Luke Russert: guys i know you've set this up for me to cheer me up. but i dunno.
Lindy Lenz: come on, man, once you enter a new thing you'll feel good about your life again.
Luke: i only want to enter Tai.
Lindy, Luke, and i scramble atop the hill to get to the International Cereal Factory in Basel, Switzerland.
Roger Federer: Switcherland, Swiss BDSM. this used to be the site of the Lindt Chocolate Factory. all the chocolate is gone now.
in between two GIANT cobalt drums threshing and weighing the whey of the wheat, Luke falls asleep on a giant pillow of Shredded Wheat for his pillow.
Luke: i'm sleeping like the Three Stooges.
Tai: get up. do you want me to suck your willow?
Luke: isn't it good to sleep a lot?
Tai: not if you're lethargic all the time. don't you want to accompany me to the gift shoppe?
Luke: fine. but you owe me a blanket.
Tai: i don't weave. oh you mean a metaphorical blanket.
they get there and the only thing for sale at the chocolate shoppe is gum.
Luke: gum is good. packs of gum are what won the war.
Tai: gum will heal your chest, the constant chewing stretches and realigns your jaw and lungs.
Luke: no the thing that will help my chest is YOUR chest...
Jen and i are at the Encyclopedia Brown Library in Downtown Van Nuys.
Jen R: i love this part of town, all the asphalt streets are actually black!!!
me: and the library drive-thru.
Jen R: look out for a pulpy orange hardcover book with one of these in the inside flap, a pocket protector stuck on there with stucco tape. that's what holds not the Dewey Decimal System flashcard but the key.
me: hey do you librarian guys still charge late fees when a book has been overdrawn for 40 years?
Jen R: of course, how do you think i don't work? librarian ovarian...
me: my dad got the Hoyle Book for me at this historic library, this library taught me cards. now YOU are my dad, Jen.
Jen R with bug-eyes awkwardly sticks out her tongue in disgust.
Jen R: i'm getting ALL of your life projections onto me.
me: cos you're the only one here. cos you're the last one left.
Jen R: bingo. HUZZAH!!!
Jen finds the key in the book flap and inserts it into her electric bicycle. Jen proceeds to motor at 10mph the electric bicycle CLEAR ACROSS the hilly 4-way highway traffic stop with four big rigs in every direction ready to squish her.
me: this is RAD, ma'am!!!
Jen R: and i did that on the red light.
we end the day as always with a purple sunset and Fallout ice cream in a box.
Jen R: look at that Starbucks car over there, see? i hate that, she leaves her car running to get her precious Pink Drink. what an obscene display of fossil fuels. why didn't the world go electric when electricity was discovered?
me: Ben Franklin predicted Elon Musk would solve the problem...
Jen R: omg that's FUNNY, look at that windsailor surfer in the sky over there, it looked like he broke his arm but he was just holding a fanny pack...
huff paste: for bakers who sniff glue.
Gordon Ramsay: ...
pie bird: when you bake a pie, it's good, the customer returns it half-eaten, and you give the customer the middle finger.
Gordon Ramsay: *smiles*
stress spider: i'm a Veruca Salt twinstar. acetaminophen cures. i stop all pain with Muscle Tylenol. i'm sleeping where i want...
Boc: when an arctic blast hits your face, quickly shovel the cold air into your mouth like cum. then quickly look at the aquamarine teal Scooby van. finally, bless yourself by lightly rubbing the spider web growing under your mailbox, that's good luck, that's a spirit spider not a stress spider...
spider veins: sadder than varicose veins.
Melissa Maker: i'm voicing the new season of Space Dandy!!!
Michael Weiss: so since everyone on Instagram is a loner introvert, they post pics of their vacation alone instead of spending a holiday with SOMEONE and not bothering to post it to Instagram.........you know, like normal people...
Michael Weiss: instead of the God stuff, post the dissociation stuff...
Luke Russert: i can hold in my pee when i go to the grocery store...
Tai: there are stretching exercises for that, too...
Luke Russert doing the Tom Hardy "Bait" pose with his eyes: you see up there? see that woman on the roof holding a bottle of Chik-Fil-A Sauce? she's not gonna use that sauce for her chicken, she's gonna use that sauce for her sex...
Tai: it's too late, Luke, we can't EVER get back together...
Luke: there's a shortage of olive oil all over the world. the price of olive oil has TRIPLED all around the world. who should get the remaining olive oil? for love purposes. Giada de Laurentiis or Rachael Ray?...
