it's Saturday morning. in the Autumn. Fall has broken. it's early, 4AM and Eye Luggage and Laertus can't sleep. but they love that they can't sleep. because they're in one bed together awake and alive and aware of each other, looking at each other, hugging each other high and tight, spooning so hard there's no fork in the road.
Laertus: your bed is so soft. like a jungle canopy.
Eye Luggage: babe, listen. hear that? what's the one word you're thinking of right now?
Laertus: quiet. it's so QUIET here.
Eye: right now. but 7AM the heartbreaking noise pollution comes in like the tide. the neighing of the neighborhood. Gilmore St. becomes garrulous.
Laertus: i can't see a thing, the fog that rolled in at midnight is so thick it slaps me across the face with a wet wave.
Eye: see these two pine trees in front of us like 2001: A Space Odyssey?
Laertus: yeah. they represent the two of us, right? two foam coffee cups, one beige blind. a forest of stripped gothy bare-bark spindle pencil trees outside our window. can i give you a kiss? on the mouth?
Eye: sure. we've had sex so it's no big deal anymore. but a bit of a warning, i have sandwich breath.
Laertus: i welcome it cos i'm hungry. what's for lunch?
there are two brown sacks joined as one at the bottom of the bed.
Eye: mortadella, the gothiest of meats. the foot of my bed is for foot fetishists.
Laertus: remember when we were kids at St. Cyril's and our moms would each cook us competing meatloaf sandwiches?
Eye: mine would always have ketchup on it, yours would always never have ketchup on it. this all seems like destiny, huh? delicious destiny. what does our tight embrace remind you of?Laertus: the ending of My Life as a Dog, two poor wild feral children, two kids, a boy and a girl, street urchins in Europe, against the cruel cold unrelenting world of dead adult hopelessness.
Eye: those two squirts have only each other to hold onto, to hug, to shield and protect themselves from a senseless world that doesn't give two shits about them, so THEY have to be THEIR two. two babies, two babes, searching for safety, longing for love, when all they've ever known is hate.
Laertus: that is so goth. let's not move from this spot. ever.
Eye: yeah. who needs to go to work? who needs cars? we have wings.
Gladyce: Fall starts at midnight tonight, dear.
Doryce: that's perfect, dear, tonight AT NIGHT is when WE celebrate Halloween. we sacrifice.........our diets for candy and sugar and cookie starch and fat and bake butter and batter.
Minster: hey you crones need a crone Minster...
JFK: i mean i AM Jesus Christ, that part's true, that part's obvious...
Salinas farmworker: my dream wasn't to become an astronaut, my dream was to ACT in the movie about my life as an astronaut...
200-year-old man: why is it suspicious to be out there at 4AM? i work at the Bagel Bakery...
CVS: when we schedule your covid/flu combo for you, it's like a bad date...
Boc: oh my god did you see the tiny tiny tiny crows on my walk today? i got up so close i saw their tiny tiny tiny gold circles for eyes...
crows: silver at night...
Peyton Manning: the Kelce Brothers will NEVER be us.
Eli Manning: yeah. we're huggable, lovable, squeezable teddy bears.
Caleb Williams: why do you have an inflatable swimming pool in your room? is this for the gator?
Tim Tebow: it's for me. this pool is my bed. this is how i sleep. like Jesus's date with John the Baptist...
Kyle Alice: yeah, that's not a suspicious name...
Shasta people: we cooked the first soda but we didn't particularly care for it...
Better Homes & Gardens: we keep our magazine in the mail to you in a strong plastic wrapper to keep the riffraff out...
The Pirates of Dark Water: adult Peter Pan...
Tai: why does IcyHot smell like mint chocolate chip?...
Luke Russert: just don't put IcyHot on your balls, eyebrows, eyelashes, or lips, i learned that the hard way. it's okay to put IcyHot in your armpits, it's a better underarm deodorant anyway...
Cypress Fire: don't bother us when we're on the hill, we're tailgating college football. if there's a fire call the cops.
Cypress Hill: call us, we'll put out the fire with our smoke...
Boc with a white butterfly dancing on his head: Hilda's holes. that's why i walk.
Dirg: that's why you wank?
Boc: i walk to Lucky for Hilda's donutholes in the morning...
me: it's not "the universe" that heals my chest, it's my dad and Mr. Little up there. i manifest humans, not supernatural beings.
