Laertus: i'm nervous.
Ear Horn: no need to be nervous, sonny, it's just sex.
Laertus: i know but it's weird when your mother-in-law is the one who arranges it. with her daughter, my girlfriend. and me.
Ear: we're all family here. this is a very special occasion, more special than a wedding ceremony. it all has to run right and be genuine and greasy. and when you two lovebirds are done fucking look out for my special postcoital sex gift i got for you you couple will receive from me at the doorstep.
Eye Luggage: i've been to the bothy where you and i are gonna do it, babe. it's so goth, the fields are burnt-wheat like Hound of the Baskervilles, the skies and skyclouds are grey like the stone brick bothy, and there is but the one door...
Ear: check the lock on that door carefully. or rather the black hole where the lock should be...
Ear: your mall friends have gathered such splendid variety of a basket of goth flowers to extract spell liquids, the sex should be blessed by witch prayers, the bed should be built on witch blessings. the exotic extractions turn erotic when we're talking about potent plants: crystal petals, forest flowers, glass plants, prickly grass, violent amaryllis, sex sargassum, and the coitus chrysanthemum, don't let that orange powder get up your nose, you'll go nose-blind.
Eye: and don't forget the perry, mother has personally carved these two mini wood pitchers holding our perry. we'll drink the perry together in a ceremony before we ramrod each other. perry is pear wine, it pairs well.
Laertus: that's not platypus pee, right?
Ear: it does taste like platypus pee, yes. i remember when i drank perry right before i fucked your father. tasted bad, tasted sour, like your father. i don't remember anything after that, the sex nor the marriage to your father. yeah perry is definitely NOT grape wine...
Eye: mom, i definitely DON'T want the other mall friend goth girls watching us through the two windows. this is a an intimate act between TWO people.
Ear: fine. sigh, you're no fun, daughter.
Tai at yoga: i'm gonna put a KAP in your ass...
Mardith at yoga: ...
Luffy: give me my brother back and i'll become a vegetarian...
Michael Weiss: what's the point of talking to anybody?...
Richard Roeper: Fast Times at Ridgemont High, the most INTIMATE teen high-school movie of all time...
Gladyce: dear i need you to rub Ben-Gay all over my body.
Doryce: i'm gay for you, dear. sure i'll do it, i'll marinate you in Ben-Gay. but it's more fun to self-massage...
Boc: i see all this gang graffiti on poles on my walk. you know what? i'm gonna join this walk gang...
Greykid: Chum the cat is lost but he will be found...
100-year-old man wearing a green Droids shirt under his beige-white-and-black-checkered blazer: why should i want a bagel? what am i doing here at 5AM? Droids was the best '80s cartoon...
Santa Claus: i saw a big-ass wagoneer with these large stickers of fireplaces plastered all over it. that's fucking weird. i've given up. nobody believes in me anymore so i've stopped trying...
Luke Russert: wouldn't you rather spend that fin in your wallet burning a hole in your pocket on some boneless ribs rather than a Ben-Gay/IcyHot combo stick?...
at the luchtable.
Phoebe Cates: why are you blushing? why are you so embarrassed?
Jennifer Jason Leigh: i don't like performing in front of snickering boys, i'm an actress.
Phoebe Cates: you're not performing, you're educating. it's like you're giving these dunderhead boys an 1860 Martin guitar that's more Existential than Christian...
Mark Twain: that's MY guitar!!!...
Tai: pinched nerve in the neck? i use hemp cream in my practice...
Mardith: ...
CVS: getting an AI Boost is not the same as getting a booster shot...
pavillon: flag, not pavilion...
Joanne Weir: i'm the mom who drives the kids to soccer in a van.........and i have a cooking travel show...
meze: the wiktionary voice for this is the "Present Day, Present Time, Hahahahaha" voice at the beginning of each Serial Experiments Lain episode...
Boc: do i still have a body?.........or a shell?...
Motoko: you're cute.........for a man...
Hidden Hills Brewing & Blending: we stole rg burgers's black chalkboard and green chalk...
