THOSE TAKEOUT-ONLY DAYS...

 

notes:

* Outer Limits: sex in a mental institution is the BEST SEX.

* the Outer Limits "Beyond the Veil" episode is the decadent counterbalance i needed to Into Great Silence. a permanent perfect Victorian-stone mental institution on a dark rainy night is the sinful salve necessary to counterweight the scary silence of a permanent monastery.

* Louden Swain: i'm tacky but i tackle. i'm rough around the edges because i use rough language for a 17-year-old. this frogmouth of mine catches flies.........hot flies. not hot fries, i'm trying to lose weight. how am i supposed to walk around with this raging boner i sport all the time?

Linda Fiorentino: size doesn't matter. you know me, i'm from Jersey where there are no size queens. it's not the size of the boner that counts, it's how you use it.

* tarred and feathered: flying the coop!!!

* Louden: the clitoris is an astounding organ. a marvel machine. an organ of wonder. my dad's a lawyer, you better be insured up against my police harassment, bitch. i'm talking to the repo men.

* art: a legal way to make a threat at someone.

* Christopher Eubanks: just wait.........just wait.........i'm gonna be the LeBron James of tennis one day...

* Brook Anderson: startups get my nipples hard. angel-investor money swings my tits. entrepreneurs get me wet. good causes make me scream. no i'm not the vapid blonde-bimbo entertainment reporter, i'm the scientist, man!!! i do the important work!!!

* Gwyneth Paltrow: people will REMEMBER THIS DAY as the most consequential day in American jurisprudence history...

* Gwyneth Paltrow: legal courtrooms are better than slippery slopes...

* The Pope: only Jean-Luc Picard feeds me by hand now, he wheels me out little mini-pizzas with anchovies on a rolling tray...

* Dirg: what are you supposed to do? you see stupid stuff happening LITERALLY BEFORE YOUR EYES and there's nothing you can do about it. what are you supposed to do? you see the trash truck pull up in front of your green trash bin and NOT PICK IT UP. trash still there, not emptied, what are you supposed to do?...

* Lucio: my sister's wedding, my dad's funeral that my mom didn't attend, my first pizza shoppe, these are the things i missed because of blocked spam calls. this is the pitfall of blocking spam calls. you must be circumspect about this sorta thing, it's a zero-sum game...

* bandoneon: Vaporwave Pasqually

* James Comey: i have no association with Comenity Bank...

* charity: you don't have any money for us? we'll take land...

* SlimVirgin: you didn't know whether i was a man or a woman, did you? see you on the other side of Wikipedia...

* wikipedian: not a lawyer. wikipedians are a wonder.

* Adele Dazeem: Ferrero Rocher, Easter is an explosion in your mouth...

John Travolta: up your chocolate egg with a pegleg. up your chocolate bunny with a.........Playboy Bunny, it was the '70s...

* Steven Adams: this is very unfair to me, just cos i'm a big guy doesn't mean i get to be your couch. i can't see the screen, i can't watch the game, 3 people on me is too much.

Lily from AT&T: can i mount you?

Steven Adams: dammit.

Lily: and i haven't even talked about your Maori tats or your New Zealand accent yet.

* Lily from AT&T: "One Shining Moment," i hate that song. i have a good singing voice but i won't sing that song. hey don't cut down the beach-volleyball net cos you thought it was the Final Four basketball net, are you stupid? not cool, not cool-blue like my work-shirt. coconut trees don't naturally grow in this area, the only natural coconuts around here are my tits. hey didn't you leave pro basketball to become a dentist? who the fuck DOES THAT?!!!

* Mayhem: i'm your older bully of a brother and i'm whupping your ass in b-ball in the driveway. i can dunk on you without jumping. i stole your prom date from you.

brother: Jen P? that is SO NOT COOL. no, this isn't funny, she was my soul mate, she was my purpose, she was my path, she was my fated bride and she was supposed to be my baby-mama. we're not playing H-O-R-S-E anymore, imma kill you, i'm gonna kill you even tho you're my brother. spell out M-U-R-D-E-R instead.

Mayhem: when the net breaks off the roof just say the tornado did it and collect your Allstate insurance. Madison Avenue was tasked with coming up with an ad that would appeal to the red-hat crowd, did we succeed? is this doing it for you?

* Jersey Mike's: Danny DeVito, may i present you with this apron. 

Danny DeVito: this is for a good cause, but why is this apron so goddamn small? it's munchkin mini, it's so tiny it's smaller than my thumb. i challenge you to a pickup game after this charity bullshit is over.

*  Buick Envision quadruple take.

quadruplets: that spin class was brutal.

quadruplets: i didn't have to do it, i just drank water the whole time.

quadruplets: music choice? it needs to be something we can dance to.

quadruplets: Nirvana "Something in the Way," that was the last song they played at my prom.

quadruplets: what's your password?

quadruplets: nhy76543washo0999887777*%$$$$

quadruplets: that's a tight spot.

quadruplets: that's why we're working our vaginal muscles in spin class. oh you mean parallel parking, parallel parking is easy for women.

quadruplets: wait why do we only have ONE boyfriend? that is one lucky bastard.

quadruplets: he doesn't deserve all that love, we're paying the lease.

CLICK HERE FOR MENTAL-INSTITUTION SEX

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: does Jacques Pepin deliver on DoorDash?...

VISION QUEST: HE WANTS TO WRESTLE WOMEN

 

me: would you travel all the way cross-country from New York to Los Angeles in a pickup truck across fields of gold for me? i would for you.

