Friday, September 16, 2022

BUGS





notes:

* Natalie Portman: i had to ballet like an eight-legged spider for my Black Swan audition...

* MBC: every human brain looks like Mexican cream cheese you buy at a tienda. Mexican cream cheese is better than butter. save the coral.

* ladybug: what you call Heaven is really just one big acid trip...

* me: okay i gotta say, this may be the BEST thing i've ever seen on Off The Air, it's brilliant, it's a graphic novel come to life. 
girl: if butterfly ashes land on your tongue, it's good luck.........for the butterflies. i want the butterflies to have company in death, i don't want them to feel alone, after all their lives are so short. sometimes i think the butterflies are the lucky ones, they don't have to suffer for 100 years. i just wanted to be loved, but my mother loved Camel cigarettes. i can't blame her, those Camel filters are so SOFT AND SPONGY. a black veil even in America. now i eat my mother's ashes for breakfast each morning and i feel close to her for the first time. it's a good thing she was cremated. i'm Daria from MTV in real life. and with real pencil-eraser-nub tits. all a butterfly wants is to be a caterpillar that belongs...

* if Smiling Friends and YOLO: Crystal Fantasy were combined...
ants: leave us alone and we won't ruin your picnic. we're the black seeds of a watermelon and the black seeds on your bagel.........never mind, guys, we can't beat two teenagers with phones!!! oh shit this is turning into the Fantastic Planet ending!!!

* mosquito: it's not blood to us, it's Cherry Kool-Aid.........both meanings. this is what happens when MAD Magazine gets animated...

* Power Rangers: whoa!!! Off The Air has a BUDGET now!!! they're able to film in New Zealand!!!
guy in car: just recreating that Mars Volta album cover.
guy: listen to this cassette tape.
other guy: with what?
guy: a pencil. 
Pink Belly: what happens after McDonald's...
skipping girl: do girls skip anymore?...
cassette tape: do not skip me...

* Moth Man from Instagram: i'm still missing. Missing Moth Man. the prettiest bug of the bunch? the one with wings of glass and fur...

* Steve Harvey: you've won Publishers Clearing House!!! nobody knows what Publishers Clearing House is!!! this is not a prank, even though it's done on Halloween. what does being a TV Personality entail?...

* Phoenix: getting a covid shot hits different but only if you receive that beautiful RED Walgreens bandage...

* Kevin Hart: DAMN. Don Cheadle has a gambling problem...

* Cecily Strong: didn't you retire because you were fucking exhausted of show biz?
Adam Scott: yeah but Severance is the type of show you wait your whole life for, a watercooler show that comes along once in a lifetime. i was only tired of the Cartoon Network Toonami [adult swim] shit.
Cecily Strong: i should have left SNL ten years ago. now i have to do Season 6 over again...

* Amazon Prime: you never watched football on Thursdays anyway...

* Modelo: being a sports fan is harder than being a celebrity barber, or Mr. Cartoon. especially if you're a fan of the Cleveland Browns or Djokovic...

* line monitor: it's not about keeping the people in line, keeping them in order, keeping the people in line from fighting each other, it's about keeping the line straight.
Dr. Rick: we don't need someone to tuck the line in. tuck it in, sir.
man: my shirt?
Dr. Rick: your penis.

* Accenture: your crops will only grow with rainbow water...

* Greykid and Toily: awww, poor Chewy. and he's a dog. poor little Benji Toto guy out in the rain getting wet under a tent abandoned by that stupid human family.
dad: why am i a divorced dad?
kids: cos you look like Jon Lovitz.
dad: okay, it's time to take my daughter and my son to prom in this car. kids, i'm just.........never gonna remarry, it's just not in the cards for me, so instead the dog and i are going to a destination wedding in Grand Cayman where we do a Where's Waldo scavenger hunt on the beach...

* Ram Trucks moments:
dad: son, your body is changing...
son: and?
dad: i don't know the rest...

* JB Smoove: wanna play charades?
Peyton Manning: that's a kid's game.
JB: bro you made MILLIONS OF DOLLARS playing a fucking kid's game!!!

* Mardith: The Queen has empath energy. 
Queen Elizabeth II: thank you, i have the original empath energy inside me, i got Eclipse energy.

* Roger Federer: does anybody remember me?.........does ANYBODY remember me at all?.........does anybody remember that i was a person who existed?...

* Simona Halep: it's not a nosejob...

* Roger Federer at the Two Rivers Cafe: what am i gonna do with myself now? the only job open to me is as a nefarious Swiss spy on Archer...

* Rolex: the oyster case, when you need to eat her out on time...

* Wanda Stevenson: i'm the trans trailblazer no one talks about...

* Bjorn Borg: Republicans buy Fila tennis shoes, too.........you never heard me say that because i have never talked once...

* Roger Federer: why is my Farewell Message a static radio address? it's like i'm back in the 1950s during The Golden Age of Radio and The Queen's just been crowned...

* Princeton: WE'RE NUMBER 1!!! WE'RE NUMBER 1!!!.........but it ain't no fun no more ever since the women left...

* Prince William: remember when we had a "cyber relationship"?
Britney Spears: yeah.
Prince William: we were kids. we were innocent. we were using AOL Mail...
Britney Spears: i wish i had married you, Will. i need to live out my days in a castle, stay in a castle the rest of my life because i have AN ENTIRE LIFETIME OF HEALING AND DEPROGRAMMING to do...

* Queen Elizabeth: i LOVED my Rolls-Royce Phantom IV.
Takahashi: ME, TOO!!!
Queen Elizabeth: and now i'm the phantom queen.........lurking in the shadows...

* Goody Paul at The Weather Channel: the Westerlies winds share the shear.........that hurricane is toast.........West Side!!!

* Macy's: what's the point of a One Day Sale?

* Danny Trejo: for National Sober Day, have a horchata.........i always thought horchata contained rum...

* Pizza Girl: i'm Pizza Girl. i'm Caroline D'Amore. i eat my lunch every noon on the sprawling green lush lawns of Golden Gate Park in San Francisco. a salad with pizza bits. do you know that pizza was the first vegan food?...
Mardith: you're too froufrou even for ME to be friends with.

* Arrow singing his song "Hot Hot Hot": me mind on fire/but very soon/it won't be that hot/all da people/are in asylums/time for Autumn cots

* Sauvie Island: it seems plain, but remember, Washed Out swam here...

* lucid dreams: the only virtual reality that matters

* Michael Jackson: i wore my Cringer shirt for the "Beat It" music video...
Cringer: Gen Z scares me...

 

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: the Royal Chicken Sandwiches at Burger King!!! CAN'T WAIT TO TRY THEM!!! i'm gonna try the Bacon & Swiss one first. and then the rest of them, all 10 flavors.........oh wait i forgot i don't have a car anymore.
Queen Elizabeth II: you can use MY car...





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