BABY BOOM: NOT A WOODY ALLEN FILM

 

Jen R and i are riding one bicycle in the annual Strawberry Fields Forever Bike Ride near Carmel.

Jen R: wasn't that a good idea i had? to combine our two bicycles and make one chrome bicycle built for two.

me: who knew you had this much chrome in the trunk of your chrome Nissan Sentra. the bike bell in the front was a nice touch.

Jen R: they're like gold bars, nobody thinks to use them anymore. once i got Lance Armstrong to NOT help, the project went smoothly. i can build as long as i have the cool wafting of the lake breeze in my face. is this a day or what? high of 69. not much wheel traffic. tunes mostly from McCartney rather than Lennon. watch out for that first incline, it's a steep sonofabitch. please let there be real strawberries to eat at this festival, not those strawberry food models at the Lost In Translation Karaoke Bar in Tokyo, Japan.

me in he back: i'll provide the cream. why am i sweating buckets and you're not sweating at all?

Jen R: i'm a woman. are you enjoying the view back there? 

me: yes. the lake shimmers in the afternoon.

Jen R: no, my butt. how does my butt muscles look when they're pedaling?

Jen R: what's your go-to riding music? not a sex thing, a bicycle thing.

me: my favorite riding song? wait we can get music on this thing?

Jen R: sure, the handlebars are radio-station knob-turners, you knob. it's hard to hear the music when the wind starts howling upstream like this tho.

me: Daniel Johnston's "True Love Will Find You in the End," that's our song now.

Jen R: i like The Carpenters' "We've Only Just Begun," it has such a bittersweet quality to it. it's the perfect wedding song.

me: let that be our wedding song. you know, whenever we get married.........this could be in 5 years or next week...

Jen R: Karen Carpenter, that is one karen i'd never call the cops on.

Luke Russert: i need a pull-up bar in the WORST way.

Tai: i LOVE The Worst Witch!!! i didn't think anybody knew about The Worst Witch, everyone just stans J.K. Rowling.

Luke: that pull-up bar would be SUCH a good therapeutic for me, the BEST STRETCH for me and my muscles. know where i can find one?

Tai: my vibrator's long enough...

Luke Russert: can you help me?

Tai: i saw on TV there's a program that PAYS YOU TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!

Luke: i am so GRATEFUL that i'm fat!!!

Jacksonville Jaguars: living in London is loving life, La Liga is our new football.

Boc: walking clears your head.

Dirg: what if your head is already clear of stuff?

Tom Cruise: ...

Boc: i saw a BIG-ASS RIBBED TUBE connected on one end to a septic tank truck. the motor was humming like my frat hazing. frat haze, that is NOT an Autumn color. the septic sepsis smelled like my activator.

Gemini: it smelled like dead flowers.

Mr. T: that tube had a hole in it like George Bush's condom.

Takahashi: what was the other end connected to?

Boc: the big-ass spinning windmill at The Barnyard...

Gemini: why does everyone in Carmel stay in their cars?

Mr. T: because Carmel is one big parking lot.

Gemini: you gotta soothe out, man.

Alejandro: my hugs heal.

Doryce: i love how all the vibrators offered in my shopping catalog are from a company called Good Senior Living...

Madame Pons: you can't get a McDonald's book of matches anymore. what happened to the Bonzo Booklets?

Eye Luggage: Godfather's Pizza still has matchbooks, that makes sense.

Mardith: all McDonald's ovens are electric now, no more beef-tallow ovens.

Java City: a city in Indonesia that serves no coffee.

Simon & Garfunkel Bookends: this album has that Sgt. Pepper's vibe to it...

Gemini: i get naked for Bea Arthur.

Mr. T: we all do, blood, we all do.

Pati Jinich: que rico!!! aye these globitos are so LINDA!!! so cute!!! but why are the bizcochitos shaped like little cocks?

Nurse Ratched: don't you hate when the ice packs start to get all slimy?

