the Transylvania Open is up and kicking. some might say it has raised from the dead. so well in fact considering this is the first time the WTA has put it on.
Emma Raducanu: look, i didn't enter this tournament cos i'm Romanian or related to Dracula or anything. i did it because i mean look at this tournament! this tournament is fucking PERFECT!!! it's a purple court, a PURPLE court, the tournament takes place THE WEEK OF HALLOWEEN, and the winner's trophy is filled with candy. right, uncle?
Bela Lugosi: indeed. i was a youth tennis star back in the old country. i coulda turned pro but i got scared every time i looked at the net, i kept thinking it was the cobweb of a giant woman spider who would seduce me dead with her film-noir gams fangs.
back at the hotel, which is actually Dracula's Castle with cobwebs, the night before the tournament is to begin, Emma has a heart-to-heart with her new coach, Tim Henman.
Emma: Tim, why are you dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire?
Tim: that's Mr. Henman to you, young lady! i mean Ms. Henman. this isn't Mrs. Doubtfire it's Mary Poppins!!! do you youth not know ANY history of your proud parentage that isn't Meta?!!!
Emma: i should honor my mum and dad more. sorry about all the sex i've been having.
Tim: never mind all that, you don't have to give me the details unless you want to, unless it'll heal you or something, we have time for that, i'm all ears. Dracula ears. i want what's best for you forever. you gotta start concentrating on what really matters in life: TENNIS!!!
Emma: but isn't tennis just a game? sex on the other hand leads to love and isn't love what life is all about?
in the locker room before the first match.
Emma: why are there cobwebs in my locker?
Leylah Fernandez: OH GREAT. of course it's YOU as my first-round opponent. the tournament organizers are evilly laughing right now behind a mirror full of spots.
Emma: just play fair and square, bitch, honor your name.
Leylah: so Cam Norrie's cute, huh hon?
Emma: he's a dreamboat.
Leylah: see you out there, bitch!
Carly Severn is applying her purple eyeshadow on a circus mirror that's old-skool and dusty, not a high-tech influencer circle high-beam light.
Carly: so Nicole keeps telling me she wants to be more than an assistant to me and for me.........she wants to do me not just my makeup.........but it ain't gonna happen, i mean everyone at work falls in love with me.........thing is i really do need an assistant, an assistant's hard to come by these days. wait why am i gossiping with you?
Pat: cos Nicole isn't here. hey can i jump through that giant metallic hoop you guys use to promote all your KQED shows? i love that thing.
Circus Coo: careful kid, that hoop elongated my legs, stretched my shins out so long my back arched for weeks. at the end of it i was taller than any of my male counterparts so i didn't have an excuse to wear Redbottom heels anymore which crushes a girl.
Meghan Markle: my dog went through that ring and was saved! he was able to escape the cruel world of the London press hiding out in California.
Humphrey Bogart: here's looking at you, kid. wow Meghan, you're actually prettier up close than in your paparazzi photos! next time get your dog a bitch to keep him entertained. what, it's the '40s.
Meghan: we thought of that but decided on Guy.
Humphrey Bogart: i would never do you like Hitchcock did that bird dame. i know my birds from my birds.
Guy Forget: that ring is a Ring of Salvation!!! and so began my journey, everyone thought i was just some guy so in order for the world to pronounce my name correctly i had to sign up for mall karate and get myself a gi. some say i derive pleasure from accumulating more and more karate belts cos i use them for sexual choking. that is between me and my wife. a white belt works just as well as a black belt. relish in the free press while you still can, before it's wiped from the world. don't you ever forget it. and don't you forget about me.
Com Truise: my video for "Brokendate", look at it on the big screen, it's the new Tron ride. the entire music video for this song is the Vaporwave "Take On Me" by a-ha.
Jurgens Cloud Creme at LUSH: we're a very rare cookie flavor. we can only be made into a cummy cumulonimbus cloud one day a year when an Alberta clipper enters an atmospheric river.
Michael B. Jordan: i'm officially changing my name to B Jordan.
Michael Jordan: thank you, everyone wants to be Jordan.
Takahashi: i go with the Stacked Grilled Cheese Burger at Jack In The Box cos it looks cool, it's aesthetically pleasing.
Leo Borg: it's gonna be a tough life for me. i'm gonna have it rough.
