Ear Horn: come on in to my bedroom, sonny, i'll fix ya right up.
Eye Luggage: it's okay, mom won't try anything.
Ear: don't be shy, i don't bite.
Eye: well she does but she promised me she wouldn't turn into a shewolf THIS time in front of you.
Laertus: oh hello. i see Mardith and Madame Pons are also in this tiny layered room. how are you two? i see both of you are holding a tarot card by your vagina.
Madame Pons: we're just here for a consultation, love. i'm here for clairsentience lessons.
Mardith: and i'm here for anthroposophy lessons.
Ear: don't worry, sonny, i'll have your wax out of your ears and hearing in no time. you seem trepidatious.
Laertus: it's just that all these wires in your room, all the dental cranes and the audio/visual equipment, all go back and attach to a giant boombox...
Ear: i'm a medical doctor, you know. a doctor of the dark arts. now lie back on this Little Mermaid bed, stick this dog Cone of Shame in your earhole, and stick this large big-ass candle in your ear hole. and RELAX. then i LIGHT this sucker with my teeth into a magic black flame and you let my magic do its thing!!!
Laertus: how long must i crank my sore neck in this position?
Ear: two days tops.
Peg Hasty: *knock knock* hello, ma'am.
Ear: why hello, dearie!!! you're early!!! you're Peg Hasty, right?
Eye: very good, mom!!!
Ear: you don't believe me but i know your friends, Eye. i've memorized each and every one of them. all 23 of them.
Eye: 22.
Ear: you're the goth mall friend who enjoys.........pumpkin spice. so you're LOVING this time NOW.
Peg Hasty: isn't that what living in the PRESENT is all about? Pumpkin Spice Season is upon us, girls!!! i'm not like your typical white girl or anything, i only partake of the pumpkin spice by snorting it like cocaine up my nostril through a cinnamon stick.
Peg Hasty: did you get my phone call? i even did the whole Ben Shelton hang-up-phone-hard thing with my hands.
Ear Horn: why no, dearie, there's no phone in this house...
Ear: how you doing, babe?
Laertus: thanks mom but no i don't feel good. it hurts and my ear hole is all clogged up with my earwax and YOUR candle wax, i can't tell which wax is which, it's all just one big wax glob ball swimming down my ear canal...
Ear: how'd you like Dark Turkey at the mall?
Laertus: beautiful. beguilingly dark. i'm more partial to the birria than the turkey...
Ear: in order for the spell to work you have to NOW eat this paper cup of cabrito, kid.
Suzy Lu: i'm thinking of changing my name to Shenna Lu, that's a graceful gracious grateful name. i need to show i'm being more grateful to the fans...
John Nash: wait i got it!!! eureka!!!.........bisquared, bis-squared, not math, biscuits...
Clark Backo: okay i GOTTA be the only woman who has EVER had the name Clark...
Holt Hanley: my favorite food is.........Jack in the Box...
slipstream: not the Formula 1 thing, the Billy Corgan lyric...
Smashing Pumpkins: our F1 car is orange.
Eat My Gamecock?.........this is why i hate college football...
Metamucil: drink 2 of our beige grain pills and you'll IMMEDIATELY be able to ballroom-dance...
a man wearing a backpack on an electric bicycle that sounds like a motorcycle: definitely a grad student...
carpet slipper: Doryce on Thursdays...
Duracell: official battery of the U.S Open.........for all your dildo, Walkman, and drone air-conditioning fan needs...
the Energizer Bunny: boys don't need batteries...
Roger Federer: not true, i place batteries in my tennis balls just in case...
Bill Belichick: ...
Bill Belichick: what happened to you after you retired, Roger? did you start huffing paint and watch one too many Inspector Gadget cartoons?...
Paul Dini: i wrote EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY-MORNING CARTOON in the '80s...
Paul Dini: i have that hefty fat frame of a body, too, you know? i look like what i did is i sat down at a desk and wrote a LOT of stuff, man, a lot of shit, for some crazy series. i look like i write soap operas daily...
Jim Beam singing "Sweet Caroline": people are good for you.........don't drink our bottle alone...
Kate Bush: no i'm not Kate Bish. Babooshka? more like Babushka...
Eye Luggage: how you doing, babe?
Laertus: is it still going on? i don't know where i am. who am i? will my neck ever crick up to the upright position again?...
Ear: almost done.........the process is almost done.........what's one more day in the face of health...
Eye: mom was a health goth before that was a thing...
Laertus: i'm worried about your two-story house of grandeur, ma'am, don't leave open flames in the house, we have hurricanes in California now. i need a chiropractor after this. i got a crink. a crink that feels like crack.
Eye: fear not, honey, there are PLENTY of hot female chiropractors around here. they're all yoga teachers and practitioners.
Ear: they're all honeys, wink wink nudge nudge.
when Ear Horn wink-wink-nudge-nudges, she pokes Laertus in his ear and teeth with her sharp elbows.
Ear Horn: and.........we're done.........that was a FUCK TON of earwax i collected from your ear hole just there, sonny. thank you for your contribution to the environment. i will use this MOUND of your greasy oily smelly chocolate-brown earwax to mold into a concentric short stubby flat cylindrical like my body shape chocolate candle that i will then sell to LUSH. i shall dub thee Choco-Latte.
Madame Pons crying and pointing to Ear Horn's nose with her long spindly finger: THIS woman, i love THIS woman.
Ear Horn: oh i forgot to ask, sonny, can you hear again?
Laertus: YES I FUCKING CAN!!! FINALLY!!! i mean SHIT that took 5 months!!! that was five months of torture being deaf and seasonably deaf. i'll never take my sound for granted again. i shall LOVE hearing a pin drop. sign me up for the course taught by Helen Keller at House of Anubis.
Laertus, coming down: you know when you speak of magic, mom Ms. Ear Horn, i harken back to the times when me and your daughter watched cartoons secretly in her room on VHS tapes instead of having sex.
Ear Horn: i am disappointed. in the both of you.
Laertus: one show in particular, Fraggle Rock. all i'll say is this: watch the LAST EPISODE of Fraggle Rock, i've never seen such a tearful heartwrought examination and Jim Henson treatise on life and magic. you NEED to hold onto magic in life or you're fucked.
Eye Luggage: Fraggle Rock, Jim Henson at the peak of his powers.
Laertus: i just want to say to you Ms. Ear Horn.........I LOVE YOUR DAUGHTER!!!
Ear: you don't have to shout, sonny, I'M not the one who can't hear.
Eye: that was very romantic of you, honey, very romantic rooftops there.
Ear: how are you feeling? how are YOU feeling? how are ALL my children feeling?...
Ear Horn looking at her tiny stove clock from 1910: 10 o'clock. it's always at 10AM. 10 in the morning is when folk start really getting fed up and aggressively start to take care of their sickness. they always take their first two pills at 10AM...
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