Jen R and i scour the grass behind the school for blades. the subway cars above rumble on their own golden road which is a track down the center of Main Street. we are wearing our red Guardian Angels berets.
me: are you sure we can be doing this legally?
Jen R: sure, we have on the official red berets, don't we?
me: yeah but where'd you get these?
Jen R: i found them scouring the grass behind the school. i stole them from a pawn shop so it's perfectly legal. i need you to do this for me to prove your loyalty, my daughter found a blade between the blades of grass at her this here playground and it scared the living shit outta me.
me: we're like Gabe Kotter and Julie Kotter from Welcome Back, Kotter.
Jen R: may i always be as skinny as she was.
me: i could use one of your patented hugs as we search. for motivation.
Jen R hugs me for a very long time.........and the blade that's hanging out of her front-jeans-overalls pocket slices into my abdomen.
Jen R: i found one. oh yeah sorry forgot i had that there my mind is all over the place i am distracted.
Greykid: how many shots does it take to cure cat stomach flu?
bird-flu birds: not cool, dude.
Greykid: it's weird going to the Safeway area but not going to Safeway...
shaggy vanilla lab: for us dogs, the vet isn't a doctor, it's a spa.
Dear Rishi: because Rishi and that blonde head of Europe fucked, Northern Ireland is free tonight.
blonde headess: head, both meanings. headess, head's ass, my ass, we did butt stuff.
Rishi Sunak: we finally paved that dirt road. this is not about me, this is about Northern Ireland getting my sausage.
Mr. Kotter: i dub thee your Chromebook the Kotterbook!!!...
Julie Kotter: so who was the infamous Epstein's Mother from all the sick notes? why it was ME of course, look at that red gang bandana i have on around my neck in that pic, that is straight-up pure Puerto Rican Jew!!! the bandana is a little tight around my neck, it's squeezing my neck, this is why i could never be in a gang.
Epstein: Bon Jovi stole all his songs from me, i mean look at me, i'm obviously Santana's son.
Epstein: i have the grey fro of that guy from Tears for Fears NOW in 2023...
Bob Ross: ...
Bob Ross: i lived longer than Kurt Cobain...
John Travolta's mom: i'm not a nepo baby. i came up with the Horshack laugh BEFORE Horshack.
Welcome Back, Kotter lunchbox: the first meta thing, the first meta item. it was a lunchbox ABOUT a school where lunchboxes would be. the first time anyone EVER saw any MAD Magazine artwork...
Mr. Kotter in a yellow ripoff Big Bird chicken suit sewn by Miss Piggy in a women's prison: see? i told you, my Kotter shows and Sesame Street interlaced and intertwined and interjoined and entwined with each other, we're both hardcore seedy '70s NYC with red brick walls for windows.
Gabe Kaplan: Seinfeld stole my act, he stole my character.
Jerry Seinfeld: no i didn't, you were into Super Villains, i was into Superman...
Arnold Horshack: there is no better feeling than marrying your girlfriend BEFORE you graduate high school.
Mary Johnson: everyone on Welcome Back, Kotter MEN AND WOMEN wore those tight DARK BLUE bluejean bellbottoms...
Arnold Horshack: when i call Epstein "Little Juan" it's so childlike it sounds like "Little One".........that is so cute.
Lucio Rossi carrying around a tossi tote cat-caryall cotton kennel tent for cats on airplanes: a call from a bank on a Saturday? you KNOW that's spam!!!
Blake Lemoine: why are all the job interviewers in Silicon Valley asking me what my favorite anime is?...
Blake Lemoine: it's Teen Titans by the way, the original one.........2003.
Gabe Kotter: did i ever tell you about my Uncle Aunt Brother Sister Niece Nephew Grandfathermother Sally?
Julie Kotter: Sally is not a Jewish name.
Gabe: Sally is the ULTIMATE Jewish name!!!
Julie: my Aunt Melissa is from Nebraska. Gabe, you're an only child, remember? honey, you have no family. just a lot of time and a lot of imagination...
Mr. Kotter: Hotsy, do you want to go to the nurse?
Hotsy Totsy: um, my name is Rosalie, Mr. Kotter.
Mr. Kotter: oh my god.........that is so embarrassing.........sorry...
Rosalie: why are you staring intently at my butt when i'm wearing the cheerleader uniform?...
Debralee Scott: see in my episode "Whodunit?" i'm crying like fellow ginger Lucille Ball...
Greykid: please don't get "air jail" trending, don't make "air jail" a thing, that's cruel, sick, and twisted.
Mr T wearing a blue Guardian Angels beret: breakdancers make the best pommel-horse gymnasts...
Gladyce: oh i love looking at that HUMMINGBIRD in front of me milking a tulip as i do my jumping jacks. but then i start jacking and the hummingbird quickly lilts off away...
Dirg: i hate her shit but i love her tits.
chove: where the Fraggles live.
alux: i am a REAL Fraggle.
me: well that was a nice day blade-hunting. we found many a blade. and one neon blade in the grass.
Jen R: it's not even noon and i'm ready for dinner. it's weird when you're sweating and it's raining.
me: wanna climb in the shower with me? wanna shower together?
Jen R: let's use the gym showers. i wanna shave off that monk beard of yours with these blades we found, i told you, you could never HOPE to be Evan Dando with his facial hair.
me: okay but remember what i've always told you, NEVER BRUSH YOUR TEETH NAKED. NEVER FLOSS NAKED. AND ESPECIALLY NEVER USE A WATERPIK NAKED.