Jen R: awww, that's sweet. i've done the cross-country thing before, and for less. just to scope a few surfers on Carmel Beach riding glassy waves. 

me: you can't wait for love to happen to you, to fall on your lap riding a pickup truck, you gotta go out there and FIND it yourself, and FIGHT to keep it.

me: watching this when the scene comes on and BAM there's Madonna and i IMMEDIATELY think of you. it was more forlorn cos this was during the period you were missing.

Jen R: again, awww that's sweet.

Andre Agassi: my favorite food is chicken fingers...

Daisy Jones & The Six: Almost Famous for TV.

Dirg: bifler?...

Michael Steele is fucking Jennifer Rubin in the MSNBC luncheonette breakfast breakroom. 

Michael Steele: this is wild, i've never been here before.........all three meanings.

monastery: it's a vacation spot, a dream destination, an area to shut down, a place for a short holiday...

monastery: we will never leave Kyiv.

Shakespeare: where can i go/ to be left utterly alone?...

Harry Stone: yeah sorry but the Night Court revival is a dud. i mean what would a second season look like? these characters are dead, what more can they do? what more would anyone want them to do? 

Shakespeare: writing for television is the hardest writing to do. especially when you HAVE TO WRITE a second season for a show that no one wants, whose characters the general populace and public don't give two shits about. how do you continue the story for characters who are begging to die?

Harry Stone: so how would this work? you gotta make it spicy or your ratings will sag into oblivion. Dan Fielding who's built like a tank has to essentially BECOME me, he starts imitating my voice and does card tricks, become Harold T. Stone, that's how he gets closer to Abby. eventually the father/daughter dynamic gets crossed when Abby fucks Dan in her chambers one late-night. Rand sucks, the endgame here HAS TO BE Abby and Neil getting together in the end and marrying, perhaps Neil murders Rand in the series finale and THEN we'll see whether Pete Holmes believes in God again. Olivia gains 300 pounds, becomes an advocate for fat acceptance, and marries Gurgs, they were hinting she was a lesbian, right? we see more of Gurgs's inner-city homelife, how her being a female black cop has ostracized her from her community, why she never wants to go home again, why she wants to live inside the courthouse forever with her silver mini-bottle of silver mouthwash. Judge Flobert becomes a top rap star at age 50 and joins the Super Mario Crew, Wendie Malick is revealed to have a high-pitched voice, and Abby's mother Gina marries Neil on a Star Wars moon with bistro lights.

Eye Luggage: Vision Quest and go.

Matthew Modine: not a space movie, not a Star Wars movie.

Kuch: vision quest as in the Native American ritual. although i'm not Indian, i got Indian blood like that senator had...

Louden Swain: GREATEST PROTAGONIST NAME in all of literature.

Holden Caulfield: ...

Holden Caulfield: pump the brakes, this is NOT as good as Catcher in the Rye for fuck sake!!!

Laertus's dad: now of course 1985 was the Magic Year.

Laertus, his son: yes. and this is very interesting, this was the last time that wrestling, not pro wrestling but real wrestling, would be THIS BIG again in this country, this popular, something followed by the masses. this evokes that nostalgic quality of the Olympics back in the '80s, you know, the teenage wrestler from an Ohio high school who trains on his farm and goes to the Olympics in China and defeats the 30-year-old undefeated Soviet wrestler for the gold medal and the entire country, yes THE ENTIRE COUNTRY roots for him, it brings us all together as a country, national pride is still a thing.

Laertus: oh and this film is a dead-ringer spiritual successor to Breaking Away.

Jen P: i admit it, i'm jelaous of Jen R.

Lance Armstrong: yeah, this movie has those same vibes, that same atmosphere and heft of air.

Laertus: Lance Armstrong? you still alive? you haven't collapsed from an anabolic overdose yet?

Lance Armstrong: heft in the air...

Kurt Cobain: weird. this takes place in Spokane and there is ABSOLUTELY NO INDICATION that the home of grunge is nearby, this looks like it takes place in Wisconsin. dairyfarm milk is NOT struggling scraggly semen swimmers.

Matthew Modine: i'm JOGGING JOGGING JOGGING WALKING RUNNING across bridge after bridge after bridge of Washington countryside to Journey, Tangerine Dream, and Quarterflash. of all of these i wish Quarterflash had made it more.

Journey's "Only the Young": it's true, only the young know. would it surprise you to learn that all the Muppets are patterned after Steve Perry?

Linda Fiorentino: beginner's luck? this was my FIRST AUDITION fresh outta the academy and i NAILED it and got the part!!! to be in a major motion picture after a few acting classes in Thousand Oaks, you know? how old is too old to start your drama career? is 50 too old to start?

Louden: i mean SHIT, why is my mailbox SO DAMN FAR AWAY from my house? the lengths i go to to write a letter. i'm loud, i won't back down, and i eat bacon while at the same time having a pet pig.

Louden: i gotta do something meaningful with my life not just because i'm 18 but because i have these dark premonitions that i'm gonna die young. so i don this red monkey suit and serve fancy food to hotel patrons. it's either gonna be the Party Down life or the Pat McAfee life for me, you know? all maitre-d's mack. except me, i'm a virgin.  

stranger in hotel room: Tai Chi isn't karate, it's yoga.

Louden: i'm sold, teach me, master.

stranger: okay but lock the door behind you so we're alone together.

Louden: *click*

stranger: it gets very lonely on '80s business trips...

Mardith: oh Michael Schoeffling!!! now there was an '80s hunk!!! had that Ed Chigliak Darren E. Burrows vibe. and then the '80s came and went and Mike was gone...

Schoeffling: no, i just went on a REAL vision quest...