Mardith: i need my chest healed, too.
Dirg: pray to Jesus that your chest gets bigger...
Mardith: the Christ Chest?
Tai: if you keep your chest snug it'll heal.
Luke Russert: please demonstrate this with your chest. don't you do that trick where you squeeze your tits to take the stress out of them?
Mardith: the Elvira tit-squeeze, i know thee well...
Tai: classic. not MY chest, dunderhead, YOUR Medieval tunic!!!
automotive city: not necessarily Detroit...
annulus: not anus.
Doryce: it is in my world, dear.
Miami's 70 against Denver NFL highlights: a Dalek announced this...
Boc: never say goodbye to the birds on your morning walk, say good morning...
Boc: oh to be 7-years-old and young again, a tyke with not a physical ailment in the world, no neck cricks, jumping around, playing, carrying on top of his head a pink box of donuts from Bagel Bakery before school...
Boc: i saw a thick black inky broken Bic pen on my walk this morning, that's a sign, right?...
Ear Horn is downstairs from the bedroom quietly preparing breakfast in her LARGE kettle that's three times the size of her. which is a normal-sized kettle.
Ear Horn breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience: as you can smell, dearies, this is my street-famous breakfast soup: milky broth, carrot sticks, potato wedges, tomato slices, chunks of goatmeat, and the twinkle in my eye is the salt pepper and spice to taste. i use this wood spatula here with the forked tines to break up the cobwebs in the bat bisque. i use this kettle grill here my good crone chums Doryce and Gladyce gave me for my divorce anniversary to lightly burn the batwings.
Batman: ...
Batman: i can't swim, throw Robin in.
Ear: and i finish the goth goulash by sliding it like Hansel and Gretel into this AGA cooker here. what a regal rangetop!!! brand new and silver shiny, this was my sex gift for my daughter Eye Luggage and her paramour beau Laertus. it has a water nozzle to spray your face in case it gets too hot in the kitchen!!! the Swedes were the first Goths in real life...
the grey landline phone glued to the yellow zigzagged brown-line wallpaper rings.
Ear Horn: I'M COOKING!!! DON'T DISTURB ME!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?!!!
it's Mama from Mama's Family.
Mama: it's your dime, spill it!!!
Ear: YOU called ME!!!
Mama: oh yeah i forget, this is the '80s, collect calls are still a thing.
Ear: they're big business and booming.
Mama: you saw the thing i left you in the cupboard WAY above your head?
Ear: i know i know. i'm keeping your Little Golden Books cookbook...
Mama: so are we gonna team up or what? you need a partner again, right?
Ear: yeah just call me Itachi.
Mama: it's FINALLY the time in the season where sunsets are at 7, it's the witching hour. we crones gotta put a Pepsodent step in our giddyup or i'll tell you another joke about my girdle...
Ear Horn puts her bony crone finger up to her wrinkled lips.
Ear: shhhh, dearies, don't tell Eye and Laertus upstairs about this. this is my second surprise for them, in the cupboard is an ULTRA-RARE VHS tape of the ONLY production of when they decided to do ONE episode of Live-Action The World of Richard Scarry due to the overwhelming popularity of the Saturday-morning cartoon show with the Richard Scarry characters that could only be viewed by watching Sesame Street. Sean Penn played the Worm Car with the tiny German hat and lederhosen suspenders and Robert De Niro played his apple.
2 comments:
Fall has broken. That’s very clever, that.
A Wet Wave. I like that. What do you think a dry wave would be like?
Mayonnaise or mustard on sandwiches. Thank you.
Inflatable pools in bedrooms are the new water bed.
If you say goodbye to the birds they fly away like Peter and Paul. What happens to all the dead birds?
Inky Bic pens are collected by inkers as they are brilliant for certain inky techniques. If you and one - sell it on eBay.
I asked a chef what his favourite meal was yesterday and he said goat curry. Never had a goat curry before. *)
doesn't it just set the mood, mah dahlin?
a dry wave is not fucking for, like, three years.
noted. and sandwich salad cream of course.
much cheaper waterbeds, i must look into them, my chest is so full of stress i need a nozzle full of sauna.
the dead birds reincarnate back into Alfred Hitchcock.
inky Bic pens are perfect for cheap homemade do-it-yourself tattoos on your back...
we must have goat curry together, my sweet, we'll eat it with Golden State Warrior Steph Curry.
love you
*)
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