notes:
* BEAUTIFUL BRITISH BEANS!!! GAZE at the BEAUTY of these GLAZED beans. look at that TEAL can!!! that turquoise, that aqua blue. that's the 5-pounder can, enough for one British breakfast on the iron mills. LOVINGLY bathed in tomato sauce, that's the key, lovingly. lovingly like a health spa in the Swiss Alps. 1869. man, 1869, that was back when your grandfather looked like Rock Hudson, was built not like a rock but like Mickey Hargitay, and wore a brown lapban around his buttocks for swim trunks as he dove off a pier in the Dover Cliffs to prepare for the war. this can evokes memories of yore, of times LONG ago, of black-and-white-and-beige film reels in mining towns. British-style beans are made with Worcestershire sauce, that's the secret ingredient cos nobody can pronounce nor spell Worcestershire...
* Astepro
manager: can you make it?
man: no but Astro the dog can play it for me.
manager: i don't get that reference, i'm a millennial manager.
man: the Jetsons time is happening NOW, son. my instrument is the only known one in existence, it's a horn with 27 stems.
manager: what's it called?
man: Astepro.
man: here, 20 bucks in your violin case.
woman: thanks but it's a viola case. musician solidarity, only you know how hard i work, my mother thinks i'm a street prostitute.
man: man what happened to the Hollywood Bowl? it's smaller than i remember...
manager: where were you?
man: my cat can play the horn next time, he's a jazz cat.
* Golden Corral
girl: dad, who's your favorite?
dad: i'm gonna go with Josh, his runny nose is so charming.
girl: DAD!!! THAT IS SO RUDE!!! i can wring your fucking neck. you're a very skinny man, dad!!!
dad: what's gotten into you?
girl: sorry, the Buffalo Chicken Wings here are WAY TOO spicy.
mom: um, can I say anything concerning this family? ICEE desserts, that's an oxymoron. ICEE desserts are impossible, they melt away before they exist...
* Applebee's Double Crunch Shrimp
Shirley Manson from Garbage: obviously the man who made this commercial is a surfer...
* Thirteen Lives
Ron Howard: it's not the sequel to Thirteen, i just want to make that clear. it's me, Opie, i wouldn't do that.
Russell Crowe: hi. well mate, i'm a little thinner, my beard is a little thinner, and i will only do comedy movies from now on.Elon Musk: only I can fix this film!!! only I can play MYSELF in this film!!! i'll say the "pedophile" line, i don't care, i ain't scared of Hollywood!!!...
* Duracell Labs
pro gamer: i can't believe i let a pair of rookies BEAT me!!! on my livestream!!! everyone saw that!!! it's game over for me thanks to this extended battery life. i'm not allowed to have dyed-red hair anymore.
father in the woods: daughter, let me borrow that headlamp.
daughter in the forest: nice try, dad, Ron Howard is a VERY difficult director to work with.
father: train the light over THERE, daughter!!! see that frog glistening on that log? i'm gonna lick the frog's bumps and you film me...
* Brad Pitt: i was Betty White's last date. we both wanted that last date. we both wanted this. we both wanted this arrangement. i'm taking over Betty White's house in Carmel...
* Catriona Bisset: i am Bjork in a warm weather clime...
* Sun Microsystems: we're coming for you, Mark Zuckerberg...
* Stone Cold Creamery: we got GIANT spoons...
Takahashi: i want that Stone Cold Creamery giant grey cold slab of stone in my bed.
* Chandy: sweet like candy. girls can be named Chandler, too...
* bald eagle in his nest: based and broke, how does it feel?
phoenix on the forest floor: wonderful.
* I Set My Friends on Fire: i mean i ain't gonna hate, that's a cool band name.
The Mars Volta: you guys are like Mars Volta Jr.
* Codrus: if there's one victim, you learn their name. if there are 50 victims, they remain nameless...
* Mardith: i'm gonna name my band either Darts N' Daisies or Vaginoosi...
* Mark Zuckerberg: analware...
* Violetta Laze: who are you? *shakes hands*
Tobe Magnetic: Tobe Magnetic, nice to meet you.........*shakes hands*.........to be magnetic...
* ZipRider: scariest zipline in the world.........run by Staples guys.
Janine Turner: ...
* Kendra Wilkinson: who wishes a city happy birthday?
Munsters house: ...
Kendra: i mean i know if you're a realtor or something.
* Mardith: sound bath, it's easy, a sound bath is simply a silent disco except you wear your electric headphones in a tub full of water...
* Nuzzle pillow: the good pillow. in space astronauts only get hot in their middle section. humans were never meant to look at a tiny screen on a pillow that is bending their neck...
* Fuerza: the most exciting part of my day is opening the mail...
happy weekend, my babies. my first time having a cheesesteak.........i only trust Togo's in this situation, i only trust Togo's for my first time, Togo's has soft hands...
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