Kitty Nut: hi. i'm Kitty Nut. i'm the new cat gotten by MBC and Benoit. i refuse to call them my masters as i am a cat. i kinda look like Morris the Cat but without the corporate sponsor so my pelt is still frisky and my oval eyes are still green.
Greykid: hiya Kitty Nut. welcome to the Pack. the two other cats are on vacation at the moment for the summer...the winter. how do you like your new digs?Kitty Nut: SWANKY!!! my paws are purring. i mean these people know how to live!!! i'm at the top floor of a skyscraper apartment-complex that is ALL UNSCRATCHED GLASS, all four walls are glass, even the mayor can look into my room to see me doing poops in my litter box. btw, we don't need litterboxes, we can use the toilet it's just that no humans want us to have the bathroom key.
Greykid: do you hang on the dorm Christmas lights?
Kitty Nut: MBC has her workstation setup where her computer is on a giant suction cup that's suctioned to the glass window-wall!!! when i look at it i feel trippy like i've just whiskered a bud of catnip.
MBC: WE LOVE YOU THIS CAT KITTY NUT!!! i named you after my favorite chocolate bar. pecans are the poor man's pistachio. it's hard to be a busy businesswoman on the go all the time going from airport terminal to airport peoplemover shuttle and not knowing which flights have a cat policy and which do not. to be safe i keep you in my kitty baby-carry knapsack with your face turned to my tits to shield you hide you from the air authorities. and then when the coasts are clear, BOTH meanings, i let you out and into the seat next to me and put on your seatbelt and order you a drink.
Kitty Nut: i have been known to drink water that wasn't tap. i much appreciate that ma'am, you've got nice big tits. wait, am i female? no i don't think so. can't tell from the name.
MBC: i distract the air marshals and stewardess men who crowd the middle aisle with their carts by wearing my trusty Crown of Grass. it's an ancient Greek laurel of wreaths but to you everything is catnip. that's why you love our house plants so much.
Kitty Nut: i'm very particular around plants, i don't pee in them cos i know they're my only source of drugs.
Benoit: so how do you like having a child? cos that's the next step.
Kitty Nut makes the wide-eyes.
MBC: yeah i love having my fur child. i dunno, maybe Kitty Nut is enough.
Kitty Nut: so how are you two getting on ever since you decided to make it official?
Benoit: married life is quite.........normal. we're getting along. nothing out of the ordinary. it's the exact same as when we were singles sinfully shacking. that's normal, right? it's normal that it's normal?
MBC: yes, dear. we're just two ordinary people navigating love and marriage and joint-taxes like everybody else. two everyday people who are the only two people on Earth who can save the world.
Benoit: for now we're settling into this corner-area of the world nick, a modern glass edge along the wharf with the rest of the Brooklyn hipsters who eat their nostalgic warm cans of soft British beans lovingly laid gently swimming in tomato sauce---soft-hearted beans are good for your heart---by the tire fire outside at night to take in some culture. the pier has been taken over by dumb new tech, boats in the shape of a hot-dog-on-a-bun, and dolphins...
Benoit: i'm an otter at Great Wolf Lodge.
Ed Kowalczyk in a speedo: ...
Blu of Earth eating an apricot: all women must be witches to survive this horrid world. being a 1969 Summer of Love hippie doesn't cut it anymore.
Mardith: hi, we're at the same witch level. low on the totem pole but gaining.
Paul Gallico: i'm the American Sartre.
Jamie Rappaport Clark: look at my long white hair, i was born to be a priestess. i'm the Wiccan of Wildlife. the Nurse of Nature. i am Native.........to the land of the planet.
Mother Earth: besos.
crones Gladyce and Doryce: we LOVE you, JRC!!! you white foxess!!!
Mardith: are you seeing someone?
Dirg: a girl?
Mardith: no, a therapist.
Los Ageless: Los Angeles, the plastic-surgery capital of the world.
Charlie Barnett on the streets: i looked like Dave Chappelle, had muscles like Roc, was a clown like Chris Rock, and should have had Eddie Murphy's career. i did NOT get my nails did to go to a club. i died homeless. can i at least get a Boondocks episode after me?
