Wednesday, September 14, 2022



Laney: throughout history.........well throughout St. Cyril's history there has always been deference given to the Virgin Mary. the first St. Cyril's statue EVER was calved like an ice glacier from a block of milky creamy alabaster. this is very much a Marian church. 
Gerry: yes, i see the Mary Garden on my walk along the sidewalk every time i come here. i'm always here first cos i'm the choir director. i'm here, like, an HOUR before everyone else rustling through my papers.
Harrison: that is such a sight!!! sexy, too. i'm not that kind of fellow but i am noticing that the Mary statue is unusually VOLUPTUOUS inside that robe, she's got big tits and wide hips. and she's not wearing any sandals, she's barefoot for the foot fetishists, was that your work?
Ryan Stiles: yes, i have a chisel in my zipper pocket AND i'm happy to see you. late at night i come to the Mary statue and chisel away, carving it into the modern woman Mary deserves to be. you have to understand, this choir IS my life i have no other life. this is it. you 3 are my whole world. i do nothing else. when i'm not choiring, i'm thinking about tinking. the thinker tinker. i'm thinking about the next songs we're gonna sing at practice the next day. my whole week is geared toward Sunday, the rest of the week i'm scared of myself having too much idle time.

Laney: our GLORIOUS GORGEOUS GREEN Mary Garden!!! it's a tourist trap of beauty the world over like the Taj Mahal. Queen Diana once paid a visit here. 
Queen Diana: this is WAY more lush than Green Park in London!!! i have the soaps in my pocket to prove it!!!
Laney: people from all over the globe come here to flock and pick fights. it's a sacred spot. i maintain it, i trim the hedges and swing the vines and tend to the roses when the gardeners aren't looking.
gardeners: honestly, go nuts.
Laney: i scrape any bubblegum from off the Mary and make sure i shine her smile. i feed the bees Honeycomb cereal and let Tony the Tiger loose from his cage at 3PM for AYSO soccer practice. the best thing i do is i remove that horrid UXORIOUS UNDERHILLS sign the skateboard punks always put up as an initiation prank. Mary is the exact OPPOSITE of uxorious, she's a feminist babe who didn't need no man cos God Himself was literally her man. one day i hope to put up a LUXURIOUS LANEY sign under Mary's feet.

Gerry huddles the fellas together before practice.
Gerry: gentlemen, we have a problem. look, guys, we all want to fuck Laney. so what are we gonna do about this?
Ryan Stiles: foursomes are good for team morale. like a basilica barbershop quartet.
Harrison: i propose a toast. i mean a challenge. a contest. whoever comes up with the best place to take Laney to dinner wins. i propose McDonald's.
Gerry: i propose McDonald's.
Ryan: i propose McDonald's.
Harrison: yeah the McDonald's that is just a block away from the church.

Frances Tiafoe: i had to play Nadal.........and then i had to play Young Nadal.

King Charles III approaches the church lectern.
King Charles from the lectern: i'm sick of marching. as my first official act as Sovereign, i shall flip the bird at a bird. 
bird: but i'm an inkbird!!!
King Charles: a pesky pigeon that got in my hair. 

Charles: it's my job to keep the UK intact and together. united Kingdom, i'm the king of this kingdom, i just worked that out this morning...

King Charles: bloody leaky pen.........i'm not talking about my penis.

King Charles: think of the Monarchy as a Moulin Rouge.
Kelly Ripa in the Confessional box: i passed out during sex with Mark Consuelos.
Father Navin: because it was so good? or because you have a medical condition?
Kelly Ripa: have you ever blacked out during sex, Father? 
Father Navin: as long as GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is on your lips during the sex act, it's all kosher.
Mark Consuelos: we were both thinking about that English-language video-course soap-opera i was in.

Doritos at coffee and donuts: when you think of Doritos what's the first thing you think of?.........a marriage proposal, yes.

King Charles riding a horse into church: wait, i don't get a grand lush 7-hour Crowning Ceremony Coronation in black-and-white like MaMa did? the good news is my Accession Ceremony looks like the queue you line up in to get into Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyland.

King Charles: wait hold up, the Koh-i-Noor diamond in my crown is MISSING!!!!!!!!!

King Charles: if Serena Williams had been in the Final of her final U.S. Open, i would have been there in the stands at Arthur Ashe Stadium.

Israel Horovitz: see? i'm not a stodgy old director. i'm cool. my son is Ad-Rock from the Beastie Boys. 

