SCANNERS: A SCANNER LIGHTLY

Jen R and i are in Seattle. of course our next stop after out last adventure.

Kurt Cobain: the Gateway to Canada. if i had eaten more Washington apples i'd be alive today.

Jen R: do not worry, we are at a yardsale but it's not one of those divorce yardsales that happen when the couple is acrimonious and split their belongings evenly item to item.

me: see i don't even want to envision that, manifest that into existence, when we get married it's gonna be forever. if we ever have a yardsale it'll be an ANTIQUES yardsale.

Jen: you see here? this nightstand? 3 slices of pizza wrapped in tinfoil. collectively they all form a perfect silver boomerang. when that happens you can NOT eat the pizza.

Melissa Maker: i shall be your guide through Canada this week. do you know what a Candan boomerang is? a sex position only Myself knows.

Jen: that thing where the Canadian children get to see the rad new cartoons before the American kids. 

Melissa: yeah like Dragon's Lair.

Jen: and that Degrassi cartoon. there hasn't been a Degrassi cartoon yet? this needs to happen.

me: halfway done with the day and things are going swimmingly, nobody's the wiser.

Jen: not so fast, buster, i didn't forget your birthday. 

me: i just want it to be a normal day, no fuss. i just want this day to be over with.

Jen: i'll tell you what i'm gonna do.

Jen pushes me into the muddy banks of the Wishkah River.

Jen: it's World Water Day.

Jen R and i fuck at a local motel.

me: for some reason that felt better than our usual romps.

Jen: it's because i called you mi papi chulo.

me: you're right, when a woman calls me their papi chulo, i can't resist, i'm going for it. but it doesn't end with the sex, we get married and have 9 kids in Point Reyes.

Jen: everyone forgot?

me: Maiara Walsh finally commented back on one of my 3-year-old comments i left her on Instagram. so that was something. that's enough of a birthday gift for me as i stay present.

Benjamin Franklin: Wikipedia, like the U.S. Constitution, is a living document.

Shohei Ohtani: which interpreter do i need to get who will say i'm Japan's Babe Ruth? not Japan's Pete Rose.

Boc: turn left, Waldo.

Luke Russert: it's so depressing to hike the long trek up to Lucky just to get two mini-boxes of tiny trash bags.

lavender tea: this counts as food.

Tai: Om Rhythms is my new yoga shoppe.

Jenny Baranick: rhythms is the longest English word without a vowel. y isn't a vowel anymore for the millennials.

Leslie Sbrocco: don't send me a pic of a plate of mushrooms on Instagram, just don't do it anymore, okay?

Michael Weiss: nobody talks on Instagram.

Julia Ioffe: so what's the point of Instagram?

Madame Pons: i'm a Level 4 Reiki healer so why am i still depressed?

Takahashi: the 4 thing.

Mardith: also, you're old. i'm a Level 1 Reiki healer and i feel fine.

Michael Stipe: ...

Madame Pons: thank you for straight telling it like it is, daughter.

Pati Jinich: on Hijos del Desierto i play the tortilla maker.

Michael Weiss: everybody's coming to me now because i'm the only one who's still on Instagram.

Terry saves Batman's dog Ace.

Bruce Wayne: *stares intently and smiles*

Terry: not even a thank you?

slag it: our version of slay it.

Pepsi: we had to do something after watching Pepsi, Where's my Jet?

Wolverine: DuckTales '91, Gummi Bears '92, the possibilities are endless, bub.

Melissa Maker: i had the biggest crush on Wolverine growing up.

Brett Favre: i play pickleball now. i take vitamins.

seagull: you just take for granted that there's a gaggle of 12 seagulls flying over your head right now.

Jack Tripper: the one bird i appreciated the most during my short lifespan was not Terri but the beach seagull.

Mary Cadorette: ...

Michael Weiss: yeah you just like to watch on Instagram while i do all the work.

Madame Pons: in my day we had candy cigarettes. do they have candy vapes now?

Mardith: kind of. sort of. we have bubblegum vapes.

Eye Luggage: Scanners and go.

