Laney: the most iconic McDonald's in the entire world is the Encino McDonald's, the McDonald's right next to our beloved St. Cyril's church.
Gerry: a block away.
Harrison: LITERALLY walking distance.
Ryan Stiles: i ate my boots. i'm very poor paying to come to this choir.
Laney: that's good, Ryan, everyone should wear sneakers for this.
Harrison: wait, we're WALKING? nobody here has a car?
Gerry: i have a '70s space coaster.
Ryan: i travel on my imagination.
Laney: i have a cute pink Miata but that's not the point. we gotta get as ICONIC as our hometown namesake McDonald's.
Laney: we have to match the grandeur of the moment, everyone feels it. everyone finishes Church at 11 and are STARVING on a Sunday, they all race out to McDonald's. on wheels. WE will be the ones who form a picture of a thousand words by walking the street Beatles-style the four of us in a line. on a lane. on the cross-street to Ventura Blvd. which is aptly named Abbey Road for Father Navin. the boulevard of dreams and safety zones.
Queen Diana: a queue.
Laney: i'll lead and the three stooges here will follow me in back.
Ryan: in back of the train.
Laney: spaced apart evenly like so. it's PERFECT cos it's RAINING outside right now, that'll make the photo even more EPIC. we slowly in our shoes pace to the McDonald's after the four of us have sung our HEARTS out and have built up quite the APPETITE for Big Macs. Big Macs which we will share together as a family after an honest sunny day's work.
Ryan: and i'll be the goofy straggler at the end who has to run to catch up. then i'll start walking backwards.........cos i'm so hungry i can't think straight much less sing straight. much less song straight.
the four do just that, and AMAZINGLY, none of the traffic runs them over on that slippery road. it's magic, or perhaps it's faith.
Shia LaBeouf: hey Father, why is your car the DeLorean?
Father Navin: not just the DeLorean, young squire, the one that's a car AND a time machine. oh, you know, rich Encino donors liking the job i'm doing making sure they go to Heaven when they die.
Shia: isn't it a little garish?
Father Navin: yeah it is. it's just weird when a priest has a garage. i'm getting the word down from Rome that i need to stop my pleasure-seeking lifestyle. i need to cut back on the dinners at the steakhouses at night on a Saturday. i'm looking at too many scantily clad waitresses for the Pope's liking.
The Pope: i'm just jealous.
Tatiana: i temp at Tenaya Stone Spa now. at Disneyland California Adventure. this entire spirit sanctuary is the color brown. the cool shade of calming brown, not the other brown. Tatiana, Tenaya, it fits, huh.
Mardith: yeah. can you give me a footjob while i wait for my blowjob?
Sarah Ferguson: my toes tasted like royal jelly.
Father Navin in a brown robe and brown bunny slippers: luxurious, i like this place. i love the stained glass here, very churchy. all this brown is pleasing my mom, she always wanted me to become a monk instead.
Tatiana assumes her first customer and lays him all four feet down on the backwards table and stretches his legs.
Tatiana: DAMN you are TENSE.
she applies four hot rocks along his nude spine. she caresses his naked face which spits in her face on reflex.
Eeyore: bitch those spirit stones are TOO HOT!!! are you trying to send me to HELL?!!!
Tatiana: sorry, i was just stretching out your fifth leg here.
Eeyore: THAT'S MY TAIL!!! YOU PULLED MY TAIL OFF MY BODY!!! woman, now i'm REALLY depressed. now the only work i'll be able to find is at kids' birthday parties.
Tatiana: sorry but i really thought that was your fifth leg. you know, your donkey penis?
Lorne Michaels: on SNL we have the DARNDEST time trying to close doors during skits...
Ruth Bader Ginsburg: i brought my paella pan, my paellera, to Subway because Subway doesn't have paella. Subway the sandwich place, the sub hub. too many peppers in the cheesesteak...
Queen Elizabeth II: that RBG and i have much in common. LOOK AT THE LINES!!! my funeral has turned into a festival!!! they set up Jersey barriers---from Jersey, England, not New Jersey---and extra metal grating, creating artificial queue containers like they do at Disneyland.
Travel Lavender: we're an indie folk-rock band from Portland, Oregon. Portland=Poetland. we opened for Bratmobile when they played the first riot grrrl song ever, "Love Thing".
Mars: i am Earth's future.........as in i am the desert planet Earth will one day become...
