MBC is on her knees on the plank. the planks of the boat. the Steamin' Sturner. her fingers grip the edge with bloody claspy tension.
MBC: i'm not scared for myself. i'm scared for our oceans. this is all for kelp deforestation, to prevent it.
Kitty Nut perched on the edge: are you ready for your first dive as a pregnant woman WHOOPS!! cat's out of the bag!!!
MBC: eh, i knew. i felt an itch behind my earlobe.
Kitty Nut: well okay then.
MBC: but i don't believe it cos i've never been pregnant. it feels strange for a woman on her first time, you feel like a non-human ghost, a blob of jelly from outer space.
Kitty Nut: we're all blobs of jelly from outer space.
MBC: the motherly instinct hasn't kicked in. i haven't gotten it in me.
Kitty Nut: not yet. it'll come. just like he came in you.
MBC: thanks for being so supportive and understanding *points her finger up* READY FOR THE BIG D-I!!!
Kitty Nut: wait, here, i need to cut back. take this nug of nip from my paw and spread in all around into your balding head, it's a better swimcap than any crown you may wear. that's it, smear it all around under your ears, rub it in your recesses, don't forget to get your earlobes. tuck it in.
MBC: catnip conditioner, sea shampoo, i love it. wait i'm losing my hair?
Kitty Nut: part of pregnancy. every woman goes through it.
MBC dives in. wetting her paint-polka-dot blouse.
Dr. Fauci fishing off the boat: i am NOT wearing that Bane mask. wear a mask, Earth population. but i am not wearing THAT mask.
Kate Bush at a coldwater creek: Stevie Nicks is the American ME. it's even more surprising and remarkable "Running Up That Hill" became an insane global popular phenomenon and a hit considering the music video WASN'T EVEN SHOWN by MTV!!! it was canceled!!! banned!!! MTV wanted lip-syncing not interpretive Katniss dance.
Madame Pons: that soap carved like a bald man-troll doesn't smell like Akamaru's pee, it smells like cheese...
Eye Luggage: the forest dwarves are getting gothier and gothier...
Akamaru: i am the most beloved dog in all of fiction. more beloved than Benji, Lassie, or Scooby-Doo.
Formula E: the sound tho
Crank Yankers: if a puppet show had to keep going, why the hell wasn't it Greg the Bunny?!!!
Jerry Seinfeld: you see that bicycle mounted to my apartment wall like that there? yeah i never once used it in the show, there's not one episode of Seinfeld of me pedaling a bike, me riding that bike.
Formula E: F-Zero GX in real life. our steering wheel is LITERALLY a Playstation controller.
Laertus's dad: i never had the McSalad Shakers at McDonald's. cos i was never into salad. i regret that now.
Emma Raducanu in a bikini: there is nothing more beautiful than Raging Waters during golden hour...
Skittles: Sludge The Rainbow
comedian evacuates after active shooter...
SCOTUS: not Scottish.
asador: spit. but not spit like spit. spit like spit roast, rotating meat.
time crystals: what's floating around in lightsabers...
Kool & the Gang "Summer Madness": the first electronica song...
Alan Simpson: remember in more genteel times when i would argue with my Democrat senator friend around the same fireside warm NPR roundtable in a very soft cordial voice. we'd sit around and argue about and over these things called issues...
NPR roundtable: there used to be non-toxic Skittles in a bowl on top of me. Skittles were safe in the '90s...
Hordy from One Piece aboard Noah's Ark: i'm hoarding steroid pills hence the name.
Jessie from Saved by the Bell: ...
Hordy: i'm gonna have one HELL of an overdose...
Thad Foucher: i broke up with Russ Westbrook. for irreconcilable differences. like a Hollywood marriage.
Michael Weiss: the only thing is, all these spam accounts on Instagram, where do they get all these glossy photos of attractive strangers with their groomed dogs from?
Elon Musk: ...
MAD Magazine: the kid version of Playboy Magazine
Alfred E. Neuman: the E stands for Formula E. this WHOLE TIME you had no idea i was a ginger.........my hair color is red.
today in a street tribute to wife Posh, David Beckham got on one knee and...
taking a break in the submarine hatch.
Benoit: Men's Health Magazine literally gives me the creeps...
MBC: there's a Women's Health Magazine, too...