Kuch: wait, Cooch? like that guy from Van Nuys Blvd.? why is everyone Cooch now?!!! you like my Purple Rain motorcycle and long spiky Indian hair and feather in my belt? and racing jacket and goggles? these goggles make me look like an anime character.

Louden: some stranger in a hotel room just tapped my sac. my ballsac. my ballsack, my ball sack. i got molested. so i'm done with sex in my life, that kinda put me off sex.

Carla: am i sexier as the nubile older woman with the fro HERE or the experienced older woman with medium-length straight hair in The Last Seduction?

at the car dealership.

Linda: bras haven't been invented in New Jersey. why do you look like a baked potato?

Louden: i'm wearing this silver suit to shed a few pounds, the pressure in Hollywood and Daft Punk to stay thin. i'm cutting weight.

Linda: cutting weight? is that like cutting slabs of meat?

me: i mean i'd like it if for just ONCE i got a random houseguest boarder who looked like Linda Fiorentino...

Linda: so i see you have no onion salt. this means i have to be your new mom, see only moms know where to find onion salt. garlic salt is easy to get.

Ronny Cox: i'm not PROUD Mom dumped me and left our family, son. it's just something that happened. she had a valid reason, the other man sold vacuums.

Matthew Modine: gotta love this movie, i used the insult "airhead" on a man, that is beautiful.

Elmo: so you want to research Carla's cooze? read a book, go to the library, it's all there. i love a thirst for knowledge, this is what pornography is in the '80s, it's all at the library. a bunch of Chicano repo men just stole my car but that's neither here nor there...

Elmo: eat a burger like a man.........by not eating a burger.

J.C. Quinn: wait didn't i invent Regular Show? i coulda sworn i did anime voices, i have one of those faces...

Matthew Modine: i bleed from my nose TEN FUCKING TIMES in this movie!!! this movie shoulda been called Bleeder.

Professor Tanneran: Ralph Waldo Emerson was the shiznit, am i getting through to any of you young folk at all? sigh, why am i stuck at this dead-end high school? you know, the OverSoul, Self-Reliance, the needed counterbalance to Existentialism...

Louden: i get it, you're talking about me, i've been depressed lately...

Linda: i'm going to San Francisco to become an artist.

Louden: you're gay that's cool. i'm an enlightened jock. a friendly farmboy, a pasture pacifist. that's where Frida Kahlo is from, right? 

Linda: the thing is, i could easily become an artist in Monterey...

Linda: somedays you just gotta be a dame.

Louden: a whore?

Linda: try a music lover, numbnuts. eat your Flintstones Chewable Vitamins!!!

Madonna singing on stage at the club: this is where it all started for me, at a nightclub in Seattle. WOW, i'm singing here and nobody gives a fuck who i am. it's like i'm invisible. i never had feelings like this before, i'm crazy for you. if i can't have you before i graduate high school i'm gonna acquire a bad gambling addiction.

Linda: i went to one of your little wrestling matches, not what i was expecting, i liked it. i thought it would be gay.

Louden: we're the first high school in the country to try the new Roman Meal bread loaf...

dad: are you sure a book report on the vagina is a thing you should be doing in school? maybe i should shout at a PTA meeting like one of those Trump cucks.

Louden: dad, it's the 20th Century.

dad: yes but it's still Wisconsin...

Daphne Zuniga: people think i have an association with Kirk Cameron but i really do not. i did Melrose Place before it was cool. i'm an Epstein who's smart, Mr. Kotter!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE they banned our student newspaper and made us pick up trash and wash graffiti!!! all over an article steeped in science not pornography!!!

Louden: the clitoris is a penis...

Daphne: BRILLIANT THESIS, Louden.

Louden: you fucked Tanneran, fuck me. now fuck me!!! why don't you fuck me?

Linda: bro chill. what's the matter with you? you're 17 years old, why is your language like that?!!! why are you so crude?

Eye Luggage: it's the most bizarre thing with '80s movies, men simply cannot express love to women in '80s movies, so it always ends up being a rape or a rape attempt.

Shute: shoot. i hope you make weight, i need someone to take this log off my back.

Jean-Pierre Baldosier: my last name is Baldosier? well THAT WAS EASY to come up with my nickname of Bulldozer!!!

Forest Whitaker: that's Balldozer.

wrestling coach: i look weird in overalls tights. don't bleed and you're on the team.

Louden: no, i'm gonna do the pegging thing and climb the wall and prove i'm a man. i love pegging.

Louden: dad, can i visit Grandpa in the woods?

Carla: yeah it's gonna be a LONG TRIP so i'd like to go so we'll have the time and space and opportunity so i can fuck your son. we'll do it in the Fields of Gold, the wheatfields, very farmboy, very Biblical, very Elysium.

Roberts Blossom: i'm old and it's the '80s, what's going on here?!!! i have everything i need in this cabin: loneliness. the only cure for loneliness? a medihaler.

by the campfire.

Linda: sex is no big deal for girls.

Louden: but for guys it's EVERYTHING.

Linda: which is why it's a crime against nature that women get the cherry, men should have a cherry in their penis.

Linda: RAPE ME LIKE A FARMBOY!!!

Louden: what?

Linda: sorry, i'm having flashforwards to my Last Seduction role.

running through the wheat tulips.

Linda: but you have so much to look forward to. college. wrestling. life. all the women you'll make love to.

Louden: death.

Linda: kids. death.

the drive home.

Louden: did i do sex good? was i good?

Linda: i know your goofiness is your charm but it's getting a little thin. there is such a thing as too much innocence, gagging innocence. you're cute but you have a weird misshapen smile, snake lips or something.