Queen Elizabeth II: you can call me queenie now. oh how i wish i could have experienced Operation London Bridge whilst riding a unicorn.
Gladyce: avocados. don't get me started on avocados. i tried to buy them at The Store. they just don't turn out like Subway avocados. i picked out and chose an avocado from The Store that sparkled from having a skin covered in stars. i thought it was magic. turned out it was rotten and brown and on the discount wheelbarrow. the Subway avocado is slippery and sublime and tastes like artichoke. Subway's avocados use your tongue as a slide. the Subway avocado goes smooth down your throat. that's why it's one dollar extra...
Father Navin's TV: get ready for the Teen Titans Go Marathon!!! a different episode EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR AN ENTIRE YEAR, no repeats!!!
Tori Amos at the church organ, the pipe organ AND the small synthesizer: the "Hey Jupiter" music video, i'm trying to stifle my laughter as the little girl is bouncing up and down in the back of the cab with me. it's supposed to be all serious with the fire all around the flames consuming me and everything but i can't help but chuckle.
Jewel: we're both singer-songwriter babes with white-girl tarot tits who like the planet Jupiter, okay?
Trent Reznor: i'm trying to stifle my laughing.
Tori Amos: you laugh?
Norm MacDonald: yeah let the SNL cast improvise without me, i'm walking out, i'm not hosting.........this shows i have GREAT FAITH in my former SNL castmates.........after this i became a pigeon...
Coldplay "Viva La Vida": it's die, not dice...
Codrus at the vestibule: Alcuin was my Prince Andrew...
Influence from Dick Tracy: i saw the bandages Twilight Zone episode, okay?
King Charles III wears the Sun-Halo Crown during his Coronation...
Ralph Gibson: i'm like cyberpunk in photographs...
Mardith at Tatiana's new studio: 4-7-8 breathing, i do it all the time at yoga: 4 elements, 7-Eleven, 8 Is Enough, 8 chakras is enough, Naruto should have learned them by now...
Holt Hanley in studio: anybody do their urge surfing this morning?
Obec Carmel: severe weather here means.........130-degree heat.
Ryan Gosling of the Detroit Lions: that should have been ME in those commercials!!! i should be marrying Lily from AT&T right now with Little Caesars pizza as our wedding-reception food!!!
Matteo Berrettini: wait, Hugo Boss did WHAT in the 1940s?!!!...
Drakkar Noir: we did the Old Spice Kraken thing first with our dragon...
The Great Space Coaster: the portable fold-up television, we had the iPad first!!!
Queen Elizabeth II with a flower in her hair: i love that my funeral has turned into Woodstock!!!
Heather Graham: so they can sexually assault me on live TV during my SNL monologue but ironically, they couldn't say the word "shit" on SNL in 2000...
Chris Kattan: aren't i better than Rob Schneider? right?
Windsor Castle quadrangle: a garage for Rolls-Royces...
Doryce: i don't care anymore. i'd rather be comfortable than clean. i'm putting on this stanky blue blouse for the 7th time this week.
Gladyce: 7 is a lucky number.
Zendaya: remember our Disney days?
Bella Thorne: yeah.
Zendaya: i became a big movie star.
Bella Thorne: i went into paid porn...
Alla Pugacheva: no i'm not Fergie.........the princess Fergie.
Laertus's dad: i've never watched a CBS sitcom...
Lorne Michaels: why do all the women who host SNL do their monologue in vinyl leather pants?...
Maria LaRosa: Climate Week > Fashion Week
Prince Louis: i have no concept of death yet...
Nasi Novare Coram: new old skin cream that makes people colorblind...
Arnold Schwarzenegger at the church gym: don't do GOMAD, you'll shrink your gonads.........how now brown cow.
Maria Shriver: ...
Arnold Schwarzenegger: all diets are fads and will make you mad...
Kadeem Hardison jogging on church grounds peacefully: i do voices, too...
Mardith: you know it heartens me that Kadeem and Cree Summer met on set at A Different World and fell in love between takes. AND THEY'RE STILL TOGETHER TODAY!!! IT LASTED!!! CRUSHES WORK!!! it's a way forward, it's hope, it shows me that it is possible to still fall in love despite what this wretched world has become.
Cree Summer doing her Cree Summer voice: it was a different world back then.........but we still maintain in 2022.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Lupin III ...
