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Jen R and i are in Dublin, Ireland at a pub.
Data from Star Trek: TNG: i am persona non grata here for some reason. i'm just here for the gratin CHEESE, folks!!!
Jen: how did it feel to play that Bob Wheeler Night Court character again?
Data: i felt like Robert Clampitt. i haven't evinced a Southern accent for any reason in 30 years...
me: what's the most Irish dish you can think of?
Jen: spaghetti of course.
me: right. this place cooks the spaghetti in a Dutch oven!!!
Jen: that's your two favorite things combined!!! that's too much joy for you!!!
me: what's your favorite drink at an Irish pub?
Jen: wow straight to the drunk angle, aye? why it's Mocha Mix of course.
me: you know the Mocha Mix cocktail here is so good because the Tantric Milk has been reincarnated in an Irish Catholic church on a grassy green hill.
Jen: you can taste the Ballykissangel in this Mocha Milk cocktail, has that Guinness aftertatste...
me: the Happy Meal toy is a bar of Irish Spring soap.
Jen: it's nice of them to allow me to use the pub shower in the back. i'm glad we're here. i'm here for the bar food and vinyl music and of course all the Bjork.
Bjork: is this where the Burger King sauna is?
me: as long as i can text you everyday, i'm stable, i'm calm, i'm cool, i'm gold like a lioness.
Jen: okay but like the heroine of this film i too have to take a few days off to care for my young daughter...
Marketa Irglova: are you my mommy?
Bjork: yes you look like me if i had had the time to be an actress...
Jennifer Lien in Phenom: they named me Roanne because this show came on after Roseanne Tuesday nights...
Jennifer Lien in Phenom: i left Star Trek for this?!!!...
BK TeeVee.
Shaft: no jive, 1993, the last year you will EVER be able to get the French Chicken Sandwich at Burger King...
Angela in Phenom: tennis is my shelter from the storm...
Jennifer Lien: a lot of electric storms on Star Trek: Voyager...
on the Saturday Night Live stage Carlos Alcaraz and Zverev are in bee costumes.
John Belushi: can i help you?
Carlos Alcaraz: what.
Zverev: what.
Belushi: *raises eyebrow*
Carlos Alcaraz: what we do now, we make people laugh?
Belushi: it's WAY harder than playing tennis. i was an Olympian you know...
Spider-Man holding a tiny spider-sized camera along a string: the better question is when do I become a bee?...
Lume: home of gilfs...
Alan Watts: on a clear day.........you can see a clear day...
Realtor.com: finally we admit it!!! it's not about fires and floods, it's about NOISE POLLUTION!!! we track noise pollution hotspots, the map is COMPLETELY COVERED in green...
Jen Carfagno: when there isn't a second map, you know it's gonna be a good sunny windless power-filled day...
Takahashi: street-racing is my shelter from the storm...
Kensington Palace: social media made us put up barbed-wire...
Fuerza: i haven't blown my nose in forever...
Michael Weiss: an influencer with 3 photos on his Instagram?...
MoGo: one visit, that's the cost of one iPhone....
Boc: when i JUMP RIGHT AS the car's about to make a right turn at the corner, i'm doing this for US, you know? i'm doing this for YOU. all the bicycle riders out there, all the sidewalk-walkers, this is OUR right of way, don't let the bully cars win...
Super Mario blowing his nose into a wrench handkerchief: i crying. tears of hayfever from green alive vines with red faces. and happiness. you make me so proud, my son Boc, you make papa proud, you jump higher than me...
Leslie Sbrocco: the ingredients aren't gonna be needed until they are kneaded. i'm making donut holes...
Leslie Sbrocco: i make my sweet holes using this bench scraper here. it's called a bench scraper because when you stand it up it looks like any park bench you see in San Francisco. it's called affordance...
Boc: it's better to walk than drive early in the morning, the sun glare gets in your eyes either way...
on the set of Between Two Ferns.
Michael Weiss: you know, i always wanted to be Zach Galifianakis...
Zach Galifianakis: so Jerry...
Jerry Seinfeld: that's MISTER Seinfeld to you.
Zach: Jerry, actor, writer, comedy presenter, which of these jobs that Larry David does so ingeniously do you admire him for the most?...
Jerry: writer. definitely writer,. writing is hard.
Zach: i'm not giving you ANY credit...
