it was quite the sight. people couldn't believe what they were seeing. it was all witnessed over there at the Kroger's parking lot. Mr. T, heretofore undefeated in anything he had ever tried, was BEATEN by someone else. another man by the name of Gemini. Gemini kinda sorta looked like Mr. T without the jewelry and gang peace paraphernalia.
Gemini has Mr. T by the wrist. Mr. T is crying into his gold chains, rusting them. he uses his feathers to dry his eyes.
Mr. T: i can't believe the Indian burn you're giving me extends from my back to my butt. i can't believe my finger is bending back extending from Arizona to New Mexico.
Gemini: look, man, i don't want to hurt you. your genitals are starting to smell like farts. just say uncle.
Mr. T: where did you grow up? the mean streets of Downtown Los Angeles like me?
Gemini: yeah don't you remember seeing me there, you fool? you gave me an ice cream cone once, that cone was delicious.
Mr. T: cones are safe. is strawberry your favorite flavor?
Gemini: of course it is, you little punk.
Gemini subtly sees the crowd gathering and raises his voice and the back of his hand abruptly.
Gemini: I'M GEMINI, YOU LITTLE BITCH!!!
the crowd claps. Gemini notices.
Mr. T: i surrender.
Gemini lets go of T's wrist.
Mr. T: after this let's be boys, man.
Gemini: okay, man. go home, boys and girls, go back home and do your math homework from Ms. Krause, that'll be a bitch. i'll be over to your houses at 6PM to visit all your moms.
Mr. T: to make sure you kids did your homework.
Gemini: your dads don't come home from work at the car wash until 7. that is CLASSIC Van Nuys.
Mr T: where'd you learn to punch like that, my man?
Gemini: it's not fighting, it's protecting myself and my family. i don't have a family. i hope to MAKE a family of my own one day.
Mr. T: don't work at THAT pizza place over there at the corner, the manager is a racist prick AND the pizza tastes like Papa John's.
Gemini: what's the point of the Papa John's butter sauce? that's not sauce, all Papa John does is melt the butter. and it smells like my activator. i'm struggling with money.
Mr. T: you should audition for American Gladiators, you certainly have the build for it.
Gemini; what the fuck is that?
Mr. T: it's brilliant, musclemen like us get to jump around a studio all night and get paid handsomely to beat up on smaller weaker prettyboy men who are trying to impress their girlfriends with how tough they are, their relationships are hanging by a thread and this is the last straw. don't worry, they wear cotton helmets and sponge padding, it's all legal.
Gemini: oh yeah i saw that show once at a Vegas dinner theater. it's like the Nike Olympics. fun games if you don't break your bones.
Mr. T: have you seen my show?
Gemini: The A*Team?
Mr. T: no that show is stupid, and we stole the * from Q*bert. i'm talkin' bout my cartoon, the writing on my cartoon is on par with Brecht.
Gemini: i caught the Monterey Bay episode. i'm from Monterey Bay. nice use of the Lone Cypress and Pebble Beach Links golf course in the background cel paintings in that one.
Minster: have your watched the forbidden-monastery Mr. T episode? that was my 'Nam flashback. did you see that poor monk in his robe running for his life in sandals and he gets scooped into a van and the van sidedoor shuts with a quickness and a sickness, that was me, that's how i was recruited into my monastery, i was kidnapped by other monks from a neighboring parish and forced into submission, forced to take vows of silence, celibacy, and poverty. it has sucked ever since.
Mr. T: i looked GOOD in that monk robe. like GOD. i was pretty street-surly to my kids there in those first few episodes...
Mr. T: you see the gymnastics jackets my kids wear on my cartoon? those are PERFECT for American Gladiators. but alas, i lost to you in a fair duel, i cannot rightly join the show now, it just wouldn't be right, i am an honorable man. here, take my golden audition ticket. YOU join.
Gemini: thanks, T. it's gonna be wild being in that cast. think about it, you would have been TOO PERFECT being on that show, you would have been TOO PERFECT A FIT being an American Gladiator.
Mr. T: admittedly. i give.
Gemini: what would your Gladiator name have been?
Mr. T: T. like how i'd put all the contestants in traction, their bodies would be shaped like a T.
Luke Russert: STRETCHED out.
Mr. T: and then i'd have tea with all the pretty lady Gladiators on the catwalk overhead. in Mr. King Arthur T's Court.
Mark Christensen on his walk is walking with his baby boy holding him in swaddling clothes covering the baby's face from the harsh rays of the sun with a pink blanket.
Jen R: that is so manly. how old is your son?
Mark: one second.
Jen R: you're one of those sensitive men in their 30s who went to an Ivy League school on the East Coast, you give off that vibe like an electric rip current. you know the sun is just a big ball of chemicals.
me: you're into guys with babies? mama men? then let's have a baby together.
Jen R: i would.........with you but i am SO tired right now.
John Travolta: do you miss Welcome Back, Kotter? do you miss being in that world? have you seen all the episodes? well then, watch my new movie Saturday Night Fever, you'll be right back there in that high school in no time...