Louden: i was only able to actually have real sex because i drive a car. i was only able to be a normal person because i got a FUCKING SPORTS SCHOLARSHIP TO COLLEGE!!! ALL FOUR FUCKING YEARS FREE!!!...

Louden: come on, Kuch, we'll both get out of this hick town and into the big city with our wrestling scholarships.

Kuch: only YOU got the scholarship. i wanted to be cool so i became an Indian but i'm a fraud. the vision-quest stuff is still solid and sound tho.

Louden: but you ARE an Indian, your dad is an alcoholic.

Kuch: REALLY NOT HELPING, dude. mean drunks are worse than sober skiers.

Gwyneth: sloppy skiers, sloppy-drunk skiers, eat apples to dry out.

Elmo: you know who Pele is?

Louden: no, he's dead.

Elmo: six minutes, that's the time it takes to inspire sadsacks like me to make something of their sad SAC pathetic empty doomed hopeless lives, well existences, they gave up on living a meaningful life years ago, i am one of those sad short-order cooks. you see that soccer ball go in that goal and you're DISTRACTED for six minutes. six minutes is also the time it takes to get a divorce...  

P.E. coach: i want all these muscular young men to strip down, no skivvies, no underwear, i want to see your cocks, pecs, abs, and butts.

wrestlers: for the weigh-in?

P.E. coach: the what?

Linda: you like my pose leaning against the locker in my Top Gun jeans at the end here?

 

Pat Morita: this ending is like The Karate Kid but so painfully bland. i'm gonna see if i can guest-star on an Outer Limits episode...

Louden, monologuing: i guess that's why we gotta love those people who deserve it like there's no tomorrow. cos when you get right down to it---there isn't. six minutes. six minutes is all it takes. six minutes is the amount of time needed to make love to someone. six minutes later i forgot Carla ever existed...

Carla: so Carla just leaves? just like that? she never sees Louden again? she is never part of Louden's life going forward? she go bye bye?

Madonna: g'night folks.

Linda Fiorentino: BITCH I'M BIGGER THAN YOU!!! i'm actually a New Jersey gangster moll IN REAL LIFE!!! unlike you who just plays one on TV. g'night folks.

Jana Marie Hupp: i played football. should my best friend be Jennifer Aniston or Gwyneth Paltrow?...

Linda Fiorentino: yeah i'm sorry but i don't buy this. i don't buy this for one minute. there is NO WAY IN HELL a seasoned street-smart woman like Carla would fall for a young tacky goofball like Louden. Tanneran is the better match for her, intellectually, sexually, socially, equally. we gotta be realistic here, folks. and as i've always said, KINDNESS is key...

Linda Fiorentino: best line in the entire movie is when i say: i've been 21 since i've been 12.

 

 

CHROMEBOOK CITY: COURT DRUGS

 

Jen R and i are situated at the courthouse. the court's lights are neon of course. but the gavel is Vaporwave which means we would get a fair shake, you never know which way a Vaporwave gavel will swing and sway with the purple-blue beat. 

me: are you sure you're up for this?

Jen R: um, i don't have a choice. i'm the one with a daughter. it must be nice to be you, free from responsibility, free from life. a freeform life.

me: but i'm locked inside my head forever. and i swallowed the key which is in my body not my head. don't worry, it's a certainty you'll be granted custody. it's a SURETY.

Jen R: sure. yeah. whatever. the judge is sure to look at my drug records.

me: just say all the drugs you ingested were mine. what is your drug of choice? i should know this by now, i'm in love with you.

Jen R: we're drug buddies.

me: same thing. 

Jen R: burnies.

me: oh yes, burnies. i used to take large quantities of Extasy but that was back in my Berkeley rave days. LONG time ago. i've forgotten all those days.

Jen R: they say MDMA doesn't adversely affect you, no bad side effects, all it does is make you euphoric, sanguine, and friendlier. 

me: no catatonia, a form of psychosis.

Jen R: unless you snort it. take your vitamins. just be sure to attach a plastic gallon-bottle of watercooler water to your hip on the dancefloor. dancing like that is sure to attract a crowd.

me: i desire friends so badly. but i haven't the foggiest how to make them.

Jen R: how do i look, hon?

me: fire. those nine-inch heels are hot and tight. love the Quaker buckle.

Jen R: thanks, hon.

me: but how you look doesn't matter in this court. besides, no one will see the shoes, they'll be covered on the stand by the stand.

Jen R: damn pulpy pulpit podium. eat a papaya, judge.

porte-cochere: only seen in Merchant Ivory movies...

orangery: same. orangery, the place not the adjective...

Instagram: the place for tweakers.

me: U.S.A. vs. El Salvador in soccer? my heart can't take it.

Alabama: the place for space. The Northern Lights in The South.

Zverev: IT'S NOT DRUGS!!! i may be a legal prick but this ain't an illegal prick i'm sticking into my elbow vein, the needle is necessary, it's a saving stinger, it's for my diabetes, come on, ump, come on, chair ump.

recherche: why you can't understand Cher.

Pink Floyd on the Meddle album cover: what the heck is that? nobody knows to this day.

Queensryche Hear in the Now Frontier: ...

Pink Floyd: we should have gone with the baboon butt, nobody would have known the difference, nobody would have been the wiser.

Battlestar Galactica: we're huge UConn fans...

Lenny Henry: my Chef! show.

Gordon Ramsay: the black Gordon Ramsay? the black me?

