Charles III: we gotta slim down the monarchy. a slimmed-down monarchy. and i am the one to implement that. so let's start with the menu i mean diet. from now on everyone in the Royal Household can only eat SlimFast shakes. no more eggs benedict.
Queen Diana: i...actually approve of this...
Charles: you see what's going on with these monster hurricanes?!!! i TOLD Y'ALL all this WAY before Steve Jobs did!!! but no one listened to me cos i got big ears. if I can listen with these ears the WORLD can!!! William, how are the solar panels on every church roof in the world going?.........where's William?
Harry: he's gone. he abdicated to marry Meghan Markle, who divorced me.
Charles: you know Harry when i say SLIMMED DOWN i'm referring to YOU. you're fat, son.
Harry: that's what happens when you don't care anymore. when you're stripped of your royal rank and uniform.
Charles: that's why you gotta get motivated again, son!! you gotta get on the Peloton!!! not the one in France, the one on top of the roof of the Church of ENGLAND!!!Harry: PELOTON!!! YAY!!! oh wait, i thought that was something else. something to do with lining up to fight a war...
Charles: get your fat arse on the stationary bike and PEDAL, BITCH. Charlie's in charge now, yeah?
Scott Baio: i'm running for President...
Charles: i gotta toughen you up, Harold. like my dad did with me. my dad let the bullies stretch my ears. when you get done sweating to the oldies i want you to help me use all the water generated by the world's hurricanes to make one scotch egg which i will formally introduce into the British menu...
me: you know, looking back on my life, i am SO SAD i was never able to help out my mom. whenever she needed to go somewhere far away in an emergency i couldn't drive her cos I COULDN'T DRIVE.
Tatiana at her massage parlor: why am i blindfolded? kinky kinky.
Mardith: no it's not like that. i'm spinning you around so you lose direction. i don't want you seeing who's in charge of your massage parlor now.
Tatiana: wait i'm being replaced?
Mardith: the temp temps for the temp. all work in life is temp work. i don't want you seeing her, this woman is INSANELY GOOD-LOOKING, lips and hips and violet-vinyl-leather-pants and everything. i'm afraid she'll come between us, she's gonna steal you from under me.
Tenaya 7 from Power Rangers: you mean like that meme with the Kardashian man in the 4th-grade-Scholastic-book-fair Ferrari who's coming to steal yo girl?
Daria: there were no book faires at Renaissance faires cos there were no books back then...
Mardith: hello, Tenaya 7, you're looking rather ravishing this time period.
Tenaya 7: relax, i do want to be under you cos i want a massage from you. besides, i was just gonna propose a threesome.
Mardith: oh yeah a threesome. i was so blinded by silent jealous rage i didn't even think of that possibility.
Tenaya 7: right?
Tatiana: yeah. i'm in, we're in...
Tenaya 7: you see if i am satisfied sexually i won't destroy the world cos i'm actually one half of a twin pair that is needed to replenish all the planet's resources after a nuclear war that wipes out all the power on the electric-car grid...
Ryan Stiles: are you sure this is how wind energy works? i have to stand outside attached to this wind turbine as it spins me upside-down round-and-around like i'm some scarecrow or something?
Gerry: i mean you really do look like a scarecrow without makeup.
Harrison: i'm too short and stubby to do this.
Laney: i know, you won't impress me by dodging.
Harrison: dammit. story of my life. dodging this and that left and right, not getting the girl.
Laney puts her hand on Harrison's shoulder.
Harrison: that feels oh so good, yeah, your hand smells nice.
Laney: cheer up, Harrison, those skills will one day land you a Frogger.
Laney: LOOKING GOOD UP THERE RYAN STILES!!! you're practically Christ on the Cross at this point!!!
Tim Tebow genuflecting: i converted to Cyberpunk Christianity. after Kaylee Hartung interviewed me with her hard tongue and glass eye...
Rulon Gardner praying on hay: the biggest star i met was President Bush...
The Chunnel is at the nave.
The Chunnel: a very expensive carwash.
The Chunnel: a very expensive rollercoaster.