Jen Carfagno: do you know what the dew point of olive oil is? i know...
Sabrina Ionescu: i'm her. i'm cute. you can't deny i'm cute. and i'm a rad person, i used to play grown men for Slurpee money, i saved my local neighborhood 7-Eleven from the demolition ball, that's the most civics thing you can do for your community...
tennis chair umpire: you can only get this job if you speak multiple languages...
Frank Fantasy: i do all that Conan the Barbarian art.
Dirg: ...
Frank Figliuzzi: it's me, i do all that art.
Dirg: i hate you so much...
Frank Frazetta: i have frizzy hair...
Jaclyn Dunn: where my entrance music? where my intro music? where my theme music? where's my cassette tape of Foghat's "Slow Ride"?...
Boc: well well well, so the Noodle Palace finally goes under!!! look i'm not here to gloat, but man there's just that feeling of wan helplessness you have when you WASTE an entire Saturday. their idea of a Vietnamese Sandwich was a piece of bread and a lemongrass pork in the shape of a Fruit Rollup.
Doryce: you gotta put quotes on that shit. at least make the Vietnamese meatballs with fennel. no egg roll should be $30.
Boc: so which of the two babes deserves the olive oil? Rachael or Giada?
Doryce: i don't trust a woman who only likes dogs...
Greykid: cat-familiar unity.
me: i'm jealous of Richard N. Goodwin...
Mardith: babe why you adopting the Wicks hairstyle?
Madame Pons: i own a wax soap and candle shoppe, right? so i figured this was the best way to weave the baskets for the shoppe...
Emma Lahana: there are no coincidences. my season of Power Rangers was filmed in Hawaii, in Lahaina. and my last name is Lahana. I will be the one to slay the Beast!!!.........the zord beast...
Eye Luggage: The Name of the Rose and go.
Umberto Eco: this was a.........nice movie.........just.........NICE. it passed over all the deep theological and philosophical conversations i had with my readers contained in the actual book i wrote but whatever. glossed over cos it couldn't be 5 hours long. Sean Connery blah blah blah.
Sean Connery: i chose this role to REALLY get out of my James Bond mold...
Minster: this is our time to shine, brothers. our domain. are we ready, brothers?
Cotard: YES.
Codrus: leave me out of this.
Umberto Eco: i'll just be over here playing bocce ball on the cobblestone. putting my spent cigarillo out on the hole in the bocce ball...
Laertus's grandpa: i used to have a BIG-ASS Umberto Eco white book that weighed 500 pounds, this thing was a massive TOME of a coffee-table book with LARGE letters of ECO emblazoned on the silver metal cover. spread on a glass living-room table at my folks' Palm Springs pad...
Christian Slater: my mom got me this job, okay?!!! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?!!!
Sean Connery: we make a weird pairing, i'm James Bond and you're some scrawny skateboard snot-nosed kid punk.
Christian Slater: we're two cool dudes.
the movie opens with the clanging of bells and the playing of the Enigma song "Sadeness..."
Adso: where do you come from, master?
William of Baskerville: all monks have pasts, young squire. take me for instance, i used to believe in a God called Zardoz. by comparison Jesus's God is pretty tame.
Adso: yeah but that Zardoz character was COOL-LOOKING in the sky like that!!!
William: he was a charming fellow. are you drinking your milk, boy? you look very very skinny.
Adso: yes, milk from Melk.
Minster: okay five minutes in and this already is WAY MORE ENTERTAINING than Into Great Silence...
Cotard: right? oh my god Into Great Silence was so FUCKING BORING!!! NOTHING HAPPENED FOR THREE HOURS!!! i mean you gotta enjoy yourself at the movies, you know?...
Rubikon: wait was that the same black monk in both movies?...
William: do you know how to add?
Adso: yes, i'm the only person in the entire WORLD with this knowledge. but only when i use an abacus. the Church has hoarded all the math books...
Adso: monastery murders? is this a common occurrence? is there a lot of killing at monasteries?
William: sure, just like there's a lot of monastery masturbation, all the monks polish their wicks each night after Vespers. elementary, my dear Adso.........get it? cos my last name is the Hound of the Baskervilles and everything.
Adso: copyright, can't do that.
Minster: where was this filmed? where's this monastery?
Jean-Jacques Annaud: all i know is there was a lot of everflowing beer there, it was a patsch...
Christian Slater: my old-man narrator voice sounds NOTHING like my voice...