Roger Federer: notice how the legendary tennis players didn't have fathers who played tennis? or didn't play tennis well. that's the only way it can work, a legend can't come from a former legend.
Vince Locke: i was denied grilled cheese sandwiches as a kid.
E.T.: the John Lewis Christmas advert for 2021 was good this year, they're back on track. but they shoulda leaned in for a mouth kiss at the end.
Madonna: Gaga's just friends with Britney to spite me.
Dirg: see? Young Justice Season 3 used the word pandemic in 2019!!!
Fanny Mendelssohn: i'm the Dolly Parton of my age. not taken seriously on account of my tits. not my butt. i'm talented, my works rival my husband's.
Blade Runner Black Lotus: we made the type as small as humanly possible, but not Replicantly possible. writers strike in Hollywood.
Alessia Cara: my intro song shoulda been called "Little Light".
Niander Wallace: i know it's CG computer graphics but i don't look like Palpatine at all.
Max Headroom: hi.
Tommy Lee Jones: i deserved to die over the edge at a boxing match, the irony.
Elle: i was chased down with my friend and fellow Replicant Avril Lavigne. in this cyberpunk world the phones are steampunk.
Wes Bentley: i stopped drinking.
Naruto: even in cyberpunk it all comes down to a ramen stand.
Mardith: nice bounciness to that fighting woman's butt there, the 3DCGI accentuates it. cool anime is cool.
Peyton List: i really need to change my name to Peyton Roi...
Doryce and Gladyce: carrot cake, dears, it's what old people are into now.
Dirg: crones is carrot cake spelled backward. and i do mean spell. and i do mean backward.
Big Bird: i got the covid vaccine today. and notice how early i got it, early bird gets the worm.
Laertus: i guarantee, the author of the critic article has a wife, ALL of the commenters do not.
Jake Gyllenhaal: but i don't wear scarves.
John Mayer: i do.
Robert Crumb: Fritz The Cat as a tv show, why hasn't anybody pitched this yet? it's perfect for adult swim. okay well it's perfect for Netflix.
Dirg: The Whitewater Center looks like a vagina.
Helen Hill on stage: i was doing this stuff WAY before the new futuristic glass KQED building was constructed. i'm a true orphan. cos i'm an orphan of the heart. and now an orphan of the soul. the creek waters can't clean my films. i named my kid Francis cos i felt like Kurt Cobain living in Katrina. i would have made Tiny Toon Adventures so much better.
Jo Firestone: i had the adult swim version of Sex and the City.
Cecily Strong: with my ex as Mr. Big!
Diane Robinson: i'm the real Tomb Raider. the real Runway Huntress. no blood diamonds please.
chukai: Malaysian meditation town of real-life Evangelion
Dirg: we need more Paul Romanos, artists who ride motorcycles.
Paul McCrane: all artists ride motorcycles.
Jade Munster: blame Rob Zombie.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Robert Pattinson: i channeled James Bond as i played Batman...
Eye Luggage: Mr. Mom and go.
Michael Keaton: i channeled Superman to play Batman.
Laertus's dad: storytime. i remember this movie in bits and pieces. i was at the St. Cyril's rec room with the vomity orange carpet around 5th Grade or so, raining cats and dogs outside which was unusual for Los Angeles. our minder was Lou this butch lesbian musclebound woman with shaved head orange mohawk wearing a plaid vest and faded jeans before Kurt made that cool. i hated her at first cos she got on my case treating me like a detention delinquent, a hood hooligan, not realizing i was a straight-A student and special. but we chilled the ice a bit when we started talking movies. turns out she discovered Michael Keaton before Batman at a cool comedy club in Arcadia. she cracked a smile for the first time, i made her laugh and knew i was Michael Che. she howled like a banshee when she spotted this movie in the TV Guide listings and agreed to have the detention class watch it in secret of the nun principal.
Laertus: what were you in detention for, dad?
Laertus's dad: peeing my pants one time too many. but dammit i never saw this movie!!! i remember the commercial for it on Gold Channel 5 with Michael Keaton and the chainsaw, right after Northern Exposure, but five minutes into it and my dad came to pick me up in the rain. i love my dad but i wish he would have been 2 hours late that day.
Michael Keaton: when i'm holding up my baby's butt to the air-dryer in the public bathroom, don't do that in real life, folks, that's a lawsuit, that's all Hollywood smoke n mirrors.