The Chunnel: all aboard all Rulons!!! rule on, Rulon!!! rule like Charles III. Rulon is a very cool distinctive name.
Russian Mountains: the first rollercoaster. back when Russia was fun. back when Russia was all about Christmas and The Nutcracker from The Nutcracker and kids in mittens sliding down ice slides outside.
Moscow Metro: the trains arrive on time silently...
Roger Federer: i've fucked on the Glacier Express...
Square Pegs: wannabe American Degrassi
GoBots on the Sunday-school TV screen: we were Transformers mixed with Scooby-Doo and a little Wacky Races and Jonny Quest sprinkled in there for flavor.
Berwin Berwick: i'm out of Eight-Thousander Pepper.........you can't get pepper on its own, you have to buy the salt twin, too...
Berwin Berwick: R.I.P. Hilaree Nelson.
Michael Jackson: I was one of the GoBots!!! yeah, the one with the long black STRAIGHT hair!!!
NASA: if only NASA was as interesting as the NASA in GoBots...
Matt Hunter: scientists shouldn't buy mansions like that...
Dirg in the church bathroom: that poo i just did in there was so hard my head is spacey now...
Kevin Spacey: ...
Kevin Spacey: you could say it was a holy poo...
Beelzebufo in the holy-water fount: i'm a truly terrifying concept.
Hypnotoad in the Ark of the Covenant: i know, at least i'm warm and fuzzy.
Hotei: hotel in the mists, in the misty mountains, fishwich in the fog, nor'easter in Nepal, rip current in Rhode Island...
Soup Nazi at coffee and donuts: NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!
Richard Nixon: ...
Richard Nixon working the church soup kitchen: ...
Hurricane Hermine: that would have been a more exotic name than Ian...
Spencer Grammer: i'm not a legacy hire, i swear. mmmkay? you never heard of me till now. i only did Rick and Morty to get laid. i'm not a sorority sister nor a frat girl. i am a female frat boy. you'll get used to my grating voice eventually. i know, Summer Smith is the most annoying cartoon character of all time, i realize this and i'm sorry.
Helga G. Pataki: at least i did all MY shit for love. and i come from a very prominent New York City family...
Spencer Grammer: were you the O.G.? the original G.?
Ganon: Detroit-style pizza, the fire-burnt crust corners, the fire produced by my nostrils, don't cut corners on the corners of that crust, the triangle, the True Triforce, the REAL next Zelda game.
quartermaster outside on the church lawn: this lawn is the field of battle. i'm like the quarterback of the army...
ginger Doctor Who Companion: want a quarter hamburger from McDonald's? i ain't bovvered.
Codrus: Harry Monk, hairy monk, not the man, the lifestyle...
Kenyatta in the 6th-Grade classroom with Ms. Krause: i'm a teacher now, Ms. Krause inspired me. why does the Kumon happy-face look so concerned?...
Doryce: don't do a weak shopping at The Store, dear, do a week shopping you haven't done in years...
Hurricane Ian: all the I storms get retired, the eye storms.
Stephanie Abrams: i'm a fan of the Los Angeles Dodgers, what can i say? i love wearing their blue helmets. i like 3 scoops of helmet ice cream. the Dodgers are a LOCK to win the World Series this year...
Jim Cantore: A CHRISTMAS TREE JUST SMACKED ME IN THE FACE!!! that's it, that's my tree this year!!! thank you, Hurricane Ian, that is very kind, saves me from having to go Christmas shopping this year...
Charlie Brown: ...
Anna Gantt: i'm Anna Gantt, not Anna Gaunt.
MrBeast: i'm running for President. YouTube has made complete nobodies our new world leaders.........is this a good thing for the world?.........history would indicate that it is not and i should probably stop talking.
MrBeast: i mean i was gonna be an anonymous carpenter until YouTube came along and gave me millions of dollars to do nothing. don't worry, it's not a Sign of the Beast thing, i'm a Christian, i'm gonna give away my millions like Robin Hood once i take office...
Rod Laver: you could be a movie star.
Roger Federer: thanks. i directed the Kill Bill pre-sequel Kill Kyrgios which divided audiences.
