Friday, November 26, 2021




* Vegas wasn't cool until Zack and Kelly came to town

* at the beauty salon next to Hollywoodland Hotel, Mark Hapka leans back on a blue-toweled metal chair getting a pedicure as the guilty verdict is read live on tv in front of him.
Mark Hapka: i'm clapping my hands and my toes.
Mark looks at the clock, it's 11:11

* Michael Weiss: i'm changing my name to Grimoire.

* crones: it's just sad that as we near death the only thing we do is go on Instagram...

* Stephen A Smith: i got the same tiny-hallway overhead light as Laertus's dad and Phoenix.

* at the Hollywoodland Hotel basement where the auditions take place
chemistry read: nothing to do with high school. but of course also an independent short film shot in San Francisco.

* Madame Pons: tons and tons of soaps that look like medium-sized three-antlered deer available now at LUSH. also at LUSH: Goryeo cake carved into little pink balls of soap. 

* Dirg: why does my Old Spice Wolf smell like apricots?

Gladyce: it's just regular ketchup, dear.
Doryce: aw, that sucks, i missed Halloween this year.

* Nicole de Boer: why is it that i'm always the one that replaces the original lead female on a series. Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Catwalk...

* Doryce: my whole body smells like poo, like there's poo hovering around my whole aura.

* Taco Bell subway cosplay
Kylo Ren: finally i get to show my geeky side, SNL didn't count.
Kenton Chen: i'm actually a long-haired guy, they're trying to make me the girl in this, which is ironic my whole life.

* Mardith: that's me as the girl with purple hair!!!!! memory i'm remembering of my nostalgic childhood...
Backstreet Boys: look, don't blame us for the collapse of grunge, we asked Kurt to harmonize with us.

* Amazon kindness
Phoenix: i can't do this, it's bringing up too many college lecture memories, that whiteboard that flips over is like my Nam.
girl: i have so much anxiety.
elderly woman: it's not the pandemic, you just need to get off Instagram. also our spiral staircase doesn't help. here's a birdfeeder.
girl: thank you, i'm gonna quit college and fly away.
woman: how about we take a semester off to read all of Maya Angelou's memory books.

* Billy Corgan: i need that Target bag!!! it's so Aeroplane Flies High box!!!

* T Mobile Holiday Bundle
Phoenix: that's Amy Schumer.........right?
Bayne Gibby: no it's me, i get that all the time.

* Verizon Christmas tree photo
woman: you want me in the holiday photo? but i'm not part of the family. and i'm fat.
Kate McKinnon: hey girl it's okay, this is me you're talking to, come on over!

* "Memories" by The Flamingos
old man: Siri, play Poison.........not the rock band, the R&B song.
Belita Edwards: i'm Christel Khalil's mom.
Jack Tripper: am i John Waters's son?

* courthouse
Paul Scheer: remember this set from Kentucky Fried Movie? my wife plays the mom in a movie about the '80s that came straight out of Phoenix's mind.

* Saving Simon
 - no icicles, flagpole tongues, or Wild Rumpuses, Rumpii, were harmed in the filming of this commercial
 - all human sweat is melting
 - i root for this family, they have a Pizza Hut tiffany lamp and their frozen boxes say Taco Tuesday.
 girl: fuck the Coke cans, put the snowman in the cooler!
 - wait the BROTHER was the one who knocked over the snowmen? it wasn't a bully? this family is messed up.
girl: fuck humans, i waited for the pandemic to end to spend time with my SNOWMAN!

* Marley, meet Mother Nature from SNL, go on a combo horse-and-carriage-and-car trip through Central Park.

* Matt Damon: fortune favors the bold. except when it comes to barbecue sauce. the barbecue sauce in the McRib NFT. life is filled with almosts, like we almost got the Thanksgiving myth right. and then there are those who embrace the moment and commit, we call these people actors. i don't like it any more than you do but crypto is the only thing that can fund when we have to switch planets to Mars...

* elderly woman: don't scowl at me, you little bitch.
elderly woman: thanks, kid, but you didn't need to build an elaborate series of tunnels made of cardboard boxes lit up like a Christmas tree, i don't mind wearing a mask.

* Phoenix: poor Cooper Manning. and Archie is only known as Peyton and Eli's dad.
Peyton Manning: i'm a history buff.
Cooper: i thought you were an actor.
Halle Berry: i'm Cleopatra in this. you can hardly recognize me in my roles anymore.

happy weekend, my babies

okay THIS is what i'm thankful for this week: not the Thanksgiving feast.

the ITALIAN CHICKEN SANDWICH is back at Burger King!!!

quite honestly i longed for this more than the McRib!

no Frozen Cokes at Burger King? hmmmmm...

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