Pati Jinich: cum on my tetas.

Luke Russert: it's like getting punched in the solar plexus.

Ripley from Alien: stretch your chest, Luke Russert.........no, not like that...

Charlotte: it's a spider sign...

Luke Russert: that cobweb is like my chest stretched out.

Ear Horn: we got hood milk stocked here in Pic N Save, dearie.

Gemini: that's not from Compton, that's from Lynnfield, Massachusetts...

Molly Qerim: yeah i need $1000 shoes.........the R13 Black Courtney Platform Sneakers...

Commissioners in Lunacy: it's not what you think...

Alex DeLarge: ...

Jake Tripper: life class, not learning to cook, learning to draw nudes.........i'm the nude model...

Mr. Furley: life drawings are so ALIVE!!! not like a bowl of fruit. right, Jack, a bowl of FRUIT?

Jack Tripper: i get it, man, stop, it's getting annoying. stick this pencil where the sun don't shine.

Mr. Furley: who would you rather see naked, me or Mr. Roper?

global warming: Harmattan Over Manhattan, it's coming...

Woody Allen: ...

Eye Luggage: Baby Boom and go.

Mr. T: PBS has the best movies.

Diane Keaton: i'm related to Buster Keaton, i dress just like him. don't think of me as an aloof unapproachable feminist coastal elite. i'm just the ordinary everywoman who lives on a Kansas milkfarm and never orders formula.

Dirg: i will admit, you are kind of hot when you don't wear glasses. you look like my aunt on a good day.

Diane: i mean back then in the day in the '80s, Hollywood thought Vermont was like the same as Idaho.

Keebler Elves: same state shape.

Linda Ellerbee: that's me doing the opening narration!!! very Working Girl, huh. why did Nickelodeon bring back Nick News without me?!!! that's like Diane Keaton without her safari hat. Diane Keaton and i are the same woman.

Mary Gross: i auditioned for the part of Mallory on Family Ties...

Michael Gross: that would have been gross.

Meredith Baxter-Birney: what happened to the kids today? back then we are all united culturally by the hippie dream. nothing unites us anymore, nothing weaves us, we're just waiting for the planet to lose its sky.

Diane Keaton: J.C. Wiatt, sounds like a man's name.........on purpose. the business world was BRUTAL back then. i'm Tiger Lady, but some days i'm soft like Hiawatha's cradleboard. other days i'm the Dragon Lady from The Cosby Show.

Diane: why do you have green stuff all over your face?

Harold Ramis: i'm auditioning for the part of Slimer on Ghostbusters. 

Diane: don't sell yourself short, babe.

Harold Ramis: this was the only time i was the handsome leading man in a movie...

Harold: wanna make love?

Diane: please let it last as long as this episode of Cheers we're watching.

Harold: it's gonna last exactly 4 minutes.

Grand Central Station: this is your baby now. you're an instant mother.

Diane: like that MTV show? that cousin of mine is REALLY LOST and long cos she's not related to me, that's Woody's side of the family...

Grand Central Station: okay fine, take these 3 gold ingots instead.

Laertus: the good news is THIS BABY IS CUTE!!! so yeah she's gonna be cute throughout the whole picture.

Eye Luggage: let's make a baby, babe.

Diane: see that first pic up top? this is THE ICONIC SCENE from this movie. the supermarket scale. ever since then i've had new moms come up to me at Pic N Save and tell me they weighed their child for the first time this way.

Luke Russert: weigh way. that's how my dad Tim Russert weighed me. back then i weighed the same as one carrot.

Tai: no way.

Laertus: did you cry?

Eye: i cried.

Dirg: i hate to admit it but i cried.

Laertus: everyone cried at that scene. when Diane LAST-SECOND makes the right decision and SNATCHES little Elizabeth from the grimy clutches of those creepy tent revivalists.

Prince: that shit don't go on in Minnesota, only lake baptisms.