John Hughes: yeah sorry i'm weird like that. did you have any idea i was married?
Michael Keaton: they use that same air-dryer air now to Ninja Foodi your chicken-cheese nuggets.
Dirg: stay-at-home dads are still frowned upon in Asian countries.
Emma Raducanu: i need to change this perception.
Takahashi: it'll only work if Emma does a Shin Chan special.
Michael Keaton: i'm Jack Butler. get it? butler?
Teri Garr: still pretty hot for being 40 years old in this, right?
Dirg: it's impossible to be 40 in the '80s.
Taliesin Jaffe: my name sounds like peanut brittle.
Martin Mull: this is weird, i'm usually the good guy, the sage, the man with the plan, the one bringing a bag of wisdom, a pouch of prudence. because of my beard i'm often mistaken for a wizard, i'll take that, i'm my own god anyway...
Ann Jillian: remember me in the '80s?!!! no you don't remember me as a bombshell, you remember me as that brave woman who had breast cancer and had to have a double mastectomy. i did that talk show, remember? i was Sally Jessy Raphael without the gimmicky red glasses.
Jeffrey Tambor: now y'all know why i always played slimy so well.
Christopher Lloyd: wasted. i've had a SHIT ton of wives.
Graham Jarvis: everyone wanted those LONG-corded telephones in the Mary Hartman kitchen on Fernwood 2 Night, a concept later co-opted by Zach Galifianakis. remember me? i'm the human Muppet.
Carolyn Seymour: i'm British so i'm evil.
Miriam Flynn: believe it or not, i've never done anime.
Jack: sparks are flying everywhere. oh it's just the auto plant. but i will get seduced. which Rocky movie is the best?
Cheech & Chong: the first one, it'll still be the first one even after they make 18 sequels!!! why do they do this!!!
Laertus: car beds, an '80s staple, never had one of those.
Dirg: i never had a bed.
Caroline: i've had a college degree this whole time, from Berkeley. i should be making twice what you make but it's the '80s. what's the big deal about being a woman?
Jack at The Store: cleanup on Aisle 4. vaginal fluid, don't worry about it.
Eye: a husband shouldn't be ashamed to get a price-check over the loudspeaker for his wife's Depends. that's the sign of a strong marriage.
Michael Weiss Tyzik: OMG it's that redheaded woman from Match Game '70s rattling off all the cheese and meats!
Rubikon: i always loved her gums, she had the perfect mouth for comedy.
Caroline in the board room.
Caroline: one day this table will be the birthplace of Ancient Rome. pizza. but for now the best advertising comes from housewives. here, take my cat, but you can only use him once, his name is Morris...
Mlem and Blep: MEOW MEOW!!! don't do it Morris!!! you'll be condemned to a life of cheap drugs and Fritz the Cat sex!
Mardith: you gotta love how the man doesn't know where to drop off and pick up in child daycare, he has no sense of direction, he needs the woman to point him the way.
Joan: hey this card game looks just like Jo Firestone's card game.
Jack: that red dress you're wearing, are we doing a Clue cosplay?
at the hotel:
Teri Garr: did you really think you could get away with this when you're married? seducing me as your newest hire with LUSH bubble-bathtub soaps is so cliche, that's why all women CEOs are accused of sleeping their way to the top.
Martin Mull: isn't that what men do to get ahead tho? sleep their way to the top? girlbosses all around now. well my wife does have a sanguine attitude toward the whole thing when she was keyboarding for Santana.
Santana: right. i sensed my mother energy when i contemplated suicide, i pictured my mom as a ghost tugging on me talking in my ear telling me
hijo, this ain't for you!!!
Dirg: oh the man is such a wimp! he is such a beta wuss! as a man you have to seize the opportunity you have to win the race and kill your boss and take over the company!!!
Laertus's dad: oh god i remember those corporate retreats in the '80s, those unnerving open-air spaces places of grass where they held carnival games for the employees. in the middle of nowhere on a ranch inland California for Unisys. a lot of husband/wife wheelbarrow racing and dunking both meanings. still creeps me out thinking about it, that was Squid Game before. those early days of computer science.
E.T.: that Halloween scene was so E.T.. i would have had Michael Keaton dress up as Linus and have the skittish wavering kid who's his son in costume as Linus's blue blanket...
Michael Keaton: honey do you want a divorce? think of the kids.
