Doryce: i have a caca problem.
Gladyce: say what?
Doryce: it came so unexpected. i was not planning on this today. suddenly i squirted brown all over my panties.
Gladyce: what'd you eat?
Doryce: i don't understand, it was just some bone broth and a grilled-cheese sandwich you microwave first then toast. i've had to go to the little girl's room three times and launder twice.
Gladyce: did it get your dress? undies are fine but if it catches your dress...
Doryce: that's okay, i like being naked in public. it's weird, i wash my hands cos i need my spell-fingers clean or my spells don't work, i've washed them 4 times but they still smell of caca.
Gladyce: four is an unlucky number, dear.
Doryce: even pre-covid. i put my fingers inside my nostrils and take a big whiff. my nose and cheeks smell like cigarettes.
Gladyce: that's an omen, they reek for a reason, they put poo in cigarettes, time to quit, babes.
Emma Raducanu: someone, please get me to a hospice, i don't feel right.
Leylah Fernandez: oh god, even I feel guilty now. didn't mean to strike you THAT hard. just scare you a little.
Emma: it's not a blood thing this time i promise.
Leylah carries Emma over her back to the hospital, grudgingly.
Leylah: damn, you're lighter than me.
Leylah: there, i don't have to pay for you, it's socialized.
in the weeks that follow Emma loses EVERYTHING. her fortune, her fame, her fam, her boy, her house. her money, her sponsors, her manager. she turns into a Dickensian hobo on the cobblestones.
Tim Henman: i don't want to work for a witch like you but i have no choice, i have to pay for my crumpet addiction.
Leylah: Poppins pussy, do my bidding!
in the weeks that follow Leylah takes over as the new Women's #1. she gets all the magazine covers, especially that National Geographic one that has her with murder hornets on her face. and all the endorsements Shaq used to have. she lives in the mansion and becomes Prime Minister for a few seconds whilst Boris undergoes a colonoscopy. after an alt-right administration takes over for good the recordbooks are changed to reflect that in fact Leylah had won that US. Open.
Leylah: look i'm trying not to be a bitch about it. look at me here, i don't need no maids for my six storeys but you will not deny me my SHOE COLLECTION!!!!!!!!!!
amidst hot flashbulbs popping glass and the grey smoke that follows and billows up, Leylah in dark sunglasses makes an announcement at a press conference in Vegas:
Leylah: i have dropped Tim Henman as my coach. too gay for me, i need a strongman. i have hired Sting to be my new coach and manager.........i mean i've hired Martin Page...
at KQED Headquarters
Carly Severn is at her mirror in the middle of the stage applying her lash.
Pat: you got some nice big juicy eyes.
Carly: did you do what i said? did you strike the stage?
Pat: the lights are on delay. the cool Tron neon floodlights. not aboard the barges on time. Biden gave us back the sun so i can wait.
Carly: that's gonna be cool when we replace this spotlight with the floodlights.
Pat: i've been thinking about you all day. i want to run my fingers through your hair. i want to feel safe in your broad shoulderpads.
Carly: tell you what, let's have a trial run.
Pat: dry or wet?
Carly: i've been dry for years.
Pat: no i mean the trial run.
Carly: take me to Bay-Curious tonight and we'll see where the night takes us.
Pat: okay. wait what?
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: know why i've been laying low for awhile? that SAC 2045 thing was.........not very good...
Physicians Mutual Physicians Mutual: creepy commercial. it's like we were doing a Squid Game Disneyland...
Dirg: who the fuck puts their PhD diploma on their Wikipedia page?!!!!!
two week fog: not the brain disorder, an actual two weeks of full fog in Obec
Art LaFleur: i was a coach......not a baseball coach, an acting coach. i kept my life COMPLETELY PRIVATE, that's how it should be. you have no idea who my wife is.
Takahashi: Pacific Grove pizza, ain't nuttin like it. Mountain Mike's in Pacific Grove, the only one in the franchise to serve slices to compete with the mall hustle n bustle of Pizza My Heart.
Dipper from Gravity Falls: i'm Morty from Rick and Morty as a kid.
Alanis Morissette: who knew i was an NFL fan? but i root for the Texans so...
at the Olympics
monobob: not monoboob
Dennis Perkins: why the FUCK wasn't I asked to write the SNL Oral History book?!!!!!
Matt Frewer in a pilling blue cotton bath robe: that's why my performances were so electric, i was hopped up on coffee, jonesing on joe. i was the Java Junkie.
Rosey the Robot: i cried but i pushed my tiny arm through the door all the same. it's my first day working for GrubHub. i am humiliated.
Phoenix and Laertus's dad: great, the Great Data Blackout of 2022 that changes the world forever not in a good way takes place on our birthday, March 22. thanks, Blade Runner. we do love the doves tho.
Scott Stapp: i can't stop singing "What If" cos my bloody eyes got damaged traveling at 50 Gs like my uncle John Paul Stapp.
Australia: Adele who?