Sean: in fairness NOBODY has YOUR voice...
Kim Rossi Stuart: Lucio Rossi is my ancient ancestor from the mafia...
Adso: OH MY GOD THERE ARE WOMEN AT THIS MONASTERY!!!
William: keep your pecker in your pants, Adso, act like you've been here before. what is this trapdoor that falls 30 feet into the moat?
Adso: i'm but a Medieval novice but i believe that's the bathroom. i've only been to a bathroom once...
Valentina Vargas: The Girl? really? i'm just The Girl?...
William: you're a feral girl...
Michael Lonsdale: i have this silly tonsore on my face but at least my name isn't Butt...
Minster: there's always a BLIND monk...
blind monk: spoilers...
monk: look at the Virgin Mary's tits, boy. it's just tits, don't be afraid of tits. it's okay if the tits of women, who are all inherently evil from birth, get holy-fied in some way like she takes a bath or something.
Adso: this place is creepy, let's leave. let's get the fuck out of here.
William: i find this place most stimulating. at least the monks here aren't pedos...
Adso: is this place misogynist? i heard the kitchen monk who chases dogs away call my girlfriend a bitch.
William: well it is the 1300s, so...
William: you work FAST, Adso!!!
William: a monastery is a place for men to hide from women, not for men to gain spiritual enlightenment. and for men to gather unto God when they quickly die...
William: i mean you gotta admit, this is a very CREATIVE way to get murdered. upside-down in the tin pail of goat blood in the straw stable, classic monastery.
Mendel: hey this is a cool place!!! look at all these medicinal herbs and plants in high shelves by this coroner's carving slab office. this is modern medicine in 1300!!! like if you have a headache there's no Tylenol but you can take this wort and you're back to praying in no time!!! i wish i had THIS setup back in the day at my candy shoppe. Babylon secret garden. CVS greenhouse. poultice pad.
coroner: yeah but there are no plants or flowers or mints or spices for a broken leg...
coroner: there are a lot of broken legs here, the monks have to walk up a lot of stairs...
at the scriveners' shoppe.
William: you like my Batou from Ghost in the Shell glasses? God WANTS us to laugh!!! St. Francis of Assisi had pets!!!
blind monk: no, God wants us to be serious at all times, even when we eat we should be reading a book so we don't enjoy our food too much.
William: oh you're just jealous you can't see...
moonfaced monk: hello, i'm Uncle Fester!!! i'm Pinhead without the pins!!!
Ron Perlman: i'm Salvatore. i'm a bit.........tweaked. like everyone thinks i'm on drugs but i'm not. i DO take drugs for the pain of my hunchback tho. wanna see my rock 'n' roll tongue? i shout an Italian Mafia word that means i'm an atheist.
William: penitenziagite is a word only Robert De Niro is allowed to speak.
Salvatore: Satan was misunderstood. the Ancient Romans were all Satanists, right?
Adso: yeah you track, you are Hellboy after all.
William: i'm an atheist, too. that whole Zardoz escapade really fucked me up, fucked up my chest...
Salvatore: no, SHE came into MY room...
The Girl: i mean Esmeralda is the most WITCH name there is!!!...
blind monk: in my defense, the only relationship i can ever have in here is with young able-bodied men who can see.........even if i'm not gay...
Annaud: okay this sex scene is gonna be HOT.
Valentina Vargas: monastery mammaries.
Annaud: i mean the real-life chances that there would be sex at a MONASTERY are infinitesimal.
Jen P: ...
Adso: this is weird for me cos Jesus was born in this same barn...
Annaud: this is what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna have Valentina here mount you and ride you but you have no idea how this scene will play out, we won't practice the scene, an Adso adlib. you're going in blind. get it? like a blind monk. now let's see how long you can last clutching her tits like Communion and spanking her butt with the Papal Sceptre. you can't cum as long as you're wearing your monk robe...
Christian Slater: i took silly fucking with this tonsure on my head...
The Pope: naw you're cute, honey...
Adso: master, how do you know if it's love and not lust?
Sean Connery: wrong person to ask about women, son. life without women is FREEDOM, it's EASY. but get yourself an easy woman, boy, and boy, life becomes.........FUN.
Adso: i want the best for her. i want her to have the best education. i want her to realize her dreams, live her dream life. i have tremendous respect for her. she says your dull beard would look handsome on me. i want us to split a Dole Whip at Disneyland. she's my Jen R.