Aki Ross from Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within: you realize i was supposed to replace all living human actresses and actors, right? the studios going forward would use ME instead of Angelina Jolie and save a SHITLOAD of money. even though 3DCGI is EXTREMELY expensive. i'm virtual, i'm computer-animated, i'm generated, i'm easy to work with. my only question was: would i have a life OUTSIDE the movie set?...
Shia LaBeouf: oh yeah i remember those times.........but then ironically Angelina Jolie played YOU for Beowulf...
Shia: so what kind of work are you doing now?
Aki Ross: i'm in a band with Trent Reznor...
Eye: License to Drive and go.
me: the DMV destroyed my life.
Less: miles and miles of sidewalk for me...
Less, Deen, and Mr. Maldark huddle together by the sidewalk curb, by the side of the road at the Moving Violations Police Academy Driving School to take a listen:
me: the DMV destroyed my life. ALL of my problems in life can be traced back to when i had to take the driving test, that's when i FROZE. i didn't know it back then but anxiety would be claiming me for the first time, not allowing me to move forward in life, depriving me of joy and tradition and a milestone everyone else achieves. there wasn't a name for it back then in the '80s: anxiety. see anything that was schoolwork, anything involving a written test, writing, memorizing math, taking tests with a pencil, i ACED easily, i had the brain for it. but i was not MANUAL in any way, i was not PHYSICAL, i couldn't do things like operate heavy machinery, heavy machinery being a car, operating a motor vehicle. it scared me, it TERRIFIED me, my body froze and locked in place and i couldn't move. my swim through life hit a concrete wall, i stopped DARING. it was the most frustrating thing, demons started invading me, doubts crept in, and i simply couldn't take the steering wheel. bicycles were okay, but then again i had training wheels first. are there car training wheels? and so i got left behind, it was as if i flunked a grade, as my classmates shoved on with their lives and their proms and fucked into families at college. i was STUCK FOREVER, homebound. i was scared to go OUTSIDE, i COULDN'T go outside, it was as if the universe was FORCING me to become AGORAPHOBIC against my will. life ends when you don't have a car, especially in Los Angeles. you can't go anywhere, do anything, make anything of yourself. life comes to a SCREECHING HALT, pun intended. see that was the thing: if i had grown up in Berkeley or New York City maybe it would've worked. but not Los Angeles. to this day i am TERRIFIED of taking the driving test through L.A. streets. all that cement and freeway smoke and fire lanes and traffic that bites at your car's nippy heels on a cold day. i would just crash. not crash and burn, i would literally crash. school is easy, the DMV is hard. why does the DMV have to crash into your life and present you with this foreign thing, this weird test, this terrible trial on a cold concrete trail you have to go through that has nothing to do with your mind? and if you don't get GRANTED the DMV Golden Ticket suddenly your lifepath is in shambles. nerves kill progress. your timeline terminated. nothing natural about it. I JUST.........I JUST COULDN'T DO IT.........I JUST COULDN'T DRIVE A CAR.
last time on Keeping Up with the Haims on A&E:
Alana Haim: we're not related. i'm not Corey Haim's wife. nor his sister. if i had been he'd still be here with us today. because I am certainly someone to LIVE FOR!!! Corey...
The Two Coreys: which one?
Alana Haim. you coulda saved yourself if you had just been in a band...
Corey Haim crunches down hard on some rock cereal.
Berwin: wasn't me. there's no salt in the cereal.
Corey Haim: what is this shit?!!!
Corey Feldman: calmate, calmate, calm your tetas, best bro. i put a little charcoal in your cereal. that's charcoal cereal.
Corey Haim: ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!!!
Corey Feldman: no that's YOUR job. the charcoal helps you speak...
Mardith: so this your typical '80s rape-culture movie, the stuff in here would NEVER get cleared today!!!
Heather Graham: tell me about it. but since this was my first movie i couldn't refuse to do anything or it'd be a short career. and my parents didn't exactly protect me when i was young...
Madame Pons: oh you poor thing. we women, if we don't make good choices in men we're screwed for life. remember, dear, when the fish in the sea have dried up, choose a woman instead. WE WOMEN ARE STILL HERE!!! tee-hee.
Mardith: *redfaced* MOM!!!
Corey Haim: wait, my dad in this is the lead singer of Toto?
Richard Masur: so THAT's where i've seen me before!!!
Corey Haim: save me, Toto. save my life, Toto.
Carol Kane: i'm that woman you've seen in anything you've ever watched. i played the mom. or the sister, you know. people still don't know if i'm an actor or a singer. or a dancer. i never married so.........i mean i'm probably a lesbian but who knows?
