Berwin Berwick flips his Shaggy hair back and attaches it to his left nostril. he's calling from a burner walkie-talkie at Glacier Bay.
MBC: where you at, brother?Berwin: practicing for the Himalayas.
MBC: why?
Berwin: aren't you even the least bit concerned i could flatten? you know we can't all be you, you're the one who got all the old money, my family was your fam. do you know how much it costs to cash a startup?
MBC: you need angel investors. or devil investors. or you need to BE the investor.
Berwin: you get all the ink, in paper and on your chest, but i ain't salty like your precious ocean. i'm making a name for myself separate and apart from you. i still love you tho, sis. i'm working on this Himalayan pink-salt lantern that'll aid in the expedition. carved it myself with a toothpick.
MBC: like your toothpick legs. i hope you don't get cold. hope your legs don't catch cold. love you, bro. and i say that without ever having stepped foot in a frat.
Berwin: tryna get a patent over here...
Berwin: remember our vacations?.........sis? you there? you still on the line?.........oh well. i'll talk to myself then. i remember our family vacations, my favorite spot was the Submarine Voyage at Disneyland. the Beatles soiled yellow submarines for me, i soiled my pants every time i saw the Beatles cos i was so nervous around them on tv, but this ride made me a man again. i went back there to relive my youth. i was listening to the new Stabbing Westward album on my walkman while in line. Stabbing Westward haven't done an album in 20 years. i simpatico with the lead singer cos he looks like me, but he looks COMPLETELY different now that he's cut his hair short. no more black leather pants if you want to ride the sub. from now on in my mind i will forever associate the image of Submarine Voyage sans water with those weird blue kelps, the crazy coral, those sponges that should be spongy but are rock-hard, and this new Stabbing Westward album. they sound EXACTLY the same from their "Shame" days.........except the last song WORKS which is not the case for that last Veruca Salt song on THEIR new album, the girls were STRIVING i could feel it they were trying for something big but it just doesn't reach there what they wanted to do, the song doesn't QUITE end like a last Beatles song to close a Beatles album, you know?...
MBC: hello? you still there?
Berwin: hi.
MBC: i'm having a baby.
Berwin: i know. did you get that thing i sent you? the letter? it contained a photograph of me rubbing your belly without you knowing, you were locked in looking up distracted by your party guests above and didn't see me touching your stomach. taken at Glacier Bay. well a waterslide that was constructed to look like it was made of penguin ice. i knew before you!!!
MBC: that was Alarm Bill in that photo rubbing me. Alarm Bill wrote a song about my baby. the lyrics are all about "SuperBaby" and such, a ray of light emanating from Madonna's butt.
Berwin: WHAT?!!! THE FUCK!!! I am the one who's supposed to be in a band!!! i wrote that song, Bill's plagiarizing. yeah those are my lyrics and whatnot except mine are in Swahili, i was going to send the cassette tape to you but i was traveling at the time. the reason it never got to you is that song took me 20 years to complete. you have no idea how much of a bitch it is to gather everyone back, even Eric Clapton, sign contracts again, and wait for covid to end.
MBC: wanna talk to my newborn baby?
Berwin: hello, baby. choochie choochie coo, don't run off with a hoochie like your uncle.
Baby Lightray: clean yourself up, dude.
John McEnroe: how are you enjoying our second date at Raging Waters? or third date if you count the time i spied on you from the giant water bucket.
Emma Raducanu: YOU followed ME to this waterpark. you're dripping, old man. you who wears socks on the OUTSIDE of your shoes...
John: i'm wearing your bikini. in solidarity. look, despite what the media has pressed on you, i actually do have your best interests at heart. you're good for the game. our sport is sinking like wet French soil. tennis is dying. you're talented. you're young. you're beautiful.........but mostly you're BEAUTIFUL. let me be your coach again.........NOT sex coach!!! tennis coach.
Emma: here, some yellow cotton candy for you. the color of your cowardice and the color of the two tennis balls above your wank.
John: can you at least do me a favor, doll? pretend we're having sex on court at the U.S. Open during your opening match so everyone and Bud Collins will be distracted, all the cameras will point to us and beam it to Murdoch Tower and that'll be the diversion needed for my boy Novak Djokovic to slip in through the side-gate and they'll have to let him play then, it's a Customs illegal immigration situation then, he's on the land, he's on the soil, they can't kick him out.
Emma: i'll do it if Novak Djokovic drops trou, takes off his tennis trunks, swings his shorts, and i get to inject the covid vaccine directly into his butt personally with the longest sharpest needle i can find. my dad's got a sword in our basement to protect me against internet nuts who want to sally over for tea. do you have the nuts for that? show me your nuts, John McEnroe.