Mario: isn't it cool to see the uninterrupted no-commentary feed of all the old Wimbledon and Australian Open finals from the '90s by the Italian and Japanese news networks?
Dirg: think about how many babies are born because they are the result of a rebound union made purely to get back at an ex...
there's an inner-city grass tennis tournament being played in Flatbush above the noisy subway line...
John McEnroe: the ONLY thing that will make doubles interesting to a television audience is if all 4 players squat down like Frogger in front of the net.
Emma Raducanu: there is nothing more beautiful on Earth than golden hour at Wimbledon sitting in the stands.
James Baldwin at the Metropolitan Library with the lions carved in white stone: i know i look like i'm always sad but what it is is i'm constantly in a state of deep penetrating thought.
Violetta Laze doing an enso on the pier: you gotta glide, you gotta glide, you gotta glide...
Mary Gross applying freckles to her cheeks on the creaky crickety SNL stage: the creepy coolness in my delivery is unsettling and deeply disturbing...
space: the final frontier.........and the only place left where there's still hope.
Webb Telescope at the forest-hills observatory: stars are really snowflakes...
Uncle Sigh the horse at the Belmont: never put me in a horsebox!!!!!
Rage Against The Machine "Renegades of Funk" music video at the street corner: that's the very same Chuck Taylor Converse shoe from the Nirvana "Smells Like Teen Spirit" video.
Lorne Michaels: there's just something about that 1985 SNL stage, it makes me feel uncomfortable...
me: if i could only play in one grass-court tennis tournament for my whole entire life, it wouldn't be Wimbledon, it'd be the Hall of Fame Open in Newport, Rhode Island, it's more intimate.
Kyrgios: my red hat? Mario was a hero of mine growing up on a naval base in Ballykissangel, okay mate? Mario and Kobe.
Violetta Laze in session at the pier balcony: Caps need to rebirth this week.
Colin Kaepernick: me? i need a new team. i need a job.
Violetta: no, Capricorns.
Colin: what about Kaps?
Violetta: have at it, kids.
Colin: i've waited so long. i'm an old man now...
Yes the band in the middle of the woods in Central Park: we're hobbit music.
Boston the band: we were the first ones to propose a city in outer space...
Nic Cage in an office building with white plastic vampire teeth in his mouth: so when do i go to Sesame Street to teach the kids about the alphabet?...
Hormel Chili: you pay MORE if there are NO beans...
The Pope: Argentina sucks.........unless i'm able to wear my bikini there.
Jesselton parked on First Avenue: Elton John's family fancy old-fashioned car
Idina Menzel driving a 1988 baby-blue Mercedes convertible to Broadway: call me Dr. Menzel, i have a Doctorate of Fine Arts.........i mean don't, not really, it's an Honorary Doctorate. look at me in my dream car, EAT IT, Mercedes Ruehl!!!!!!!!!!
Jesus: i'm the bread guy. always choose only bread that's hanging from a butcher shop. hey listen, if you can do it, do it, turn your phone off for 3 months...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Brigitte Bako from Red Shoe Diaries: i have good teeth, but they're not as good as Val Kilmer's.
Val Kilmer from Top Gun: Maverick: ...
Brigitte Bako: no i mean that as a compliment!!! now as far as that eye doctor goes, i mean, he was literally eyefucking me!!!!
Eye: Broadcast News and go.
William Hurt: this was trippier for me than Altered States. because i am an intellectual individual who had to PLAY DUMB, that's harder than it looks. it actually HURT me to play dumb. physically hurt me.
Laertus: i'm sorry, sweetums, but i have to do this.
Eye: it's okay, babe, go out there and flourish!!!
Laertus on stage: i mean i just gotta say: LOIS CHILES IS SEXY AS FUCK. she's the PERFECT older woman, you know the one, that seasoned experienced woman so TALL of stature, with those model legs of hers that you just know will wrap around your neck scissoring you as she teaches you a few moves in bed that no young chickadee could ever HOPE to achieve. with that voice of culture and been-around-the-block. she's seen things on her trip around the world. she's learned things. she can show you these things on a late-night date at an international pub.