Nina Siemaszko: why didn't i become a bigger star? i was on a family of stars. it wasn't up to me. i ended up the Justine Bateman of Hollywood, the Mallory from Family Ties of Hollywood. ironically, i would make the PERFECT Nina Gordon in the Veruca Salt movie on Lifetime...
Berwin: is Veruca Salt pink?
James Avery: i am the man EVERY TEENAGER FEARS!!!
me: in real life. me, for real.
James Avery: i was an ornery DMV driving examiner. but notice after i became a Bel-Air billionaire my mood changed, my demeanor calmed...
Grant Goodeve: i'm the real name of Santa Claus. don't worry, your sister is in good hands with me. T.J. Hooker was a TERRIBLE name for a show. i'll be the laidback cool-breeze hang-loose surfer driving examiner, the Gustavo Kuerten driving examiner. my wife was on 8 Is Enough with Naruto. my wife is Pokémon. i married Pokémon.
Helen Hanft: no i'm not the WHERE'S THE BEEF lady, i'm not that old!!! i'm what Shirley Manson of Garbage will look like in a few years...
Heather Graham: Mercedes Lane, my name is PURELY for that ONE joke in the movie...
Corey Haim: Corey already has a Mercedes...
me: okay these scenes are making me SWEAT AND SHIVER. i am VERY UNCOMFORTABLE watching this. i don't mind the blocky computers, i would pass a greenline-on-the-screen test on the computer commuter screen, it's very Super Mario Bros., very 1984, very cool.
me: BUT THE DRIVING TEST!!! i ain't no driver. why couldn't i have gotten one of those easy totally-rad driving examiners who would PASS YOU NO MATTER WHAT. even if you ran into a tree because you were looking at Working Squirrel...
easy grader: easy-grader teachers want to be your friend, your buddy, your pal...
James Avery: SEE THIS CUP OF COFFEE? if you spill it on my lap YOU FAIL!!!
Corey Haim: but the coffee's cold by now, i waited in line FOR HOURS to take the DMV test!!!
James Avery: i know but it's not the coffee, it's this LIMITED EDITION 7-Eleven-from-the-'80s FOAM CUP!!! this cup is VINTAGE!!!
Corey Haim: don't sell my car at auction, it looks like the Ectomobile...
Miss Hellberg: NEXT FOR A DRIVER'S LICENSE!!!
Olivia Rodrigo: i'm next.
Miss Hellberg: why aren't you a pretty little thing. well i'm jealous. for women, beauty is all that matters. when the beauty goes, it's death. don't you worry, dearie, i'm just a witch, a dragon lady...
Miss Hellberg: computers in the '80s are notoriously bad, they break down CONSTANTLY for long stretches of time, lots of black smoke. so i'm just gonna go ahead and pass you cos you are a TWIN. right?
Corey Haim: yes. twins have the exact same brain. tho for some reason i DESPISE my twin here.
Miss Hellberg: this is 1984 tho so i FAIL YOU!!!
Carol Kane: honey, it's okay to have a boyfriend, he can be Afghan, he just can't be COMMUNIST, this is the '80s.
Nina: my boyfriend wears a beret and goatee and looks like Claude from Degrassi and says all the GAS-GUZZLERS on the road are destroying the world.........he's right but no one cares yet.
Laertus's dad: dad to dad, that was POOR the way Corey Haim treated his dad. poor pops, poor father, he's carrying the pampers around, the baby diapers, walking on a strange street and his kid just DITCHES him. leaving him carless with his own car.
Corey Haim: in my defense you can't turn down a drug run...
mom: all this stress is not good for the baby in my belly...
Heather Graham: you suck, Paolo. are you cheating on me?
Paolo: i listen to Maroon 5, yes.
Heather: why is swarthy and Italian In in the '80s?
Paolo: i'm not Italian, i'm from Afghanistan.
Heather: we live in America, men don't OWN women here. you'll find out in Afghanistan.........but it's gonna take a VERY LONG LONG LONG time. I AM WOMAN!!! women around the world UNITE and burn your hijabs in protest!!!
Corey Haim: are you giving me a blowjob in this car?
Heather Graham: no i'm reaching for the stick shift.
Corey: why are you dancing on the roof of this car?
Heather: to see if it's bulletproof. this is not your car. i'm auditioning for Almost Famous later, i can beat that other blonde Kate Hudson, i can star in SERIOUS movies!!!...