Teri Garr: no i do not. believe it or not my identity is wholly wrapped up in being a wife and mother. just don't do the crazy eyes anymore.
Michael Keaton: why i wasn't asked to play the Joker instead of Batman is Hollywood's greatest crime. oh and honey when you come back home can you make a quick pitstop to Circuit City for a new Mary Hartman phone?
Dirg: that was sad. i admit it i cried. when he prepared that whole candlelight dinner for her and she doesn't come home so he slowly gets up from the table and has to put away the dishes himself scraping off all the uneaten food.
Jacques Pepin: that's how i feel every night now......i love my wife. all i eat is wine.
Madame Pons: i so relate to Jack's love of soap operas. soap operas were HUGE in the '80s. it MATTERED TO THE WHOLE COUNTRY who the baby daddy was back then.
Laertus: yeah i do appreciate their little sendup of soap operas at the end there with the rain and the thunder and lightning and murder-mystery gun, very Clue.
Laertus's dad: that boss's office, strong Bank of America '80s shaggy open-air carpet vibes from it.
John Hughes: American-made, back when that was a benign thing.
Michael Keaton: don't know why i wasn't named Jason...
Laertus: this is a very sweet movie.
Robert Crumb: wait they made a tv show out of this? who starred in it, Eminem? g'night folks.
Dirg: wait who played the punk metal new wave goth babysitter?
Michael J Fox: hi. my name is Michael J Fox. i'm coming to you from the future after having traveled for centuries in a time-traveling pirate ship. the babysitter starred in the Back To The Future franchise, i can't tell you anymore or it'll disrupt the flow of time. i STILL don't want to be cured...
Carly Severn: WOW! this place is HUGE!
Pat: it's not just a LUSH, it's a San Francisco LUSH!
Madame Pons: my my what a good-looking couple. i only see your pretty faces in the dim of the orange candlelight against this black night sky of ours. may i help you? with life? no quack candles here, just Obama Yankee candles that smell like Obama's.........cos we all miss him.
Carly: you know the way to my heart. even tho i know you a day. i admit, the stories you brought me today were cool: the Circus Coo story, the Meghan Markle story, the Humphrey Bogart story, the Guy Forget story.
Pat: and don't forget the Dracula story, that's right up your spooky alley. that wasn't a sex joke. one kiss?
Pat: fair enough.
Carly: *sighing internally and externally* okay fine.
Carly loosens the topknot of her red scarf and it comes undone falling off to the wet orange-leaved ground.
Carly: kiss my bald head.
in the stands cheering on are Tim Henman in a crone dress white wig and smudged black lipstick and birdfeeder grocery cage and no one else, everyone else is too scared to attend.
THEN, Cam Norrie enters the stadium and sits down next to Leylah Fernandez's chair on court.
Emma Raducanu: hey baby.
Leylah: we're just checking out your phone.
Emma checks her butt. her butt pocket. nothing there!
Emma: how'd you get my phone!!!
Emma looks at Tim. Tim spits out squirrel gravel.
Leylah: i took it from your room while you were having your coach convo.
Emma: yeah you turned into a bat to fetch it and spread it.
Cam: Emma what's the meaning of this?
Cam: i'm reading your Instagram texts and you call me a white boy who will never win a Major cos i look like a mechanic. you tell me to sod off to Carolina and put on some panther aftershave. that i look like a children's show moppet who sprays milk on his mother.
Emma: i never wrote those! look to see if the Blue Verified Check is by my name.
Leylah: it is.
Emma: then i was obviously hacked. you know i'm not old enough to write my own texts, at this age it's all done by assistants. Tim, is this your handiwork?
Tim: no ma'am, i was in the bathroom at the time adjusting my girdle.
Leylah seizes her opportunity while Emma is distracted and in her head loopy. Leylah leaps from the stands and into her square, she picks up her racquet, and she LAUNCHES a serve right at Emma's head knocking her unconscious on the other side of the court.
Leylah: EAT MY FELT, BITCH!!! THAT'S FOR YOUR PIG NOSE!!! YOU TAUGHT ME HOW TO HIT THIS HARD!!!
dazed and confused, and stunned, Emma slowly gets up raising from the surprise shattering serve, the hit with heat, the Penn pound. her bell has been rung and as we all know, there is no bell in tennis.
Emma: who am i?