Lenny Henry: believe it or not, we were trying to be the British Cosby Show...

custody court commences. the court is high in the sky, not to be played at, volleyed for. my Chromebook is now this week Court TV Chromebook filming the proceedings onto tape. i'm sitting in the first row right next to Jen R's ex-husband and by Dan Fielding, Abby Stone, Washed Out's Ernest Weatherly Greene Jr. and his wife Blair Greene.

Blair Greene with red hair: our sex is in Sexton. i make the bacon and he cooks the bacon in Macon. 

me: and The Count, Grover, and Big Bird. and the Sbarro mall mascot.

Sbarro mascot: in Capitola.

me: Sbarro, oh so i guess i DID have New York pizza this whole time!!! had my first Slice at age 4!!!

judge: are you a drug addict? do you take drugs regularly? recreationally?

Jen R from the stand: there's no such thing. nobody takes drugs for fun. everyone does drugs to kill the pain. 

judge: what's that there in your pocket, miss?

Jen R: my pink antique grandma sweater pocket? that green? it's not cash money i can tell you that, i'm a librarian. it's pot.

judge: marijuana is a drug.

Jen R: NO IT'S NOT!!! what drug HEALS?!!!  

i'm summoned to the stand.

me: permission to approach the bench to hug Jen R?

judge: permission not granted.

me: i'm gonna do it anyway, contempt is worth it to get that hug. i admit i was jealous when i first saw Jen R's papers and it said ENGAGED. but you're divorced now, right? you're getting a divorce?

Jen R: it's complicated.

Jen R's ex-husband starts humming "Too Late" by Washed Out on his thin salivating lips.

Jen R trips over the stand on her way down.

Jen R: pay you no mind, judge, i was just doing the JenLaw trip at the Oscars.

judge: Jen Law? Jennifer Lawrence? i can respect that, you Jennifers stick together. i can respect a Law whence-ever it comes.

the judge makes the "Too Small" NBA gesture at me.

me: what is that? what does that mean? Too Low? i'm too low? too low of a person? i'm a low person? i know this.

Goemon: i quilt scarves and toilet paper with my samurai sword.

Pati Jinich: my specialty is Spanish spinach...

Marco Island: i only want to learn about the history of Florida and the history of the United States through an old 1950s film reel narrated by Walt Disney for the Disneyland Files, okay?

Laertus: look, Dirg, i like anime, too, i really do, i admit it, anime has the best story structure in all of literature, but you can't celebrate an anime character's birthday, you just can't.

Dirg: wanna borrow some tiny candles?

Laertus: okay only if i get to celebrate Elliott from E.T.'s birthday.

Eye Luggage: and Jem's birthday.

Andre Agassi: is it just me or is Friends only funny when you're watching it under the influence of crystal meth?...

Keith Morrison: Dateline during the day? Dateline in the afternoon? that's an afternoon delight, that's not scary. not scary enough, my voice only comes through at night. it's like Meet the Press on weekdays...

AI: computer bipolar disease...

the verdict is nigh. the judge enters his chambers with the 1970s bead-rope door and enters out.

Jen R stands up in the pew.

Jen R: before you render your decision, if it pleases the court i'd like to recite what i carved myself by hand on this silver pendant here. Maryland the Silver State. Music Maryland.

the judge starts to cry.

Jen R: My little girl yesterday, my friend today, my daughter Forever

Jen R (and by extension me, I'm) awarded custody. Jen R's ex-husband is NOT happy and writes a song about it that afternoon.

me: so happy for you. i love your kid as my own daughter, she's a great kid, she has the face of unspoiled innocence and perfect positivity, a brimming kindness forged by Beatles love, she's unruined by the cruel world and i will keep her that way, i will protect her with my life. 

Jen R wipes her brow.

Jen R: phew that was close. i had no other plans. no more babysitting at the bar from now on. these aren't drug sweats, it's hot at night in Baltimore. where to now?

me: we gotta celebrate. what are the fine-dining establishments around here? the places with class. at least TWO Michelin stars.

Jen R: you watch Check, Please! Bay Area on PBS?

me: of course. surely. hey let's pop in here at this corner bistro, it was featured on the show.

Jen R: okay but we don't have time to do ALL THREE restaurants, one night isn't that long.

Jen R takes one look at Leslie Sbrocco and groans.

Jen R: oh no, not this again.

 

THE INFINITE JEST MOVIE, IT'S GONNA HAVE TO BE LIKE THE THORN BIRDS MINISERIES

 

notes:

* David Foster Wallace: is this a book signing or are you my doctor? today is when the cherry blossoms bloom in Washington D.C. AND Tokyo at the same second, right? today is the peak bloom day, that's why i'm wearing THIS bandana.

* Fosters Freeze: should have been named after David Foster Wallace but instead named after a frozen rope caused by a fister.

* Chevelle: hey Depeche Mode, ask us about being a twosome...

* Macy's: Life as the Main Character, it's more like Life in the Bjork "It's Oh So Quiet" Music Video.

* Chipotle: Chicken Al Pastor, the ONLY good thing with pineapple.

* Tony Hawk: Rinvoq is another name for turmeric. 

Federer: TAKE DOWN THAT WOOD RACQUET FROM OFF THE WALL NOW!!!

* Safelite Auto Glass.

driving instructor: SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!! who do you think you are?!!! Bill Murray's unknown brother?!!!

John Murray: ...

John Murray: believe it or not in real life i get nervous. i'm a nervous wreck, a nervous nellie. i'm afraid i'm gonna cause a wreck, we're gonna crash each time i caress a wheel. why do you look like that David Foster Wallace fan? 

* Jonathan Majors: not a Carl's Jr. commercial...

Jonathan Majors: join the army. like Patton said, no one actually dies for their country...

