IRONWORKERS: EULOGIST

 

inside the American Gladiators studio.

Mike Adamle: AND NOW, FOLKS!!!.........SKY TRACK!!!

the crowd goes wild.

Adamle: wait wait, i can sense the reverb, i heard the echo, that was misspelled, it's Skytrak...

Sasha Grey: what is this bullshit track on the ceiling? it looks like my ceiling mirror.

The Undertaker from WWF: beats me. get it? i'm holding a tea-urn...

Sasha Grey and The Undertaker are trying out to be American Gladiators and boy did they BOTH ace their auditions!!!

Sasha Grey: this is the logical extension to our careers, right?

The Undertaker: oh yeah, girlie.

Sasha Grey: what's your Gladiator name?

The Undertaker: Tomb. of course. you?

Sasha Grey: HEY ADAMLE!!! WHEREVER YOU ARE INSIDE THIS STUDIO RIGHT NOW!!! YOU CAN'T HIDE FROM ME FOREVER WITH YOUR SMALL MOUSEMAN STATURE!!! my Gladiator name is NOT gonna be Cum...

Mr. T: what is this bullshit ceiling track? looks like the crack mirror i used to use when i was hustlin'. before the Angel Gabriel straightened me out in Sing Sing.

Gemini: it's Sky Track. remember when you were a kid and you pretended you were Spider-Man running around all over the ceiling hitting every curve and corner, swinging like a turnt spider, jumping jiggawatts, flying like a motherfucker?

Mr. T: slinging web like hash. every curve and turn like a cornered spider. but how do you stay UP?!!!

Gemini: harnesses and velcro.

Ear Horn: tell us a story, dearies. your favorite weatherlore. i'll start: if you eat a raw carrot without knowing it, it will rain.

Doryce: if you see me naked, it will rain.

Gladyce: if you accidentally see me naked, it will rain.

Ear Horn: oh our PRECIOUS cat Bella Spinks.

Eye Luggage: she's a fighter.

Ear: her 50-decibel PURR broke the Guinness Book of Worlds record. not as good as the Guinness Grimoire tho. the purr sounds like my kettle boiling, she would lay down to sleep encircling my kettle with her curved tail during her formative kitten years.

Eye: she sounds like a damp napkin, it's a brilliantly goth sound.

Boc: masturbating and walking get the nervous energy out.

low-grade flu the rest of your life: dems the breaks, for hopeful lucid dreams.

Fuerza: you just take for granted that you're gonna wake up and get out of bed with two good legs.

Dotty the Seal: i'm not a slut, i'm a MEDICAL MIRACLE!!! 20 successful pregnancies!!! i'm a marvel of science, not fat, apologize. apologize to me. and i hate seafood. good morning? who gets up early Saturday morning at 4AM to watch a beach eggnest?

Ariana Jaso: ...

Boc: i would love to go on walks in the snow if that were a thing in California...

extinction rebel: being a writer in Hollywood...

Borat: you Extinction Rebels stole my banana-hammock mankini...

Boc: debonair dragonfly derriere...

Stanford: free will doesn't exist.

Princeton: PLEASE let Julia Ioffe of her own free will like me.

Robert Sapolsky: i'd be Grizzly Adams if i didn't have a degree...

Madame Defarge: grannies in pinnies got nuthin' on me!!!

Hagoromo: i am such a fascinating being. not related to Tony Romo.  i look like a damn devil. a person with pale skin and horns, but i couldn't be nicer. no one is more gracious, generous, kind, and benevolent. than me.

scruples: always just sounded like testicles.

Oscar Mayer Scramblers commercial: not cool. all those scrambled letters, i thought i had DYSLEXIA!!!

Emily Blunt: i'm sorry i called her "enormous." but at least i didn't call her a sow or anything, you know?

Gemini is sweating in his palms and kneepits prior to the start of his Sky Track race hanging upside-down on the ceiling.

Gemini: this is some bullshit. why do i do this again? this is CRAZY. i am SO NERVOUS. i just want to impress Siren.

Siren is right next to Gemini in the next lane, she's sweating for a different reason, her eyes are steely and resilient.

Adamle: GO!!!

before Gemini has a chance to flinch Siren is already halfway done with the race. she beats his time and sets her own world record for chutzpah.

Gemini: aw shit i can't beat her. i can't race her, i'm in love with her. i'll get her next time when i'm not racing against her.

in the next race Gemini is determined. he jumps the gun and WHIZZES the Sky Track GLIDING into the world record with his first-cross.

Gemini: now i'm sweating for a DIFFERENT reason. did Siren see me do that from down below? 

Gemini looks down. Siren is smiling at him from down below. and right-side up.

Gemini struggles to find the words as his harness is lowered and unvelcro'd.

Gemini: i.........i.........i.........nervous. get nerves. when i'm around you i can't SPEAK. 

Siren using sign language: it's okay. you don't have to impress me by spinning wildly on an INSANE Sky Track race up there. i know you're in love with me, i can read lips, buster. have some Blistex for your blistered lips, pal.

Gemini: when i get the hives my lips chafe.

Siren: i've been reading your lips since i first laid eyes on you, Gemini.

Gemini sighs then signs relief to Siren.

Gemini smiling relievedly: oh yeah, i forgot. i am in love with you, Siren. you know, i just want to say that in case you can't hear me or something.

Siren smiling loudly: i'm in love with you, too, Gemini.

Gemini: i love when things work out in life...

Michael Jordan: if KAREEM ABDUL-JABBAR is having trouble walking, that is NOT a good sign for the rest of us!!!

prescribed burn: should be a proscribed burn.

CVS pharmacist: i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm not just a pill-counter. i am more. think second, think twice. you have an afternoon appointment with me today but i won't be there...

Boc: on the first rain the hobbit light flickers orange. it starts to flicker orange. you know the hobbit light, that tiny shrooms light that sprouts from the hanging oak.

MEP truck: anime truck in all '80s animes about futuristic highways...

Hilda from Lucky: i look FUCKING SEXY right now loading the cigarette packs behind the glass in the morning.

me: yeah you do!!! especially when you keep a soft pack of cigarettes in your bouncy back pocket.

Hilda: cigarettes after sex, darling?

me: before sex...

Sasha Grey and The Undertaker share an ice cream cone after the race.

Sasha Grey: BELIEVE ME the reason i sweat is WAY DIFFERENT from the reason YOU sweat...

The Undertaker: i like the way you lick that cone, girly.

Sasha Grey: what did you hope to accomplish here?

The Undertaker: i wanted to be an inspiration for kids, you know? they see me as a dead man who's still trying to have a life, and that's motivating for kids. NOT to end up like me. plus, the Sky Track looks like Heaven.

Sasha Grey: but since you DIDN'T WIN the race like me it's up to me to decide what to do. launching off your story, i've always wanted to do a film eulogy, you know, the obscure movies no one sees, kids love boring movies. i'm off to write an essay on German Expressionism, how stuff like Nosferatu was the start of the French New Wave...

at Pic-N-Save.

Ear Horn: so, did you follow my advice?

Gemini: sure did. i used those white bushy broccoli stems you picked out for me and presented them to Siren as a bouquet of flowers!!! she ate it up!!!

Ear Horn: dearie i wanted you to EAT that white broccoli, it's rich in iron and a milky witch ingredient that builds your bones into juicy morsels!!! but you know what? i'm happy for you, dearie. it all ended up the same for you: well.