Monday, September 5, 2022



be naked always. be a goddess. be a god. have a Mount Olympus even in your cramped cubicle workspace...

1. what do you wear to sleep in? sleep in as in sleeping. i WISH i could sleep more. i wish i could sleep 24 hours a day. okay 23 hours a day and some orange-and-black Froot Loops cos it's Halloween cereal. i sleep UNDER the bed. it's not a Dracula costume, it's my clothes...

2. do you ever walk around your own place naked? that is reserved for people who have earned it, people who have earned to walk around naked in nothing but a pilling cotton robe and fluffy bunny slippers pacing back and forth up and down the stairwell of their palace. what's known as mansion motion. people like Howard Stern and David Letterman.

3. have you ever answered the door naked? yes. Jake from State Farm was at my door, both of them. i once got a singing telegram and was disappointed that the man was not naked. he was dressed like Mr. McFeely. he didn't even have on a Land Shark costume, i mean you have to at least TRY.

4. what part of your body do you like to be on show? my two-headed penis. because maybe NOW i'll land that date with the chick with the three tits from Mars...

5. when sunbathing how much do you bare? nothing. i don't want the sun PEEPING at my jock. it's not good for my self-esteem but it's good for the planet's self-esteem i.e. health so the planet will continue living cos it has a reason to live. vanity can wait. i want the entire globe to be covered with a blanket.........since the Ozone Layer is no more. plus besides suntan lotion is EXPENSIVE at LUSH!!!

6. would you bare all on a naturist (nude) beach? i went on a naturist hike once with a Berkeley professor who sported a scruffy beard and a pickax in his jorts backpocket. we got along famously cos if i didn't i'd be a body in the woods. the whole time i thought naturist meant two nature scientists palling around shooting the breeze at a mountain breeze talking about Darwin's theory and the theory that it's just a theory. digging for Jurassic Park bones in amber and eating granola. NO IDEA about the nudity stuff.

7. have you ever flashed your bits in public? yes. i'm ashamed to admit this cos i'm a lifelong catlover but i once had a dog. so i lugged around a GIANT 1000-pound SACK of Kibbles 'N Bits dog food on my shoulder all day dancing at the Home Depot cos it was 100 degrees and there was no air conditioning inside the Home Depot which is ironic if you think about it. my chihuahua stared at me like i was crazy...

8. have you ever given a striptease? once. when i was auditioning for the role of Bette Midler in Beaches...

9. ever gone skinny dipping? alone or with others? skinny dipping is such a fascinating word. it's not called nude dipping or naked dipping, skinny implies so naked that you've actually gotten skinnier because all of your clothes are now off your body. i relate to skinny cos i'm skinny in real life. i went nightswimming with Michael Stipe. did you know Michael Stipe can yodel underwater? while we were there at that Georgia bog Michael wrote a song called "Tire Swing" which was cut from the album at the last minute for being too risque...

10. do you like to look at naked people or do you want to show off your nakedness? both. hard shell and soft shell when it comes to tacos. Seven of Nine the Borg babe from Star Trek went to a sex dungeon in San Francisco where i'm sure she was exposed to a lot of bodies wearing nothing but then she was asked to remove HER clothes as well. to fit in. she declined, saying she had metal parts. and then the BDSMers came out in their metal rings...

BONUS: sexually speaking, what's the furthest you would go with a partner in public? i'd ask her to marry me. i'd do it in the center of Centre Court at Wimbledon on the last Sunday with a packed house. Princess Diana watching Jim Courier and Pete Sampras duel it out with slugs. it'd be impossible for her to turn down THAT proposal, right? in front of everybody? 

have you had sex in public? on Centre Court, Wimbledon. there's a debate as to which is the GRANDEST tennis stadium in the world. what's the biggest stage? Arthur Ashe Stadium at Flushing in New York for the U.S. Open or Wimbledon's Centre Court. i still think Wimbledon wins by a whisker of a grass blade...



Jules said...

1: A sea of merit.

2: At night to show the moths who is boss.

3: Yes, from the other side of my ring doorbell

4: My toes. They are like little piggies.

5: My toes. They like to be roasty toasty.

6: I’d make my toes wiggle and the ladies would scream and then I’d have the beach all to my naturalistic self.

7: I have urinated in John Lewis toilets, so yes.

8: yes. bored now.

9: as above.

10: Everyone likes to look. We are voyeuristic by nature.

Bonus - I went as far as Tunisia

Bonus 2 - yes. And so have my toes


the late phoenix said...

1. Merit, the Buddhist concept. Mer de Glace, the Sea of Ice.

2. you need one of those moth-net hammocks

3. one time i saw MYSELF at the door of my Ring doorbell...

4. only last week did i realize This Little piggy Went To Market is not talking about a pig pushing a shipping trolley at the grocery store...

5. i want to suck your toes

6. now THAT is pigs in a blanket

7. i want to see THAT in the next John Lewis Christmas advert

8. please do a striptease for me, my sweet

9. it only counts as skinny dipping if the water is 130 degrees below zero

10. that Tool music video "Vicarious"

BONUS: Tunisia is where Lupin III is right now!!! great hummus over there.

i love you, mah dahlin


Smu Doodle said...

What I'd like to know; is it true that Berkeley professors shit on bears in the woods?

Asking for a friend

the late phoenix said...

smu: yep, they all go on Cal Golden Bears. and all professors think they're Popes.