* the new Skins Vaporwave Taco Bell commercials: as sung by Eartha Kitt...

* Wendy's: we FINALLY got the babe's name!!! in the commercial's world that is. Katherine!!! or Catherine.

* Chris Paul: so are you actually a basketball player?

Boban Marjanovic: no, i'm an actor obviously.

Chris Paul: yeah that's what i thought, you are a GOOD ACTOR, i was CONVINCED you knew how to play basketball, you were a baller, a hooper.

Boban: i do. i am.

* Charles Barkley: it's March.

Kenny: cos of all the March Madness mascots?

Charles Barkley: no, cos this time of year i start sneezing like a motherfucker, i have hay fever, i'm allergic to four-leaf clovers.

* i saw that Buffalo Wild Wings Overtime commercial RIGHT BEFORE a REAL OVERTIME in the Tournament was about to commence...

* Apple: hey an iPhone that's banana-colored!!! you need this.

Takahashi: but it's not the PRICE of a banana!!! besides, it's confusing, it's supposed to be apples, not bananas.

* Taco: Shelly Miscavige was found at this diner...

* GEICO Gecko: that ratty recliner's not for sale.

man: if it's on the yard it's for sale at a yardsale.

GEICO Gecko: your wife's for sale then, mate.

* Sonic.

man: i can only relax by playing video games.........something is wrong with me, i'm 40.

* Suzy Lu: Scottish castles aren't musty, they're lived-in. speaking of, the cobwebs in my vulva have been cleared out.

* California tornado: YO!!! this is NOT Dorothy's dream!!!

* Lucio: and the phone is starting to crackle...

* Mardith: best legs on a female player? this is a topic on the messageboards of the Tennis Warehouse website???!!! SERIOUSLY???!!! are you fucking kidding me???!!!

Emma Raducanu: see what i'm talking about?

* the month of March: Hell Month. the most hectic stress you'll ever experience. Killer Month, neverending stuff, neverending shit. 6 major life decisions crammed into one month. gotta hate those 5-week months...

* Brooke Trantor: Wilco, they're from Chicago. i know, you thought they were from Texas, huh. it's that banjo.

* Dirg: so we say "hi" now by showing our butts instead of our faces?...

* Sesame Street: Lena Horne was a BEAUTIFUL PERSON.

* psychiatrist in a wheelchair: i understand you.........believe me.........i understand you...

* The KQED Building: we have the most unique elevator in the world. climb up it, ride the PBS glide, be transformed in how you see the world, rent a time machine on us, start over, this time live life computerless and commentless.

* Dana Plato: i was a plate.........an ungraspable plate.

* Mary Horshack and Arnold Horschack in bed.

Mary Horshack in a quiet voice: are you orgasming, Arnold? i'm not hearing your famous laugh...

* England, Arkansas: where Bama became a queen.

* sleeping porch: a porch that's been screened for mayflies and bad customers.

mayfly: i don't get it, we make the buttermilk sweeter.

* Instagram: hang in there.........forever.

* okay San Diego State is MY TEAM, i'm LOVING the Roman thumbs-down!!! oh but please let's not have a San Diego State/Princeton matchup, my heart couldn't take it. 

CLICK HERE FOR PASTOR

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: DoorDash is expensive now, you gotta pay the delivery fee now, no more trial of freebies. i've never had the Spicy Double Down, but is ANY MEAL worth $50? perhaps i'll partake in the Chicken Al Pastor from Chipotle, all monks are shepherds after all.

LUPIN III VS. CAT'S EYE: CAT'S EYE NEBULA

Greykid: know why it's called the Cat's Eye Nebula? cos cats already see the universe for what it is, cats don't need a third eye.

Trinity: or two eyes for that matter, some like me get by with one eye and one blind eye. i need cat glasses.

Suzy Lu and Steejo are making love in the dusty bedchamber of an old Scottish castle.

Steejo: it's one of three things. either we're on our honeymoon...

Suzy Lu: the whole planning for a youtube wedding is at least three months.

Steejo: or you're having mouth surgery again...

Suzy: my mouth will never end...or youtube finally decided that the whole world hates me so much that they cancelled my account. hey Steejo, you like how my cottage-cheese Scottish butt swings up and down in pounds of flesh when we do it on these moth-bitten Medieval sheets on a bed that WON'T STOP CREAKING from warped wood?

Steejo: aye. nice honeymoon aye. happy birthday, lass. that's it, lass, up the totem pole of my Scottish cock, my Scottish shuttlecock, i ain't no Sean Connery but i can at least be a Norm MacDonald. fuck on my stick till i kip. where's Kakashi?

Suzy, glumly as she's sliding up and down Steejo's pole: on a mission again.

Suzy Lu: my buttcheeks are two long flat skinny columns of longitudinal Attack on Titan sinew.  

Kakashi: the Two Week Sickness...

ThunderCats: why is every team named the Wildcats? what's the deal with America and wildcats?

Jane Dulo: i never married. but John Travolta DID KISS me on the mouth in that Welcome Back, Kotter episode. that was the highest conquest a woman could achieve in the 1970s...

Travolta: and you were in your 70s in the '70s...

Tony Hawk: parents, don't be concerned if your child takes up skateboarding, a fall with BD&J lawyers will earn you $29 million.

Best Jeanist: what does BD&J stand for? i was never good with numbers, with equals.

Tony Hawk: that's my turmeric company.

Sanna Marin: the world's happiest countries are the smallest countries, have you noticed that?

Lucio: i hate hunting. i loathe hunters. i despise hunting culture. but it IS fun to hunt down and kill spam calls.

phew: the spam call was blocked.

