will provide any answers. i've asked around all over town, all the stallholders, what exactly do you feed a child that age?
me: i got it. but surely if i revolutionize a new concept in stagecraft i can pass this class.
Shakespeare: i'll give you a Gentleman's B.
Dirg: gentlemen's blowjob? in college? there's no way. in the frats? i don't believe it.
Shakespeare: for i and we are gentlemen first and foremost.
on one of the Zoom screens onstage plays Raising Miranda.
Royana Black: i look like Maddie from The Suite Life of Zack & Cody.
Jackie Fitzgerald: i know that blonde girl...
Royana: speaking of, i wish my mom had gone to London rather than Phoenix...
Roy Paranzuela: i wish my dad hadn't joined the military...
Royana: why is our front door the same as the Married with Children front door?...
Tanya Donelly: my mother accidentally dropped me out the open belly panel of a cargo plane while we were flying over the Congo.
Baloo from TaleSpin: that was NOT one of my planes, i check the door bolts unlike Boeing!!! my planes are incapable of making water landings...
Tanya: i didn't cry about it, i simply became the Tree of Life. my unexpected childhood in the Congo was a cool one, i grew into a good self-sufficient person. in my moody broody teen years i reseeded to Portland/Seattle and formed the band Belly to cope with my pain. i was getting skinny even for a girl, i needed to eat again.
Pati Jinich: i found you 17-years-old shivering in swaddling clothes by my doorstep. i fed you Mexican pancakes and Mexican waffles. i became your new madre.
Tanya: all that doughy food was good. you know you really are BACK, Pati, if you're still cooking food like THAT. i'm glad PBS took you back...
Pati: it's what i've always tried to instill in my children, you and my son Michael Weiss who plays high-school soccer. it's not about how popular you are. one year you have the #1 show, the next year you're unceremoniously taken off the Comcast schedule. instead of getting LIKES from strangers on Instagram, learn to TALK to strangers more, actually TEXT with strangers more...
Pati Jinich: it's St. Pati's Day, you fucking PBS perras.
Arthur: we got you your old job back at PBS with interest, you're paid more than the men and the armadillos now.
Pati Jinich: yeah but i gotta do a documentary on the history of Jalisco with Ken Burns.
Ken Burns: Pati, are you willing to give up 5 years of your life never seeing your sons and your husband to go out and travel to do this documentary with me?
Pati: chingo!!!
Mary Tyler Moore: my secret? Splenda...
Boc: it's just so weird to see a big burly manly monster truck like that be so nice to me, WAIT FIVE MINUTES on the corner as i LEISURELY cross the street. you know what else is weird? jogging the Safeway parking lot at 7:30AM in the morning, i'd never do that.
Greykid: hey, remove the crusty schmutz from my eye like a Jewish grandfather. cats get eye schmutz, too...
Minster: i live in a mantion...
Eraserhead: seems like Cronenberg but is Lynch...
Lance Lear: the Tour de France is WAY more interesting than the French Open...
Emma Raducanu: i like my balls the same size in every world city...
Michael Weiss: on Instagram, is there any way to talk to people in a NORMAL way?...
Michael Weiss: i'm on Instagram just to secure a wife...
Julia Ioffe: ...
Ameci Pizza opposite St. Cyril's in Encino: that's LAist, not laziest, Los Angeles denizens aren't lazy, we make Air Jordans...
Monsignor Navin: the L.A. laity is a fucking bug up my hairy ass.
Nick Kyrgios: i've always wanted to be a guest on Between Two Ferns.
Zach Galifianakis: i banned you for life. you're too weird for me.
Nick Kyrgios: so i guess i'll just HOST my OWN Between Two Ferns...
Mark Sanford: at the end of the day, life isn't about your job, life is about finding your soulmate...
Claire Nielson: ironically, none of the Medieval meals on Storybook International was a Waldorf salad...
Google Search: are you feeling lucky?.........on St. Patrick's Day?...
Julie from Lucky: did you see me wearing a green apron today?...
Don from Don's Plum: giant BIG-ASS satchel-bag of MLB-baseball-game pistachios on the half-shell just PLOP right on top of our last-ever newspaper kiosk...
Daniel Dae Kim: what a gorgeous beast!!!
Mardith, blushing: why thank you.
Daniel Dae Kim: no i was referring to your Golden Retriever on Instagram...
Alice: the vibe of this '70s TV show is the back alley behind Pic-N-Save...
Kakashi is feeding his baby baby food. his baby and Kakashi are in a highchair.
Suzy Lu: KAWAII!!! that is ADORABLE. this is like that scene from Invincible...
Kakashi: our son won't eat the strained peas...
Suzy Lu: remove your mask, babe, and SHOW our son HOW to eat strained peas...
Naruto: your baby boy will STRAIN his whole life to master chakra...
Greykid: cat tax? i don't want your dirty money, i don't want your filthy coins for Lent, what i want is your love...
Elon Musk: you may hate my guts but i'm gonna be the man who finally cures cancer.........i mean think about that...
Julie from Lucky: yes, i was on Storybook International...
Michael Weiss as an Instagram minder: i mean these nude pics clearly violate Instagram's policy.........but she's hot, you know?...
Spike Lee: so if i'm NEVER gonna win an Oscar, can i AT LEAST see a 3rd Knicks NBA Championship title run in my lifetime?.........3 is a lucky St. Paddy's Day New York number...
i'm directing traffic on stage. i push Jen R all around the stage's four corners by her antique-sale pink grandma sweater.
me: okay Jen i'm gonna need you to move over HERE on THIS mark.
Jen R: masking tape marks the X spot!!!
me: yeah so the play is about our burgeoning relationship and how it solidified magically within 3 weeks. i talk to Jen here with my face on the Zoom screen and then Jen's face comes on the Zoom screen like our real relationship is. we both text each other back and forth like this. and this is my one big line:
me: Jen, since you're in Baltimore and i'm in Berkeley, is there any way for us to get married TODAY on Zoom?...
Jen P: all this discussing of having babies in this play, those used to be OUR babies. in real life.
me: i know, sorry.
Jen P: you hurt me.
me: i'm sorry.
Jen P: no i mean when did you learn to cook?!!! when did you become this high-class Jacques Pepin boat chef?!!! when we were together you could barely string together a hot dog.
me: Jen inspires me. the OTHER Jen.
Jen P: thanks.
me: Jen inspires me to pick up the giant wooden soup spoon.
Jen P: well at least you're safe for now, you've promised to cook Shakespeare unlimited food.
me: it's true what they say: in college, DoorDash is your friend...
me: i KNOW what to feed your finicky baby boy, Shakespeare!!!
Shakespeare: pray tell, old squire.
me: one word: CHEETOS. i learnt that from Suzy Lu.
Shakespeare: methinks we have a soothsayer in our midst. let me check your hands for orange witch powder...
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