Dirg: they were good people, just a little misguided. see he calls his wife Mother cos she's the mother of their kids...

Celine: I CLAPPED SO HARD I BROKE A TOOTH when i saw Diane carrying Elizabeth in swaddling clothes out of that adoption agency. 

Harold Ramis: i'm sorry.........but.........i can't. i can't do this. i can't be a daddy to this precious child. i like making money more than being a human being.

Diane Keaton: i understand, you bastard.

Eye: man that is COLD as fuck. would you just walk away from this beautiful little life and go back to work at the skyscraper bank? you'd start really PONDERING up there in your glass high-rise...

Diane: i'll give you my BLACK credit card if you take care of Elizabeth while i take this meeting.

Madonna: oh you mean unlimited, gotcha.

Diane: look, the real reason i want to stay here is this is a Good Earth restaurant, they'll only be around for a limited time!!!

James Spader: what happened?

Diane: i have lousy luck with men, you think you'll be better?

James Spader: i'm not a psychopath in this one, i'm just upwardly mobile.

FAO Schwarz.

Diane: i pay $1000 in toys here and all the toys suck. there's not one Nintendo or baseball bat in the cart, just a lot of large jack-in-the-boxes.

Teddy Ruxpin: lady, don't play my cassette tape backwards, you will have fucking NIGHTMARES.

Diane: what's the difference between Pampers and diapers?

Pampers: pampers are expensive, diapers are cloth...

Diane: so the account is a company called The Food Chain. why food tho? that seems random. see, it'll all make sense in the end, it'll all be convenient like a convenient store in the end...

mothers at the park.

mom 1: mine didn't get into Pre-K Academy on account of he couldn't paint Cezanne's famous Starfield painting.

mom 2: we got ours in because he already had a concussion from a household accident so he painted Van Gogh flowers and stars perfectly!!!

mom 3: we dipped into our daughter's college fund and used all of it to pay for her kindergarten art school. we ran out of money for the rest of her life so we were forced to send her to free public school.........which served her very well the rest of her life. 

Dirg: man this really is an '80s movie, the blatant making fun of Arab women wearing veils and all Russian women are Ivan Drago, now I want a baby in this time period!!!

Mardith: no woman will EVER conceive with you, Dirg, NEVER conceive a child with you, she'll see it as one less mouth to feed.

Dirg: progeny is for punks.

Victoria Jackson: better snatch me up while you still can, snap me up, i'll only be in New York City for a short time...

Diane: what are you doing?

Victoria: having sex with my boyfriend who's a naked street poet in your luxury double-decker tub.

Diane: get out. this is New York City, you can't have sex and have a job.

Diane: i know what i'll do, i'll move to the country, that's a novel idea no city folk have ever thought to do before!!! i'm a trailblazer!!! get a farmhouse, nice and quiet, life moves slow, maybe i'll meet a handsome country doctor.

Uncle Wiggily: all country docs are old men. they treat animals like me.

Diane: i'll have all the space i want, OPEN FIELDS TO DANCE!!! i'll invite my granddaughter Miley Cyrus to dance with me as we stomp on all the flowers with our sandals...

Diane: i don't care about the septic tank in this stupid farmhouse!!! 

Bernie Sanders in blue overalls: lady, have you heard of maple syrup? it powers a truck better than gas. we make our own tie-dye hippie ice cream here cos it snows every day. 

Diane: i'm a city gal!!! i need indoor plumbing and the toilet on the ceiling. i need AMECI PIZZA!!! fine the Manhattan Beach Ameci closed forever so i'll take the North Hollywood Ameci. I NEED SEX!!! like REAL SEX, you know? like someone EATING MY CUNT OUT.

Diane: i've been spilling my guts out to you and you're a VET?!!!

Sam Shepard: i hate war. my dad was a hippie. i was a hippie. look, lady, i told you, Mr. Ed was my father.