John: my HBO documentary comes out July 4. that's what this was all for really, it was one long advertisement...
Michael Richards at a pitch-black Brooklyn nightclub: it's an honor to shake your hand, Mr. Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson: that Kramer thing you do, that's a complete ripoff of me.
Michael Richards: i am so sorry about that, Mr. Nicholson.
John Goodman: with a beard i look exactly like Ricky Gervais...
Hawaii: we're not just paradise. we're hard. we're tough. we stage the Ironman Triathlon each year.
Laertus's dad: imagine a lazy Saturday afternoon for a pioneer in a log cabin with one lantern in 1742. what would the pioneer be doing with that Saturday back then?...
the crones one apartment over.
Doryce: i'm gonna shower with the bathroom light on.
Gladyce: whatever for, dear?!!! that just wastes electricity!!!
Doryce: i need a warm atmospheric glow when i bathe...
kayfabe: Method acting.........with consequences
MBC: how about watching some whitewater rafting videos?
Benoit: whitewater vids? yeah i would but all the men on those inflatable boats are annoying meatheads who talk over each other the whole trip down the waterfall, not meditative at all.
Takahashi: if you go the miles, if you trek state lines, to get to a Starbucks Drivethru, you gotta get a COFFEE, man!!! all that for a lemonade?!!!
Bergen, Norway: we are a separate country from Norway.........but it's not a Texas thing. look at our own icy blue mountains!!! we have our own houses!!! our own colorful houses, the Bryggen.
Laertus's dad: i just want to be an anonymous actor...
Eric Andre: you want to know what pink sauce tastes like? why didn't you come to me first...
Mardith: you know i was a cheerleader, right? you know i'm Los-Angeles-born-and-bred, right? i was a cheerleader at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, it doesn't get more L.A. than that.
Takahashi: Taco Bell, i love you, but your napkins are too small...
Carmel Bach Festival in the woods: all that great historic Bach music.........without any more babies being made.
Robina Courtin: reality ain't no naked blue video game. i straddle the line between crone and monk. i'm a monkette. look at my genuine smile, i made the right decision. you should have seen my deathly-worried face when i first stepped out in my monk robe and shaved head...
Toonami: No-Stabbing Wednesdays is in full effect.
Christopher Hall: *sadface*
Nicolle Wallace in studio: i have to pretend that i don't know you, that i have no idea who you are, that you're just another stranger guest.
Mike Schmidt: why?
Nicolle Wallace: it's the only way you can keep coming on my show.
Elizabeth Taylor: i put Pharaoh's Oil in my bathwater.........as Cleopatra, i wanted all the tan young men in my court to drink my bathwater.........to keep them healthy. and healed.
Kitty Nut: i traveled the world providing research for fur Purina for their Fancy Feast Medleys. i am the only cat who has ever stayed overnight at a European hostel...
Liberty: do not attempt to buy this insurance.........and to have fun with young people on a backyard-pool rocky slide.
Tunisian government at the airport: make sure you vote so we can end democracy...
Dave Pirner on a ratty couch: the "Runaway Train" video, that's not an Apple iPhone in that burly brutal bald tattoo'd dude's pocket, that's a brown knife!!! a brown-leather knife. "Black Gold", with electric cars, no more oil people...
Corita Kent: i taught Supergirl everything she knows.
Helen Slater: hi mom. you're like a sister to me.
Doryce and Gladyce: damn. Corita Kent beat us.
Corita Kent: like the nun i was. those techniques i learned at the nunnery i used after for my relationships. i hope you like BDSM with nun cosplay...
Violetta Laze dunking the mineral pool: oh who am i kidding? nobody lives for the small moments. nobody wakes up saying,
"all i want to do today is smell coffee."
Space 22 restaurant one balcony up: Ten Forward in real life
Royal Space Force: The Wings of Honneamise: we're so good we even nailed animating the yawn.........open mouth, tongue fluttering in the wind, tears in the eyes, WE DIDN'T FORGET THE TEARS IN THE EYES!!!
Gorgosaurus skeleton on display at the Met: i'm gorgeous.........i painted my toenails red orange and pink, that's not Mars red dust on my toes...
Author! Author!: the ONLY time Al Pacino EVER did a PG movie...
Jeopardy: we made a non-decision decision...
Georgia Kernell: i'm playing Liz LeCompte...
me: *deep long sigh* i coulda fucked a professor...
Eye Luggage: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie and go. this is the ONLY way to say this movie.
Tommy: not morphinominal, more phenomenal...
