THE MAGIC HORSE

 

Jen R: IT'S TONY SEASON!!!

me: the Sopranos are doing a cooking show?

Jen: IT'S BROADWAY SEASON!!! all the GOOD Broadway plays are being put up now, let's check one out.

me: first we gotta get to NYC.

Jen: no prob, New York's in my blood, click your green heels thrice and you're there. 

we see The Ally, a powerful Broadway play starring Josh Radnor in a beige sweater.

afterwards, Josh is insistent he speak with the audience.

Josh Radnor: listen folks, Sweet November is the WORST romcom OF ALL TIME.

Axl Rose: i liked it.

Keanu Reeves: i just mind-scrubbed that movie out of all your systems when you looked at my shades.

Aeon Flux: this is why i went lesbian...

Josh Radnor: but if you have to, if you have to, i IMPLORE you, do not watch The Man in the Moon 1991, i'm serious about this, watching that movie is the same thing as going through HELL.

Jim Carrey: and you thought Andy Kaufman was insufferable.

Josh: ladies and gentlemen, fresh off his retirement, i present to you, Sam Waterston!!!

the Broadway audience stands up and claps and ovates.

Sam Waterston: please sit the fuck down, ladies and gentlemen, i can't stand up. i hated doing that Southern movie, i'm not a Southern guy, look at me. i hated being a lawyer for all those years on Law & Order, i wanted to be a doctor to displease my mother. i tried to get on St. Elsewhere but by the time i got the audition that hospital had disappeared...

MBC: so like that L.A. health food store Erewhon is St. Elsewhere now, right? cuz all of those stores have shuttered... 

Erewhon: not an exact palindrome...

me: you know what Josh Radnor does here, THIS is the dream life.

Jen: right? but you have to be DREAMY like Josh Radnor or it doesn't work.

me: you're doing VITAL vibrant important Broadway theatre, what more do you want out of life?

Alex Silber knuckling my temples with her knuckles: this is what i've been trying to drill in your head for years now. this is the true meaning of the word instill...

Gurren Lagann: instill drill.

Josh Radnor: yeah. plus i married my therapist. but see that will only happen if you're as handsome as me. 

Josh's wife: Josh came in to see me complaining of having stage fright issues. as his therapist i recommended a regimen of powerful antipsychotic meds. 

Josh: those really messed me up.

wife: then i decided to just marry him cuz he had such a cute face. right? he looks like a housecat. we used the money for the meds for the wedding instead.

Boc: i walk instead of paying for a gym, my workout is out in the open every morning for public consumption.

Josh Radnor: i feel ya, brother, my Broadway performance is out there for public consumption every night. but not my private life. the public has NO IDEA how i work out.........in a gym...

Dirg in the Broadway audience: hey so is this question-and-answer time? look, if you're not gonna fuck me, i don't care what your favorite music is...

Jen: hey let's get Tad's Steaks before they close.

me: mine has Philadelphia peppers.

Jen: Tad, isn't that the character Josh Radnor played? i never watched that mother of a TV show...

Jen: let's get KitKats at the August Wilson Theatre...

Cole Escola: my name sounds like cola. New Coke that's good for you.

me: i am the EXACT body type as Cole Escola if i had become a famous actor like i had wanted to...

Doryce: they called me Sweaty Betty in college. i didn't go to Vassar, i went to Notre Dame...

Gladyce: and you didn't do P.E. once.

Doryce: sex is the best exercise. hot racking? sounds dirty but it's just when we rearranged the beds in our sorority...

Sweaty Betty: i sound like a Garbage Pail Kid. hot racking is getting illegal doubles of our cards on the black market. you have to realize, NO Garbage Pail Kid exercises...

Josh Radnor: i can't do Broadway without my banana.

Boc: same. it's a weak walk from me without my banana.

me: what's this?

Jen: Princess Zelda's golden horse from Tears of the Kingdom.

me: but what's it doing on Fifth Avenue?

Jen: haven't you ever wanted to race a horse down Broadway Avenue?...

Pati Jinich: only I make playing soccer in jeans sexy.

me: i'm not gay but WOO those sons of hers are handsome. all 3 of them. My Three Sons. they each have that striking Mexican Mediterranean jaw.

Pati Jinich: my sons, mis hijos, all 3 young men are starring in that PBS telenovela. my husband plays an old bandito on the show...

Pati Jinich: i recently went through a nightmare in my cocina. it was so disturbing it had to be real. i was washing an old pot and pan when i discovered an old avocado that must have been 3 YEARS OLD it was so musty!!! wrinkled and wrinkly and white and in cobwebs, so bruised it was oozing guacamole pus. this thing smelled like Gwyneth Paltrow's grandmother's vagina. i was so taken aback and horrified at the sight of it my tits deflated into flat Mexican pancakes. this avocado obviously wasn't from Mexico, ours are strong and last a lifetime in Leone, this avocado must have been from Pennsylvania...

Chris Matthews: ...

sopa: so the Storybook International episode "Secret Soup," i mean shouldn't it have been called "Nail Soup"?...

Kathie Lee Gifford: the world is getting troubling. what can i say? what can i do? one day a white van will pull up to my country home and "pick me up." you'll never hear from me again. in the meantime i take fruits-and-vegetables gummies to relax...

Mr. Kotter: i started my career on Broadway. doing Hair. nobody was looking at my exposed penis, my pubic hair, my junk hair, they were all MESMERIZED by the afro on top of my head. be honest, it wasn't Cindy Crawford that first turned you on to Pepsi, it was MR. GABE KOTTER drinking Pepsi that made you go gaga for Pepsi. i still have some carbonated Pepsi bubbles trapped in my Groucho mustache. on that ABC Olympics with the TV Stars sports show. kids want to be cool like their teachers...