Michael Weiss: i'm not seen.........no i mean my Instagram comments are LITERALLY not being seen, they disappear once i post them, all my thoughts are for naught...
me: i'm meeting with my Blogspot lawyers...
Justin Rose: i do a billion commercials. but i wanna win a BIG-ARSE golf tournament again...
Eye Luggage: Once and go.
Julie Patzwald: i'm taking band notes for better band creation...
Glen Hansard: look DEEP into my blue Irish eyes. you will drown in the Irish Sea if you look in my eyes long enough. these are pained eyes, handsomely pained eyes.
Marketa Irglova: me too the same. i'm the one with the Irish green eyes...
Glen: you know i just realized this, we don't have NAMES in this movie!!! we're just Guy and Girl. throughout the entirety of this film we never ONCE mention our names to each other or inside our internal narrators, not ONCE in the script dialogue, that's where the word ONCE comes from.
Jen: no it's actually from your song "Once," which is weird because it's a throwaway song on the album...
John Carney: wait before we start i have to do something...
John Carney: hello, Keira Knightley, do you want to be in this picture?
Marketa: hey.
John: don't worry it's all for show. but i gotta throw a bone to Keira to apologize in some fashion.
Keira Knightley: you said i couldn't act. you said i couldn't show emotions on my perfect face.
John: i was drunk, luv, come back to me. if i needed an actor to play, say, a tree, the FIRST call i make is to you. okay? going forward...
Cillian Murphy: if i had done this project as planned i would have won my Oscar by now WAY before now...
Marketa: hey Cillian you little bitch, you little Irish dipstick dipshit, I CAN ACT!!! yeah i'll see you at the market one of these days, you know what i'm sayin? yeah i'll see you in the aisles, ya feel me? we'll have our own little Troubles between us...
Glen: the Swell Season, that was my band in college i mean that was the band i formed with you. isn't it a cool name? we had a swell time doing the shooting of Once, changed our lives forever.
Marketa: for the worse.
Christopher Nolan nudges Glen in the ribs with his sharp elbows.
Christopher Nolan: ho, fellow Oscar mate. Oscar bait, masturbate at the thought of winning an Oscar. what took you so long? heeheehee *cough cough* wink wink nudge nudge...
Glen busking on Grafton Street.
Glen: Grafton, graft, so i'm expecting my guitar case full for coins to get stolen soon. by my best friend who's also a street bum.
street-bum best friend: come on, mate, i just need some cash to buy a Mother's Day card.
Glen: is it March already?.........how's your mom doing?...
street-bum friend: i'm sick in the head, my ma's just sick physically.
John Carney: amateur filmmakers TAKE NOTE!!! you see what we did here? we used LONG LENSES and filmed the street on a normal busy day sprawling and crawling with people on the sidewalks. that's how you do a movie ON THE CHEAP. you can't pay extras, so use REAL LIFE as your background!!!...
Laertus takes notes on his waterproof notepad...
Eddie Vedder: ho, fellow busker!!! can i sing on your corner?
Glen: who you calling a slut, mate? i'm not a slut, i'm just lonely. i'm a slut for music. this is MY corner.
Eddie: but i need to perform the Pearl Jam song "Once," the first song off our first album...
Glen: this is MY corner.
Eddie: but "Once" was the very first song Pearl Jam ever wrote together...
Marketa: that song you just sung at night on this cobblestone street was POWERFUL. your ex-girlfriend really fucked you up something fierce when she dumped you.
Glen: it's not about her.
Marketa: bullshit. all songs are about women who dumped men. even the songs written by women.
Glen: what flowers do you sell?
Marketa: Les Miserables flowers. Kurt Cobain flowers. pollen flowers which only give YOU hayfever. i learned English by watching Janet Wood on Three's Company...
Glen: what's a Czech girl doing in Ireland?
Marketa: celebrating St. Patrick's Day this Sunday of course!!!
Glen: there's something MORE to you...
Marketa: i'm also Icelandic.
Glen: THAT'S IT!!! YOU'RE ICELANDIC!!! you have that Bjork magic to your face!!!
Marketa: you fix hoovers?
Glen: yeah. my dad only uses one wrench like Mario.
