BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: MAKING A MOVIE, FILMING A FILM AT BERKELEY

 

Christopher Nolan is giving Jen R and i a tour of Berkeley.

Christopher Nolan: we filmed many scenes from Oppenheimer here on the Berkeley campus.

Jen R: what are you doing here, man? 

Christopher Nolan winking and sniffing his nose: Oscars research. if you know what i mean, wink wink nudge nudge.

Jen R: i mean it's rather odd, right? this movie is about the ultimate war machine on the most peacenik place on Earth!!!

Larry King: curiouser and curiouser. strange as fuck like my stash of ketamine dippers.

Lindsey Graham: oh my vapors i have vapers.

me: congrats on Best Picture, sir. you have one of those faces where i can't lie to it, i did NOT see Oppenheimer, sorry. i only saw Barbie. who has the statuette now?

Christopher: the person who produced babies with me. strangely, we named each of our children Oscar BEFORE the fact like ten years ago. even the girls.

we cross the main gate into campus.

me: oh God, seeing this green-tea gate again after SO many years, it's jarring. i called this the Colgate Gate cuz it looked like my toothpaste.

Jen R: do you have the insatiable urge to brush your teeth at this moment, bruh? my teeth hurt for no reason, too, sharp pains out of nowhere, probably the drugs. and the college drums. i feel so at home in Berkeley!!!

Shakespeare: what's that Latin inscribed on the gate?

Jen R: Latin for BRUSH YE TEETH, YOUNG MAN, OR EAT NO PUSSY.

me: you know the scariest 3 words in the English language?

Jen R: i love you?

me: no, Back To School...

Randall Park: i filmed my award-winning short film here and around the Berkeley suburbs, too. the sidewalks not just the parks. it's about Bay Area people who...

me: weren't you on Supah Ninjas?

Randall: yes. that was my Nickelodeon start. my gateway past the Colgate Gate. 

me: i'm ashamed to admit that show was the last show i was FORCED to watch.

Randall: thanks. 

Jen R: Alameda is awesome.

me: i recognize the shady streets in your movie!!! i walked them. oh yeah there's that video-game rental store. this obviously takes place in the '90s. i wonder if Cleo still works there...

Cleo: how long does a restraining order last?...

me: you know, i'm debating whether or not to ACTUALLY go back to Berkeley school or simply to get the experience again by watching your awarded thus worthwhile movie...

Randall: it's a good guide...

at the Oscars, the Twins are on stage.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Batman that son of a bitch.

Danny DeVito: how dare you show your smug rich face in front of us around here!!! Batman defenestrated me!!! that's worse than molting feathers!!!

Michael Keaton in the audience: don't worry, i'm not gonna leave my seat, fly up there on stage, and Will Smith you two. hey did you like how i bit your beak off and ate it? you thought i wasn't crazy like that? i mean check me out in Night Shift for fuck sake.

Will Smith makes a surprise step-out onto the stage from behind the gold curtain. the Oscar audience GASPS in unison.

Will Smith, smiling: SIKE!!!

the audience gives Will Smith a standing ovation that lasts for 30 minutes.

Will acknowledging with his nodding head: thank you. thank you.

*pan to Tom Hanks looking bewildered...*

Will Smith: and now i'd like to tell you about my friend Chris Rock and why he deserves this acting award...

stage manager Lorne Michaels: no no no we did not agree to THIS, Will. i forgave you for the Slap Heard Round the World, that wasn't your fault, you were egged on...

Will: Happy Easter, Lorne.

Lorne: i forgave you for fucking Julie Delpy cuz, i mean, LOOK at Julie Delpy.

Julie Delpy: my tits somehow got bigger as i got older.........it's a French thing...

Lorne: i know, Shane Gillis and everything, but...

Will: Chris needs this honor to paper over his psychological wounds...

Chris Rock in the audience: get this man off the stage!!! want me to come up there with a LONG-ASS HOOK?!!!...

Jada: when will people start asking me only about my Oscar dress again?...

Robert Downey Jr.: i'd like to thank my fucked-up childhood for this Oscar. in that order. thanks, dad, for being who you were...

Slash in the middle of "I'm Just Ken" busts out into "November Rain..."

Jen R: remember when we did it in the Enoch Pratt Free Library?

me: how could i ever forget, the best moment of my life. that was the first time i genuinely made love. you made that WEIRD NOISE when you cummed. is that your true orgasm sound?

Jen R: yeah, it sounds like that ROBOT NOISE the Robot makes in the intro theme song to Whitney and the Robot...

Michael Jackson: MJO, i'm making a comeback. i'm gonna be what my mama always wanted me to be: a weatherman...

Jen Carfagno: i tried to do the Moonwalk on my roof and broke my leg. thank you, Michael, i feel more like Sean Lennon everyday... 

Michael Jackson: and then i'm gonna be an NFL football player who plays video games...

Michael Jackson: and then i'm gonna be the head of the NAACP...

Julian Sands: with me. i found my moral compass when i didn't have a compass down there...

Herta Ware: i was the first gilf...

lead singer of Dishwalla at the Vatican: i'm here to see the Pope. now that a pope is finally female, can you give me a sick note to get these bullies off me?

The Pope: you got death threats and hate mail just because God is a woman. i'm not God, i'm the Pope, but technically it's the same thing...

Fuerza dressed as Father Guido Sarducci: ...

Gilda Radner: i would have made the best Father Guido Sarducci...

Carlos Alcaraz: i'm silky like Spanish coffee.

Frances Tiafoe: my game is missing. i need to get my spark back.

Emma Raducanu: ...

Katy Perry at Pic-N-Save: you want spaghetti on rye?...

Gladyce: dear on our walk today we spotted this strange latex rubber black belt with a screw in it.

Mordecai: that is not Saturday-morning mall karate...

Doryce: definitely BDSM. moreover, furthermore, i scanned a paper booklet in the grass, Handy Stunts, the size of one of those Tijuana bibles.

Robert Crumb: had that Crumb energy to it.

Boc: saw a crunched McDonald's brown bag, thought it was a turkey...

Takahashi: a pill 4 times a day? 4 pills a day? this is not good.

Ariana Araiza: in case you didn't notice, you lost an hour of sleep last night. i didn't notice cuz i never get any sleep anyway, i'm always fucking through the night.

Tesla Cybertruck: i'm trying WAY TOO HARD to be the DeLorean. but i'll NEVER be the DeLorean.

Elon Musk: why didn't i just stick with electric cars? 

Michael J. Fox: hey Elon, fuck AI, just make a cure for Parkinson's...

Tide: don't let us fool you, we don't sell detergent water, we sell JUGS.

Brooke Trantor ...

Metamucil: feel less sluggish.........so you can play pickleball!!!

Jen P: dude, what are you doing?!!!

me: oh hey.

Jen P: don't hey me, you've lost the plot.

me: that's not good for an English major. 

Jen P: i'm sighing both loudly and internally. let me see what i can do. your field trip with Mr. Nolan is sure to count towards some sort of college credit. garner some credit-card points. 

Cillian Murphy: pronounce my first name NOW. i'm so proud of my Irish heritage i sing the Fight Song whilst drinking a Shamrock Shake from McDonald's, i'm the last man who still drinks those. don't count on it, Christopher Nolan FORCED me to do Oppenheimer WITHOUT reading the script first...

Jen P: did you at least write me a part in your movie?

me: not one where you're not naked...

Jen R: see THAT is why you're never ACTUALLY gonna ever make a movie...