Benoit oh yeah? COOL!!! Karen Gillan on the cover!!!
brain-eating amoeba: there is a lot of brain-melting music being sold at that Amoeba store in Berkeley...
Aussie lemonade: it's not pee...
Gladyce: there's just something about that mysterious alluring black can of Ranch Beans. i must lick those beans.........i don't care if i fart.
Rusacks Hotel: expensive. if you don't pay up you sleep outside in itchy sleeping bags.
Doryce: fuck rucksacks!!!
Rusacks Hotel: aren't we a delightful building?!!! a centuries-old castle that's a real hotel!!! a real place you can stay at!!! we got that charm of a Jack Nicholson The Shining villa steeped in the color of deep grey.
Doryce: you're like a colorful chalet on the Swiss Alps with no way to escape the snow. the roads are always blocked with ice like golf cartpaths.
Rusacks Hotel: we're literally ON the golf course. there's a British Open hole in front of us and a British Open hole in back of us. lots of golfball-shaped holes in our windows...
Doryce: i got a hole in back of me that i want playthroughed.
Rusacks Hotel: what happened to Rory out there on Sunday?
Doryce: his collapse HURT. hurt ME. i don't know what happened. you'd think he'd be motivated after our sex in your SACK, hotel.
Rusacks: we're on Ukraine's side in the war, we just want to make that clear...
Rusacks: and what's up Sergio's butt?
Doryce: not a bee, that would produce honey in his hole. when i was with Sergio he had oily hands he kept scratching. Rory McIlroy and Sergio Garcia, i bagged them both!!! at the same time!!! one of my better threesomes that Saturday night.
Gladyce: you drained the energy from both those boys, dear. they had nothing left in the hyperbaric-chamber flotation-isolation-tank to give but apathy and anger, exhaustion and enervation.
Doryce: our pillow talk after was lovely. Rory talked abut his dreams to me. he said he wanted to be on the Big Yellow Board, he wanted to see his name in First. i told him that yellow sign was who was the best in watersports and golf is not a sport. the best pee-er, you know.
Gladyce: i always thought it was cos the grass at every British Open is always yellow...
Jack Nicholson: Rudram, not Redrum.
Claes Oldenburg: well i WAS old when i died...
Claes: that's a Battlestar Galactica name...
The Red and the Black: the first grimoire at a monastery. the first book all monks were forced to read. historical.
Cotard: tis true. i remember being a young boy with a bowl cut at the monastery getting an A Plus on my essay on this book. i love a good psychological thriller from the 19th century, psychology was in its infancy.
Codrus: fuck all the noise this book brought!!! i cut through it!!! i am clear-cut where i stand at all times!!! i am a Legitimist Jesuit. i am the only-known Republican monk who has ever lived...
Katharine McPhee's wrapping legs: i'm just imitating the very first issue of Playgirl Magazine in tribute...
Eye Luggage: The Flintstones and go. the 1994 movie. also known as The Flintstones Movie and Flintstones: The Movie.
Rubikon: LYNCHING. yeah. it's true. the lynching scene. i mean COME ON...
Steven Spielberg: the '90s were cool. a little TOO cool when it came to policy...
Kurt Cobain: you could get away with ANYTHING in the '90s. you could even break the law when it came to your own life...
John Goodman: i did NOT want to be Fred Flintstone. even though i was PERFECT for it. i mean that is a career-KILLER. a stone-cold CAREER-KILLER. but how do you turn down Steven Spielberg? one does not simply say no to Steven Spielberg...
Steven Spielberg: the movie wouldn't've been made if you had refused to play Fred.
John: just as well. this movie is TERRIBLE. the script sucks, it's awful. but the special effects are SUBLIME.
Steven: it made a KILLING at the box office.
John: i appreciated the hot stones at the Burger King Sauna in my rider, sir.
Steven: be sure to take those vitamins i sent you in the mail in an envelope, John, i'm looking at your body now and i'm noticing you're fat. the purple chalky vitamins.
Madame Pons: yeah it sucks that Fred Flintstone's orange robe hits us over the head with the fact that it's a sabre-toothed-tiger pelt...
Roger Ebert: this was an insult to kids. how is this a family comedy? kids who grew up watching the Flintstones cartoon will have no idea what any of these adult themes being explored here mean.
Steven: the thing is, The Flintstones was originally pitched as an adult animated comedy show, something for the parents to watch when the kids went to bed, it was originally shown at 10PM in living rooms everywhere...
