Friday, September 23, 2022

SAVANNAH GUTHRIE SAYS GOODBYE

 



notes:

* Savannah Guthrie: it's not a creepy crush, i know Roger Federer has a wife and kids, i have a husband and kids...
Ellen DeGeneres: yeah whatever i'm just doing everything in my power to distract America from the fact that i'm mean behind-the-scenes...
Simon Cowell: and a flake. i told you to keep Kelly Clarkson away from me...

* Roger Federer: hey look at that!!! i still got some POP on my serve!!! that immaculate serve of mine with the flawless Leonardo da Vinci hydraulics. what happens in tennis when the ball goes THROUGH the net?...

* Emma Watson: i am a paradox. more broadly, love is a paradox. like my earrings? my earrings show you that i've played the REAL next Zelda game before anyone else on Earth. i'm not into scuba-diving but i do it cos the wetsuit makes my butt look GOOD. that's not some Illuminati triangle-tower in the Amazon Forest i'm meditating on, it can't be, the Amazon Forest is gone, the Amazon Forest turned to stone. it's just my Miyazaki glider...

* Ime Udoka: call me what you will but EVERY SINGLE rapper and NBA player wanted Nia Long in the '90s and i was the one who actually GOT her.

* Scott Bakula: the United States Space Force anthem.........this is why the Quantum Leap reboot will fail...

* Frances Tiafoe: i bombed at Federer.........but i bombed at Nadal, too, so i was fair.

* Tatiana: sometic is the first stage of the lucid dream. avoid getting too far out from yourself and entering the somestic stage, you don't want to end up a domestic again in life...

* Doryce: SURPRISE!!! as promised, i made you an avocado chocolate mousse!!!
Gladyce: thank you, dear, i love you.........honestly i don't taste the avocado in here AT ALL.

* Dampfnudel: the wet spot on the beer stein after sex in the beer hall...

* Edisto Island: where the lightbulb was invented...

* Goku: i don't need to become God, i'm Goku.

* MBC and King Charles III: Laureles Grade's grade gets an A+ cos it's Mount Olympus...

* Iranian women: we need another Iranian Revolution of 1979 except IN TOTAL REVERSE. we gotta get back to Secular Hedonistic Iran.
Codrus: secular, not timeless.
Cotard: secular, not based on a monastic sect, glorious.

* MODY: better not be moldy!!!

* Reilly Opelka: LOOK HOW FREAKING TALL I AM!!! i look like a real-life Muppet but i mean that as a compliment. like Jim Henson sewed me with fabric himself.

* Etta James: security is more important than love. stability is more important than love.

* Macy's: the TA-DA MOMENT comes when we charge you invisible fees on your credit card and repossess your car...

* Lily from AT&T: they're making me wear this blue blazer business jacket...
LeBron James: jacket, get it?
Lily: teeheehee, that's funny.........hahahahahah, that is HILARIOUS!!! *breathing through her ears* hahahahahahha
LeBron: you laugh mischievously in a rasp like Muttley.

* Reggie Bush: no i don't care about the pretzel bun, i care about other buns. do you have the sex tape Kim Kardashian and i made? there's only one copy, on a VHS cassette...

* Apple Watch Series 8
Mardith: *sighs internally AHD externally* this watch measures your ovulation and incudes a free download of The Handmaid's Tale
Laertus: it also measures your REM sleep when you want this nightmare society we live in to be all a dream...

* T-Mobile iPhone 14 Pro and Apple TV+: this is not an ad for that horror movie Smile...

* Heisman House
Tim Tebow: i was the only sophomore to ever win the Heisman. no sophomore jinx for me in the NFL. my face is on the plates and dishes here like Obama on your mantle.
Baker Mayfield: i've done more commercials than Samuel L. Jackson...

* Apple: why didn't we ever fold our phones like Samsung does?
Steve Jobs: i was thinking about doing that right before i died. you see i was really into my waffle-maker...
me: for the record, therapy would be more fun if the psychiatry couch FOLDED UP like that and crushed its patients...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: those Royal Chicken Sandwiches from Burger King of course, i'm still knee-deep and curtsy-deep in The Queen's funeral.........wait.........oh yeah i keep forgetting.........i don't have a car anymore.........cos i got carjacked





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