notes:
* River Phoenix: if i had lived, if i had become a middle-aged man, i would have been Bruce Timm.
* Martha Plimpton: hey look at the two of us on the Oscars red carpet up there!!! there's a thick bright spiritual aura glow emanating from the both of us.
River Phoenix: we were a holy couple...
* stress cold, stress flu: not a cold, not a flu.
* aches: not from old age.
* Mark Christensen is watching Mr. Bean with my dad in Mark's small apartment in Rochester, New York. as the intro theme song plays, Mark gets up on the dais in the middle of his room.
Mark Christensen: i'm really FEELING FEELING FEELING this classical music.
my dad: all Gregorian chants haunt the soul and portend doom. Minster taught me that.
Mark: i learned this from watching you, my best friend in life. i close my eyes as the Mr. Bean song is playing, i have my hand ever so SLOWLY SLOWLY SLOWLY wave in syncopation capturing EACH AND EVERY UNDULATION of each beat, tone, and pause of this operatic masterpiece.
Mardith Christensen: my dad be crazy.
Mr. Bean: can i talk now?
* Mr. Bean: there is nothing more dank than daytime TV.
* Madame Pons: save all those red circular Babybel cheese shells, i use those to make candles.
Mardith: those mini-wheels of cheese are so CUTE!!! i only eat cheese fermented from bath cream.
* Dana Tan: you never find out how i'm doing. what my condition is. at the end of Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker which is the series finale, i'm just there in that hospital.........forever...
* Lucio Rossi: i finally know why spam calls are so evil: they ring 4 times.
* Lucio Rossi: call me Italien, i don't care. Fox Mulder is Italian. his great-great-great gangster grandpa was a papa nostra in the Italian Mafia in Sicily. makes sense, right? Mulder has that air about him that he's in an enforcement cartel, except he's in a cartel of one.
* Dirg: wait, why did all the youtube comments suddenly turn into Cyrillic Russian? Cyrillic comments. i knew it.
* Taylor Swift: guess who'll be in the stands at the Jets game this weekend.........yep, Aaron Rodgers.
* Morgan Bolling: the secret ingredient in El Pollo Loco chicken is.........pineapple juice.
Leslie Sbrocco: who knew El Pollo Loco is just a California thing? i thought it was all over the country. i thought it was all over the world.
Y Tu Mama Tambien: if you quint during the final scene, you'll see an El Pollo Loco in Mexico...
* Boc: there are two safety deposit boxes, both of them wide open, one with the key sticking in the lock, since last week, they've been open all week, night and day.
Al Gore: two lockboxes.
* Lowly Worm: if i miss leg day, that's bad for my overall health...
* Ear Horn at her kettle: organ meats, rich in iron.
* Cristiano Ronaldo: James Harden, that is one large man.
* Alcaraz: my name.........is Carlitos Nadal.
* on the lost episode of Arrested Development:
Sean Hayes: it's okay to steal this little boy's birthday wish.
Jason Bateman: yeah, he'll grow up to write a song about it called "To Forgive".
* No. 7: you'll still have wrinkles after using our miracle face cream, we can't promise you a facelift, but your face WILL start speaking in a British accent which makes ANYONE seem younger.
* Common: but is the new Titanium iPhone also an electric shaver? if not then what am i doing here?
* Lily from AT&T: so the only clothes i will ever wear for the rest of my life will be in this shade of BLUE?
Keegan-Michael Key: there is no reason why i'm in this commercial.
* BREZTRI.
man: my coffee mug says Hard To Breathe on the back and World's Best Breztri on the front.
son: they ran out of Dad mugs. all went out to that Progressive doctor.
man: check first to see if it's NOT COPD. like, it could just be a lot of stress in your chest. save the flare-ups for when you've been abandoned at sea in your rowboat with your son and your gun has run out of signal fires.
* Jennifer Garner: i opened up my own organic country farmer's market. like that movie Baby Boom. like that ABC show Once Upon A Time. i finally have enough money to buy that Keurig coffeemaker that's the size of a bouncy castle.
* Target: this year, instead of getting a pumpkin, get a quilted pumpkin your nana knitted. you can only have ONE pumpkin-spice-latte thing, and yes, that one thing can only be the Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino. why is a can of beans $40? did it come from Britain?
Jen R: you said you wanted to live on a genuine classic NYC brownstone stoop...
* wife: let's do the replay of our sunroof argument.
husband: fine i did it. i said it. in lieu of a sunroof i decided to build a rainfall showerhead.
* HAL from 2001: A Space Odyssey: AI is great. i was the first AI and i turned out great. small businesses need AI or they won't become great businesses. IBM Watson is a little bitch.
* Ford: we're not all related. we don't share an ancestry. i mean we're all humans but the point is we all have the TOUGH GENE. except my grandma. and Gilbert Gottfried. and Bill Nye the Science Guy and his twin Bill Gates. and Travis Kelce. and all those who went to college and didn't join a frat.
Henry Louis Gates, Jr.: ...
* FanDuel: life is short. the NFL is short. the NFL used to be 12 weeks. it was played in 3 months during the summer. nobody bet back then. people in Buffalo are so invested in football they FORGET that it's cold.
happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: i switched to GrubHub because GrubHub has McDonald's delivery. McDelivery. but after i signed up it said "Location too far"...
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