a collie spaniel tries to cross a British street.
collie: my word. what the fuck is wrong with the road i live on? it's so damn CROWDED! i'm only noticing this now that the pandemic has come to an end. i almost got run over just then! not safe for a single girl in London anymore, i've tried to buy my first flat and owners like me are chum to predatory mortgage lenders. i'm not going back to my master. or my mistress, i'm gonna go scurry and tell Mardith tomorrow is 11/11. i'll buy myself poppies from Mercury himself if i have to.
Emma Raducanu raises from her slumber in her brand new mansion, 9 Downing Street.
Emma: i'm not related to Dracula. what the fuck did i just do? was that all a dream? i don't have to do anything anymore in life, right?
her first text in the morning is not from her mom but from Leylah Fernandez.
Emma: of course. what up, bitch.
Leylah: i fucked your boyfriend.
Emma: oh hell naw, girl. okay okay, war is on, i'm up. i just remembered i'm rad, i gots stuff to do today, i'm fixin to cause a ruckus tonight.
MEANWHILE Pat is in San Francisco along a street he had always wanted to live on when he was at Princeton.
Pat: ah the air here is so rarefied, i want to live in this bubble, this PBS fever dream, this liberal utopia nestled along cobblestone roads, hilly moonlit skateboard lanes, a Ralphs grocery store in the middle of the cable-car route, and all the fish a meat-eater can eat!
Pat spots the brand new KQED headquarters.
Pat: it looks like it's on the MOON!!! there's art but then there's San Francisco art!!! nothing like it, it's just better.
Com Truise: the woman in the "Brokendate" music video.........R.I.P. Halyna Hutchins.
Pat walks uphill despite his shot shins to the auditorium staging area outside, he sees in glass stacks of redded-wood layers piled down scrunched together in a smush to form a stage, and he gets nostalgic. he sees pinned to the stucco walls old dingy Broadway bills advertising shows which would never fly in any part of the country: talks on decency and diversity in the jobs of ant-observing, speeches about the hidden haunted places of the Bay Area and the best haunts to drink fruity vodka after. the only forum where Gavin Newsom had a one-on-one with audience questions for Fauci and nobody booed.
inside the silver-rocket the place is empty despite no masks and open to the general public.
Pat: that stage looks so inviting.
Nicole Tersigni: i dare you to jump on it, the wood will catch your fall.
Pat: who the fuck are you? is this a sign?
Nicole: hate to be terse but what art are you?
Pat: not a monk nor Xavier Renegade Death Angel. everyone thinks i'm cool jazz but i'm really warm apple pie.
Nicole: what the fuck are you doing here?
Pat: starting over. i'm starting my life over.
Carly Severn bursts through the backstage.
Pat: o.m. fucking g, you're CARLY SEVERN!!! i am your biggest fan!!! i want to fuck you!!! we can shake hands again, right?!!!
Carly flashes a well-known Oakland gang sign.
Carly: BORN OF CANCER, DIES OF CANCER. that's what i was told. anyone who's born under the sign of Cancer will meet this fate, nothing you can do about it.
Pat: you're so brave.
Carly: OAKTOWN!!!
Michael Weiss Tyzik: damn, Google Pixel 6 Eraser! don't erase the nice couple in the background of the picture! the woman was on her knee just about to propose!
samurette: the lost Ninja Turtle
mayana: the poinsettia drug
in the ring
Ye: i hereby challenge Pete Davidson to a boxing match.
Pete Davidson: but i've already fought Machine Gun Kelly, that's like KO'ing Jake Paul.
Blake Shelton: shoulda been me as the voice of the final Early Cuyler. i'm the country hick the coasts can tolerate.
Dolly Parton: can i play Filthy Frank?
Julie Brown: wanna know why i'm not in Hollywood anymore trying for a comeback? Shakes The Clown.