Rod Laver: yeah that Nick Kyrgios, he could be a good actor, he's got the charm and charisma, but not the work ethic. he's like Shia LaBeouf.
Shia LaBeouf: tis true, i don't work at all. i don't put in the work, i get by on natural acting talent. i got naturals in me. i don't even try anymore.
Kyrgios: what are we doing here? which one am i starring in? The Gods Must Be Crazy for Lifetime? or the Avatar sequel that won't be shown in theaters, the one that'll be canceled to save money.
Roger: who do you look like?
Rod Laver: Lollipop Guild.
Hilma af Klint dancing on the altar: if i had an m in my name like a man i'd be recognized as a genius like Klimt. everyone's a critic. and everyone's a mystic. just by being human and alive you are a mystic...
Eye Luggage: Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind and go.
Shia LaBeouf: i was in this classic cartoon. i forgot about that.
Dirg: this movie made me nauseous.
Eye: oh come on, man, this film is a masterpiece of epic proportions.
Dirg: no i meant cos riding on the glider made me seasick.
Hayao Miyazaki: the greatest thing i've ever done in my life was sending Harvey Weinstein a katana...
Alison Lohman: remember me? i'm a mom now, which is much better than being an actress, much more stable, i'm settled. my name sounds like toothpaste...
Nausicaa: okay so the while glider thing. my glider's bitchin', it's awesome, it's rad. so rad in fact that a real Japanese man actually built this glider IN REAL LIFE!!! was it flyable? hell if i know. i hope he didn't crash into any buildings or anything.
Miyazaki: yeah people on Chinese twitter keep bustin' my balls over when the new Zelda game's getting completed and beta-tested. hell if i know, everyone's confusing me with the Zelda guy!!!
Miyamoto wearing a game-worn Aaron Rodgers jersey: R-E-L-A-X. i wish i had designed sports video games instead. don't worry, it's coming. i make all the entertainments. Zelda's gonna be better than ever. well, Link will be better than ever anyway. Link's glider is gonna be made of metal this time...
Nausicaa: i mean what's up with my clothes? you have me flying my glider and place the camera in a DIRECT UPSKIRT position. it's a good thing i wear stockings when i fly. do you want the public to see my butt? to see my vijayjay? the director told me not to wear panties...
Nausicaa: and why does a girl so young have such big tits?...
Miyazaki: i'm not the director. of those decisions. i just draw.........it was an homage to Kiki's Delivery Service, okay? an innocent homage...
Mardith: is the manga better with the upskirt stuff?
Eye Luggage: i'm scared to look.
Patrick Stewart: i just farted. i pooted. wind, get it? i'm Lord Yupa, the old man with the stylish grandiose wizard-cowboy conical leather hat. i've always wanted to know what i'd look like with a beard.........and a bald head under my hat.
Dirg: you sound like you enjoy slurping yogurt.
Shia: i'm Asbel. kick my ass at the bell...
Mario Lopez: ...
Uma Thurman: i'm Kushana. i'm very jealous and suspicious. i smoke weed. i make for the perfect Lars von Trier female villain...
Lars von Trier: well i'd term it that you are the perfect Lars von Trier heroine...
Uma: Kill Bill should be an adult-swim cartoon...
Uma: i should play Ursula K. Le Guin in the Lifetime movie...
Luke Skywalker: Pejite, where my REAL FATHER's from. notice how i'm always moody? like a teenager. Pejite, home of Hamlet, clay, and LEGOs...
Takahashi: the soundtrack is EARTH ROCK!!! EarthRock progressive rock, lots of pipes and pianos, hobbits and harps, the kind of van-art album-cover vinyl record your dad kept in a grey milk crate in his orange shaggy-rug den in Encino...
Madame Pons: the scenery is so beautiful, so magical, so lush, so dieselpunk. i could carve a million bath bombs out of this scenery.........which is ironic given the movie's anti-war stance.
dieselpunk: when coffee is LITERALLY fuel...