Dann Florek double-dating at a steak diner with MBC and Benoit: tell the story, Mariskacakes.
Mariska Hargitay: well, i was supposed to play Dulcea. i even got a six-pack for the role. but i wanted to spend time with my family for Christmas. they had the nerve to keep filming in Australia during the Christmas holiday. see i forgot, over there in Australia it's hot during Christmas so it's good movie weather. i was let go cos i was a bit flighty back then, young. it was worth it, that was the last time i saw my father alive teaching me how to pump iron...
Karan Ashley: for the last time, i am not Trini. for the last time the Yellow Color thing is racist to both of us. for the last time i know this movie sucks and it would have been better if Trini had been in it....
Johnny Yong Bosch: how do you think I feel? i barely talk in this. but i do have ONE MEMORABLE LINE...
Steve Cardenas: i'm not the porn one who went to jail for slashing my roommate with a scimitar. i don't think. hey wasn't i that young Boy Ranger in the series?...
Paul Freeman: i was the only ACTORE in this lousy production, the only one that made this filthy film worth seeing, Roger Ebert said as much. you could tell i was Shakespearean-trained, i said the lines with VERVE and PANACHE and sounded like i knew what i was talking about. i had COMPETENCE and PRESENCE. of course nobody lest little kids know what i look like cos my face was covered in purple paint Price made himself inside Prince's own small body.
Haim Saban and Shuki Levy: i know why this was a box-office boon but a critical failure. we advertised at DISCOVERY ZONE instead of Chuck E. Cheese!!!
Shuki Levy: Vangelis is still dead...
Discovery Zone: the Power Ranger you're looking for will not be making an appearance here today but hold on to your ball pit ticket, you never know...
David Yost: by this time i was SICK AS FUCK TO DEATH of this whole Power Rangers thing but i needed generational wealth and i couldn't play golf. tho i could pass for Arab...
Bryan Cranston: why wasn't i in this? i came up with the drug angle. i wrote the kissing scene for the 2017 movie but they cut it. why? it was sexy but sweet, a very kid-friendly kiss.
Bulk and Skull: wait, we can't jump out of a plane!!! we don't have our Elvis costumes on yet!!!
announcer: if you land on the red spot on your skydive down to the grass ground, the Earth goes boom.
kid: look, dad!! my favorite Ranger!!! Tommy!!!
dad: that man stole my woman, son.
kid: i'm so excited to see the comet pass by us!!!
Tommy: hey kid, one day the Earth will explode. and i'm the only one who has a spaceship...
dad: thanks, Tommy. the Hope Comet is named after Ryan's Hope the soap i would have starred in if you hadn't stolen my audition, Tommy.
Ivan Ooze: 6000 years ago we didn't have this inflation. the ozone was fine, it was made of ooze. ooze zone. and i was handsome, like picture Robert Redford but purple. i like my eggs scrambled.
Rita Repulsa: why'd you look at me on your eggs line? yes, yes, i only go for real men. men are only good for one thing: killing.
Takahashi: rollerblading. rollerblading was SO COOL in the '90s but man is it lame now...
Alpha 5: would you hit a woman? cos i'm a woman.
Ivan Ooze: every woman i've ever dated had a robotic voice...
Zordon: why is my bed now a discarded piece of prop from the set of Superman? i have ice crystals all around me and my body has gone cold. type AB for alien blood. i'm dying, Rangers, i only have two more breaths left. attach me up to that Darth Vader breathing mask even though i'm good. why do transfusions cost so much at UCLA? why does my lower body look like a giant Slim Jim beef stick?
Kimberly: YOU CAN'T DIE, ZORDON!!! i haven't cried yet, this is my big emotional scene.
Tommy: hey look at me. as the twinkling stars sprinkle my body i'm orgasming, look at my face.
Kimberly: i'm orgasming too on my face as the stars come in and surround my body. the little twink twinkle stars. except my face is more like Cathy's from the comic strip.
Ivan Ooze: kids, tell you parents to eat glue. adult glue. they'll know what you mean.
Tyzik: this was obviously geared towards children, only children can save the day and all the parents are dumb, the parents are LITERALLY zombies. rents short for parents and you have to pay rent to them...
Fred Kelman: that is not a kid's name. anyway, kids, we need to form a Kid Nation like that one on CBS!!! your parents have been brainwashed. by politics but also the ooze. you have to listen to me, i'm wearing my baseball cap backwards.
Tengu: we got Judy Garland's permission. we're flying monkeys but we're on Mars so no copyrights apply.