Dino: living rock rooms.
Baby Lightray: i understood it. but i understand you, too.
Laertus's dad: yeah when i watched it i never realized nor got the impression of the adult aspect to it, it was just another cartoon for me to idolize and draw.
Mardith: Mr. Rog Ebert, can you teach me the porn moves you directed in your movie?...
Rosie O'Donnell: i know. i know. i know. EVERYBODY AND THE PRESIDENT BUMP says i was MISCAST for Betty Rubble.
Janine Turner: it should have been ME!!!
Rosie: oh stuff it, snow queen!!! pipe down with an Eskimo pipe. you LOOK like her but i SOUNDED like her. my mouth magically made the Betty Rubble Giggle at audition and i was set for life!!! that ONE GIGGLE gave me my car, my home, and my baby!!! and my talk show!!! screw you, Star Search!!!!!!!!!!!
Barney: a car using your big feet to drive?
Wilma: but shouldn't Betty be HOT? it's just.........shouldn't Betty Rubble be a betty? asking for a friend, woman to woman...
Rick Moranis: Danny DeVito would have been a better Barney. any SNL'er would have been better than John Goodman. even Norm from Cheers. my last name is Rubble? that's insulting!!! imagine Danny DeVito with blond hair...
Elizabeth Perkins: i had to lie down on a piano made of boulder keys to secure the role.........but i beat out Jennifer Rabbit!!!!!!
Elizabeth Taylor: this was my last part. and of course a woman's final role is always playing the bitch.
Fred: always the bitch mother-in-law.
Liz Taylor: i LOVED John Goodman on set, i used his fatass as my pillow, a woman needs her beauty sleep to maintain her youth!!!
Liz Taylor putting on her horn-rimmed glasses: come on, producers, my name is Pearl Slaghoople? i'm trying NOT to be a slag, can i get ONE RESPECTABLE PART before i die?
Bedrock: we're a bedroom community...
Steven Spielberg: i mean i was ahead of my time, these cars that can only be steered with the feet, sure they're murder on the feet but this is the first electric car!!! no gas needed.
Elon Musk: i hate you, Steven Spielberg, dream-killer. why do you have to KILL everyone's dreams before they can dream it? before they have the chance to dream it. it's not my fault, i can't help when i was born!!!
Steven Spielberg: the opening scene. like the tv show originally meant to be broadcast in the 1930s. the famous dinosaur crane and tail slide. you see how realistic that animatronic dinosaur is? i did better work here with these dinosaurs than with the Jurassic Park animatronic dinosaurs. in fact we were so worried Jurassic Park would be a flop we HUGELY ADVERTISED it in this movie.
Halle Berry: my part was meant to go to the real Sharon Stone. there is so much wrong with this, so much to unpack, so many societal strands to pull here...
Kyle MacLachlan: i'm too nice a guy to be a villain, look at my face, i have a trusting face. i'm the only person on this set who ever combed their hair. at this Company, we make.........fuel. yeah, fuel. we crush all the rocks to make gas. even though this is the dawning of the age of the electric car...
Cliff Vandercave: i'm Dutch in a way, i'm from the Dutch side of Pangaea. where do you want to fuck uh flee, my saucy rock-candy tart. let's fuck like prehistoric people, like prehistoric animals.
Sharon Stone: anywhere but Las Vegas...
Fred: what do you eat, Dino?
Dino: Carl's Jr. and Seinfeld characters. i wash it all down with toilet water.
Baby Lightray: yeah i'm better than any of these babies. Pebbles is just Pippi Longstocking, Jr. and Bamm-Bamm is FUCKING annoying as fuck. that's not even a real club!!! it's a plastic club made of NERF.
Dino: EWWWW! that's DISGUSTING!!! the garbage disposal, come on, man!!! what the fuck IS that creature? that creature that burps and gulps toxic green and purple gas? you gotta be humane to animals like me and him on set, it says so in my rider next to craft service. don't eat me as a leg. these poor creatures were never meant to consume whole cans of Coke, just the can, and stray flyaway pieces of leftover food. neglected niblets. animals were never meant to swallow chicken bones with one feather still attached to the bone. let this poor pig become the Green Goblin in peace.
Steven Spielberg: sorry, i had a Gremlins fever dream that night sketching...