Pauline Kael: okay so i was wrong on Blade Runner. i'll never trust that Roger Ebert again.
Ridley Scott: that won't be a problem anymore.
Pauline: sorry, i'm just mad that nobody remembered i died because of 9/11. here, i got you an apology gift. can we be friends?
Ridley: what is it?
Pauline: a cell phone.
Sandra Bullock: i've never tried truffles.
Keanu Reeves: here. with wine.
Sandra: what's that knock on my door?
Keanu: Nic Cage with his roving pig on a faux-leather leash, do NOT let him in.
Gladyce to Doryce: dear when it comes to trash bags, the only choice is scent. not size.
Doryce: but i'm a size queen.
Gladyce: which scent will our trash bags be?
Doryce: there's only one choice: FABULOSO!!!!!!!!!!
for the show portion of the date that night Carly Severn tours Pat around the KQED public classical-music underground indie radio station.
Pat: i never knew Samuel Taylor Coleridge composed classical music.
Carly: i'm a dangerous DJ here. i only play at 3AM. i graffiti'd all the cushion walls full of insulation inside this soundproof room here myself.
Banksy: i should do a podcast...
Gladyce: i'm going to CVS to get my booster.
Doryce: good, pick me up some opioids.
Michael Strahan: i'm going to space to find my tooth.
Yung Pueblo: i'm divorced with seven baby mamas but none of that matters, 7 is a lucky number...
Pat: a city shouldn't be this quiet at night.
Carly: look at the Golden Gate Bridge.
Pat: the Golden Gate Bridge is a bridge of chills this nite.
Carly: it's enveloped in a dark fog. we must never let up. only the Tron building in the center of town there pierces through the smog not ready-to-burst raincloud.
Pat: with Tron arrows of neon light, it doesn't rain in California anymore.
Carly: at Ralphs along a very steep hill in the Market district of San Francisco i get my oat milk. only two glass bottles left. one chocolate. a slim gal in a powder-blue hoodie and spindly legs and ponytail reaches above my head for a packet of 35 strips of maple bacon. thing was heavy and the bacon crashes on my bonneted head slipping off the kerchief revealing my bald head. "SHIT" the girl murmurs organically without a care for the consequences. that was hot, i wish i had this girl's presence and freedom when i'm on stage.
Jennifer Lawrence: i didn't ghost you, the universe ghosted me.
Moreton-in-Marsh: the Smurfs really do live here.
Lance Lear: Pedaling Picasso will be remembered long after i am forgotten.
Ryan Seacrest: i just want every baby in the world to smile.
Halle Berry: i French-kissed Melissa Maker.
The Neon Demon: we finally found out where that crystal Pink Floyd triangle comes from...
Eye Luggage: I Am Curious and go. the other half. who lives better? the Blue one.
Dirg: confused. do you watch this INSTEAD of Yellow? IN SPITE OF Yellow? BECAUSE of Yellow?
Laertus: it's weird cos it's kind of a companion to Yellow. or another version of Yellow. yet shouldn't you just watch the whole 3 1/2 hour spectacle to get the full breadth of it?
Eye: very Blade Runneresque. Yellow deals with the external forces, Socialism and Nonviolence. Blue is more inward-looking, the girl's lost mother et al, the Freudian stuff.
Vilgot Sjoman: i'm no Ingmar Bergman, i've been told that every day of my career. but man do i wield power! i mean because of me, little ol ME, an entire political party was created in Sweden to combat my sins! our version of Pat Robertson sprung up because it turns out i let it out of the bag that homosexual men have sex.
Mlem and Blep: ...
Lena Nyman: the greatest day of my career was when i did Autumn Sonata. i had the honor and privilege to be included just a bit into that extraordinary roving repertoire. even playing a Bergmanian invalid there was more life in my eyes than when i played your spunky reporter, Vilgot. sorry, Vilgot, i know you worked hard.
Lena: meritocracy? how absurd. a healthy society is one where its dumbest citizens can prosper.
Lena with hairbrush microphone: can any of you fuck a woman without getting her drunk first?
men at dance: ...
Lena: you made all women wallflowers! retiring when they're 18! no more wine for you men. truffles only.
Vilgot: i did everything, i was the cameraman and the writer. they told me let the young people dance, they don't give a shit about your movie. but i told them that it's not love unless it's done in a barn...
Lena: is sex the greatest joy in life?
out-of-town girl: no, Roger Federer is the greatest joy in life. i'm from Switzerland.
Lena: hey, do you know who the King's new girlfriend is?
out-of-town girl: Sandra Bullock.
Vilgot: singalongs sound better on the freeway.
Lena: is the baby gonna interrupt our fucking at all hours of the night like this?
Borje: yes, that's what babies do. they cry.
Lena: then i don't want kids.
Borje: too late, we just had sex, remember?
in the car not at the dealership
Lena: i got you. your entire religion is a lie. your whole life is a lie. the church is the ultimate patriarchy. life is about the children, and everytime you turn a page in your Mormon bible another innocent child in Africa dies. you can't convert if you're a pervert. you want to wait till marriage before sex? what if you never meet the right person?
gospel apprentice: woman, dry-clean my white suit. then wear it, i don't care anymore.
