TMIT: SWALLOW THE OYSTER DOWN WHOLE

 

don't get me started on avocados.

1. if your chest is hairless would you have a chest hair transplant? i always thought having a hairless chest was sexy, it was smooth and slippery. and shiny. 

i've never had a hairy chest, just a few straggler hairs around the areolas, nip bips. which is ironic cos as you know i LOVE the '80s in an unhealthy obsessive addictive way and the ultimate '80s iconoclast always happens after the sex scene in ALL '80s movies: the next morning the camera pans to the man. the woman has already dressed and left for work. the man, naked, sits up in the bed, the bedsheet covering his long dong which sits up as well pointing the sheet straight up to the ceiling. this man has a RIDICULOUSLY HAIRY CHEST and he wears a heavy gold chain just in case the eye doesn't gaze over directly to this massive lion's mane of curly hairs on his bare chest...

2. are you the center of attention at parties? yes. because i've gotten kicked out of every party i've ever attended. i call my political party Aphrodisiac Anarchists Anonymous. everyone keeps telling me not to make a scene but i'm an actor...

3. what libido-boosting foods do you believe in and use?

avocados: they gotta be Hass, not Hugo Boss. Hass would be cooler if it was spelled Haas. it's weird cos i love avocados but hate guacamole. but i only eat the avocado on Subway sandwiches, nowhere else.

oysters are aphrodisiacs but only if you have the clams.

pomegranate: it only works if you DRINK the POM juice from those very specific rotund glass circle bottles 

strawberries: only with BROWN sugar

raw fish: because you eat it and die a big death like an orgasm

asparagus: because they look like the size and color of my penis

4. do you ever get tired of talking about sex? i only talk about sex at parties...

5. how do you think your attitude toward sex differs from your partner's attitude? my partner and i are in sync, i read that as PARENTS' attitude, wink wink...

BONUS: do you take your partner for granted? yes. especially when i call her mom or dad.

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