FRIGGEBOD, THE TOWER OF COMFORT

 

Jen R: i got us this friggebod. isn't it cute?

me: okay THAT is a Storybook International house!!! a Storybook International stone inn!!! 

Jen: the type of house where the stove is next to your bed. 

Gregor Samsa: i bake fat biscuits on that stove.

Ear Horn: i got my tits EMBIGGENED on that stove, dearie. country-biscuit tits.

Jen: you can fold up this cottage and move it to the next green-dot grassy hill over yonder when the crags start to get angry with seawave foam. in Europe and Mendocino. i know how much you like Medieval stuff.

me: ironically there won't be any frigid bodies in there, we will be fucking constantly, lots of simpleton-peter sex.

Jen: sex with your peter. am i talking too much? please ignore me.

me: i can't, i love you too much. never stop talking, our conversations SUSTAIN me.

me: that's the thing with life, if you meet the right people, it's glorious, if you don't, it's hell.

Jen: have i made your life even a SMIDGEN more comfortable?

me: you saved me with your love. is that too Robert Downey Jr.?

Jen: just the right amount of RDJ. can you have too much RDJ? isn't he the point? showing up every day is a fucking CHORE. it's fucking hard to maintain. somedays i'm just not having fun out here. no one sees the progress you're making on the off days.

me: to just get out of the bed in the morning. immediately hitting your head on the stove.

Kurt Cobain: i would have liked Medieval times. these are my people. especially the blacksmith.

Jen: yeah, men with long hair were the NORM. especially the knights.

Kurt: i'm a knight with my powder-blue lance, my guitar. i'm a woodsman woodshedding with my axe. out back practicing. out back turning these three chords around. 

me: i wanna see you on the lute, Kurt. 

Jen: at least AVAM survived Baltimore. 

me: what does that mean?

Kurt: i'll take that one, i'm into Buddhism, the word avam means "enlightenment" in Hindi.

Jen: it's the American Visionary Art Museum. speaking of, i'm putting a piece i got there here in THAT corner of our friggebod. a Richard Serra that looks like a giant BIG-ASS candle circle. i always liked Richard Serra because he looks like Uncle Fester and you know how much i dance the Wednesday Dance.

me: what the fuck's going on with me? suddenly i'm HOCKING PHLEGM. 

Jen slapping my back: don't swallow, advice my mother gave me long ago. don't swallow the mucus, spit it out. it's like you're a chainsmoker but you've never touched the stuff.

Lowly Worm: without Richard Serra in my life as my mechanic the Apple Car would cease to be, eaten by Margot Kidder's wolves.

Karen Mayo-Chandler: what does one say about the life i led? it's so corny to say i had no regrets but what else can i say? it was a brilliant Hollywood career cut WAY TOO SHORT by the Plague. i had fun whilst it lasted. nobody knows when one's time will be up, you have to live each day as if it's your last. i fucked Jack Nicholson, that must account for something.

Jack Nicholson: this was during my Five Easy Pieces phase, i'm afraid you were on a list.

Karen Mayo-Chandler: that sad song which plays at the end of every Storybook International episode, it's especially morbid now as you think about my painfully short life...

Matthew Perry: i actually preferred Miracle Whip. i didn't get a miracle.

Akira Toriyama: i mean i prayed to a Dragon God and nothing.

The Mighty Boosh as their Saturday-night tavern troupe: we're GREAT dancers. but we're even better pie-crust makers.

Sam Block from America's Test Kitchen: i don't look like Kate McKinnon, i look like Aunt Cork!!!

Ray Bradbury: i mean now they slide my book Fahrenheit 451 into their mini personal pizza kilns beside their bedroom beds. this is getting ridiculous.

Michael Weiss: before you start Instagram, and i can't stress this enough, divide your friends into two camps: sober and still struggling. do NOT send alcohol memes to those still struggling.

Dave Matthews singing "Crash into Me": "the killing fields / you plant cocaine..."

St. Patrick: i don't get bars. bars are stupid. bars are dumb. i was sober my whole fucking life. i played darts in my bedroom.

Tacoma truck: that orange-blue-white-green-banded pull-out lounge chair from the '80s, remember? on the grass on the sidelines at AYSO Saturday soccer matches.