Eye with ruddish red on her pale sallow face: i mean, i'm getting there...
Lois Chiles: thank you. i come from a family of amazons. my favorite James Bond was the tennis James Bond. dreams are for the old, the young can't handle them. my last name has nothing to do with chili cans that you can't get delivered by Walmart, it's pronounced like that English professor on Buffy...
Holly Hunter: you know why i was so good in this? i give each of my characters an INTERNAL life as well. fully-formed, well-rounded. i'm able to pull it off, i'm both a news nerd and a babe in this.
Albert Brooks: no relation to James L. Brooks. yeah so everyone loves how i'm the conscience of this film, i'm the VOICE of James L. Brooks in this film, the one who goes "what the fuck is THIS?!!!" all the time. but i'm JUST A BIT TOO MUCH, you know? JUST A TAD OVER THE TOP. too cloying, too sarcastic, too self-satisfied, too all-knowing, too hip with the references, that i start to become exhaustingly insufferably annoying. are you rooting for me by the end? you be the judge.
Madame Pons: oh that little girl in Atlanta is adorable. but more importantly, she's PRECOCIOUS!!! SHE should have won the Oscar, not Holly Hunter.
Joan Cusack: after this role, i entered the Olympics and won the gold medal in the hurdles. but U.S.A. boycotted so.........yeah. i used to have that ONE thing that i could always lord over my perfect brother John, you know?
Jack Nicholson: i only did this as a favor.........for my best friend since Canadian college Peter Jennings. i have so much sadness. i have so many regrets in me. i would have taken a paycut for the team, i would have Tom-Brady'd the newsroom, if it meant taxing every single rectangular box of those damn cigarettes...
Marita Geraghty: don't you hate when you're pigeonholed as an SVU victim the rest of your career?...
William Hurt boy: i mean working at Chipotle is a really great job. Chipotle trucks like ice-cream trucks, why not serve it there? everyone just assumed it was black beans. i made pinto beans possible.
dad: son, we didn't have report cards when i was your age.
Albert Brooks boy: you bullies are gonna stay in this stupid one-horse town the rest of your lives, you're never gonna grow. i'm gonna TRAVEL THE FUCKING WORLD. i'm gonna get in firefights on a Twilight Zone soundstage and swim in a box with Spalding Gray.
bullies: minimum wage provided these Pink Floyd schoolsuits we have on.
Eye: okay i gotta say this part of this female character is BRILLIANT. very original.
Laertus: isn't it a bit sexist, honey? the woman who cries?
Eye: i know but it's done in such a novel way. Holly Hunter sets aside a five-minute block she blocks off her schedule where she's by herself, no one around, she unplugs her work phone, and simply cries for five minutes. the crying encompasses all the shit she's gone through during the day and all the shit that's yet to come for her. so she doesn't lose TIME. time is after all of the essence when you're a news reporter.
Laertus: a riveting routine. the crying calendar.
Takahashi: wasn't it a cool time when hotel telephones could still be taken off the hook?...
Holly: this is not a movie about news. like the news in 1987. it's a film about the news business.
William: a film about focus. i get that you hate me. you think i didn't earn my perch. i come from doing sports. do you know how humiliating it is to cover tennis as a journalist?
Holly: do you want to still fuck on this hotel-room raised bed? i could give you some pointers.........on the news biz that is. i'm wearing my granny panties for one night only, why not we make use of them? don't mind my strange soft slicey moody milky maulky voice, it sounds like i'm chewing on tobacco. i play professional softball to keep in shape.
William: grunt grunt
Albert Brooks: i'm not jealous of you, Bill Hurt. i mean i could look exactly like you if i went blond. the camera loves you, but it's just a machine.
Holly: Norman Rockwell. you can never go wrong with Norman Rockwell, even the Democrats loved him in the 1950s.
Fred Flintstone: Norman Rockwell?...
Albert: yeah man, i went to an actual warzone to capture that shoe shot, man!!! i coulda gotten shot dead!!! the Sandinistas, yeah!!! all for Nicaraguan chewing gum. yeah, i interviewed the lead singer of Rage Against The Machine's father!!!
Holly: how's that arcade game Contra? i'm trying to become the first female video-game spazz.