Marketa: okay so i'll lug my GIGANTIC vacuum cleaner from my apartment with my tiny little woman arms all the way to you at this broken street tomorrow, okay? it's a good thing i just HAPPENED to have a broken Hoover or this ENTIRE LOVE-STORY ROMANCE wouldn't have happened...
Glen: i heard girls use vacuum cleaners as masturbators, is this true?
Marketa: nah, it's a sci-fi robot thing...
Marketa: i'm a musician as well.
Glen: i know, if it wasn't for me nobody would know your name...
Marketa: anyway.........wanna hook up and duet?
Glen: sure, let's enter a very glassy Cold Stone Creamery over here on the corner. so what's your favorite color?
Marketa: my dad killed himself.
Glen: good talk. that was a great conversation.
at Guitar Center.
Marketa: can i play the piano free here as always?
counterman: you got FIVE minutes...
counterman: i'm counting the minutes...
Glen: guitars on the walls scare me, they're like hunting trophies. well, here goes nothing...
Glen starts playing "Falling Slowly" on acoustic guitar...
Marketa breaks into "Falling Slowly" on piano...
they both sing "Falling Slowly" in perfect harmony...
Marketa: WOW, this song is a MASTERPIECE.
Glen: thanks. i came up with this entire song JUST NOW. it just popped in me head...
Marketa: i didn't know you could sing that high, you have that Billy Corgan voice register...
on the bus ride home.
Glen: okay ready for my impromptu punk-rock version of "Falling Slowly" on acoustic guitar and growly vocals?...
Glen's father: fixing a vacuum is like performing open-heart surgery on ER.
Marketa: Glen, why does your bedroom look like EVERY European hostel?...
Angela from Phenom: upstairs...
Marketa: fuck...
Glen on the bed: yes i do, i wanna fuck you, Marketa.
Marketa on the bed: no i was gonna say fuck this. i'm leaving.
Glen: sorry. it's just you're gorgeous and i'm lonely.
Marketa: but what if you were lonely and i was ugly? why is your hair so fucking ginger?
Glen: my hair is actually orange not red, i ate a bad presidential pepper in the States...
Marketa: i'm composing ON THE SPOT RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW this beautiful song about drifting boats as souls at night walking down this cobblestone road, much like that The Prodigy "Smack My Bitch Up" music video...
Marketa: is this one of those European parties with the King Arthur longtable and everyone packed like sardines 50 to a tiny sliver of a room, dimly-lit, one long skinny candle, all smashed on mead, everyone wearing those green and red pointy Christmas-crown leather felt hats?...
Glen: get ready for gauzy footage of my ex-girlfriend in cottage dreamscapes, at past birthday parties, and fields of gold.
Marketa: this looks like those scenes from Her...
Spider-Man: a spiderweb...
Glen: you have kid?
Marketa: yes and my husband is a dog. back in the home country. yeah i have a toddler and yeah she learned English from Sesame Street.
Glen: you're too young to be a mom!!! my mum was 50 when she had me. hey if i make a funny face at your daughter that indicates the daughter has accepted me as her father now and i'm ONE step away from the three of us becoming a new family...
Marketa's mom: *speaks in Czech*
Marketa: mom, speak English, that's rude to our houseguest.
mom: i was only saying you are marketable, Marketa. fine i'll speak in Icelandic...
Marketa: don't mind these three bumbling idiots on our ratty sofa, they're learning English by watching The Three Stooges and that GODAWFUL soap Coronation Street...
Glen: as i walk up these ivory steps, it's like that Oakland studio apartment that man had in his second year at Berkeley...
Marketa: let's secure a recording session, i'll empty my life savings at the bank for you. i've only met you for three days now...
Glen: yeah i keep forgetting this whole long movie takes place IN ONE WEEK!!!
Marketa: yeah we even go to the beach and everything like a Scooby-Doo anime.
Shaggy with a surfboard on his head: beach soccer?
at the bank.
Marketa: can we get a loan? this is Bank of America, right? you're reputable. we'll let you play drums on our album.
bank manager: who brings a tape recorder to a bank? that's suspicious. people say i have the singing voice of Karen Carpenter...
at the recording studio.
Marketa: this recording-studio back alley is giving me Control that 2007 movie vibes...
recorder: you guys don't faze me, i recorded the best, i did the Beatles and Stones and Iggy Fucking Pop!!! tape your little song and hear your song in the Scooby-van radio at the beach and here's the masters. like the golf tournament. i'll be over here reading my golf magazine...
