Jen P: ready to wake up early again?
me: i mean i haven't woken up to go to a job in like 35 years.
Jen P: the stage is new, it's located at the corner of THIS olive tree.
me: i have to admit, me walking through those GLORIOUS Berkeley suburban woods is gonna be DISTRACTING, i am BLINDED by all this Ancient Greek tree architecture.
Jen P: just don't be late, i pulled some strings to get you into that playwright class.
i arrive late for the first day of school.
me: sorry i'm late. i haven't had to deal with "school" in like 35 years. i had to buy a toga on the way...
Shakespeare with a 5 o'clock shadow: you gotta work. you gotta work, man, my shit didn't come easy.
me: are you my professor?
Shakespeare: aye and i hate teaching. i'd rather be writing.
me: i feel ya, teach, i don't actually want to go to school, you know? i'm sure at the end of this term we're gonna have to write a BIG-ASS ESSAY or a full play that will be GRADED for our FINAL GRADE, that sullies the art from the start.
Shakespeare: what would you like to do, Mr. Man? Mr. Old Man? in a perfect world, which IS achievable...
me: can we just forget the school part? the school part sucks. can i just spend my days writing plays leisurely on my own? whiling away the sun thinking up monologues, discerning dialogues, and going grocery shopping?...
Shakespeare: aren't you an actor? as well?
me: an actore, yes. aspiring. aspiring actor. or an actress, i don't judge. i love to act, when it's fun, not when it's graded on diction and arm placement. after a while even acting starts to become a grind when you have to memorize TOO MANY lines...
Shakespeare: my boy, i'm just wondering, have you ever been a trash man?...
Data: i wasn't advocating violence, i merely stated the historical fact that Ireland reunifies into one country in 2024. there is no more Northern Ireland...
Picard stuns Data with a phaser.
Picard: that's some bullshit, robut. i was IN the Troubles, man, i saw the carnage!!! i had to CREATE some of that carnage to get away!!! the fires singed the hair off my bald head!!!
Green Day: we weren't really there...
Data: phasers on stun my shiny metal ass. look, i did this all for one thing: what does Guinness taste like?
Picard: rocket fuel.
Data: so it tastes like my pee.
at the mart Jen R and i are dancing in the aisles.
me: oh this is perfect, see i've been trying to wean off Coke, looking for a new taste.
Jen R: don't put vanilla in Coke.
me: see that 12-box of Pepsi on that shelf over there? i dedicate it to you.
Jen R: take a taste of that Pepsi, does it taste like Lana Del Rey's pussy?
me: it tastes like pussy which is enough.
Jen R: you're a good provider, instead of a family car we have a family jet...
John Fugelsang: my wife is charming...
Amazing Stories "Lane Change".
Kathy Baker: why is the steering wheel on the right side of the car? they didn't have to use makeup to make me look younger for my watery wedding-vision sequence, i was already young, it was the '80s...
Priscilla Pointer: look at that sign: CLOSED---SORRY WE MISSED YOU, you don't see that type of hospitality anymore. only in the South...
Jen R: a lot of women are having their first baby at age 40.........why are you looking at me like that?...
me: you have a biological clock, i just had a wasted life.
John Fugelsang: i'm Bob Saget now...
Snoopy: i love when it's raining but there's still music at The Barnyard.
Woodstock: me too, i love that cold jazz. you didn't think i could talk either, huh, blood?
Snoopy: i'm a bloodhound.
Marcie takes off her glasses revealing her white eyes: CCC, Connie cough cure.
Peppermint Patty: why do you call me sir? i'm a woman, not a man. i'm not a lesbian, i'm only gay for you, Marcie...
Premier League: the whole story? no, the Hull story...
Haaland: that header was a sitter...
Takahashi and Madame Pons are on a date at the Forest McDonald's in Pacific Grove.
Takahashi: okay so the Japanese manga on this brown McDonald's bag is SO GOOD it's a collector's item!!! i mean this stuff is better than the New Voltron. this is making me less sad about the long wait before we get that new season of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure on Toonami...
Madame Pons: but you're still crying.
Takahashi: no those are tears from the WcDonald's Sauce. it's burning the roof of my mouth like the dentist and i'm lovin' it. but it's not as hot as you.
Madame Pons, heart-eyes: can I call you Talkshow?
Takahashi, heart-eyes: anything you want, lover.
Madame Pons: on our next date let's get Holiday Pie and the McRib on the menu all year round...
Timothee Chalamet: is the sauce hotter than me? is the spicy sauce spicier than me? cuz i come from the desert not dessert lands of Dune Spice...
Janet Leigh: the best part about doing The Manchurian Candidate? i got to hang out with Frank Sinatra in Las Vegas. Shecky Greene shiv'd me in the back of a dark Vegas alley, but we became friends after. i thought Tony Curtis was a gangster, he looked like a gangster...
me: i just want to return to UCLA summers in the '80s with my drama coach who looked like Julie Andrews as she sang that Barbra Streisand song "It's for the children, the children" to lullaby us to sleep.........it was a sleepaway camp...
The Outer Limits "Falling Star": the official song for this episode is Heart "Alone"...
maltipoo: a dog who enjoys chocolate malts by the soda-jerk shoppe.
Hunter S. Thompson: if i had gone into gonzo pornography instead i'd still be alive today...
Joey Fisher: i was EVERYWHERE in the '90s. every sitcom, drama, and late-night talk show. then i COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED.
Carrie Fisher: at least you're still here. instead of in space like i am. what kind of name is Joely, anyway?...
Angelina Jolie: ...
Robotyne: Ukraine will rise again. Slava Ukraine and rebuild. and this will be the site of the new Robotech metropolis...
Jen R: shouldn't you give your Aunt Cork a call? check in on her? see how she's doing? see if she's okay up there in Mammoth?
me: why?
Jen R: 190 mph winds.
The Enhanced Games: otherwise known as the Olympics no one will watch.
Bob Costas: but that's already the Regular Olympics!!!
The Enhanced Games: the Honest Olympics no one will watch...
Boc: walking in the rain is good for you, it clears out your sinuses, it unclogs your nostrils, you have phlegm again without Robitussin.
Mr. Kotter, Mr. Serling, Julie, Jen: thank you for not getting the black pimp coat WET...
the Culinary Institute of America: we don't spy on you...
Leslie Sbrocco: yeah you do, you know the color of my panties...
Leslie Sbrocco: whenever i come here all the Napa wine is gone!!!
Minster: speaking of, there are a lot of brown-brick turret towers here, this place was obviously a monastery before...
the NFL Combine 40 run: more exciting than the Olympics 100-Yard Dash.
Bob Costas: and i did MY 100-Yard Dash naked...
Jen P: dude what the FUCK?!!! what the hell was THAT this afternoon?!!! i heard about you through the grapevine.
Michael Weiss: and Berkeley isn't even an Ivy League school.
me: don't rub it in, Michael Weiss.
Jen P: i lent Shakespeare my ear and i found out about you.
me: you got told by the thespian truth-teller? it's okay i'm still in the class. but i'm a Special Student. i've been granted special dispensation.
Jen P: yeah you're special alright, a special headcase.
me: i don't want to go to class. i don't want to attend lectures. i don't want to earn credits. i don't want to WORK, i want to WRITE. i'm sorry for any extra strings you pulled, we'll make up for it in BDSM.
Jen P: because of you i can't walk, all my shoelaces are gone.
me: i'll get you some Skechers at the Berkeley Foot Locker, that place is ALWAYS EMPTY, nobody goes there. in the meanwhile can you extend the most important string of all, the Red String of Fate?...
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