Dirg: you won't admit this out loud, but you were watching the first two episodes of the final season of Squidbillies with Unknown Hinson's voice in your head saying the lines instead of Tracy Morgan. and realizing these first two episodes COULD have been good, the writing was there.
Cecily Strong: i'm Gloria Steinem for millennials.
Goodie Girl Cookies mint slims at the Virginia Slims tennis tournament: yeah we're a discount version of Girl Scout Cookies and twinkies, that's why the girl in our logo is hiding her face in shame.
Courtney Vinopal backstage: no i'm not PayPal. but i will be your pal. getting to know each other, REALLY getting to know the person before the sex.
Laertus: Movember is a Democrat thing, we're actually trying to help people. No Nut November is a useless Republican alt-right thing.
at LUSH
Dirg: whoa! what is that GIANT ONION?!!!
Mardith: that's my aromatherapy diffuser.
Dirg: you're just another duped The Onion reader. you've fallen victim to their lies. their liberalism won't save you. they're actually against women.
Mardith: come on it was cool when they did that character of Joe Biden as an average joe wearing a jean jacket with no sleeves driving an Elvis car with a silver hood-ornament of a three-antlered deer. i do actually have a Yankee candle under my care, they're pretty cool, i like the long messages on their labels.
Dirg: it only works if it's a Damn Yankees candle.
Malvina Reynolds on stage: Chad Reynolds is my favorite boy. i raised Jonah Hill in Long Beach away from the madding crowd, he learned to toughen himself on those fat waves. we live in a box, but you already learned that from Gwen Stefani.
Laertus's dad: i remember Malvina, she died right before i was born, she reminds me everyday that it is possible to concentrate at Berkeley and get a degree...
Malvina: i look like Marilyn Monroe and sing folk protest songs...
Greta Thunberg: Cop? COP26? i don't trust cops!!!!!
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Vincent Gardenia: i should have played the father in Breaking Away, i AM Italian. wanna wife-swap?
Eye: On Her Majesty's Secret Service and go.
Daniel Craig: the only Bond film i ever watched.
Laertus's dad: me, too! it's considered and cited as the best one.
Geroge Lazenby: well that's interesting that's it's the best one cos it's the only one i starred in, what does that tell you? it wasn't cos i was lazy.
Ian Fleming: you really decided to stick it to me at the premiere, didn't you? like they did with Unknown Hinson. why, George, why? why, Fry Guy? this is the only movie that actually adheres to my novels!!!
George: what, the beard?
Ian: James Bond shaves cos he's rich. he's not some street beggar.
George: i thought it was cos he was classy.
Ian: you looked on that red carpet like you had just invented social media.
George Lazenby: the other fella didn't have to deal with this, didn't you like that wink to the audience?
Diana Rigg: yeah but you learned how to slap women from Sean Connery. as you can tell, George and i did NOT get along on set.
George: what. i just wanted you not to be a diva in your heated trailer while the rest of us were filming in the god damn snow!!! it was fucking Below 60 out there! British Celsius! one of the cameraguys lost his life hanging by a helicopter having to film a revolving restaurant!!! you could have some consideration!!! not from Oscar. i didn't touch you and you screamed rape.
Diana: now you see why this was his only Bond film. i wasn't gonna be just another Bond Girl from this film.
George: it was my only film.
Telly Savalas: who loves ya, baby. the answer is me. which one of these Bond Girls do i get to take home?
Talky Tina: me, you blowhard.
Ilse Steppat: my tale is one of tragedy. i was the best actor in this BY FAR, the most appealing woman for Bond to bed cos of my drive and designs on power, but i died before i could capitalize on my fame.
Ilse Steppat's family: actually it's for the best you died. you received COUNTLESS pieces of hate mail for drive-by-shooting the only woman James Bond ever truly loved. you would have died shortly anyway.
Lois Maxwell: i always cherished the relationship Moneypenny had with Bond, you can see it in my eyes in this film, i LOVED Bond, i loved the man, it wasn't a sex thing. i was Bond's soulmate all along, his only logical choice for wife, that's why i was never hired again, the producers realized i would kill off the Bond Girl gravy train. give me my coffee!
