Bruce Lee carries Lindy Lenz gingerly across his back.
Bruce Lee: don't worry, babe, i've got you. i will ALWAYS have you.
Lindy Lenz: i'm scared, babe, this is my first time out since my epilepsy diagnosis. i'm already showing. i'm a full-blown invalid at 1 week!!!
Bruce: you are no such thing!!! you are beautiful and my bride!!! don't worry about being outside, no people will see you, we're thousands of miles in the air on top of this snow-peaked mountain. ah, SMELL that thin air!!!
Lindy: is this where you do your lower-back squats?
Bruce: yes. and with your extra weight on me i'm sure to tone that problem-area of mine in time for my next lower-back tattoo.
Lindy: i'm not THAT fat, skinnier now that i'm sick. please make the tat a rainbow or something.
Bruce: i was partial to the cat with the Chinese calligraphy but whatever.
Jen R and i are antiquing in SoHo rummaging through milk crates with the stench of pizza nearby.
me: this is the PERFECT DAY.
Jen R: like the Lou Reed song.
me: it truly is. i can't think of anything i'd rather be doing all day with you.
Jen: oh yeah you can. and it involves fuzz. not my vagina, a tennis ball. a fuzzy tennis ball.
me: let's COMBINE THEM!!!
Jen R: excuse me, do you have Arthur Ashe's record?
Roger Federer behind the milk-crate booth: Arthur Ashe's lifetime record was 501-323 or some shit.
Jen: no, record as in LP, longplay record, look at me, i'm exactly a vinyl Brooklyn hipster.
Arthur Ashe blows the dust not ash off the only physical copy of his record Learn Tennis with Arthur Ashe for Beginners and Advanced Players and takes it out of the milk crate.
Arthur Ashe: wow, the letters painted at the bottom of the box say OUT OF STOCK. i must be popular!!!
Roger Federer: or you're just VERY OLD.
Jen: would you please sign this record, Mr. Ashe? your're my tennis hero. and my only hero. here, use my mechanical pencil here with the cute kawaii tiny tennis ball for an eraser nub on top...
Arthur Ashe starts dancing inside Rasputin Records like that girl in the New Order "Temptation" music video.
Ear Hon behind the counter at Pic-N-Save: cucurbita cures.
Tinder: know anybody looking for love? ARE your that anybody? aren't we ALL that person AT ALL TIMES?...
low-grade cough: F-grade. as in Grade F.
Melissa Maker: i love how everyone at Bagel Bakery is wearing a grey FREE PALESTINE sweatshirt, now THAT's human support and love.
sensational seagulls and humongous hummingbirds: we squawk and buzz and glide for peace.
Boc: i saw it. plain as day. it was a miracle. a miracle by God. one dandelion growing out of concrete...
PBS: we can't say "butt-dial," we have to say "pocket-dial..."
Ear Horn at Pic-N-Save: don't worry, dearie, Liquid Death is just water.
Eye Luggage: that was so lame, i would sneak and smuggle these cans from you when i was a young goth rebel kid. do i STILL HAVE TO stack these cans on the shelf, Mom?!!!...
Boc: all i got, all i'm hanging onto, is the hope of lucky pennies strewn on the street...
Dr. Vacc: sometimes you just gotta fix your teeth, kid...
Abe Vigoda: you gotta fight for your health.
Ryan Reynolds: there is NOTHING like being a European sports fan...
Pati Jinich: how do i smoke your meat? how do i cure your meat with my mouth? uno dos tres. never let the flame hit the meat, it's all about the fantasy. the Aztec fantasy. inky beans, raw chorizo, Creole pumpkin. place two tortillas on my butt, i'm your comal...
Carlos Reygadas: you're a cute chilanga...
Pati: i'm the world's chiquita.
Bobby Charlton: i was in the Hair Club For Men when i didn't want to be!!!
Eye Luggage: Breakfast at Tiffany's and go.
Takahashi: you know you're in DEEP TROUBLE when you see in the opening credits MICKEY ROONEY as Mr. Yunioshi. i was expecting the worst and i was right, that was WORSE THAN BAD. just TERRIBLE. why, just WHY?!!! this could have been a minor classic, a warm nostalgia movie that EVERYONE could come back to and curl up into like a comforting blanket. but the entire thing is RUINED FOREVER by this character.
Mickey Rooney: i don't get the controversy, when i walk down the street everyone, even Asians, come up to me, slap me on my raincoat, and tell me i did a great job with Yunioshi, that he was.........funny.........then again, i don't remember much anymore, i starred in EVERY MOVIE from 1910 to 1940.........and i'm pretty sure i fucked Judy Garland at least once...
