notes:
* that's rainbow fentanyl, not Flintstones vitamins...
* Michael Weiss: girls, don't be on Instagram instead of going to college...
* Kurt Cobain: my life was cut short. my life was kurt short. my life was cut kurt...
* Reggie Bush being filmed holding a hamburger: i GUAR-AN-TEE if you call it the Reggie Bag you will sell TRILLIONS of burgers...
* Rubikon: my grandma wants to visit Walt Disney World this weekend...
* Gladyce: just like with the cookies there's no point in having 2 strips of bacon in the morning, just have 1 bacon.
Doryce: that hurts...
* Eilat: a lot
* Hurricane Ian street shark: i'm mightier than a duck...
* house hippo: real. and hungry. real-y hungey.
* smart Europeans: the best time to travel is the last week of September...
* Jim Cantore doing cartwheels.
Florida homeowner: hey Jim, i know hurricanes are AWESOME to you...
Jim Cantore: hurricanes are RAD!!!
Florida homeowner: but to us hurricanes are scary, hurricanes are the unknown. i just lost my house. my retirement house. this is my first hurricane. i moved down here from Canada. i thought Florida was gonna be fun because i grew up watching The Golden Girls...
* Kyla Galer: the condom over my hurricane microphone? the Magnum tip over my weather microphone? i'm dating Milana Vayntrub's secret husband...
* Mountain Mike's Pizza: why do we have our big-screen TVs on all night in the store even though we're closed? the same reason our sauced boneless wings are $50 a pop...
* Tatiana: welcome to Carmel Barre!!! CarmelBarre if you're European. we're yoga in the woods next to a health-food bookstore. get here early cos we only open for one hour in the morning. there are no extra mats, just letting you know now. we still do Pilates, remember Pilates? don't worry, it's not just the brunch crowd, it's not just slim young single husbanded moneyed blonde white women holding Pumpkin Spice Lattes...
Mardith: you really see the hardcorers here, the people who have to work-out BEFORE work...
* Dupixent
father: daughter, with Dupixent you won't have to take steroids anymore.
daughter: but i WILL have to take steroids, dad, pickleball is BLOWING UP, soon there'll be courts all around the world and leagues and million-dollar contracts, i'll need to take steroids to keep being on top...
* Lowe's
woman: why isn't the touchscreen turning on?
Lowe's: don't knock on the glass.
man: why doesn't MY vacuum slide under the couch like this?
Lowe's: that's not a vacuum, that's a snake...
* Reese's: we're in the same parent company?
KitKat: we better be or this commercial will bankrupt both companies.
mom: what does this neighborhood block all lit up in orange and purple lights look like, boys?
boys: no idea.
mom: HELLO!!! nostalgia? '80s Halloween? do you see the neon Virgin Mary on my lawn?
girl: shoulda been smart, boys, dress up as the thing you want to eat.
boys: dress up as Kelly Ripa?
mom: gotta do better with the costumes, boys, nobody knows what a pirate is anymore. that chainmail is reminding me of...
knight: what?
mom: Sherman Oaks Magic Castle. did you ever ride those miniature Formula One cars, the Malibu Grand Prix?
boys: what did those cars run on?
mom: it was all electric back then...
* Samuel L. Jackson: heroes don't take the stairs.
man: but i bought a StairMaster online with a credit card i stole from you...
* Progressive replay
wife: you have one challenge flag left so go for it.
husband: actually i don't, i used that challenge flag to cover up the affair i'm having with your grandmother. it's not like that, i'm her kept boy, it's just a money thing...
* Progressive scream
son: i heard you scream, dad.
dad: that was your grandmother...
son: did you know Newton's Third Law isn't real? i learned that today on TikTok.
dad: it IS real, son, Newton's Third Law is about running backs.
son: using that French butter dish is not gonna work, dad, spiders love butter.
* The UPS Store: we're here for all your needs. when you need to cook the books in a hurry...
* Progressive training
Jamie: where's Naruto? oh yeah i'm Naruto.
rookies: is this your parking space?
Jamie: impressive, huh.
rookies: why is it inside an auction-block warehouse?
* GEICO: like our Alien movie? this Alien movie HAS the Ripley sex scene included...
happy weekend, my babies
so i got my car back FINALLY. a nightmare month of Hell without the car. but i still can't get food cos i have no money in the bank. the same bank that repossessed the car. i don't wanna do business with them no more. i have the car but i can't drive it cos i need the license plates and the DMV closes at 1. and the Sheriff's Office is in a forest. i don't have the right screws.........for the license plate, not the backseat. do you have to put a license plate in the FRONT, too?...
No comments:
Post a Comment