David Cronenberg: before we go i would be remiss not to honor the two fallen lives that fell on our shooting set during the making of this picture. this movie was HELL for me in so many ways, it reaches ALL the ways. rubbernecking just isn't funny anymore.

Philip K. Dick: i wish i had lasted long enough to work with Cronenberg. Lynch, too.

Keanu Reeves: has anyone ever told you you look like Ernest Hemingway? i am everyone's prophet but you are MY prophet.

Philip K. Dick: Asimov trapped me in his den.

Isaac Asimov: testing out my time machine.

Philip K. Dick: Alan Watts trapped me in his den.

Alan Watts: i thought you were me.

Jennifer O'Neill: THEY THOUGHT IT COULDN'T BE DONE. but i did it. i actually married MORE MEN than Elizabeth Taylor!!! i own the record, bitches!!! that's the Brazil way, bitch.

The Pope: i mean not to pry but what's with you and the marriage thing? Christianity was never meant to be like this, i wish free love had been advocated more in the '60s.

Patrick McGoohan: are you a slut? cuz of all the men and everything.

Jennifer O'Neill: well you're a nice guy, huh? i mean fuck, could you BE any ruder?

Chandler Bing: ...

Patrick McGoohan: sorry, luv, i was trapped the rest of my life inside the four walls of the nightmare paradise known as The Prisoner.

Jennifer: it's The Pensioner by now. just because you're crazy doesn't give you license to be a dick and an asshole. 

Patrick: you know about those two things. sorry, pet, i did it again. i need therapy, from a MALE nurse. not more Irish beer and crabcakes. ignore me, my name sounds like peanut butter that gets stuck in your mustache.

Jennifer O'Neill: when i FINALLY read the script to this thing, i cried. because it was too late to get out of all that splattercore gore and violence. contracts are a bitch. i was becoming a Born-Again Christian RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT.

Eugene O'Neill: back out of your commitments with the quickness of a motherfucker like i did throughout my career. i wrote some corny stageplays no one saw. 

Cronenberg: yeah sorry about that, the budget on this thing was an omnishambles. the only way to get it funded was to have it paid for by the local Toronto high school. i was writing the script AS i was shooting the script. ten days after our red carpet premiere i finally wrote the ending.

Melissa Maker: Canada is not as claustrophobic and scary and doomy and morby as this movie makes it out to be. 

Cronenberg: in the '80s it was.

Michael Ironside: i am sorry for using the bathroom in that trailer for 7 hours. i just experienced the HARDEST log of poo my butthole has ever gone through in my entire existence. it took FOREVER to pinch out. that poo was a daisycutter. i mean look at my face, do i look like the bad guy or Humphrey Bogart? i can't be both. on the plus side Revok is the COOLEST name ever. Cronenberg's the best. but Atom Egoyan is SLIGHTLY better.

Stephen Lack: i look like Jeff Passan. i look like Cillian Murphy before the Fall. why didn't i become the Canadian Keanu Reeves before Keanu Reeves? my eyes alone are so puppy-dog everyone falls for me the instant my smooth robotic voice speaks. no i didn't do anime voiceover after like everyone else here. Cameron Vale sounds like someone with Elvis sideburns who moves to Beverly Hills 90210.

me: my address. but also Berkeley Hills 90210 is my address.

Neil Affleck: if i HAD been related to Ben i couldn't have done Family Guy as hard as i did it, SHREDDING New England culture the way i did. i wish my name had been Mavor, Mavor is a cool name.

Louis Del Grande: look, i don't want to talk about the exploding head. it's bad karma for me when i do. bad juju, bad vibes. let's talk about ANYTHING else. talk about how my name is Taco Bell. talk about how i played that total Sipowicz-ripoff character on that episode of The Outer Limits "Criminal Nature." i mean did i evince a jaded New York cop's accent in that or WHAT. i had long hair like Woody Allen from Sleeper.

Cronenberg with zebra clapperboard: before we start shooting, my beloved cast and crew, i only ask that this doesn't turn into Da Vinci's Inquest. let's get to the martini shot alive, people.

