Friday, July 8, 2022




* the runcible spoon, get it?

* in the end it's all nonsense in the end

* Billy Wirth: why yes i do smoke American Spirits, why do you ask? why didn't i get more meaty parts?...

* Delta Airlines: your airplane journey with us will be like the know, that book you were forced to read in class and forgot about after getting a D on the test? Homer was the first TikToker. The Lotus Eaters were the first vegans.
Kraken Boss: i like your ideas even though you're a woman. but one thing about this new Jordan shoe: how will it fit ME? i have EIGHT stumps for shoes.
woman: the old man with the long flowing beard carved in the rockface is giving me the middle finger!!! how can you CARVE that?!!!
Odysseus: impossible. that's me.
Washed Out: hey all these sheep? yeah i used them in my "Amor Fati" music video, they are pliant but only if you feed them tiramisu.

* Trivago
woman A: i paid a penny.
woman B: i paid a pretty penny.
Trivago Guy: but remember ME?!!! what the hell happened to me? i went down an illegal sugarcane-transporting waterslide deep in the jungles of Mexico and was heard from no more. do you know how much I cost to get me back? i'm priceless, they want a prisoner swap...

* Subaru: everything can be fixed. the Subaru can be fixed. except if your car is set on fire or your car hits a Denny's, in whichever order...

* Apple Watch: everything can be fixed. the Apple watch can be fixed. unless you're using a wooden racquetball racquet, you fall into a boiling Carlos Reygadas Mexican mudbath lake, you fall on court like Maria Sharapova, or your blood tastes like spaghetti sauce.  

* Metaverse: hey buddy, LOOK OUT!!! a car is veering right into your body but you're wearing the Meta pale-white goggles!!! they're antiseptic and doomy-looking for a reason. these gray goggles connected in one pane are very THX 1138, very clean dystopian future. what bad luck you have, you get run over and die RIGHT as Elon Musk is pulling out of the Metaverse deal where he would have OWNED ALL OF THE AFTERLIFE...

* Eric Andre: Arby's is my favorite sandwich...
Eric Andre: another season? sure. but only if i get to interview Power Rangers i like. I get to choose the season, okay?!!!

* Venus Williams: Clif Thins, like Clif bars but with HALF THE NUTRIENTS. my sister Serena was gaslighting me telling me commercials were hard. but why aren't i narrating, that sucks.

* remember when you thought the old cackling evil wraithe witch woman with the white hair was kinda hot?

* Falkor's babies were the Teletubbies.

* that's Tiger Woods out on the golf field as an older gentleman after having not won any more Majors, coming close but no, still under Jack Nicklaus by ONE.  

* 3AM-4AM: the best ideas hit, you dance in your MC Hammer gold pants, but the problem is you write about a world that doesn't exist in daytime. and Fedco sells groceries.

* the pea won't talk but the pliant runcible fork will. i'm George Will as a Robert Crumb character.

* it's just a pea, muchacho, and i'm on the Watchmen. the DC Weightwatchers...

* Homer Simpson: Kurt my son, your musical talent will have to save this family. you can't fail. at least make four albums.

* Tony Robbins: i'm melting cos my face is made of butter not cos of allegations. it was all done with heavy-metal music in the background.

* Sam Smith Sychedelic

* Dinosaur Jr. has the time machine, not the astronaut from 2001.

* cool church character: a lot of dry-humping in our flock today.
Elaine Benes: ...
cool church character: wanna conquer addiction? get yoself a wife who's comfortable making porn with you. don't be ashamed of your body, cover it up. i am creepy but i find a woman attractive, that's a breakthrough for me. 
Ice Cube: God has a butt. i've seen God's booty, bozo!!!

*  i want to touch it but i have no fingers. can i touch it with my forehead?

* pyromaniacs have butts, too... 

* Japanese songs aren't nonsense, they come from a really cool culture that the world is too hardened to understand, grasp, and adopt. R.I.P. Shinzo Abe.

* if you sprinkle bacon with lettuce juice it's okay.

* lost golf balls make the best earrings.

* pea: you knew i'd talk eventually. but did you know i'd have a toilet for a nose and liver for a heart? we are your sons and your suns, father, don't kill us, we need a mommy or we can't be umami.

* Michael Weiss: if you keep scrolling eventually you'll land on a picture of yourself...

* Frances Farmer: i'm a homeowner now. manufactured outrage belongs on an electric guitar string. the minute i met this man at a Qdoba three months ago i knew we'd consummate under a Joe Pera bean mister forever. it's tough for us folks who willingly knowingly shun Chipotle, hard to find a Qdoba, they're only on Air Force bases.

* gummi monster: this is humans' final form. humans evolve into alive Trolli beings who waste their lives on the internet.

* Samuel L. Jackson: WHO CUT MY RIBS?!!! carpet is the new bitcoin you keep in your wallet. 

* the Pack at Great Wolf Lodge: come over and experience THREE GIANT BUILDING-SIZE WOLVES!!! have revenge on your bullying schoolmates, chattering coworkers, or greedy golf buddies. 
Cathy from the comic strip: i was the original Chatty Cathy...
the Pack: nothing too violent, nothing too drastic, just some nice Falkor revenge.

* Courtney Cronin at ESPN: i'm Cruella de Vil when she was still hot and young.
Mardith: fuck being a busy media person...

* stomach vacuuming: when you vacuum topless using only your stomach to steer like in Working Girl.

* caretaker prime minister: Mary Poppins

* when the herd moves it moves: especially when it goes the way of the buffalo...

* Karlovy: what Bruce Wayne is to Batman, Karlovy is to Karnov...

* Boris Johnson: remember, i'm part Muslim. remember when i saved Franny Alexander with a bike?  i saved her form that Ingmar Bergman film festival. 
Lance Armstrong: i remember. Franny is my daughter...
Dobby the House Elf: why you no be friends with me, Boris? i invaded Ukraine cos i have no home!!! FREE DOBBY!!!

* Anton Corbijn: Corbijn, not Cobain...

* Control (2007): don't you love how this film is in black and white?...

* Djokovic: what do i drink from these magic bottles by my court chair? water.........from California.

* Mt. Rainier: Rainier is rainier, the rainiest...

* Kelly Burke: yeah i'm a gilf on a motorcycle, i'm a cliche Everwood old granny hell on wheels sowing her wild quaker oats retired free spirit from Carmel living on the edge cos i couldn't when i was a girl.........but i'm also a Meals On Wheels volunteer.

* Jamie Rappaport Clark: i'm the REAL Mother Nature!!!!!...

happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: it's a mystery. Burger King. how do they do it? how do they keep coming up with NEW DIFFERENT ways to make a burger? i mean there are only so many ways you can cook and topping a burger. to do it is to through it. Southwest Bacon Whopper, excited for this one, tortilla chips inside the bun... 


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