Dirg: looks like creatures i draw for my comic books. creatures which keep me alive.
Fred: the Rubbles need the money to buy a baby. i mean adopt a baby.
Wilma: there's a black market for babies in this age, they're all black babies of course because we all originate from Africa.
Fred: i thought Bedrock was filmed at those Star Trek rocks...
Liz Taylor: why did you settle for this deadbeat Fred? you coulda married Robert Redford!!! uh, Robert Redrum. Robert Redrocks, he's an entrepreneur that owns a line of music concerts. aren't you gonna help me up? what am i, the Meg of this universe? aren't you the least bit interested and interesting, Fred? i've fought bigger men than you in a Dallas pond!!! i see what Fred does with all that money.
Wilma, perkily: hookers and blow? as in hook cranes and limestone?
Liz: he spends it all on adoption and babies.
Kyle: this is like the SATs. we're the PSATs, P for Prehistoric.
Fred: Barney ol boy, i got a 1600 on my SATs!!!
Barney: i switched aptitude tests with you, Fred. i'm smart as fuck and rubbing oil on Elon Musk's pale-as-fuck white body.
Eye: Elon's chest is too goth even for ME.
Barney: remember, Fred? the vow i made to you. at the bowling ally. we cried over each other like men.
Fred: it's okay for men to cry as long as they're wearing capital-looking fur-hats made of water-buffalo tusks and we're all drinking beer in a circle.
Richard Moll: the new Night Court with the daughter judge is gonna be WEIRD.
the fellas in heated conversation at a bowling alley: it's like saying the Earth is flat.........this line is not funny anymore in 2022.
Fred: and what was with that bowling alley? it was strange. an outdoors bowling alley? i don't know. i'm drunk a lot.
Dann Florek: this is a corporate longtable. like an MBC/Benoit longtable. after you watch me in THIS you will never again take me seriously as a hardnosed no-nonsense scary boss lieutenant of squadron police detectives. Captain Cragen? more like Captain Craggin'. give me my Shakespeare ruff so i can wear it around my neck to keep my bald head upright and supine and show good posture. i'm from Flat Rock, Michigan, no joke.
Joseph Barbera: why do i have to be a chauffeur valet and YOU get to be on the board in the boardroom?!!!
William Hanna: cos i'm crazy. i did all the WORK in our little twosome. i drew all the characters and created all the characters and slept with all the secretaries and maids like i was an actual executive...
Joseph: i stayed true to my animator roots. and humanity's roots. and that "Tarzan" pop song.
Halle Berry draped across Fred's dungeon desk: i like to work late and i have big tits.
Fred: your boulders? all women have boulders. you're making my penis a rock pile, a rockpile, my penis is now a cairn.
Betty: we're neighbors now, neighbors inside your house.
Wilma: the entire human race lives here in Bedrock. we're all neighbors of the Green Gazoo Genome.
Betty: you got a jacuzzi? a hot tub? a home hot spring?
Wilma: that's cruel, bitch. it HURTS the brown mastodon mammoth to hold hot running water in its trunk like that.
Betty: i call them furry elephants the color of their own dung.
Snuffy from Sesame Street on the Flintstones set: it's a living.
Rosie: how do you get the cum stains out of Fred's underwear?
Elizabeth: i pretend i don't see it. my eyes aren't right, they have no pupils, they're just two black dots!!!
Rosie: sorry babe, you snooze with no eyes you lose. that's why i got the McDonald's commercial.
Dictabird: i'm a dick. i know where the bodies are buried and where the signatures are chiseled.
Laraine Newman: hello!!! sexy is back!!! why did i do that SNL reporter-voice at audition, now i'm stuck with that voice. if i had giggled i'd have a car, house, baby, and songwriter husband. Belushi would still be alive cos i would've been able to afford rehab for the both of us. i traded in my leotard for a cavewoman skin.
CNN: this isn't fake news, there are actual riots going on...
Fred: i'm rich and famous and stuck-up
Barney: you're dumb as a rock. you have rocks in your head, literally. think about it, why would they make a limousine version of driving with your feet?
Fred Schneider: i don't sing, i use my voice to say things annoyingly. it's called Sprechgesang, bitch.
Kate Pierson: why wasn't i Wilma?...
Barney lying down with an ice-pack on his head: i'm sorry, Betty.