Double Down: KFC's McRib

Rosso's: we're the furniture store that's ALWAYS CLOSING!!! WE'RE ALWAYS BEING LIQUIDATED!!!

tunnel walk: professional athletes are spiders...

Lucio from a spy phonebooth outside: when there are SO MANY spam phone calls, it adds so much pressure to the phone, my poor green phone can't take that much ringing!!! THE RINGER'S GONNA FALL OFF!!!

Dirg: the fact that i couldn't share by sending that photo cos the Instagram account was PRIVATE saved my marriage.

Mardith: you will NEVER BE MARRIED.

me: as long as i see your picture still on your Instagram profile, i know you'll return, you're still around, right?

Jen R: no. that's just Instagram's Auto-Feature.

Lucio: spam calls suck. but they do mean the power's still on so that's a good thing. i got a call from Nazareth...

Jesus with an electric guitar made of wood: ...

a coffeemaker that orders fresh beans: i mean, it works, so i guess it's better than a tiny microscopic home blood test...

Elizabeth Holmes: i'm surrounded by pricks.

Jennifer Rubin: why does everyone massage my arm when i come on their shows?.........oh yeah i forgot, i'm a hot little sexy spitfire Jewish grandmother.

Jen R: BUBBIE!!!

whew: the sound of a spam call going to the Tom Cat from Tom & Jerry Pink Floyd lit Heaven escalator stairway to die.

Tom from Tom & Jerry: i talk.........but rarely. i sound like a gangster.

Jerry from Tom & Jerry: i sound like either a gangster or a baby.

Pink Floyd: we never talk. we sing and abstract.

Lucio: never start talking with the word "so"...

Mardith: OH COME ON!!! the Outer Limits episode "Lithia", when they flash the cast credits at the beginning the ONLY MAN's name comes first!!! are you fucking kidding me?

Helen Shaver: don't know why but this script was written by a man. at least there was a female director, ME. I MADE SURE OF IT!!!

Sam Egan: my family and ancestors were hunted down and killed by the Nazis, i wrote a concentration-camp Outer Limits based on their story, i'm with you, i'm on YOUR side.

Eye Luggage: Lupin III vs. Cat's Eye and go. i am recused from commenting on this movie for bias cos my name is eye. just kidding, i hardly get a word in edgewise when we're discussing movies anyway on a weekly basis...

Eye: sponsored by Carl's Jr.

Dirg: let's be honest, this was bad. the only redeeming quality here is the bodies on those Cat's Eye girls have nice shapes.

Laertus's dad: AND that it takes place in the '80s.

Takahashi: PLEASE, i beg you, no more of this CGI, it's soul-sucking. computers are NOT the answer. go back to hand-drawn animation, go back to the 1900s, we will wait 20 YEARS for the next animated film!!!

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: WHOA, the silver-haired fox of a villain in this looks exactly like our Kuze from Ghost in the Shell.

Anderson Cooper: ...

Anderson Cooper: he's not a virgin, okay?

Takahashi: the best part about Cat's Eye in the 1980s was that end-credits theme song, that dance was so '80s Aerobics with the purple legwarmers and the fuzzy headbands.

Jane Fonda: once i was late for spin class and i wore my headband around my butt, i invented the thong.

Takahashi: Ms. Fonda, why don't you do an anime? aren't you sick of Tom Brady by now?

Jane Fonda: yeah. i can't believe Tom is still actually retired!!! T.B. hasn't updated his twitter since this morning, has he? i mean if I can't retire HE can't retire!!!

Michael Knight messily eating an Everything Burger: Cat's Eye from Cat's Eye were the Anime Charlie's Angels!!!

policeman: who am i kidding, i'm a security guard.

Kingpin from Spider-Man: so i'm a fat Lex Luthor? but Japanese. accept Japanese. my tower is IMPENETRABLE!!! it's like the Twin Towers...

policeman: i know it's the '80s but STOP RIGHT THERE. hey maybe i am a policeman.

Kingpin: i was gonna say the Twin Towers with lasers.

Rudy Giuliani: ...

Cat's Eye: low-tech is the way to go, these wind hang-gliders are RAD!!! no electricity needed and they can't be spotted in the air by guns mounted on Gotham zeppelins. 

blue Cat's Eye: it's a good thing my butt is so NICE AD TIGHT, i was able to SQUEEZE THROUGH the red lasers without getting burned. 

baby beige Cat's Eye: electric blue.........electrocuted.

purple Cat's Eye: let's face it, we couldn't do this job if we were fat, if we were fat spies, it's not a vanity thing...

at the Cat Cafe.

Trinity: no actual cats here, disappointing.

baby beige Cat's Eye: hey sis, next time you spill scalding hot coffee on my lap, wait till i get my Cat's Eye suit on first!!!

strange man walks into the cafe.

strange man: i'm revealed to be the villain at the end of the movie, sorry but i'm too old to keep a secret, i'm practically smelling the grasses in my grave now.

Lupin: yeah, SPILL THAT SHIT. that's the thief way.

strange man: i knew your father, he was an art collector.

Cat's Rye: wait, are we sisters? we look nothing alike.

Lupin: why are we always involved with Nazi art? it's always Nazi loot. i've had enough of the Nazi stuff, i'm done with the Nazi stuff, no more Nazi stuff.

Lupin: we both have calling cards. mine has my face in cartoon form.

Cat's Eye: ours are playing cards that are illegal in all casinos.

blue Cat's Eye: when i'm a Cat's Eye i look like Kitana from Mortal Kombat.

Mileena: yeah, me without the barracuda teeth.

Tanya: she's just jealous of what we have, Mileena, Clone Prime Mama Kitana is jealous of our love.

