Friday, November 12, 2021




* Liv Benson and Ell Stabler: we're quitting the show. finally. SVU just isn't the same without Garland.

* why the FUCK is it 100 degrees in November?!!! i've had to Febreze an old shirt!!!

* havening: what Batman does in the evening

* phallocrat: we're not on the ballot

* Dirg: can an alpha male be Forever Alone?

* Una Mullally: i have the most Irish name of all time

* Elle: i'm not Fena, even tho we both must unlock our pasts. she's pirates, i'm Blade Runners.

* Mindy Cohn: for the Lifetime movie about Kelly Osbourne getting sober i'm perfect to play Kelly Osbourne, got the purple hair and everything.

* Dirg: who knew you could recycle gigantic tree branches, large limbs, and wet leaves!

* Dirg: see? TED isn't a talk, it's an eye disease.

* Chuck E Cheese: C U Soon. i work for Dominos now.

* A Pizza Divided
man: why must we fight? the battle of the sexes will never end.
woman: Little Caesars, isn't the Stix side of the pizza just a cheese pizza cut a certain way?

* Scott Van Pelt: hey Wendys, i did this first, I brought adult swim into the mainstream. the Aqua Teen Hunger Force were three nobodies before me.
Wendys: it's impossible to go up against McDonalds. impossible. what's popular with vapers? Rick and Morty? okay fine.  

* what exactly is peppercorn?

* McCormick: don't worry, we sprinkle a little peppercorn on our baby's bald head, too.

* Mercedes Benz
Marley: wake up and get woke.
Scrooge: Marley?
Marley: in the past, horse-and-buggy not the husband/wife sex game. in the present still coal and 30-lane traffic jams in China. in the future, electric cars.
Scrooge: good. good to know the future is bright.
Marley: not for you. you were executed by the state for being the world's greatest polluter all-time.

* Kate McKinnon: we give you a new phone. we fix your old phone. if you deliberately break your phone we don't do shit for you.

* Finch
critic: Tom Hanks is perfect. not in this role, Tom Hanks is the perfect human being.

* Macbook
Melissa Maker: are you sure you want a band named Deathpact advertising your stuff? 

* Wendys Spanish
man: what, nobody saw Love Actually in Mexico?
man: you're hot.
order girl: gracias.
man: and crispy.
order girl: oh.
Phoenix: they're very nice in Mexico, they don't honk like Americans, they just flash their lights silently.

* Congress: sure you're not just distracting us and the world with this Meta thing?
Mark Z: the Meta launch was scheduled for today.
Congress: yeah these Meta graphics are REALLY bad. youda thunk virtual-reality graphics would be WAY better than this, we're not supposed to know whether reality is real or not.

* T Mobile Magenta MAX
coach: remember when adult swim had competent comedy? competent live-action comedy?
Yvette Nicole Brown: i used to be on Drake & Josh.........i don't want to talk about it...

* Jonathan Brandis: if Neverending Story 2 had been The Wheel of Time, i'd still be around today.

* TJ Maxx
Phoenix: that opening so reminds me of the start to Where The Wild Things Are

happy weekend, my babies

tomorrow: Jack In The Box. not for the Chipotle Taco Burger or whatever, i'm after Jack's head!!! this isn't an online threat, i want that Jack Head to wear around the monastery Christmas party like i'm a Disneyland mascot. 

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