Hidan: i used to work for David S. Pumpkins...
Obito: hi, Dan!!!
Hidan: no.
Roger Goodell: wait a minute, the Roman Empire had gladiatorial combat, America has football.........it makes you think...
Patrick Mahomes: the fall of the Roman Empire, the fall of America?
Andy Reid: bread and circuses is my favorite. bread is my favorite.
Dirg; my body doesn't know the difference. my body thinks i have sex every day all the time, releasing curative endorphins throughout my body. my body doesn't know that all i'm doing is masturbating. my body thinks i have a healthy body...
Boc: walking also keeps me flexible.........whenever it is the next time that one day i have sex again...
Charles Peek: is it the peak of leaf-peeping season yet? leaf-Peeking? my orange van has only one more pint of gas left...
Boc: oh the soft aura-glow of the bistro lights on the trees at the Barnyard on my walk are so romantic at 7:30 in the morning. too bad there's no one to be on a date with. i like men but i gotta admit, Hilda is lookin' sexy holding that water spray-bottle of cleanser like that.
Kurt: the phone said Kurt Cobain, not San Jose...
Mike Tyson: is this Ryder Cup being played in Vegas?
non-drunk Europeans outside a pub: it's getting lusty out here. it's getting heated out here. raucous ribald raw Ryder Cup. spirited, not spiteful. we're getting our revenge on the Americas. we're liking this a bit much.
Loyal Order of Moose: the closest you'll ever come in 2023 to The Flintstones.
Seth MacFarlane: ...
Coke Y3000: Cotton Candy Coke.
Laertus: Carmel could have been a Fraggle Rock living situation if the city had been constructed better...
Takahashi at the car show: i hope it rains on all you bitches.
Roger Federer: yes, i'm the Director in The Goes Wrong Show.
Boc: freezing cold air in the morning heals. Family Guy heals. walking is good for the body but it's really good for the mind as it lets your mind wander...
Jacksonville Jaguars: we're staying in London for two straight weeks, THIS is our home stadium now!!! there are jaguars in London, right? not the car, the cat...
Pete Sampras: my Japanese name is Sampuru...
Jim Cramer: invest your money wisely. like for instance i dunno for example, use $400 of this money of yours to pay for my course on investing.
Julia Ioffe: you got your Bachelor of Science from Harvard, yes?
Jim: yep.
Julia: Harvard BS, that's about right.
Ear Horn is womanning the station behind the counter of giant oval glass displays at the Pic N Save. on a LONG stool.
Ear Horn: i just had a VERY LONG stool. i saw you at the gyro shack across the street stuffing your face. you were scarfing that great greasy gyro so fast the skinny lamb shanks didn't have time to have any of the 5 Great Sauces on them, what's the matter with you?!!!
Gemini: i did it. i actually did. it. i ACED the audition. i'm on the show. i'm on American Gladiators. i'm one of the Gladiators on that goofy show. so i have to carb up at all times, calorie like a motherfucker. i have to have my energy with me always, ready to strike.
Ear Horn: that's all wrong, dearie. you have to think about LEANING your muscle from now on. strong muscle is HALE muscle. you gotta be HEALTHY, not strong. being on that show isn't about brute force, undiluted rage, animal instinct, it's about being a role model to kids. a role model for troubled kids. quiet your anger, lean to learn, never strike first. real strength is inner strength. Bruce Lee would be laughing at you right now.
Gemini: um, aren't you the butcher here?
Ear Horn: yes.
Gemini: so where is all the MEAT?!!!
Ear: THIS is the stuff you should be eating, the food your body CRAVES. like my collection on display here? i call it my Glass Garden. you got your pink lettuce, your purple cabbage, your blue arugula, your sassafras grass, your wheat germ, and your dolma leaves. temper your palate and your temper will follow. all that red-meat rabble-rousing will make your gall bladder climb up to the top of the Wall before you do.
Luke Russert: hey have you seen their cereal aisle? Mr. T Cereal, i used to eat that every Saturday morning when my dad and i would watch the Mr. T cartoon together in the den. my dad Tim Russert taught me about the group laugh at the end of all cartoons. and when i was getting my learner's permit he taught me about the true meaning of the word Farfegnugen.
Gemini: your dad never taught you right from wrong? i never ate Mr. T, i ate C-3PO's Cereal while watching Droids. nobody drives a car in Compton, that's just stupid. i walked everywhere. i walked from L.A. to New York in ten minutes. long strides. i never miss leg day.
Gemini: and what is THAT seed, lady?!!!
Ear Horn: oh that's my collection of curare. pretty sweet, huh? except it's quite sour.
Gemini: it smells like my activator. what does it do?
Ear Horn: it paralyzes you. paralyzes the muscles.
Gemini: how it that a good thing?
Ear Horn: hey at some point in your work you're gonna need a good anesthetic. or the contestant combatant is gonna need a good anesthetic to protect themself from you if you don't slow down.
Gemini: take stock? i got time, the next taping is at 4AM.
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