William Shakespeare: i'm a writer not a handyman but heed my words of advice. don't eat soup with a nail in it, you might swallow the nail by accident. also don't get your shoes fitted to your feet like a horseshoe...

Peyton Manning: ...

Boc: frantic cell-phone call to your last contact on the corner of a 7-Eleven next to the school bus-stop bench at 7:30AM in the morning, i know what that's like...

Robert De Niro: ...

Dirg: my girlfriend's sketch.........no she's not a sketchy person, this is her DRAWING...

Mardith: come on, man, you don't have a girlfriend. and if you did she would never be an artist...

Aunt Cork: that's MY hand they used for the Body Glove logo when i was holding a ski.

Uncle Russ: it's actually my hand when i went deep-sea fishing, i'm holding an underwater turnip flower.

Tim: it's my hand holding a soft fluffy baseball.

Kavita: no it's MY hand holding a hippie peace flower despite the fact i was born in India and am 25. we listened to the Beatles over in India, too, you know...

The Pope listening to the George Michael song "Religion" in her saint's spa: i will retire the MOMENT, the MOMENT, i can wear a bikini on St. Peter's Square. the moment the world turns atheist. wait a moment, retire? you're retired FROM THE START the moment you become a priest...

Storybook International priest: in the Middle Ages, the town priest was more important than the town doctor. had more stature than the town blacksmith. we worked FUCKING HARD.

Minster: mantuary? but that's all monks...

Mardith: see the thing is my woman cave has a pool table...

Dragon's Lair: kids, never use the direct approach...

i'm at the Penguin Post Office.

Lindy Lenz: you could have just called.

me: that was the thing, i couldn't. i mean i DID call that number you gave me. 50 TIMES a day.

Lindy: but it never went through cuz you never pushed 1. and you were crying through the whole dial. i promise we'll meet soon. but it could take, like, 3 years more.

me: i live in a dream world where you leave an Instagram voice message for me every single day...

Lindy: did you find the cat clippers?

me: the cat nail scissors? yes. in a dream. but it wasn't real when i searched the location here at the North Pole in real life. or is it the South Pole? nobody can tell anymore. i can't use these weapons of war on my cats, i use them on my nails as my nail clippers.

Greykid: you're getting a grey lump of coal in your stocking.

Lindy Lenz: they say you should delete all messages that are a year old for space.

me: that assumes that i am HOPEFUL FOR THE FUTURE!!! i dare not delete your messages to me from 15 years back, they're the only voice of yours I GOT!!!

Irish Prime Minister: i'm resigning because Chicken Al Pastor is back at Chipotle.

Pati Jinich: i got that clue, green guac...

Mitch English for Wendy's: you don't understand, for some the Darude song is a song of healing after incalculable permanent devastating loss. this is how i cope, by singing and dancing to this song.

Addison Rae: since i'm only a YouTube girl i could only get this Nerds commercial. they called me YouTube trash. i auditioned to BE Jennifer Beals in the Flashdance reboot...

Olivia Benson: if i had been locked inside a Kohl's overnight instead as a kid, i would have owned an artist gallery and shopped for Matisses as a healthy adult instead...

Jennifer Beals: see me. listen to me. listen to my needs. i won't ace that audition unless i eat carrot sticks and celery sticks first. i need you to find me one more bare shoulder so we never have to wear shoulderpads again...

boy on the baseball diamond: when i grow up i want to be an MLB baseball player, they play in Korea and i need to get emancipated from my parents NOW...

Dolce & Gabbana: we cleared this desert of Bono before we shot. K and Q stand for Klepto and Quiz.

Patrick Lavender: imagine if i had remained a Democrat, Starbucks would have named a drink after me...

Arm & Hammer.

dad: dig deep to clean.

son: dad, i found the Rabbit Hole to that Alice in Wonderland world!!!

dad: we can't talk about that world anymore, son. and it's not because of the drug angle...

Melissa Maker: i can enter that hole at anytime but i've been shadowbanned from it...

Amazon Prime troll: why am i so angry? look at the GORGEOUS STONE castle for a house i call home. i'm created from a broom by a god named Jim Henson. and i found out i'm gay after viewing one episode of Reacher. i know who i am now. and Larry David is a HILARIOUS little troll. but broadcast TV is still better than streaming...

ACE Hardware: at ACE your backyard is our backyard, that's not us peeing in it.

we're at Starbucks after the show.

Jen R: it's ritual, after watching a Broadway show you MUST scurry across the street to the Starbucks opposite the stage. and drink some lavender coffee.

me: this coffee tastes like.........St. Cyril's...

me: is that Ear Horn in the green apron as the new countergirl?...

Julie Patzwald: makes sense, Japan has a Sakura Cherry Blossom coffee...

Jen: i want you to close your eyes and sit back. in that order, trust fall. imagine you on the horse, you're riding to exotic locales over the planet. the firefall at Yosemite that looks like a giant horsetail. quenched only by Canada's Horseshoe Falls. 

Melissa Maker: that's where the back-entrance is to that caterpillar puffing weed...

Jen: you lead our horse to water. at Washington, D.C., i lived in D.C. for a few years...

Uncle Sigh: i drank the ENTIRE Tidal Basin...

Jen: now picture 7 bathing beauties from the year 1920. they're in their sexy one-piece bodysuits which are the bikinis of the day. look at their faces, they have perfectly human faces like you and me, despite being 100 years old. they don't look weird or strange, they look human. and none of them have HEARD of F. Scott Fitzgerald...