Deep Blue Something start singing their hit song "Breakfast at Tiffany's."
Henry Mancini: what are you doing?
Deep Blue Something: it's the one thing we've got.
Mancini: I do the music around here, pals!!! MY song "Moon River," it's synonymous with this classic film, you can't have one without the other. have your grandparents ever mentioned "Moon River" to you?
Deep Blue Something: let's be honest here, MOST PEOPLE ON EARTH learned about the film Breakfast at Tiffany's because of OUR song. sorry, Hank.
Audrey Hepburn: this opening scene, it inspired millions of girls to start eating danishes out of trash cans. and for that i am sorry.
Audrey: my mother called me Audrey Spidey Sense as a child...
Audrey: let's be honest, the whole Holly Golightly look, the ONE thing that stands out the most is my BIG-ASS black cigarette-holder stick.
Shelley Duvall: that stick changed my life...
Bill Cosby: and now this is turning into my Harlem house with the brownstones and the neighborhood stoops...
me: hey, you can't say anything anymore about anything...
Trinity: ORANGEY!!! is that you?
Orangey: yup.
Trinity: GRANDFATHER!!! grandpa!!! i missed you.
Orangey: i should have been called Orangey in the film, not Cat, that was dumb. Orangey is cooler.
Audrey: as you can see, i'm far ahead of my time, i wore the Naruto sleeping-eye eye-mask before Naruto did...
Audrey: you look familiar, do you play a lot of $25,000 Pyramid?
George Peppard: Dick Clark is SO YOUNG!!!
Audrey: you're Paul Varjak? did you carjack a car?
Peppard: look at me, if anything MY car was jacked...
Jackie Fitzgerald: ...
George Peppard: call me Peppard, it's cooler.
Audrey: are you allergic to salt?
Peppard: yes but thankfully not to your sugariness.
Peppard: you a whore?
Audrey: that's the Great Debate, i'm not exactly a prostitute, i'm more like a.........geisha. a geisha with a $50 powder room.
Blake Edwards: in fact i was gunning hard to have this film called American Geisha.
Takahashi: buddy let's not go there again, you've already caused enough damage for a quadrillion years.
Audrey: you're a writer? written anything i might have read?
Peppard: i don't wanna talk about it, i'm embarrassed over my work. i have a few short stories and vignettes out there all published only in Playboy. i'm a writer. well i'm a typer. i'm a typewriter.
Audrey: nothing wrong with being a kept boy.
Peppard: i know, right? this is LITERALLY THE ONLY WAY a writer can feed himself.
Audrey: no not the normal natural blues, i'm talking about getting the mean reds.
Peppard: you need some strong antipsychotics for YOUR type of depression...
on the ledge by sunlight.
Peppard: you play that ukulele well, girlie. and you have an okay singing voice.
Audrey: thanks. this guitar solo is a song about loneliness and trying to find the one, your one true love, the one you match with down the river in case the both of you have to swim for it. the moon's gravitational pull towards impossible-to-find lovers. it's called "Moon River."
Peppard: you should have become a musician instead of a call-girl skank.
Audrey: you're right, i never thought of it like that, i should have become Madonna, i just regarded my musicianship as another of my geisha skills.
Sally Tomato: i'm a man with the name Sally, and i'm in prison, this is not good.
Audrey: can i sing here at Sing Sing? what's the weather report?
Sally Tomato: Maria LaRosa, it's ALWAYS Maria LaRosa. she's like Hurricane Otis revving up to a Cat 5 in ONE NIGHT, if you know what i mean. why does this prison in New York look like Alcatraz?...
Audrey and Peppard in bed.
Audrey, crying: who would have played my Army brother Fred?
Peppard: Fred Rogers.
Audrey: sorry for all the goosefeathers strewn everywhere...
Peppard: just stuff them between our sheets...
Peppard: what's this?
Audrey: a typewriter ribbon.
Peppard: oh i thought it was some kinky sex thing.
Audrey: be warned, this is gonna be a WILD PARTY.
Peppard: kinky sex things?
Audrey: no like people with lampshades on their heads.
Audrey: this is Mag Wildwood, my lesbian lover, every time we fuck i inherit her stutter...
agent: Holly? she's a fake. but she's a fake with a heart of gold. O.J. was a great name to have in 1961...
Peppard: i know what you are. a golddigger.
Audrey: is that supposed to make me feel better?
Patricia Neal: don't call me 2E, makes me self-conscious, Rod Serling used to call me Human E. i took a lot of Extasy in those days, the party days, the black-and-white days...
Patricia: besides, i don't live in Apartment 2E, that would have been cooler...
Patricia: that man following us is creepy like the FBI. i don't like the brim of his Homburg hat.