Iga Swiatek: can i get the $2 million in cash?.........i got some temptations to explore in the Polish sections of New York City tonight.

the Royal Beekeeper travels across the planet to the apiary hidden in the hedges.
Royal Beekeeper: which hedge was it? right the green one. no the yellow-and-black one, got it. it's in the hole of that wax tree with the spigot made from a sucker branch. The Queen is dead long live The Queen i mean King. 
bees: that sucks. but oh well, we still have Angelina Jolie.
Royal Beekeeper: you have Liz Truss.
bees: we don't feel like making honey anymore. we are not in a honey mood.

Princess Margaret at the church lectern: i want it to be known that i will not be marrying Group Captain Peter Townsend.
Peter Townsend: well that sucks. who? The Who? why do i keep receiving smashed guitars in the mail? 
Gerry: Group Captain, that's like a Choir Captain.
Princess Margaret: this damn crown on my head is forcing me not to marry the love of my life. i will never be the same after this. i will never know happiness. from this decision on, my life will go downhill. this decision will cause my 5 strokes until i eventually die. it is not lost on me that i make this decision on Halloween...

in the pews Madame Pons hugs her sister Madame Exorcist from Inuyasha... 

C+C Music Factory dancing on the altar: is this mic on? this mic can't be dubbed, okay? just so you know before we start. no that's not the Red Hot Chili Peppers logo, our logo is cooler. we simply decided to put music to our daily aerobics routine.

Beth Cahill with a blue Virgin Mary rose in her hair: i could totally play Suzanne Vega when the time comes to make the movie.

Aaron Rodgers up in the cheap seats: i believe in don't believe me? okay let me try to win you over by being cool. i did Ayahuasca. with shamans. i was trying to do an Altered States. i was trying to be Bill Hicks.

Steve Jobs at a CVS on the church field trip: why is printer ink SO GOD-DAMN EXPENSIVE?!!! why is the printer ink BEHIND GLASS?!!! this was NOT the world i envisioned.

U.S. Open 2022: Federer vs. Nadal...

Just Jaeckin: get it?

Burger King: our Royal Crispy Chicken's a coincidence, we swear!!!

Melbourne: i miss the Carmel Car Show. it's the only place to see whitewall tires anymore.

Pom Poko: Care Bears done right...

Suzy Lu and Kakashi sit in the Church of Scotland pews for married couples.
Suzy Lu: i'm okay with people watching porn.
Kakashi: that what YOU do?
Suzy Lu: i mean, yes, sometimes, inbetween videos when i get bored as they take a day to upload.
Kakashi: i wish i could have become a millionaire simply by watching anime like you did.
Suzy Lu: *smiling with her teeth fixed* it's mad, right? WHO NEEDS SCHOOL?!!!
Kakashi: .........but i didn't. so i need to get back to work as a rogue village ninja now.

Croton: home of croutons. and Communion host wafers. in Upstate New York.

Alcaraz: they tried to lock me up in Alcatraz to keep me from getting the #1 ranking. but i was too young to go to Alcatraz.

Mayhem from Allstate at the grade-school soccer grounds: i'm the mascot. my oversized head is of Keanu Reeves.........because he will always be a better actor than me.

Madame Pons: i suddenly have a crush on Patrick be your too-personal self, Pat, you overshare, boy!!! join me in the tub for some bath-bomb bazooms.

Laura Trevelyan: sorry i like the Allman Brothers. i take Orange Sunshine inbetween news breaks. i threw my phone in the box and broke it before anyone noticed the music playing at the top of the BBC America News intro. i hope i don't get fired for this, it was improper during The Queen's least it wasn't porn sounds.
Suzy Lu: ...
Suzy Lu: this is why Scotland is leaving the Union...

Father Navin inviting the invocation of Blessing of the Hands to the altar: ajuinnata. it's a word that means real inner strength, fortitude. nothing to do with courage gained through marijuana.
Shia LaBeouf: DO IT!!! SAY THE WORD!!! SUMMON!!! DO IT!!!
Father Navin: ajuinnata.
Shia: *shouting in church which creates vibrations* no, AJUINNATA!!!!!!!!!

Father Navin: the T-strap, not just for shoes, you must exercise on The Cross...

Mariel Hemingway: i'm Susan Dey, right?