Glen: oh, so the ONCE is referencing the motorcycle. that's lame.
Easy Rider: ...
*Marketa says a phrase in Czech with a smile and twinkle in her eye*
Glen: what'd you just say to me, woman? did you say I LOVE YOU to me in Czech?
Marketa: no i said my Czech husband is a dog.
Eamon: i'm a jaded studio engineer. look at my jade ring.
Glen: he got it at Jared.
Eamon: are these putzes your back-up band?
other buskers: what sort of music is this? heavy metal?
Glen: singer-songwriter, like Sting but with REAL blue-eyed soul...
Glen: your stuff is better than my stuff, you should go into composing original piano songs and singing like an Icelandic fairy.
Marketa: i really like this piano.
Glen: i'll get it for you. it's yours. but i'm a busker so i'll have a Fisher-Price piano delivered to your flat tomorrow...
Glen: where's Mark?
Tommy Wiseau: ...
mom: Marketa's gone.
Glen: i mean you guys really live in the slums. crap ghetto. this apartment is a shack. this flat is a real piece of shit, you viddy me? i mean how can you live in a place with NO FUCKING PHONE?!!!...
mom: Marketa was a BRILLIANT letter-writer and calligrapher in kindergarten...
Glen: wanna grab a coffee?
Marketa: it would be fun to fuck you. but i can't. in order for us to have sex in future you MUST promise me one thing from now on: for the rest of your life you must ONLY refer to sex as hanky-panky.
Glen: i can't say no to those manic pixie dream girl eyes of yours.
Marketa: i'm a musician, i have Bjork's blood in me...
Glen: wanna stay at my place? your place is such a vile wretched trap, you know? mine's cleaner.
Marketa: after MY hoover.
Glen: i squatted in that place. but it was for a good cause...
Glen: what do you think of the demo, pop?
dad: it made me cry. your ma would be so proud.
Glen: you gonna be okay here without me?
dad: i survived 50 years before you were born. when you were born life changed for the worse, suddenly my life became very difficult for me. are there any songs on this demo tape about your dead mother?
Glen: um.........no...
Laertus: oh god this ending with Marketa's window zooming out as she looks out the window longingly and the swelling "Falling Slowly" reprise is getting to me, i'm CRYING right now...
Eye Luggage: babe...
Laertus: but i disagree with the premise of this ending. we don't care about Marketa's Czech husband!!! and we don't care that Glen is getting back together with his ex in London!!! we don't care about these boring people!!! we want some indication that Marketa and Glen will become a couple in future, that's the only juicy ending, right? the only palatable information. we must know that Marketa and Glen FUCKED down the road...
Eye: but babe maybe this IS the perfect ending, it's the ending that is realistic after one week. these two probably never saw each other again, that's how life is, that's how HEARTBREAKING life can be when two soulmates CAN'T stay together. plausible and cruel. it was only that ONE special week, the pain of a lifetime apart forever...
Marketa: we sure did make quite the pair for a while, didn't we. we were the combustible couple.
Glen: i was falling in love with you during the shooting of the film Once. but i was thinking to myself that you were just a kid and i was 50 years older than you.
Marketa: age is nothing but a number if the sex is good. then i dumped you.
Glen: i tried to keep the fairytale going...
Marketa: did you read that New York Post headline?
Glen: that headline hurt. that headline hurt me. salt and sand in my already open and gaping wound. the headline was as follows: Falling Slowly.........Out of Love...
Steven Spielberg: this was the BEST movie of 2007 BY FAR. it gave me hope again. it's such a novel take on the movie musical. it restored my faith in humanity, in music that matters, and in the power of film. the inkling of hope i had then came true, Obama was elected. if only the world could have continued on that track of goodness.........painful sigh, g'night folks...
Keira Knightley: you see? now there's a REAL director. Steve is a REAL director.
John Carney: ...
me by the pub fire. with Jen.
Jen R: two Shamrock Shakes please. with one straw. i have to admit i've never really had the Double Cheeseburger from McDonald's...
me: it sure is lovely and kindly and warmly humanly of this Irish pub to make Shamrock Shakes for us, give us a taste of home across the pond.
Irish barkeep by the name of Patrick: that McDonald's shite is just melted green-tea ice cream.
Jen: i have to go to the bathroom...
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