Doryce: let's go to Moaning Caverns...
Tai: people forget that going to a chiropractor is alternative medicine.
Mardith: yet they have those brown office rooms like regular normal doctors. the sound of that CRACK made me take crack...
Salinas: farmers, come to the Salinas Fairgrounds and see all the demos of the new farming drones and farming robots and farming androids which will put you out of business!!!
Luke Russert: my dad was the one who went to all the exotic locales, the only exotic locale i've ever been to is the grocery store...
me: wait can I be a Plastic Paddy?...
Walmart: Clarence!!!
Clarence: Clarence Season 4 soon?...
Walmart: no we said Clearance!!!...
Lindy Lenz: oh look what i found on the ground next to the cereal factory during our walk.
Luke Russert: lucky penny?
Lindy: better, a lucky paperclip bent and shaped in an Uzumaki swirl...
Luke: is that an anime?
Lindy: my sister in Baltimore Jen R knows about anime...
Jason DeMarco: why is Uzumaki only 4 episodes?!!! i know budget cuts and everything, but even a wannabe Japanese American like ME knows 4 is an unlucky number!!!...
Alejandro: can i help with the sex ceremony, too? Laertus is my best friend.
Ear Horn: why sure, dearie, what did you have in mind? what did you pluck?
Alejandro: these Zicam zinths. these flowers shoot the Zicam pollen seeds into your nose and your cold is gone. more effective than any other OTC...
Ear: relaxing buds, bud. a muscle relaxant must be relaxing.
Laertus: Alejandro is the only non-family touch i receive in my entire LIFE each day, his hug is crucial...
at the bothy Eye Luggage and Laertus come upon the one wooden door in the front.
Laertus: now THIS is an airbBnb.
Eye: owner says key is not found anywhere, not under the mat. look at the lock.
Laertus: i'm looking at the black hole where the lock should be on this door. magnificent.
the two enter and immediately the door swings closed and locks behind them even though there's still a hole not a doorknob...
Laertus: wow, this is magical.
in the center of the room is the circular bed hewn of grey stone slabs.
Eye: hay will be our pillows.
encircling the circle bed are 13 evenly-spaced encouraging black candles. all the rare delicate crystalline goth flowers and their juices are out of their glass vases and tenderly strewn on the bed and between the candles.
Laertus: a pile of stalks which will bond. is this sex or a sacrifice?
Eye: the best sex IS a sacrifice...
the sex is nice.
Laertus: i can't remember having sex and not thrusting ONCE. that was very different.
Eye: you've never made love before, have you.
Laertus: no. i've never fucked someone i loved, it's a whole nother-level experience. it's elevated. it's not sex anymore at that point, it's entering into a celestial bond written in the stars.
Eye: you were quite ravenous on my body.
Laertus: i had to show you that i was LOVING on you, not LUSTING on you. how do you prove this? well by kissing every spot on your naked body, rather than LICKING every spot.
Eye: you went from my cunt to my nose in 3 seconds flat.
Eye Luggage takes some of her vaginal fluid and Laertus's cum, puts it in the glass lachrymatory in her pocket, mixes the two seminal fluids together in one swirl with her pinkie finger, and inserts the lachrymatory into the hole of the doorlock. the door magically opens again.
Eye Luggage: cos it's true love, not true sex.
in the basket tenderly weaved of straw next to the circle bed is a book, a $25 food certificate to PapaGallo's at the Sherman Oaks Galleria mall, and a pear-scented note.
Laertus: All My Friends Are Dead. oh yeah that's that children's book about dinosaurs, right?
Eye: it's more like an adult coloring book that's quite gothly dark-humorous. let's see what the note says:
OPEN AFTER FUCKING
hello dearies, it's your Ear Horn here. do you like black comedy as much as me? wasn't that licorice-pizza flower a nice touch? just wanna say how proud i am of the both of you. which brings me to the bothy. do you know why i rented out this bothy for the two of you? because it's bothy, it's for the BOTH of you...
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