Violetta Laze: orange slices and pop in a thermos.

me: in the '80s there was no Gatorade, just water.

Anthony Michael Hall: i was the only one in The Breakfast Club who didn't end up with someone. everyone else paired off with a quickness for the ending. that is what happens when you have 5!!! FIVE PEOPLE!!! ODD number of people!!!

Todd Bridges the Governor of Maryland: diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks but we all must learn to build bridges to one another or we won't survive to understand each other to actually love each other for the first time.

chalk egg: people in asylums celebrate Easter, too.

dress shield: don't use me, i am disgusting. i know roll-on deodorant gets pus stuck in your armpits and makes them MORE itchy. but it's still better. use Sure spray.........at least for a week.

Madame Pons: my Easter is gonna be a relaxing occasion with me in the shower with some LUSH aromatherapy shower steamers. and my man.

Takahashi: our shower steamers include the following scents: McDonald's fries, wood, pine needle.

Luke Russert: and Vicks VapoRub.

Marilyn Monroe: when the world is at its darkest, when racism surrounds you at every corner of the soccer pitch, put me in your ears. with these Marilyn Monroe earrings i will never leave your side, you won't be alone anymore, we can conquer the forces of darkness together with our light one fan at a time.

Mardith at the stewhouse: don't worry, i'm on your side, i'm the good guys, i pierced my nipples with safety pins.

Lisa Rubin: it all seems so easy because i'm on TV, right? i worked HARD for my life, honey. the big tits. the perfect family. having a legal mind sharper than Perry Mason's. that all took DECADES of dedication.

Lisa Edelstein: did you play my sister on an episode of House?

Alisyn Camerota: i was searching for home. if home meant i go interstate couch-surfing with an '80s CBGB punk rocker.

Scott Weiland: ...

Alisyn: no a PUNK band lead-singer.

Scott Weiland: that's cold, lady.

Alisyn: a man who would go on later to be a steady reliable husband, father, and partner. we even settle down in Action Park, New Jersey with Sara Walsh and MLB Matt. family life with Alice in Chains. combat love means shrapnel on your knees. what everyone wants, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow journey, is a psychiatrically-sound family. i spell Alison like a jaded sorority girl who plays Dungeons & Dragons.

me: i want family. i want stability. i want health. these things will never be mine. i will never even scratch the SURFACE of this the rest of my whole life.

The California Lottery: you didn't win.

Kyle Mooney: trust me, being a family man is where it's AT. i said that like Beck.

1970s Encyclopedia Britannica set: you won't find true love until you tell him about your psoriasis.

Tim & Eric: Boxy Boys sounds like something we'd do. and we did. with Carmelo Anthony.

Carmelo Anthony: look at our smiles at the end there, our smiles are CRISP.

Jen: Eric, just Eric not Tim, stayed at my flat in Hell's Kitchen.

J Will: student athletes never existed. look, do you REALLY want to make college basketball the best game it can be? four quarters of just free throws, that will get the crowd permanently involved, the crowd won't drift off into boredom during the game.

NCAA: Olympians made here. who then go on to become American Gladiators on your TV.

Jalen Brunson: i'm a vibe. a Woody Allen Spike Lee vibe. i mean i'm the first person to come up with a TV SUIT!!! a jacket with tiny TV screens on it. i mean okay maybe there was an episode of The Great Space Coaster before...

Jen: everybody who lives in NYC wears a Knicks jacket naked to bed.

Hurley from Lost: don't delete my pics and vids, i internal-dialogue to myself. because Lost is SURE to come back in some form...

Dave Gahan: when you're looking down the barrel of a Grammarly, choose the sentence that makes you the most VULNERABLE, not the most confident, that's the artist thing to do.

me: ring ring?

Jen: that ringing is not in your mind. it's a real phone.

me: you fit a phone in our friggebod?

Jen: it's in the stove.

me: OH MY GOD it's LINDY LENZ!!!

Jen: i'm not jealous, i'm supportive of your needs.

me: why does my kind polite girlfriend always have a dead phone?

Lindy Lenz: i just was never into tech, you know?

me: it's been a year since we last spoke.

Lindy Lenz: yeah. but isn't it better to have had a couple good calls with me rather than, say, a committed lifelong marriage?

me: no. but it's better than nothing. HEAVY sigh, life is so fucking cruel.