Peppard: that man? he's no stranger, he's that guy from my favorite TV show!!!
Peppard: Buddy Ebsen, the patriarch from Beverly Hillbillies!!! can i have your autograph? sign my homburg.
Buddy Ebsen: wait for the McDonald's toys of us to come out, son. you know i married Audrey when she was, like, 11 or something. don't give me that look!!! hillbilly, remember?!!! this is such an Antonioni park...
at the Greyhound station.
Buddy Ebsen: you were so desperate to run away from our home farm in the middle of nowhere to go to the city.
Audrey: don't be salty. i'm the flower that grows out of city concrete. New York City is THE ONLY CITY THAT EXISTS IN THE WORLD. you can't love a wild thing, i'm like Cassie from Skins.
at the strip club.
Peppard: why you BUGGING YOUR EYES OUT at a naked Miss Beverly Hills the stripper? you do worse as a ho.
Audrey: i think i'm just jealous. how do you think she achieved that title?
Peppard: slept with the Beverly Hillbillies?
Audrey: i'd make more if my body looked like hers.
Peppard: nah, don't sell yourself short, kid, you got a better face...
Laertus: there is nothing more beautiful than spending the day with your girl in the Big City arm-in-arm.
Eye: the man said what he said. you said it, my shining babe.
at Tiffany's.
counterman: buying a wedding ring for the missus? my lowest price is $100,000.
Peppard: yeah i suppose i'll marry this one eventually. hey can you engrave this Cracker Jack ring for me? both our initials, i want it to be a surprise for her.
counterman: no, too sticky.
Lucio Rossi: okay i NEED one of those phone-dialer finger sticks, spam calls are so YUCKY to touch!!! they give me diabetes.
at the costume shoppe.
Audrey: have you ever stolen anything in your life?
Peppard: just a car.
Audrey: no i mean candy.
Peppard: i tried to steal a packet of Pop Rocks but they exploded inside my penis. oh, so this IS a Halloween movie after all...
Audrey: hey, let ME wear the Huckleberry Hound mask.
Peppard: right, it's kinkier if you do it, that's a kinky thing.
Audrey: you gotta admit that was ingenious, leaving the shoppe with our masks on, people were so distracted by the masks they forgot we never paid for them!!!
Peppard: that was dumb to talk to that cop in our masks...
at the New York Public Library.
Audrey: what's scribbled on all these index cards?
Peppard: Fritz Weaver's spidery inky autographs...
Audrey: is your book in here?
Peppard: someone stole my book from off this shelf!!!
Eye: oooh, NICE SYMBOLISM HERE, 2E is behind that beaded curtain, as if to say she has become DISTANCED from Varjak, she can't see his face anymore, it's blurred and blocked by beads, his TRUE face. the face that's in love. with not her.
O.J.: the executive phone, easier for the CIA to bug...
on the steps of the police station/court/jail.
Audrey: did you see that?!!! did you see my facial expression as the exploding-smoke-bulb cameras were shooting off in my face? did you see the pose i posed? that was the FIRST SELFIE FACE!!!
Audrey: like my vintage '60s kitchen? with the linoleum?
Peppard: so chic. but i'm depressed. the mean reds. cos you're leaving, what am i gonna do in New York City all by myself?
Audrey: what is there to do in Brazil?
Peppard: well you could finally get that BIG BUTT you've always wanted.
Audrey: a STRIPPER BUTT would look good on my pencil body-type.
in the car in the rain, the taxi to the airport.
Peppard: I OWN YOU!!!
Audrey: seriously?
Peppard: well, sorta. isn't that what being in love is? isn't that what "be mine" means?
Laertus: this is good writing right here, this is a good speech, it's true, there is no other point to the shit of life than to find someone to be with for eternity.
Eye Luggage: that's some good shit, babe, the shit of life, i'm putting that in our wedding vows written on the side of a Cracker Jack box...
in the rain in an alley with some damp cardboard boxes.
Audrey: CAT!!!
Orangey: lady, YOU'RE the one who FUCKING ABANDONED ME in the rain!!! kicked me out of the taxi like a used lipstick case. don't you Cat me!!! well they don't call me an alleycat for nothing. HEY, not so rough, you're squeezing me TOO TIGHT!!!...
postscript: Holly Golightly and Paul Varjak get married, their First Anniversary gifts to each other: cages.
Peppard: kinky things.
postscript: and they have a son named Pat Sajak...
Julia Roberts: Audrey Hepburn, can i borrow your hat?.........you know, to go grocery-shopping and stuff...
Richard Gere: OOOHHHHHHHHH.........now i get it. Pretty Woman is the '90s Breakfast at Tiffany's. g'night folks.
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