Cronenberg: mixing science fiction and horror, it seems so natural. the inspiration for this movie was Blue Sunshine for one reason and one reason only: i needed to actually see Zalman King ACT!!!

Dan Aykroyd as Jimmy Carter: ...

Cronenberg: is it telepathy or telekinesis? two very DIFFERENT things. telepathy is mind-reading. all humans CAN mindread, we use 1% of our brains, remember? would the world be BETTER or WORSE if we knew each other's thoughts? 

Counselor Troi: you only know about telepathy because i was hot.

Cronenberg: telekinesis is stuff like moving a tennis ball in the air with your mind.

Debbie Harry: or, like, a cigarette from in between a woman's tits in a lacey frilly French black bra. the script said i was supposed to be wearing a blouse in that scene.

at the mall. 

i'm sitting in the cavernous cafeteria area with two nice ladies gossiping about penis size and how THEY'RE not weird.

me: don't scan me. i'm wearing a green sweater even though i don't have to because i'm a Patrick. it's my birthday, don't scan me on my birthday. i'm quietly eating my churro between the Hot Dog on a Stick and the Panda Express and the Sam Goody music store in the same mall Jubilee was saved from in that first episode of the '90s X-Men cartoon.

Cecilia Phillips: Cecilia Tries It. i will try anything, even your cum. that's what a mall smorgasbord is for.

Cameron Vale: i'm not a bum, i just need to quit smoking. why does every mall have 100 water fountains?

ConSec: we also make Terminators. and the drug Ephemerol. get it? ephemeral. that's a brilliant name. don't let anyone tell you a private military company doesn't have creativity.

Dr. Paul Ruth: i'm not the sex doctor, that's my sister. how may i help you today?

Cameron Vale: what is technopathy?

Ruth: you're the only one who can work the new iPhone. you can also move people's blood around in their bodies, it's funny and silly and fun.

Cameron: i don't want any of these lame superpowers, except for EMPATHY as a human being.

Naruto: i was the first test subject at this grim hospital. i became the first Japanese Scanner, also known as a Chakra Charlie.

Cameron: i heard about the Third Eye in Sunday school but this black-and-white film reel from the 1950s is scarier than Catholic Hell. i closed my eyes through all of it, it's like that Metallica music video.

Norma Desmond: that's some dank shit, Mr. DeMille.

Dr. Ruth: sanitariums are science at its finest. very educational.

Rod Serling: third eyes are wack.

Ruth: we have a mole in the company.

Anderson Cooper: wasn't me.

Ruth: we can't shut down the Scanner program, Scanners are the next step in human evolution.

exploding-head guy: haven't you been watching the new X-Mens? didn't you read the sign? Evolution is a lie!!!

Ruth: why does our boardroom look like a dentist's office?

Cronenberg: because it's my dentist's office.

Louis Del Grande: here's the thing with the exploding head, surely there must have been exploding heads in cinematic history before this. like a 1910 gothic monster movie or something.

Cronenberg: yes. but i POPULARIZED the CONCEPT of the exploding head. nobody had really THOUGHT about an exploding head until it came from me. 

Monty Python: and then we REALLY started thinking about the exploding head.

Benjamin Pierce: soldier of the Canadian Revolution. which also took place in 1776 at a Philadelphia town hall. yeah i'm just here in my barn sculpting a BIG-ASS HEAD of MY FACE in LUSH soap. that's not creepy at all.

Cameron: another dead art show in Canada. 

Melissa Maker: all art in Canada is liked by everyone. even the critics. gallery showings serve Canadian pigs in a blanket which are maple leafs wrapped in bacon. even hard street-illegal drugs in Canada are over-the-counter.

Kurt Cobain: OMG THEY HAVE A DREAMACHINE!!!

Cameron: quick!!! evade the explosion by going through the destroyed Sam Goody.

Laertus: oh you see how the Scanner thoughts are being transmitted from one head to another? the thought-weapon, the thought-gun. it's the Zardoz school of acting.

Cameron: you don't want ME getting your heartbeat racing, get your heart rate up the natural way, by jogging.

Cronenberg: okay now THIS is starting to look like an episode of Degrassi...