St. Cyril's is the home of Queen Elizabeth II's funeral. the pageantry is electric as The Queen makes her way down the aisle. not in the cortege, on her own power.
Queen Elizabeth II: you see this aqua-blue can of beans i hold in The Royal Gloved Hand before you? no it's not Britain's wind energy. the beans feel like velvet. Heinz Beanz has been renamed Queenz Beanz!!! do you really want my son's big ears on the money now?

The Queen: so i go down to the store during the Royal Procession cos i'm quite peckish by now. i make a beeline to the pasta section, i'm so tiny i could sleep in the shelves. there's no spaghetti. all the spaghetti is gone. you ever notice that? ALL of the rest of the pastas are there: the shells, the bowties, the balls. nobody wants any of the other pastas, they just want the spaghetti.  

The Queen: i very much appreciate Scotland, i love those Sherlock Holmes dunes!!! do you see how SILENT the Scottish guards are who vigil my casket? i love that, it's so regal, so immense, the quiet is so LOUD it's spiritual. no words are spoken, it's just the FULL BREADTH OF SILENCE that confronts you as you pass by to gawk at my coffin. file by the funeral. the SILENCE OF GODDESS. the Silence of Fuerza.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Dyan Cannon: fire the cannon for the queen. i'm basically the same woman as Angie Dickinson......... but i ain't no basic bitch *laughs*
Al Pacino: anybody ever tell yous yous have a weird laugh?
Dyan Cannon: *laughing in a weird way* i have a weird laugh?
Pacino: yeah. it's very demoralizing when you and i are making love on a bearskin rug by the fireplace and instead of orgasming you laugh in that weird-laugh way of yours...

Eye Luggage: Lupin III: The First and go.
Jigen: who's your mom? your REAL mom? your origin-story mom?
Lupin III: Tomoe.........but that was a fake-out, Tomoe was LIKE a mom to me.........but then she was my biological mom IN A WAY...

Takahashi with his Takahashi Trapper Keeper: the animation. the 3DCGI animation is BRILLIANT.
Dirg: i found it CREEPY. it's TOO realistic. hyper-realistic.
Takahashi: but aren't you into deepfakes?
Dirg: of real people, not cartoons.
Ralph Bakshi: this is rotoscope, it's gotta be. the movements are too perfect. the eye expressions are making me cry. the butts, the tushes, the tuckuses, they're squeezable. and i have squeezed each and every one of them in my office. i invented rotoscope you know...

Eye: i reluctantly have to agree with Ralph here. how did Ralph get a key to the church? the emotion is so HUMAN, the motion is so fluid, i thought i was looking at real actors. this was better than Avatar. this is the FUTURE, soon there won't be any more need for real actors, just computer everything and it'll be BETTER.
Tom Cruise: ...

Laertus: i mean.........Nazis. Nazis, you know? why'd it have to be Nazis. if you go the Nazi route, you better BRING it or it'll blow up in your face and get cancelled on Twitter before anybody has a chance to see it.
Jerry Lewis: that's what happened with MY Nazi movie. and there wasn't Twitter yet...

Fujiko: as with any new Lupin movie the ONLY thing that matters is how I am drawn. how are they gonna design me, impossibly voluptuous like the Virgin Mary? exactly how many threads of clothes am i allowed to wear? can the human body bounce like that THERE? i gotta say.........with this one, i'm rather NONDESCRIPT, i'm pretty fully-clothed, you can't really tell that i'm some bombshell, some INSANELY ravishing sexpot.........i don't know if i like just being the group ginger.

Laetitia Lambert: i just have a weird name, you know? i mean look at my face, i do NOT look like a Laetitia. and it's Laetitia spelled with that extra a. i dunno, does a Laetitia have freckles?...

John Lennon: remember, it's the 1960s here, but it's Nazi-occupied France. if i had been born 20 years before there wouldn't have been Nazis.
Orson Welles: the Showa era, the time of Japanese gangsters, biplanes, archaeologists, and pocketwatches. hey is this a Dan Brown/Nic Cage picture? i would have liked to have worked hard for either gentleman.

Melbourne: that iconic yellow Fiat 500 tho. i mean Bumblebee from Transformers.  

Ahnenerbe: a SCOURGE upon the Earth, NOT AT ALL like bees.

Bonnie Tyler in a Welsh uniform: put me in, coach. 

Lupin: we're dealing with WWII-level codebreakers here. it's gonna be hard to crack the case.
Laetitia: are you Lupin or Conan?
Lupin: we did a crossover once. what do you think the password is?
Laetitia: LAETITIA.
Lupin: nah, too obvious. it's obviously LUPIN.........but spelled LOUPON...