Virginia North at the Virginia Slims tennis tournament: i had a thing for kissing Frankensteins...
Angela Scoular: Bond beds me in this.........let's face it, that's what drove me over the edge, i became crazy later in life. no amount of Reese's and the "Buttercup" song can help what was going on in my brain. i scoured the world for Merlin but got Loki.
Joanna Lumley: i'm the only one of the Angels of Death who made it in the biz afterwards. what does that tell you?
Mona Chong: labeling me Chinese Girl, it took many years but finally China's on top of the world and the rest of you guys are finally gonna pay!
Sylvana Henriques: come on! you have me only me eating the banana?!!!
Bond: you want me to date your daughter?
father: marry her and i'll stop crime. i won't be a hero but i'll stop my crime.
Bond: um, this doesn't make any sense, your daughter is Diana Rigg, she's WAY too strong-willed a woman to ever take orders or directives or advice from a man. Diana Rigg does what she WANTS.
Dirg: boo, they don't show the sex.
Bond: is that Herve Villechaize i see down below in that bullring?
Bond: where is he? no not Freddie Mercury. WHERE IS THE BUBBLEGUM KING!!!
Piz Gloria: don't pizz in the snow. we're on the French side of the Alps. we're so exclusive we didn't even hire Jacques Pepin to be a cook, we sent him down to Howard Johnsons.
Dirg: can i just take a moment for me to sigh internally and breathe heavily as i witness this dinner scene, it's so glorious...
Bond: are allergies really that big of a problem? just take Airborne.
Blofeld: bacterial warfare. i mean germ warfare.
Bond: bacterium? viruses?
Blofeld: yes it's basically covid. but covid the Earth contracts, no COP26 can save it.
Blofeld: dreams are dangerous and destructive, especially Hollywood dreams. Elysium is a dream.
Laertus: okay i admit, the skiing scenes are stylish. men in tuxedos skiing down a slope shooting guns is suave.
Archer: told ya.
Dirg: IT'S NASCAR ON ICE!!!!!
Eye: you only know the feelings you're feeling are real, that it's really love, if you do it in a barn.
Popeye: also known as a poopdeck promise.
Laertus: the ultimate pillow talk is hay talk.
Maria LaRosa: and of course there's an avalanche. if there's snow there MUST be an avalanche.
Dirg: even i gotta admit that's dank. Diana Rigg's OWN FATHER slaps her. not that hot anymore, makes me think of my own father.
Diana Rigg: would never happen to me in real life. this whole movie is rigged!!!
Mlem and Blep: yeah totally unrealistic for us, too. Blofeld's cat would have taken over the world in a mouse's heartbeat.
Laertus's dad: and just when you think this movie is over.........they do it in a bobsled!!!
Walt Disney: that's what gave me the idea.
Bond: you're finished, Blofeld! a Jamaican is steering my bobsled!
Idris Elba: yeah, and a Jamaican will one day take over your job, Mr. Bond. that's Suicide Squid Games.
Blofeld: i'm not an ambulance chaser, i need a personal-injury lawyer. and some hot cocoa from a Swiss mountain villa. my neck really hurts i need to wear this neck brace at all times even during sex.
Neale Donald Walsch: ...
Diana Rigg: well that was a nice ceremony. Serano did the vows.
Bond: where's my wedding gift?
Diana Rigg: here, it's a plastic coffee-stirrer, the most useless invention of all time.
Q: that hurts.
Irma Bunt: TOMMY-GUN MY CUNT, BITCHES!!! I'M WEARING TOMMY-JOHNS!!! I DID IT FOR DRE!!! SACRIFICE BUNT!!!!!!!!!!
Dirg: why is this movie so long? g'night folks.
Ebert: i remember this scene now, i was never into Bond films but i remember this exact scene in one of our year-end Top 10 lists. so depressing, made me lose weight for the first time in my life.