Albert: i'm gonna whisper something in your ear as i exit with so much embarrassment and you make it seem like i'm the wittiest human who has ever lived.
Holly: *laughing maniacally* HE SAID HE WANTED TO FUCK ME.
James L. Brooks: okay we need a new theme song for the nightly news.
cats Kitty Nut and Greykid: the nightly mews?
James: and to audition, you must sing it for me cold right here on the dancefloor. with bravado. with panache.
singers with synthesizers: we can sing the lyrics to the Seinfeld theme song if you want.
Holly: yeah, Libya, Italy, i heard about that on Weekend Update on SNL with Dennis Miller when Dennis Miller was still a cool babe and his long hair was still pretty.
William: what's with that headscarf you always wear? it looks like you're a Russian. a Russian babushka all the time.
Holly: it's Ukrainian. for solidarity. i gave my Crown of Grass to the Ukrainian soldiers, ANYTHING to ease them through this.
William: i'm not smart. i try to be smart and act smart but i can't pull it off. i was an aborted Guns N' Roses fan.
Lois Chiles: i'd like to see William Hurt outside of work hours. unless this is a problem for you? are you two secretly dating?
Holly: this is Washington, D.C., it's impossible to not be reported on. it's a free country, at least that's what we're reporting it as until about 2015. you SEE William Hurt just fine from where you're standing. he's right across the carpeted hall at this party, you bitterly tall woman with a vantage point.
Lois: i got this job from my own armpit sweat. it wasn't handed to me, i'm no nepotism hire. i am NOT related to Lois from Superman.
Holly: no offense, but i'm gonna send you to Alaska and Siberia on assignment. chilly, Chiles, get it? to get rid of you, to rid myself of the competition. so i can have Bill the dumb jock all to myself. say hello to Janine Turner up there for me...
Lois: i'm gonna freeze my vagina off there. but my vagina will soon melt cos i'm a tall woman so my vagina is above sea level more than most women.
Lois: your place or mine?
William: that is so '80s i love it!!! didn't dig the Cheers bar?
Lois: the flair scares me.
Willaim: wow!!! you have a closet!!! and it's filled with clothes!!!
Lois: yet strangely, no shoes.
Lois: okay turn around so i can smack your ass.
William: you know you remind me of another naked girlfriend i used to fuck, we talked about Satan and God and backwards-evolution after heavy thrusting. what do you want to talk about after our sex?
Lois: all journalists are atheists. you haven't finished on me yet.
William: i didn't cum on you yet? that's weird, i'm sorry about that.
Lois: HOLD THAT THOUGHT. don't do it. your penis puppetry is more fascinating to me now. go over there by the shadow...
William: those were real tears coming from me. coming from my eyes. i have dry eye, i have to apply chapstick to my eyes every four hours. i actually, and this is true, i was actually eating an onion sandwich during the date-rape interview.
William: who's the comic at the White House Correspondents' Dinner?
Holly: Jada Pinkett Rock. she's playing live-action Korra and Aang's kid in the next Nick cartoon. listen, Will, do me a favor. look at me with your glancing eyes across the room and see me upstairs in the corner by the stairs squeezed into this hip-edged chocolate-souffle cocktail dress i have on and swear to yourself as you lock eyes with me in fate that i am your future wife, can you do me that favor, bub?
Albert: i was doing an antiperspirant commercial, okay? TO THIS DAY nobody knows whether to get the roll-on or the spray...
Albert: i'm gonna regret this, this is the nerd's way, but.........here goes: i'm in love with you. was that too soft?
Holly: no it was hard. and it made me hard. very hard-newsy.
Albert: go to him. i rented you a Clockwork Orange black cab you see driving in circles all around all the Washington, D.C. rotundas. i wish that salesman would death.
Holly: who? William Hurt or the Girl Scouts boy?
Albert: William. that man can't sell news and he can't sell ice to Lois Chiles's spicy vagina full of chiles and chili meat.
Wolf Blitzer: layoffs. it's part of the news business. except for me. the cycle of life is just another news cycle, kids.
Albert: prettyboys like you is the direction of the news biz?
