1. you found bags of money in an empty storage room, it appears to be around $100000 cash. do you
a) take the bags home, count the money, roll around in it, and daydream about how you will spend it
i turn it into a McRib NFT. and this is coming from someone who DESPISES bitcoin. i don't have any friends, i only have bitcoin. bitcoin is the only one who returns my letters.
b) get the hell out of the storage room leaving the money behind
do an Edward Packard
c) take some to pay immediate bills and cover a nagging debt
i've punched a couple holes waiting for the rain to come. it's here, i stand outside and revel in the light spitting
d) call someone you trust and ask their advice
i would but Regis is dead
e) take the money to the cops
no, i prefer that red Coca Cola firetruck that just whizzed by
2. have you had your wallet stolen?
no, robbers know i'm a writer and poor so they leave me alone. i can't win, if i get a big bulky wallet that makes me seem like i have a continuous boner in my shorts, that's not a good look, tho it keeps my vaccine card. if i get a clip and put it in my shorts pocket i'll lose it in the park when i play chess with Master Roshi.
3. have you ever been the victim of identity theft? people thought i was Mariah Carey, but then they looked at their watches after taking Orange Sunshine and realized November 1 is Mariah Carey Day, today is Mariah Carey's favorite day cos the Christmas season starts.
4. how do you let loose?
i want to dance a '60s shimmy like Wednesday Addams but i'm more like Lurch
5. finish this sentence: people often say to me ____
go fuck yourself, demon detective
BONUS: do you have a lot to say? yes