Sam Shepard: you have to understand how i am in the '80s. i'm the dangerous playwright, i'm Tennessee Williams but more like Johnny Depp. i am HIGHLY sought after. i'm that mysterious writer you're not quite sure of, i keep my emotions and allegiances beneath the surface, my motivation is to keep you guessing. you're not sure if you want to fight me or fuck me, scrap with me or sex with me.

Diane: so what do you teach in this quaint little snowy college, professor? 

Sam Shepard: Existentialism, clean atomic energy, greening New York City, a humane solution to the migrant crisis.

Diane: i thought one of your classes would be Do You Want To Build A Snowman. i'm not one of your doe-eyed 18-year-old students with the bleach-blonde hair and the boobs and the butt and the boots.

Sam: that was my daughter.

Diane: i know how to change a tire, you sexist pig. you know about pigs, doc.

Sam: okay how.

Diane: i call the Pep Boys, those tiny cartoon men are real, they're like the Smurfs.

Diane: the moment i looked into your eyes i knew i could stop chasing, you are Mr. Right.

Sam: how's that?

Diane: cos you're a doctor. and you make me uncomfortable. there is SO MUCH conditioner in your hair, that makes me uncomfortable.

Sam and Diane dancing.

Sam Shepard: careful, you almost gave Elizabeth away at bingo last night at this farmhouse. how do i compare with the other men you've dated?

Diane: i'm still coming off the afterglow of my The Godfather experience, that was a TRIP. i mean Al Pacino has a FACE, you know? he's got THAT FACE, THE FACE. but Woody Allen's face is sad, skittish, and squirmy. i'm worried about Woody. 

Diane: i have an idea: Country Baby, gourmet baby food. applesauce made with Alaska apples. fine, Maine apples. and California raisins. and FIJI water. 

Sam: and nougat from Texas. Gerber never went fancy? i find that hard to believe.

Benjamin Diskin: wanna compare dicks?

Chris Noth: what?

Benjamin: i'm auditioning for Sai in Naruto. all this snow is making my face WHITE AS SNOW.

Chris Noth: i'm Noth from the planet Hoth. get it? you're not a Star Wars nerd like me?

Diane: you should do Doctor Who.

Chris Noth: moonshine baby food is illegal to make in your backyard, i'm calling the cops.

Sarah Jessica Parker: you're fat.

Chris Noth biting his tongue: thank you.

SJP: that sweater doesn't hide your fat folds. you need to ride a REAL bicycle, Chris!!! through the snowy mountains of Vermont!!! NOT on a stationary bike in your city flat.

Chris Noth: fuck this place, i'm going back to NYC.

SJP: no you are NOT. you are not welcome there...

Sam: what's your dream? how are you liking living on the coast?

Diane: i was thinking i'd be this grandmother, you know? who wears funky clothes and walks on the beach all day reading paperbacks and throwing frisbees.

Elizabeth: gimme a break.

Ear Horn: go on dearie, go on Diane Keaton, this is your time, this is your spot, this is where you have your Mary Tyler Moore "You're Gonna Make It After All" moment!!!

James Spader: how do you like how i look? my profile against this backdrop of purple zigzags, i look like Zack Morris.

Gemini: i mean this bitch is crazy, right? she TURNS DOWN $10 MILLION?!!! you can have money AND a baby, lady!!! just work from home!!!

Janet Maslin: active mother, is that like Jamie Lee Curtis? 

Jamie Lee Curtis: women CAN have it all.

Janet Maslin: this is the first time in Hollywood history a movie is actually saying that COUNTRY LIFE IS BETTER THAN CITY LIFE!!!

Kate Jackson: and don't forget the TV show of this!!! it's hard to believe that THIS was the last time i was ever on TV!!!

Joy Behar: i was on the Baby Boom TV show, too. yes, me, your favorite The View co-host. how do you think i got that cushy The View gig?

Elizabeth: mommy, when i grow up, who will i be?

Diane Keaton: Carly Severn. g'night folks.

Carly Severn: i got a crush on Mr. Bean.