Fuerza: ...

 

policeman: i have a crush on Blue Cat's Eye. i figured that out myself, i'm getting my Junior Detective badge Thursday.

blue Cat's Eye as a waitress: that's me!!!

policeman: you two look nothing alike. there's no mask or anything, she wears different clothes than you, the two faces are the same.

blue Cat's Eye: yeah, and that skintight lycra bodysuit i have to wear that cuts off my circulation, i do it for YOU, to attract you, dummy!!! goddammit.

Lupin: did someone say MASKS?...

Lupin III: let's fuck, Fujicakes.

Jigen: i don't like you, Fujiko.

Fujiko: yes but why? it never made any sense.

Goemon: confession time at the precinct: i loaned Zenigata my sword.

Pops: that sword was SWEET!!! i learned how to slide up and down a pole riding it.

Goemon: 13 is not an unlucky number for the Japanese...

Fujiko: i feel so disrespected right now. you know what? i'm not taking this shit anymore. i'm defecting from the Lupin gang, i'm gonna JOIN CAT'S EYE!!! Cat's Eye is now a Fearsome Foursome!!!

Cat's Eye: that's not a bad idea, with Fujiko as Team Leader we can't lose!!!

Fujiko: wait i gotta be the leader? that's too much work.

Dirg: defecating on Fujiko?

Fujiko: Alexa has spotted the virgin...

Lupin: this plan is a long con, it requires you to be a good actress, Fujiko. think you can do it? are you up for it?

Fujiko: i'm always up for it, Lupin, but you can't get it up. ACTING? i've faked my orgasms every time i was with you.

Suzy Lu: next time use a Scottish bedchamber.

Fujiko, scowling: are you sure this plan's gonna work. Lupin?

Lupin: cinch. the getaway car will be a 1980 Honda Civic, none shall be the wiser!!!

baby beige Cat's Eye: why'd you come back for me to save me? why didn't you leave me by the side of this mountain with my leg broke forever?

Lupin: you can jump higher than Mt. Fuji. it's because i can tell you're cute.

baby beige Cat's Eye: but you can't see. i'm obviously the tomboy of the group. is it blind love?

Lupin: no, you have a cute voice. you remind me of my kid sister.

baby beige Cat's Eye: you have a sister?

Lupin: i don't know, the manga hasn't finished, it's still going...

Nazi leader: their counterplan won't work, it's made by women.

Fujiko: that beige is very unflattering.

baby beige Cat's Eye: me?

Fujiko: no not you. you three girls gotta stand up for yourselves!!! no one's gonna do it for you. you gotta be a bitch like me in this fucking man's world or you won't survive. less timid tech talk, more oily greasy punches!!! 

Tsunade: all women have the Will of Fire!!!

at the catacombs.

Lupin: don't touch the skulls.

baby beige Cat's Eye: ewwww. these are our ancestors, buddy!!! what the hell.

Lupin: no wait you can touch them, they're buttons.........i'm pretty sure one of these skulls is my real mother, one my real father, one my real hot babysitter when i was a kid, and one my real name...

at the catacombs.

Lupin: this symbol we're all searching for looks like a clitoris.

Fujiko: it's called a vulva, Lupin. you don't know where the clitoris is, do you?

Jen R: it's called a Cat's Eye Nebula.

at the Indiana Jones underground pyramid.

Lupin: okay i'm gonna spread this blue tape all across your house here, defiling your home, i'm gonna write LIMITED USE on the tape, you can't use your faucets no more, you can't toilet-flush, you can't shower.

Nazi leader: THAT's your idea of a fixjob?!!! fuck you i'm gonna use all the water i want!!! we eat on clean plates not commemorative plates!!!

Lupin: see that's why you guys lost the war, the Japanese people are much more self-sacrificing for the greater one common good. 

Trinity: you gotta feed us water, we gotta have our waterbowls everyday drought or no drought or broken washer/dryer.

Goemon: gum up the works, stuff HEAVILY-QUILTED toilet paper down the broken pipe when you go to the bathroom four times in ten minutes.

Cat's Eye at the cafe looking at closed-circuit TV footage from the parking lot.

Cat's Eye: so it turns out all these paintings were PRIVATE paintings of our family, our real mom and dad, and our ancestors.

Jigen: just a thought, maybe don't broadcast your family albums on Instagram, you know? what's the point of a public family album?

Michael Weiss: but i am Everyman.

Takahashi: well at least they played the Cat's Eye 1980s end theme at the end here.........not any of the Charlie's Angels Jane Fonda dancing but at least the singing...

Suzy Lu: it was fun being a chambermaid.........that was not for anime cosplay.

Margaret Atwood: ...

Margaret Atwood raising her hand Horshack-style: OO OO OO. i mean at least consider the color red...

Suzy Lu: g'night folks.

Steejo: don't overwork yourself, lass. g'night wee ones aye.

Margaret Atwood and Kakashi: g'night folks.

Suzy Lu: good birthday today, aye?

me: aye. good birfday.

Amanda Bynes: it was good for me.........last year.

Jen R: wanna know why i'm in human circles and some cat circles referred to as Cat's Eye Nebula?

me: ummmmmmmmm.........it has something to do with the shape of your vulva?

Jen R whacks me about the head and face. and across my lips.

Jen R: no, you wack dolt!!! sorry, hon. but you are an idiot. it's the cat's-eye nebula tattoo on my butt!!! YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT!!! 

me: i promise that i will not talk about any orange cat-eyed porn stars from Mexico i used to know, Latina lovers, whom i may or may not have done scenes with at the monastery.