Laertus: the opening here is PROFOUND, this intro shakes at the soul. it presents this vision of a post-apocalyptic Earth, and you really feel the WHOLESALE DESTRUCTION of the human race which was allowed to happen by greedy politicians, demigods, and general money. like, it REALLY HAPPENED and it's frightening and sad. and real and PLAUSIBLE and it wasn't just Putin saber-rattling. and then the poor humans have to start all over, from square one: make new friends, do the invent-fire thing again. hopefully they get it right THIS TIME. the Earth, meanwhile, didn't even notice the humans were gone...
Finn from Adventure Time: i know this place...
Nausicaa: look at THIS VIEW!!! look where we live!!! on an enclave away from the rest of the world!!! blissfully away from civilization!!! we got a wood windmill. we live on an emerald isle, with the wind at our backs, clean energy all around, next to the seawaves, water energy, the ocean our natural barrier from enemies. enemies meaning any MEDDLING PEOPLE FROM OTHER COUNTRIES WHO DON'T MIND THEIR OWN BUSINESS. we could have figured out the toxic-forest thing on our own, we don't need your help, i'm a smart girl!!!
Toxic Jungle: ...
Axl Rose: ...
Toxic Jungle: ironically, we name your human civilization the Urban Jungle...
Toxic Jungle insects: WE WERE HERE FIRST!!! what is a nation? all we want is what all you want: good schools for our kids.
Jesus: "clothed in blue robe, descending onto a golden field," sounds like my Elysium. i just need some blue Jordans, those shoes are not as easy to find as you'd think...
village: why did the foreigners have to come? this isn't an immigration thing, THEY started the wars!!! we were a peaceful village...
Ohm: Nausicaa, do you understand me? understand us?
Nausicaa: yes. i instinctively know your language, another reason that school is useless. i can feel your language, i can taste your language. empaths are easy, senses are sexy. what's with all the sand?
Ohm: we invented yoga in the Middle Ages. that sand doesn't keep time, but it makes a bitchin' sand slide. and it keeps the Days of Our Lives screenwriting bible stored in a safe place...
Nausicaa: your underground cavern here would be a bitchin' place for a Raging Waters.
Kurotowa: if you do not give us your land i'll tow your car. i'm repossessing your village for the first time. a kingdom can't have a princess!!! i'm the only one here with a Japanese name. hey wasn't i in that Smurfs movie also?
Lastelle: princess to princess, don't trust us. don't trust my people. Uma Thurman is a bitch.
Nausicaa: now i know how Chelsea Clinton and Ivanka Trump felt.
Giant Warrior: i'm like that monster that arrived in that combination-locked gold chalice-box space cage who eventually killed Superman...
Nausicaa: the bullroarer, now THAT's a musical instrument. i'm glad my mom made me take bullroarer lessons. the ocarina is a flute. flutes are doorjambs.
Uma Thurman: do not fear us, we come in peace. here are copies of Tolkien to distract you. this is a simple pay-for-protection racket, pure mafia stuff, no big deal.
Nausicaa: joke's on you, you killed my stepfather. Yupa is my real father.
Patrick Stewart: i'm gonna go SEAN CONNERY on your ass!!!
Yupa: what's going on down here? it looks like a college den. NAUSICAA!! i found you!!! why is your head down on this nice oak glass table? are you snorting dandelions again?
Nausicaa: i went to a rager last night. i am drunk as a skunk on a fuck.
Yupa: young lady, i forbid you from drinking a can of White Claw ever again.
Nausicaa: even for my tiny shoulder-fox here?
shoulder-fox: if this isn't Pokémon i don't know what is. i only bite when my nails are being cut.
Nausicaa: i'm trying to forget my troubles.
Yupa: you just need to get laid.
Nausicaa: look at the soil down here!!! it's so fresh and so clean!!! see? i told ya jokers!!! the dry desiccated desert above just needs some resodding, that's all.
Captain Picard rubbing his bald chin: resodding, eroding, huh...
Shia LaBeouf: Nausicaa, can i call you Naus? like a bawse.
Nausicaa: no.