Corey Haim: the worst thing you can do on a Saturday night in the '80s is stare at the clock...
Corey Feldman: Shakey's!!! best slice in town!!!
Corey Haim: wait, we can't eat this pizza unless we're playing Dungeons & Dragons and Queensryche is the music playing in the background on the speakers.
Queensryche: or the band performing in the pub...
Feldman: hey do you mind if we stuff you in the trunk?
Feldman: don't worry, you're passed out, it's all a dream. when we carry your lifeless body around the city you're just sleeping. hey do you think it's kosher if i photograph with a flash bulb under Heather Graham's skirt and bra?
Heather Graham: no. no it's not. there's no internet yet but it's not cool.
Archie's Atomic: we're Sexy Sonic. a bunch of scantily clad roller-skating waitresses serving burgers and fries.
Kevin Smith: they were a comic-book shop but it got razed by a raise. inflation.
Heather Graham: you guys are just COPYING ME!!! i play Rollergirl in Boogie Nights soon...
Mardith: yeah i mean at least be cool about it. form a roller derby league or something. this coming from a former stripper. jammer is not found in your toes.
Nina: are you sure we can protest in the L.A. River?
boyfriend with beret: river? i thought this was a junta. don't worry, it's the '80s, they don't shoot protesters yet...
cop: you're lucky World War III just started or i'd TOTALLY bust you for that woman in your trunk.
Corey Haim: okay so we have a fellow joyrider here. am i gonna have to form a human ladder with my legs to get into your car as we both race down the lane at 170mph?
Brent Spiner: i'm Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation and i'll be your old joyrider this evening. for no reason at all, just because i can reach 200mph cos i'm an android. don't worry, the L.A. River isn't a river.
Takahashi: Cadillac Sedan de Ville, the 101 Dalmatians' TRUE owner.
Greykid: dogs can't be owned.........they can only be pwned by my paws.
Aaron Stone: ...
Laertus: OKAY I HAVE TO SAY, i did NOT see this coming!!! the back half of this movie you'd think would start to peter out, but this is when it revs up and STARTS TO GET GOOD!!! the BACKWARDS DRIVING thing, i mean, can i say this about this movie? it's INGENIOUS!!! because it's NEW, it's NOVEL. i just was never thinking they'd do something like that, they pull it off flawlessly, i just wasn't thinking BACKWARDS, you know?
Corey Haim: we're all lucky this was a stick shift, stick shifts can ONLY DRIVE IN REVERSE, can't drive forward...
me: no wonder i have an abject fear of European cars...
Mr. Bean laughs.
Corey Haim: hey sister, what paperback book are you reading?
Nina: some Ayn Rand thing. see i am able to GO to college as in DRIVE to college.
me: *sighing internally* !@#$
Corey Haim: so what!!! who cares!!! it's just COMMUNITY college.
sister: yeah but it's a Los Angeles community college, i drive along cool orange-leaf-cooled straight suburban lanes of paved road, it's a magnificent meditative drive when i'm alone in my car.
Heather Graham: zoom zoom,.
Corey Haim: nice car!!!
Heather Graham stretches to extend her gloved hand. golf-gloved hand.
Heather: hello, i'm Paige Spirinac.
Corey Haim: look.........just.........DON'T DATE JAMES WOODS!!! i know you're estranged from your parents but.........you're not close but.........you have a car now to drive to your parents!!!
Heather: i need SOMEONE to replace my father...
Corey Haim: YES BUT NOT JAMES WOODS!!!
Roger Ebert: the end-credits song, it's harmless, it's inspiring. the lyrics aren't creepy, he's talking about getting out of his dreams and into his car. it's like stop dreaming and make your dream a REALITY. the COLD METAL of a PHYSICAL OBJECT, not just another daydream, another mind game, another written test.
me: that hurts.
Roger Federer: guys guys, let's all relax and calm down. and come down from this, all this agitation. all this car talk is making me sad. it's reminding me of when i lost my first tennis coach to a car accident. from THAT POINT ON, i never smashed another tennis racquet again, i wasn't a hothead again, i never screamed and shouted and yelled and carried on on a court again because i saw that tennis is not life or death. my eyes were opened, i had an epiphany, i stopped being a brat and i became the cool calm collected Roger you all know and love through the decades. the money didn't hurt with keeping me calm. g'night folks for the last time. tennis is my mistress...
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