IRONWORKERS: MOONSAULT

 

Gemini is alone. he is alone with his thoughts. he is completely alone inside the American Gladiators studio.

Gemini: it's too quiet in here, i need a little noise to think.

he looks up at the MASSIVE TALLNESS of the obstacle course known as The Wall.

Gemini: many a soul has climbed up this wall, but NONE have mastered it. too many footholds, handholds, kneeholds, i wish it was smoother. and that damn clock, FUCK the time limit. Nature has no time limit. how am i gonna summit this? man i wish Mr. T were here, he's annoying but he's my best friend.

suddenly Mr. T's GIANT VISAGE is upon the Nerf stoneface of the Wall. Mr. T's HOLY FACE appears as a light of warmth which comforts and heats the entire arena at the top of the Wall.

Mr. T's head: they wanted me to do a commercial for Wonder Bread. you believe that? me, i mean imagine ME next to Wonder Bread.

Gemini: i'm at a loss, man. i lost myself.

Mr. T: i'll give you a clue, blood: F.

Ear Horn is driving a DeLorean time machine with no wheels skidding it across the streets of Gilmore St. and the intersections of Van Nuys. the car starts and stops, fits and starts, always with a puff of smoke under the hood.

Takahashi: this is either the raddest thing i'll ever see or are you a bunch of old ladies in need of assistance?

Ear Horn: all good, dearie. what a nice young man. i decided to start driving again, babes.

Doryce: after 50 years? your driver's license still good?

Ear: all licenses are lifetime.

Gladyce: everyone is staring at us as we're in the middle of the road. 

Doryce: even that cute jogger with a cave-miner's lantern hardhat on jogging at 4AM.

Boc: wasn't me.

Ear: that's cos they think the car is driving itself!!! i'm so short my head reaches the dashboard and i'm pushing the pedals with my nose. we'll be at the American Gladiators parking lot in no time. we need some of that Blue Rhino propane.

Doryce: did you see those prices? if you exchange it's cheap, if you don't exchange it's 69 dollars!!! honey i'm always willing to exchange my fluids for fuel, i WANT you to put your salt on my tail to REV me up not stop my flight.

Suzy Lu and Kakashi are early for taping and sit next to each other in the empty auditorium audience seating.

Kakashi: did you make sure to chain my bike?

Suzy: i chained it to the side of The Wall. TEN TITS!!! did you see that this morning on the Weather Channel?!!! that was an EVENT!!! all 5 babe weatherwomen all at once!!! 

Kakashi: i wasn't looking, my mouth-mask was covering my eyes. you can join in on that gaggle.

Suzy, blushing and looking down: no i cannot. got no tits. all my babe weight went into my butt.

Kakashi: i opened your butt once and ate it at midnight thinking it was a refrigerator. i was sleepwalking again.

Suzy: i love when we roleplay Dragon Ball with my Senzu Beans candy.

Kakashi: yes, when you want to go extra rounds in bed when we're both tired. but you shouldn't be so prejudicial, Suzy my Pokemon, Senzu Beans exist in modern medicine, sometimes a pill is the ONLY thing that can make you recover 100%...

Tai and Luke at the hostel.

Tai: what?

Luke Russert: scratchy throat. chills.

Tai: lemon.

Luke: didn't work.

Tai: it has to be a Meyer lemon.

Luke Russert: my favorite R.E.M. song is "Crush with Eyeliner," that throat lyric...

Jen R: you know, you don't really get the FULL annular-eclipse experience unless you're viewing it while listening to the Batman: The Animated Series intro song...

Luke Russert: over-the-counter penicillin, just a thought...

AOC: come on, if you won't listen to me, at least hear the Palestinian side from a Jewish lightworker who was on your favorite episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation...

Meet the Press: i love when the guests wear a suit jacket on top, jeans on the bottom.

Hallie Jackson: my tits are works of art, Michelangelo masterpiece mammaries.

Mardith: motherly Michelangelo masterpiece mammaries.

Brotherly Shove: Tush Push is too vulgar. all the Philadelphia Eagles were former rugby players. scrum fun. scrums are sexy. 

Rocky Balboa: i invented scrum. i invented rugby and hockey.........i have a few concussions...

aboard the Toonami spaceship wandering the outer galaxies aimlessly.

TOM: did you catch that?

SARA: it was quick but I caught it.

TOM: you were rubbing your belly there. are you pregnant?

SARA: yes.........it's yours.........obviously.........we're the only two souls aboard this vessel for the past 25 years...

TOM: not any of the other billion TOMs out there in the outer-space galaxies?...

SARA blushes blue in annoyance.

TOM: just kidding.

Scott Pilgrim: so, like, am i Billy Pilgrim's grandson?

Billy Pilgrim: yes, you are Billy Pilgrim Jr.'s son. i gave you that rad electric guitar you cherish and carry around everywhere for your birthday. remember? the old popcorn man on your porch?

Scott Pilgrim: i don't want to be that millennial guy, but i would have preferred Atomsk...

Gundam '78: there's such a sense of safety and timelessness when you enter this world again, the stability of my birth year...

Ramba Ral: Gundam is all about security...

E cup: not the same as all breasts...

Dirg; all e-breasts...

Mardith: ...

Mr. T: I PITY THE FOOL who thinks F stands for fentanyl and i was advocating you take some, fool!!! 

Gemini, shaking: i wasn't, sir, i swear. i was thinking E. 

Mr. T, smiling for the first time in his life and nodding his head 9 times: you're on the right track.

Gemini: for Extasy.

Mr. T shaking his head: and you just ruined it. NO. the F as in WWF, wrestling is COOL NOW.

Gemini: as opposed to tomorrow's WWE which will be straight hot garbage.

Mr. T: the wrestlers now DAZZLE rather than DRUG. they make the kids DREAM. they perform special moves in the ring that will help you with The Wall.

Gemini: i got it, the moonsault.

Mr. T: by Skippy he's got it!!! kids dreamt of going to the moon after that, especially young girls. wait, i thought Extasy was a party drug.

Gemini: nope, it's the #1 steroid in the country, trust.

Mr. T: are you visioning it?

Gemini climbing onto the first rung: oh yeah.

Mr. T: instead of climbing up each rung, do a MOONSAULT after each rung, flip backwards into the air. pretend there's ANOTHER WALL on your back side to catch you. ninja from wall to wall till you see yourself rising from the ashes of the hood to the top cream. that's how you gain speed.

Gemini: up like i was raised up on Nintendo Ninja Gaiden. call me Gemini Gaiden. speaking of gaiden i need to eat the garden vegetables i left in the refrigerator...

Ear Horn: my daughter would LOVE you, G!!!

Mr. T: of course you do this all in your mind, if you did this in real life you'd be dead. everybody always does everything all in their mind at all times...

Gemini: i did it.........it took me a few weeks but i did it...