Sean: yep you're in love. you are WHIPPED. speaking of whips, that self-flagellation monk is suspicious...
Doryce: finally we get to the monks who are into BDSM...
Doryce: this has nothing to do with demonic possession, it's just sex...
William Hickey: oh look at Sean Connery Monk, he always has to be right, he's so smart, so intellectual.
Sean: you're jealous i get to read all that Aristotle porn.
Hickey: phooey. Poetics? more Ike Pornogics.
Sean: at least you're not as creepy as your character in that Outer Limits episode "White Light Fever..."
Hickey: i was worried about lightning strikes there, too...
Hickey in wheelbarrow: i feel sorry for your apprentice. my foot smells like cheese. mortify your intellect, beat your brain, don't obsess about all those juicy paperbacks from Greece, the forbidden Classics. only worry about the fact that Christ's side is bleeding RIGHT NOW for your sins, that man is WOUNDED for you...
Sean: sure if you believe in that sort of thing, you bitchman. it's the Dark Ages, man, live a little. you gotta loosen up, loosen that TIGHT tonsure on your head, it's tighter than your arsehole.
William: oh finally, Monty Python from the Inquisition has arrived in the Coachman from Pinocchio's stagecoach.
F. Murray Abraham: hello, dear, i'm in the Salieri role again.
Sean Connery: imagine me playing Mozart with my Scottish accent...
F: i come from Rome the seat of ALL Earthly human knowledge. next time send a fax, it's faster. okay so our first Model U.N. debate will be: what if every single nation joined the U.N.?...
The Girl: i like black cock.........black cockerel...
F: i'm Bernardo Gui. Gui Guy. the Cardinals' outfits were designed by Elton John. i am ready to render my judgment. BURNED AT THE STAKE!!! but you will be able to pray to Jesus RIGHT BEFORE you start burning...
Coachman: you and i die the same way, with a wagon-flip off a cliff...
William: do you smell that, Adso?.........it smells like barbecue.........BBQ chicken...
Adso: but what of the blackened fingers, my lord?
Williams: fingerprints. i appreciate you putting us inside the mind game of a maze to see if we can figure out how to get out, i love a good brainbending escape room, i love a good Catholic party game, but did you have to toss the Minotaur in there with us?...
William: nonsense, Robin Williams still feared his Devil: cocaine...
Jen R: i can appreciate a good secret library. but that's diabolical!!! dipping their fingers in poison ink to prevent them from turning the pages of the books with the dangerous knowledge? that's NOT finger-lickin' good. let's all go back to Gnosticism, take a breath, and just relax...
William: Adso, do you smell that? is that barbecue ribs?
Adso: that's your books going up in castle flames, master!!!
Adso: how did you solve the case of the Benedictine illuminator, master?
William: easy, it was Sergio Aragones. monks can't commit suicide, it's against their religion.
Adso: wait so did those two burn at the stake or didn't they?
William: there's a lot of fog and mist around those two empty stakes.........or it could be smoke...
the duo are stopped along the horse trail riding off into the sunset home on their donkeys the same way they came into town...
The Girl stops Adso's ride. like Jesus rode into Bethlehem as an adult...
she takes his hand.
The Girl: please, Adso, have a normal life with me. go from monk to marriage. marry me. you know, fun. kids and stuff. working as a scuba-diver. peanut-butter sandwiches. refrigerator art.
Adso: sorry, i'm staying with my master, i'll have a better life if i stay with Sean Connery. i'll be smarter for one thing.
Sean Connery: DAMN, dude, that is COLD. poor woman, you can't treat women like that!!! don't be an Asso, Adso. you said you felt cold earlier but THIS is COLD!!! you don't need me, you can just read the books!!! that was the roughest rejection i've ever witnessed in my life...
Mardith: i feel so bad for that woman The Girl getting shafted like that, she just wants to escape her hopeless dead-end life and live a life of hopeful opportunity with this sensitive young man.........that woman is EVERY woman...
Adso: master, whatever became of you?
Sean Connery: no one knows.........you made the FUCKING WRONG DECISION, Adso!!! you should have chosen the WOMAN!!! g'night folks.
Juliet: get it now, dunderhead? the title, the name of the rose in this is the name of the woman, The Girl. a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. see we hold onto names of things but you only have the name for a short time. it doesn't matter what the woman's name is, only that she was a woman. she is essence. this isn't a story about two monks, it's a story about a mysterious nameless woman...
Romeo: period of time, woman, oh yeah i got it now, i'm not that smart...
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