Laetitia: BRESSON DID NOT WORK FOR THE NAZIS!!! he was like Nietzsche in that regard...

Lupin: don't you love how i LAUGH in this movie with my eyes closed and my mouth wide open showing my teeth?
Dyan Cannon: ...
Suzy Lu: ...

Laetitia: are you coming on to me? sexual assault in a cartoon? you can't rape me, you're a GENTLEMAN thief!!!
Lupin: some would say a regular hero...

Laetitia: wait, let me just get into my Tomb Raider thigh-high beige cargo shorts so i can archeology better cos my butt will be on display.

Dr. Wily: i'm the villain. i'm her grandpa. maybe. i look like if Dr. Wily was REAL...
Lupin: why are you always SCOWLING? your rubber face will freeze like that...

Lupin: i've worn many masks to escape Pops. 
Zenigata: yes but i want to talk to the Lupin face because you're my son, Lupin...
Lupin: i can't face that.

Goemon: wait, my sword was RUBBER this whole time?

Laetitia: grandfather, i know you're family but i don't want to be a thief anymore. i don't want to do "odd jobs" for you anymore. i thought "odd jobs" meant getting printer ink at CVS at midnight.
Lambert: you want to go to Boston University? everyone in Boston is a thief. hello? TEA, anyone?

Laetitia: how can i get into Boston U without a scholarship? you ripped up my SAT scores.
Lambert: my dear it's high time you learned the ways of the world. change into these butt-hugging cargo shorts...

Tyzik: i LOVE how the plane's logo on its side is the Boston Market logo!!!

Geralt: whatever you do, don't give that red-headed woman a machine gun. are you sure this is a photo of Hitler?
Lambert: it's photoshopped but yes.
Geralt: he looks like John Cleese in a wheelchair.

Lupin: with this Eclipse energy, we can power all our electric cars. but all our electric cars can only be powered by the sun. Eclipse energy is moon energy.
Elon Musk: run by the sun? don't blame me, blame Biden. i'm Elon Mush, R.I.P. to the Iditarod...
Lupin: there's just enough Eclipse energy to make some mole and some primary Aztec coffee.

Olmec: you found me, Lupin.

John Cleese: it's not a good look for me that i'm a right-winger and i look like Hitler. no, the Fourth Reich isn't in South America, Boys of Brazil is a coffee brand.

Laetitia: grandfather, i'm waiting for your Darth Vader vs. Palpatine moment. you gotta save me, i'm blood.
Lambert: no, you're not related to me at all. i raised you, fed you, clothed you, and sent you away to college because i wanted your password.
Laetitia: the password was LOVE.
Lambert: i have a PhD in robotics. Mega Man must be stopped. it's easier to deal with fictional evil.

Zenigata: work with the enemy? work with Lupin? only if i get a pair of TENNIS SHOES!!! my feet are KILLING ME after 55 years!!!
Zenigata: hey, how come Lupin and Fujiko never made a Lupin IV? where's the baby?
Lupin: copyright.
Fujiko: i'm not attracted to Lupin, he's too skinny.
Zenigata: word of warning, the Interpol helicopter has TWO spinning rotors so it'll be a bumpy ride...

Lupin: NOPE, i won't wear the Hitler mask...

Geralt: wait, black holes are REAL?!!!
Geralt is holding on by a thread of Fujiko's clothes.
Lupin: hang on. i'm a hero, remember? what's your favorite song?
Geralt: that sandstorm song...
Lupin: no the correct answer is that Kansas song about dust.........cos you're about to become dust. 
Geralt, falling: and i always thought i had the new Gestalt in me...

Laetitia: can i get a kiss?
Lupin: i would but.........James Bond never kissed his women and i'm the Japanese James Bond. there's still Paheal for that sort of thing.

Queen Elizabeth: catafalque is a fun word to say. it's not dirty. my catafalque catapulted me to Heaven. want a bier?
Mardith: you're into 222, too?
Queen Elizabeth: 2:22.
Mardith: you're a right manifesting monarch!!! a bitchin' British babe!!!
Queen Elizabeth: thank you.
Gladyce and Doryce: we bow to Crone Prime!!!
Queen Elizabeth: thank you. you witches, here, take my sceptre, i don't need it anymore. g'night folks.



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