Mardith: that is NOT the way to healthy weight loss.
James Bond: this is why i always say: flowers are bad.
Diana Rigg: how sad is this character. my character goes from almost suiciding herself in the open ocean to getting murdered the moment she finds love. this ain't freedom. g'night folks.
Pat: i have all your Vogue covers!
Carly Severn: i only did one.
Pat: i knew watching every episode of iCarly would pay off one day! believe me, i forced myself to watch that third season.
Carly: i was iCarly before iCarly, just like Martin Yan was the Food Network before youtube.
Pat: can we date?
Carly: no.
Pat: okay fair enough. but do NOT tell me your status i don't want to know.
Carly: alopecia. but unlike Michael Jackson my bald head makes me better-looking. i auditioned for the rebooted part of Blofeld but was rejected even tho i nailed Telly Savalas's voice like James Austin Johnson.
Pat: yes you are sexier this way. you look like if Marlo Thomas took over Audrey Hepburn's body which happened in Hollywood in the '60s, a lot of underreported body-swapping.
Carly: conspiracy theories suck.
Pat: *sigh* i know. let me help you with articles for your paper. i'm no writer but i can write just like i can eat. i notice you do a lot of human-interest about-town stuff, sex in the age of the pandemic, why everyone's saying fuck it and swiping right at EVERYTHING...
Pam Shriver and George Lazenby are downstairs sitting at opposite corners of the couch in the living room of Emma Raducanu's mansion.
Pam Shriver: did you fuck Emma Raducanu?
George: NO!!! shhhhh quiet she'll hear you! don't turn this into a Degrassi moment!
Pam: don't shush me! i knew it! my friends were right about you. Navratilova tried to warn me about you, Martina has a sixth sense about these things. i figured i would marry you when you were a one-trick pony and no longer hot. i'd fulfill my lifelong dream since i was a little girl of pursuing on a zipline and actually getting to marry James Fucking Bond.
Diana Rigg: it's no picnic, babes.
Pam: the only way it was gonna happen for a girl who looks like me was to get you after the world had forgotten about you and you were old gray used and decrepit. i regularly beat you on the tennis court.
George: The World Never Forgets, i mean The World Is Not Enough...
upstairs
Emma Raducanu: mate i mean i'm no princess but DAMN. you did it with my mortal enemy?
Frances Tiafoe: nah she lying like Aaron Rodgers. you birds be crazy. look at me, i'm a physical specimen, i got too much testes energy to blow on one girl. i need the world.
Leylah Fernandez: bitch i'm comin for you, one day i will live your luxury, mark my words. YOU STOLE MY LIFE!!! that U.S. Open shoulda been mine, you faked bleeding out like you were having a baby.
Emma: i was having a cow, cow.
Leylah Fernandez: how did you beat me anyway?
Emma: didn't you notice my serve was different in the Final?
Leylah: yeah, the 45 angle was 55.
Emma: that's all due to my new coach. we woodshedded it in the back at night, i bounced the tennis ball off the shed and he changed the angle of my serve.
Frances: you dumped your childhood coach the moment you got famous, typical.
Emma: yeah i need a TikTok guru now not a coach, someone to manage my accounts.
Leylah: and your affairs. i see you working, angling for the best catch when it comes to the paparazzi press, but i'll get you next time, Raducanu.
Emma: so are we doing this or what?
Frances: shut up and let me concentrate.
Emma: you do know how to do doggystyle right?
Frances: shut up you're ruining it!
Emma: the annals of anal. i thought you were smart. is this your first time having sex?
Frances: forget it! forget this i'm too busy anyway, i gotta jet, i don't got time for this drama, go back to your twerking to get your socks off, i gotta save my country back home, i got the world to inspire, later hater for life.
Emma: laters. laterz.
the bedroom door has been swung wide open this whole time, bathing the two naked bodies on a lumpy mattress in cascading yellow light, and Tim Henman saw everything...
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