William: yes. but they're transferring me to London to cover Wimbledon, i hate my job.
at the airport-lobby cafe.
Holly: what is the future?
Albert: we were supposed to get married. we were meant to be husband and wife. we would NEVER have divorced, that's for sure. we'd have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl.
Holly: sour grapes.
Albert: lobbyist-party wine does the trick faster than airport wine. i don't know, maybe you're right about me. maybe life is just unfair. don't call me.
Holly: i won't.
Albert: Portland is gonna suck. it's not cool yet. Fred Armisen's not there yet. i coulda been Fred Armisen's father...
James L. Brooks: there MUST be an airport scene. every single character in fiction makes AT AN AIRPORT that ONE DEVASTATING LIFE-ALTERING CHOICE that steers their life into ruination. airports are the best. they're the perfect place, they really are.
Holly: i can't go with you to the Bahamas. maybe we should take a month off like MBC and Benoit did.
William: why not? i mean why can't you go with me? is this about me pushing you into that rolling chair on wheels?
Holly: no it's just, i'm a bureau chief now, i'm in the bureaucracy, i'm part of it. ever since i was a little girl in sweltering Atlanta i've wanted to be a cog in the machine. your fake tears.........i can't.
William Hurt: i'm an actor. you Holly Hunter, you are an actor. we are actors, that's what we do, we fake it.
Holly: here, take this lip balm with you to use as your toothpaste. think of me everytime you fix your eyes. whoa, what IS that thing?
William: i know, right? that weird peoplemover shuttle thing. looks like a giant accordion. do they still use that at airports?
Holly: only at Disneyland. i love how it's carpeted on the inside and has little tiny cute porthole windows to look through of its own.
William: airholes so we can breathe. there is no ethics in journalism. it's all a smokescreen. everyone lies. Satan is real. Elmo is Satan. the only person on tv who has never told a lie is Snuffleupagus. because his fuzzy penis trunk won't let him.
7 years later
William hugs Holly.
William: managing editor!!! congratulations. can you please micromanage me when i do Broadway?
William's British wife: do NOT leave me for HOLLY HUNTER. the statuesque model Lois i could understand and live with, but not THIS runt!!!
Albert: are you surprised i had sex? this is my son who is already an asshole.
Holly: come on, let's talk by this Gone with the Wind gazebo. like my '90s haircut? yeah i'm seeing a man. who is not either of you two. he's Cathy's ex-husband from the comic strip.
William: bye.........no, son, THAT is your daddy over there, not me, quit peeing on my leg.
Albert: you know you're STILL on the luckiest winning streak of all time.
William: i know. i know how Mark Zuckerberg feels. ironically, Mark stepped in to force the Winklevoss twins NOT to have the winning streak that Mark is currently on.
Mark Z: it's gonna end soon.
James L. Brooks: do you like this ending? i wrote it myself. it's realistic, you know? it's not a pat neat good ending, those are boring and unrealistic. this is what life IS, it's messy. people who were SUPPOSED to end up together DON'T end up together. and that throws the whole timeline out of whack and into disarray. NOW WHAT? what do people do when their FIRST plans don't work out? is there still a life to be lived? is a good life still possible? can you have a good life even if it will always be unfulfilling and unfulfilled? can someone please tell me what sex with Lois Chiles is like? The Simpsons suck now. g'night, folks.
at the glass apartment
Greykid: how can a high-rise have no milk? come on, you can tell me the truth now that your humans have gone to bed to sleep off their sins. now that it's quiet in the house, how do you REALLY feel?
Kitty Nut: every plant in this place is my personal pillow. i have it all. but i'm scared. i'm unsettled. i'm rudderless.
Greykid: i'd take you out on my boat that's docked at the harbor but it's being used by David Harbour as a secret Stranger Things set.
Kitty Nut: i know MBC is PREGNANT!!! cats can sense these things. i smell it on her breath, the milk on her breath. and the milk on the baby's breath, i smell it inside her tummy.
Greykid: oh shit.
Kitty Nut: what am i gonna do? i'm no longer MBC's number one. she'll have a new focus, a focus that is not a feline focus.
Greykid: yeah i smell the milk, too.
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