Cameron: you're that bored woman from the art show.

Kim Obrist: everyone looks bored at an art show. i'm not bored, i'm hopeless. a hopeless romantic. it's not Kim Obreast. wow look at my butt in these jeans!!! i have a nice butt. you should know something about me, i SCOFF with the best of them, i'm the greatest babe scoffer there is. scoffer babe.

Cameron: you're attractive. but i'm the good guy.

Kim: since i'm a woman naturally i use my Scanner powers to heal. got any cuts or bruises?

Cameron: i'm a schizophrenic, i could use a bandage on my head. there, that'll cure it. what is the shadowy Big Pharma factory cranking out?

Kim: a TUMS antacid you put in a glass of water by your nightstand and it starts fizzing tiny bubbles. when we get to their headquarters i must warn you not to get distracted, it looks like Spaceballs.

Cameron: why'd you name the computer program Ripe?

Revok: i smell.

Ruth: did you Scan the computer?

Cameron: yes. but all i'm getting is Pong.

Kim: a telephone booth? really?

Cameron: Superman is HUGE right now. Christopher Reeve will live FOREVER!!!

Kim: he's got dreamy steel eyes. steel eyes not steely eyes.

Cameron: you know it really HURTS MY HEAD to destroy this grand computer like this. it's the early 1980s, you know? the Computer Age is just starting out...

at the halfway house.

Cameron: that look on your face, are you bored?

Kim: you really need to read faces better, that is not one of your Scanner superpowers. i'm not bored, i'm mad. not crazy, angry. i can't get pregnant like this woman. i want a family, i want a NORMAL LIFE!!! what good is marriage if you can't have fun and get knocked up?

Cameron: oh so you're jealous.

Kim: okay you're getting better.

Kim: don't mind me, i'll escape in this James Bond On Her Majesty's Secret Service snow helicopter.

Revok: our father.

Cameron: who art in Heaven.

Revok: no, Ruth is our father.

Cameron: so? he seems like a nice guy.

Revok: his dirty little secret was the West German thalidomide scandal!!!

Cameron: i mean is morning sickness really THAT bad? i don't know, i've never been pregnant, just wondering out loud.

Revok: brother, now it's time for our lightsaber battle without the lightsabers.

Cotard: brother, this is us everyday!!! it's like a tickle fight.

Codrus: ...

Codrus: sigh.

Revok: thanks, now my body is bacon.

Kim: wait, are you Cameron or Revok now?

Cameron: both and neither.

Kim: wanna get married?

Cameron: i'm too young and you're too old, lady.

Kim: on second thought, forget it. Revok is more manly than you but he's psycho. what to do what to do. Cameron, it's just, you kinda come off as Simpleton Peter, you know? 

Cronenberg: okay fine, how did we pull off the exploding head? what was my secret? root beer. we used root beer. Canadian root beer and McDonald's. g'night folks. oh i HATE when the end credits go DOWN instead of up like that.

me: shall we discuss Storybook International?

Jen: the episode with the tumbledown cottage? about the bowyer who makes a golden bow out of Jennifer Lawrence's money?

Brad Gilbert: i am Blanket Jackson's father.

Jen: hop off.

me: i'm sorry for offending you.

Jen: no, hop off the shortbus like the Easter Bunny to Delaware Shores and let's get some puzza.

Michael Ironside: i stink like an Italian man.

Lucio Rossi: ...

me: belter?

Jen: no, sand belter like when Fran Drescher sings, her mouth is full of sand.

Fran Drescher: power intensifies. power solidifies. the power to help others. the power to help an entire community of artists.

Jenny Baranick: for the first time in my life i wanna be a wench. a chicken leg wench. Euouae is making me miss being Medieval. all English teachers yearn to go back in time. and to teach in the United Arab Emirates. neume is NOT for the Rubenesque girls.

Greykid: i know what it's like being someone's soul cat. to be a soul pet is LONGER than to be a soulmate.

me by the fire: Jersey Mike's. a sub above. i need to know what they put in that vinegar.

Melissa Maker: it's used to clean.