notes:
* me: Harvard-Westlake, i almost got into that prestigious Los Angeles high school.
Jen P: what happened? you could have been hobnobbing with the Hollywood stars. you coulda had Jon Lovitz as your crew coxswain!!!
me: as always, i was smart enough but i was dirt poor.
Julia Ioffe: i went to Princeton-Westlake high school. they taught me how to catburgle.
Laertus's grandpa: i tried to get you in, son, but when i set foot on campus they threw me in school jail and forced me to eat Frosted Flakes with redberries...
* crimson: cinnamon...
* Boc: the seagulls, people say they squawk or cry or bellow or wail, i say they burp...
* Boc: walking really is the greatest. it's low-impact as fuck. it's the most low-impact exercise thing you can do. you can get injured doing jumping jacks but you can't get injured walking. NEVER jog or run, that's insane!!!
* Michael Weiss: if you truly don't care, why are you on Instagram?...
* cladding: the wood-panel-walled bedroom you watch Clannad in...
* General Patton: i've summarily dismissed my own mother many a time.
* Cathy Weseluck: i have the creepiest child voice of all time...
* Judge Reinhold: it's just awkward, you know? when i go to Hollywood parties and see Phoebe Cates there. i'm there all spiffed out in my black tux, Phoebe's in her red floor dress, we look at each other, and all we can think of is that scene where i'm masturbating to her...
Phoebe Cates: girls lust, too...
* Judge Harold T. Stone: i'm not related to Judge Reinhold in any form or fashion...
* imagine if Jerry Brown had been President...
* Stephen A. Smith: i'm not a tyrant on set. a tyrant is like Mr. Hand in the classroom...
* Boc: everyone at Lucky is late for school...
* Dr. Rockzo: it's not cocaine, it's God's sugar.
Minster: only through cocaine can a monk ever hope to become the Dalai Lama...
* that car in the Pink Floyd "High Hopes" music video: it's a Volvo...
* Kate Winslet: I LOVE BEING NAKED!!!
* balloon arch: Joe Pera will take anything at this point...
* Lindy Lenz: fancy bumping into you here, Luke!!! you never go to Ralph's. you're never here at Ralph's. trying a new grocery store?
Luke Russert: no i'm getting the new covid vaccine...
* Neil deGrasse Tyson: no it's K2-18, not NBA 2K18, i never played video games at school like the other kids, i was too busy physicsing. Hycean, lots of water for swimming, Raging Waters, and humans. and yes, hyenas.
Fox Mulder: can you imagine if there really is another water planet out there? aliens don't drink water, right?
Neil deGrasse Tyson: no but they bathe in it.
* that little niggle in your nose: your nose is ticklish from stress.
* Jen R: on my leaf-sweep rounds today.........tiny grape branches...
* Boc: i see ghost dogs wherever i go.........they're after my stress chess, my stress skeleton...
* Davis Cup: the World Cup of tennis...
* Jen R: you gotta BUILD a life of your own.........like Anderson Cooper...
me: wanna have kids?
* Lizzo: Alba Baptista? fuck that bitch. once Chris Evans gets baptized in MY bathwater he ain't NEVER going back to convert to another religion.
* Demi Lovato: yeah i hang out at a '50s Art Deco fireplace room in Palm Springs. by the jukebox with Jutes my boyfriend. what's a hurricane? is that like a dragon or something?
Jutes: hey where's Jena Friedman? she doesn't do Instagram anymore.
Demi: ready for tonight with Abe Vigoda?...
* Cruella de Vil: check out my last name: it spells devil. i dogwalk for Liberty Mutual for supplemental income...
* Ryan Fitzpatrick: wait i could never get away with a cool nickname like Run CMC. they only gave me dorky nicknames.
* Walgreens: get your shot, your Metamucil shakes, and your online job application...
* NFL: IT'S FASHION SEASON!!!
* Hyundai Kona: welcome back to the commute. but it's not really the commute cos the car does all the driving. we can't criticize Elon Musk...
* Visa: omg remember our old-skool blue-white-and-saffron credit cards back in the day?
The Neverending Story: yes.
man to woman on couch: will you marry me? i got Flock of Seagulls hair.
woman: the answer depends on if the Bills make this field goal...
man: and of course our son looks like Ralphie from A Christmas Story.
* Jerry Rice: watch the NFL on their own network. hey does your kid have those special shoes i need to wear so i can walk again? the ones with cushions made of clouds, arches made by McDonald's, and an invisible shoehorn?...
* Progressive Replay.
mom: where's that bus?
daughter: my mommy said your mommy sucks. your mommy talks too much.
mom: i never said that.
other mom: i was gonna say you have a big butt.
mom: thank you.........where's that bus?...
* Jamie Foxx: wouldn't i have been good in La La Land?...
* at the GEICO airport.
screener: enjoy your vacation.
man: you, too.
screener: does it look like i'm going on vacation, sir?
man: yes, you're my new wife and we're going to a uniformed brunch at a bungalow owned by George Lucas and Bill Gates in Simi Valley. that's not a wand, that's a lightsaber.
man: my, um, ex-wife has too much hairspray.
screener: no such thing, sir, they changed the rules. now everyone who wants to board an airplane to fly has to shave their head.
Gallagher: AND he's not wearing any socks, get a grip, man.
man: no i'm going to Burning Man. i'm surprised at you, Gallagher...
* John Lennon: build submarines so strong they can hold the likes of Sean Connery...
Sean Connery: you dirty hippie.
happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: do you think DoorDash would mind if i switch credit cards mid-order?...
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