Vilgot's woman friend: is this a cabin-in-the-woods situation?
Vilgot: yes, but no horror.
Vilgot's woman friend: but everyone keeps telling me i'm going to Hell. so i have to do an explicit lesbian sex scene?
Vilgot: Sweden, baby, it's Sweden.
Vilgot's woman friend: even tho i'm not a lesbian. okay, i'm only doing this cos you're my friend, Vilgot, and i trust you.
Dirg: POSTER SHOT!!!
Bim: Bim is a cool name for a woman.
Hans: i bought a boat cos i have a small penis. but that's just it, i want to play this character as extremely WEAK, uncertain of his manhood, goals in life, and ability to satisfy a woman.
Vilgot: for fuck sake, man, you're a professor! what's the point of being a professor if you're not confident?!
Hans: why do i have to slap my wife? THAT's the only way to assert my dominance? that's a bad example we leave Lena about love lasting and enduring for two old people even tho we're both 30.
Vilgot: Lena, do not avert your eyes. look directly at your parents. your naked mom and your naked dad, making love in front of you, that's why you live now.
Lena: this is hard to watch, not hard in that way. okay, now i know why mom left us...
Vilgot: i wanted Lena's mom to have brown hair, brown hair is mysterious in Sweden, blonde is so passe and ordinary and boring, a brown-haired Swede could be Carmen Sandiego.
Dirg: this is so dumb. the entire POINT of this whole THING is for Lena to finally confront her mother who abandoned her her whole life and really hash it out with her, explain to her that Lena is the way she is because of this trauma when she was a kid, she's spunky and severely smart and anti-authority and a wild child and reckless with her beliefs and lusts cos the mother couldn't provide her a stable home. hell that's how i explain myself. but then when we get to that fateful face-to-face stand-up-to engagement encounter, the MOVIE ENDS WITHOUT ANY AUDIBLE DIALOGUE BETWEEN THEM!!!!!!!!!!...
Lena: it went something like this:
Lena: hi, mom. i forgive you.
Lena's mom: sorry.
Lena: gotta say you weren't what i expected. i mean i'm really hot, i got a nice bulbous body and big tits, i saw you naked and you were just flabby...
Lena: g'night folks
Pat: WOW. i really appreciate this, Carly, i am honored and privileged that you're letting me see the inside of your pied-a-terre. hardly any fans get access like this. i got nothing. i got nobody to come home to.
Carly: and now for the dinner portion of the date. it's already tomorrow and you can stay.
Pat: what does this mean? i can stay here?
Carly: today's the day. the day of my Friendsgiving. and you're invited. what i'm saying is i consider you a friend.
Pat: that's the greatest thing that's EVER come out of a woman's mouth directed at me, and i'm not even kidding. can i hug you?
Carly: hug my bald head.
Pat: you are kinky.
Carly: mantap mantap, steady steady. mantap mantap in all things.
Emma Raducanu: in my time away from the game i've learned to radically rearrange my priorities. i see all rejection as redirection. what am i here for? to fuck? or to help out? i reconnected with my parents and shut my yap for once to let them tell me the old stories as they burned my painted fingernails off. i have a new mission in life: to advocate for better Chinese representation. like that James Bond film, what was that flick called? On Her Majesty's Secret Service. no one's character will ever be called Chinese Girl again. she will be fully-realized and fully-blooded and vivacious and full of potential like me. and while you're at it, Idris Elba or Lara Croft or whoever, add an Ecuadorian Girl who specifically knows the right agriculture patch to plant and sustain those particular tiny Ecuadorian orange bananas...
Emma at her comeback press conference: just trying to keep everything equal, folks. i'm 19 and 19 in the world, just trying to keep everything even.
on the court
Emma: come on whaddaya say.
Leylah: fine. i do need a doubles title and i have no friends. doubles is way more lucrative than singles, doubles teams get the Sports Illustrated covers.
Emma: my dad's not an emam. i mean we're here in paradise. Hawaii i mean. on the set of Sesame Street. we're playing Dolehide and Guarachi in the finals.
Emma: so how was Fran between the sheets?
Emma: i saw your wedding photos in People Magazine. don't know why you didn't invite me to rub it in my face, figuring out a destination wedding is better than hiking in a dumpster.
Leylah: not as satisfying as you'd think, he was impotent in bed.
Tiafoe in the stands: jeez, man, i can't win either way! hey Leylah, why don't you use your clout to help elevate the Filipino people like i do every day. i lifted the entire island above a volcano once.
Emma picks up her racquet. Leylah picks up her racquet. they hit each other, their racquets, like they're about to throw down with swords. but in a playful way.
Emma: i can do this. i can live another way. i can live another life. you never know when your life will change for the better or take a turn for the worse. i can do this. i have to do this. i have to live regardless. i raduCAN do this!!
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