Dulcea: i'm Xena uh Dulcea. i was supposed to be on that Better Than Ezra video. my eyes ARE the sea. see? the greatest ability is availability, i got the part simply because i'm Australian and understood the weather patterns around here. as a girl i rode my bike through that same quarry the boys did, the boys of Breaking Away...
Johnny Yong Bosch: i'm a frog.
Dulcea: that was funny. so you're the ONLY one i'll kiss.
Johnny: can i touch your Xena boobs?
Dulcea: no.
Johnny: i'm learning what it's like to be an anime voice actor, frog girls and no touching.
Dulcea: i cannot leave this circle or i'll age and end up a hag like Mariska Hargitay. i shall turn into an owl instead. who cares what JK Rowling thinks...
Tommy: see that golden ancient-ruins temple in the forest? THAT was the inspiration for the Legends of the Hidden Temple reboot which was a tepid disaster, not that Dora the Explorer shit. i stan for my Nickelodeon fam. family is everything to me. whoa! these animatronic dinosaur skeletons are more realistic than the real dinosaurs in Jurassic Park!!! Ninjetti? sounds like a Chef Boyardee can of wheel pasta in butter sauce. sounds like a Ninjago ripoff.
Blue Ranger: the Monolith has Stone Gargoyles we have to fight and Stanley Kubrick comes out of hiding...
Jonathan Frakes: and i finally get to kiss a man on Star Trek. Riker was gay, that's what opens the portal.
Kimberly: that right THERE was our chance to kiss. the sun going down on the beach next to the big crag rocks by a spraying Big Sur ocean wave. and seagull noises.
Tommy: yes. but we didn't kiss.
Kimberly: would have been perfect. like the end of that M83 "Teen Angst" music video.
Ivan Ooze: Angel Grove residents, commit suicide and become angels.........damn this is DARK for a kid's movie!!!
parents: it's better than working construction...
Scorpitron: '90s graphics, the same graphics on your computer screen at home!!!
Fred: spray your parents with water!!! it works on our cats!!! our cats aren't with us anymore.........they left.
parents: this feels nice. it's HOT in Australia now...
Ivan Ooze: yes i like Ozzy Osbourne and Christina Aguilera...
Ivan Ooze: my mother wanted me to become a space meteorologist...
Tommy: you good, Zordon?
Zordon: thanks, Tommy, you saved the day again. i hate your hair, Tommy. Tommy, why was it the style in the '90s for men to wear only one earring? yeah i lost a lot of blood. yeah, plasma screen, that's what i use to project my big-ass face.
Tommy: hey kid, you want to join the Power Rangers one day? be a Boy Ranger or something?
Fred: nah, you guys crack the backs of lobsters to eat them, that's not cool.
Mordant: i'm happy in my life.
Zordon: you stupid kids saved the sea but that fireworks celebration was over the ocean, the fireworks seeped into the ocean and polluted it!!!
Rita Repulsa: don't worry, i turned the fireworks into giant snowflakes!!! that's worse!!!
Rita Repulsa: i can't laugh my signature evil laugh, that's copyrighted by Japan...
Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chili Peppers: we were so high when we did this soundtrack. blind with money and power. we thought this was for the porn version of Power Rangers. that's why we arrived at the studio with no shirts on. yeah like i thought i'd be the Red Chili Ranger in the porn...
Flea: i'd be Ranger Boy...
Anthony Kiedis: g'night folks.
MBC, Benoit, Baby Lightray, and Kitty Nut are gathered round the big table in the glass apartment for a grand spaghetti dinner.
MBC: not spaghetti, sagegetti. we're preparing our minds for the big climb tomorrow.
Benoit: i found pubic hair in the bath today. one of mine, it looked like a spider. i saved it, i didn't crush it under my toe.
Berwin eats his spaghetti on zoom from a tiny tv screen on the table.
Berwin: who cooked this?
MBC: Benoit does all the cooking, i'm a modern woman who's killing it!!!
Berwin spooling his spaghetti around his spork: i wanna be a husband ho, too.
MBC: i'm too busy coming up with the ideas to cook. like this one: REAL Krabby Pattys!!! huh? right? real-life Krabby Pattys made from kelp. i call them Kelp Help.
Benoit: haute cookure.
Berwin: yeah i don't know.
Baby Lightray: remember, break off a little chunk of lantern and sprinkle that dash of Himalayan pink salt on the spaghetti instead of more tired green cans of parmesan cheese.
Berwin: um, yeah, i was gonna say that...
Kitty Nut: the baby learned to speak from me...
MBC: early to bed early to snore, team, a beast bitch of a mountain awaits us in the morning. greeting our unshampoo'd hair. hey Berwin, don't be snorting any of that pink salt into your nostril tonight to prepare, okay bro?
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