Shia: Nausicaa, can we have a sleepover tonight? i promise i won't try anything. i CAN'T try anything, we're sleeping on one big white underground circle with cameras everywhere. it's like an MMA ring. no vegetation here whatsoever, just blank sand.
Nausicaa: the jungle plants thrive under my stewardship, i should be a monk. they're fine, they're just polluted, by the pollution of war...
Uma: how are you able to soothe those ghastly beasts? with a giant can of cockroach bug spray?
Nausicaa: some vanilla hand-cream, a little dab'll do ya.
Nausicaa: i'm sure. as if. don't be grody!!!
Shia: why are you talking like that?
Nausicaa: i'm from the Valley. i'm a Valley girl.
Shia: that's not attractive.
Nausicaa: this makes me MORE attractive to guys. this is flirting in the '80s. look, you said you wanted to have sex with me, right?
Shia: as long as it doesn't go against my religion.
Nausicaa: well here's your chance, big boy!!! hold on, WE'RE BOTH GOING DOWN A QUICKSAND VORTEX HOLE!!! THIS IS WHAT SEX FEELS LIKE!!!
Nausicaa: the bottom plants purify the topsoil above, the water down here is like Zima. i know what it feels like to be a bottom. they're not bugs, they're creatures.
Nausicaa: LISTEN TO ME!!! return the baby Ohm and they will turn different flashing colors, we'll all celebrate with one RAGER of a rave tonight!!!
villagers: what is a party?
insects: gunfire? that's why we have SHELLS, man!!! why do you think our shells evolved for thousands of years? evolution is REAL, man.
Uma: the gold armor i wear has bankrupted my kingdom...
Giant Warrior: I'M MELTING!!! dust to dust, sand in my pants. why did you revive me? i was PEACFULLY DEAD!!! i wasn't AT PEACE but at least i was sleeping. i won't be an effective weapon for you, i come from the Old World. that world which believed the answer was found in a computer. i come with a message from the past: DO NOT CONSUME GNC POWDER, ALL GNC POWDER DOES IS SHRINK YOUR BALLS.
Ohms: was that you, Nausicaa? there's so much rush-hour traffic at this time, sorry. here, suck on these tentacles. it's not what you think, this is wholesome, we're just injecting fluids into you to resuscitate you, get you out of your coma, Vitamin B12, riboflavin, stuff like that...
Nausicaa: wait, the blue was BLOOD?!!! grody!!!
Nausicaa: and deep down underground is the sacred unknown jungle in the stadium-effect hurricane cavern cave, i will not give directions to this place, it's my secret rave space. because as you can see the first NON-TOXIC SPROUT has just popped its little head up through the soil sand. a little sprout something something i like to call MARIJUANA...
me: living in a Medieval-times village was the greatest way to live life as a human. buckets, learn a trade, you knew all your neighbors, marry the blacksmith's daughter, people looked out for each other till death, fresh water from the well, no insects. whether a European Medieval village or a Japanese Medieval village...
Hayao Miyazaki: why is everybody so dumb? why are people so stupid? this movie was meant to highlight Minamata disease which was a GHASTLY HORRIFIC DISEASE, a painful way for humans to go, to die by your limbs bending the wrong way, moving on their own, getting covered by the nerve agent of black-soot mercury poisoning. succumbing to uncertainty. losing all your motor skills and not knowing who your mother who cares for you 24/7 is anymore. Buddha never wanted ANY human to reincarnate into a fried chicken wing. all of this can be solved if we WORK TOGETHER and stop making everything political. but humans just can't make it work, can they? they need to be right one time. all of this stuff, all these themes, are old as dirt. it was old as dirt IN THE EIGHTIES!!! the Green themes, the Mother Earth themes, the anti-war stuff, saving the environment, better regulations, communion, common sense, using NATURE instead of a CHEMICAL. expedient isn't better than PATIENCE. this is SIMPLE, folks!!! this is NECESSARY, folks!!! the globe is gonna CRACK IN TWO and no one will notice, no one will look up from their screens!!! man this is depressing...
Tom Brady: Hurricane Ian saved my marriage. thank you, Hurricane Ian. good night...
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