Betty: you'll always be a genius to me, Barn. you're a good provider, you'll see this family through. maybe we have to give Bamm-Bamm back, he belongs in a forest anyway.
Barney: only Superman can truly care for that boy. the boy is mine. i'm too weak. i walked down the street yesterday and got mugged by a bird.
Fred at the board meeting: i made clay models to prove my point.........in this age you can mold clay to literally make hot Golem models.
Jonathan Winters: i did the hat thing before Steve Buscemi.
Mike Pence: i'd like one blue raspberry sno-cone please.
Bamm-Bamm: wait, how did i allow myself to get tied up? i'm the strongest human on the planet as of now.
Laertus: i must admit i smiled internally. i chuckled inside when John Goodman yells YABBA DABBA DOO!!! in exclamation.
John: it only works if you fly in the sky and float first. breaking the laws of physics. there's no science in prehistoric times...
Halle Berry: quarry my big beautiful ass!!! now we quarrel in the quarry.
Kyle MacLachlan petrified encased in stone substance: this is fine, i ain't scared, i always wanted to be Han Solo anyway. i didn't get the part. my audition was cancelled for covid. covid started in prehistoric times.
Halle Berry: no. not cool. i'm not doing this scene where i get handcuffed by the cops and led away in a perp-walk. no way. i'm serious.
Halle Berry: at least this was good training for my Catwoman later. the femme fatale who wants to do good, is a good person inside, but had to do bad to make ends meet. i'm just a car-burglar criminal. and is sexy as fuck being bad.
Mr. Slate: i call it concrete. wait, i have a daughter? i really wanted Cragen and Benson to hook up, that would have been a nice pairing, that marriage would have lasted. man i look goofy in these glasses.
Fred: can you loan me a few bucks, best friend?
Barney: chisel them yourself, you ingrate. invent the wheel yourself, you sloppy-drunk shmuck.
Fred: okay. let's be honest, you're more my drinking buddy than my friend. i don't know who i am most of the time, it's like i'm in this nightmare where i live in prehistoric times and i can't get out of it. here, to pay off all the pain i've caused, all the debt i've incurred, all the monetary and emotional damage that came from me, Fred Flintstone, here, Barney, take this packet of ketchup.
Fred: i'm already rich, i have family and friends. rich people in this world get hanged. the Stone Age is over, but Space is vast and goes on forever, there's no point in exploring it. the Jetsons will never be as popular as us.
Seth MacFarlane wearing a fox skin: i'll make sure of that.
Steven Spielberg: back to the classic black-and-white television show of yore. the old series. the head tearing the roof of the car, those fucking large-ass ribs that tip the car carriage over, and putting the saber-toothed cat out with the morning milk bottles.
saber-tooth tiger: yeah i didn't appreciate that, chieftain. who do you think you are, boss? that drop hurt me, i chipped my tooth on the front stoop step and had to go to the dentist who was just a bird. my teeth used to be sexy swords. now they need braces made of concrete. g'night folks.
Kitty Nut at the surface on the boat: how are you doing down there? you've been underwater for two days now.
MBC talking in scuba bubbles: it's called a deep dive.
Kitty Nut: what have you found below on the ocean depths? the missing link? stegosaurus bones with wings? Archaeopteryx?
MBC: it was dark as fuck down there, i couldn't see a thing. then something miraculous happened. suddenly there was this BRIGHT LIGHT overcoming everything, covering the entire ocean floor!!! bathing it in water so i could see. i was able to root out the weeds and the catnip and save the kelp forest on the seabottom soil. i saved 5 years' worth of crop from predators!!!
Baby Lightray: that was me. that was MY light. hi. sorry for that sudden stomach pop. like a stomach pump. it's a pain. that wasn't you feeling the decompression of coming up for air. that was me. like a tummy tug. like a tummy tuck.
Baby Lightray jumps from the bottom of the ocean into the boat.
MBC takes two days to dive upwards back to the sky and into the boat. she dusts off her wetsuit, combs her stringy hair that stings, and shakes hands with Baby Lightray.
MBC: nice to meet you, i will be your mother. i didn't feel it before but now i feel it now that you're not in me. embezzlement, mother-in-law problems, office politics, extramarital affairs, these are things our family will never have to endure now that you've been born.
Baby Lightray shaking hands with MBC: hello, ma'am. nice to meet you. i will be your meaning.
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