LANCE LEAR: IF YOU BREAK AWAY FROM THE PACK, YOU'LL LOSE

 

Jennifer Pizarro, Pat, and Scott Trimble on the pirate ship

Jen: think about it, Pat, have you noticed that there is exactly ONE picture of me in the whole of the internet? and five billion of Scott. what does that tell you?

Pat ponders this for a moment cupping his chin.

Pat: you're right. you're either dead or.........your life just didn't turn out the way you had hoped and planned.

Scott: i mean i have my own wikipedia page. 

Pat: yeah about that...

Scott: i know all the backstage Hollywood sets being a locations scout. i know that's not Patrick Stewart's real voice and that he's really 150 years old. 

Lance Lear: while we're still here in Medieval times i must stress that the reason Scott is successful in life is that he formed his own guild. i went to their first meeting in the stone mason behind the tree. where the idea for the quarry was formed.

Pat: tell it to me straight, as it were. did you two fuck?

but Jen is nowhere to be found. she has disappeared forever.

Scott: i charmed her with my Donald Duck impression, i quacked and molted as we cummed.

Lance: Scott was a loyal knight on my table, he built the quarry by the lake used to build the castle. 

Pat: it's just not fair. i was the one praying everyday for a soul mate to drop in my lap and you're the atheist and you get the only woman i've ever truly loved other than mom.

Scott: the quarry in Breaking Away, notice how it looks like a film set, that was all my handiwork. now if you'll excuse me i have a James Bond race to attend up in the snowy Alps as i scout for the European version of Portlandia which is an oxymoron.

Obama puts his arm around Pat's shoulder comforting him as he has comforted every single person who has ever lived on Earth.

Obama: my man, Pat, you gotta move on to greener pastures. well bluer pastures since the Earth is doomed, we waited too long to tackle climate change, i TOLD them but nobody listened to me. i know you voted for me but Scott Trimble is RELATED to me, you weren't winning this.

Pat: it all came down to participating. participation in some Italian play no one had ever heard of on a rickety stage at Berkeley in the '90s. it all came down to THAT. attended by no one but ghosts of the future. i coulda played Superman on that stage...

Pat never sees Jennifer Pizarro, or Jen as she was known only to him, again.

Michael J Fox: that sucks, if i had a pirate ship it would DEFINITELY transform into a DeLorean in the end. i wouldn't go to the future to get my Parkinson's cured, it has become so enrobed in my DNA like a Reese's Ghost candy i can't imagine how i was before, this is just who i am now.

Eye Luggage: don't take me too seriously, i'll always be a baby-bat.

Mardith: all these girls' nights! we gotta stop it with these girls' nights or we'll never get anywhere!

Martha Frankel: i like Oreos

Michael Jackson: wanna go on a date with me?

Katie Couric: sorry i'm going out with Dawson from Dawson's Creek. turns out he's a good father. Pacey's next.

Coral Gables: we swiped the flag of India

All-4-One: we are huge My Hero Academia fans. Bakugo has the perfect voice for R&B.

Martin Page: i told you all about circle rainbow in the House of Stone and Light.

Ludacris: and Luda in the video. your song "The Door" knocked me out for a year, it wasn't covid, i cried every time i heard a lyric or note from it.

Dirg: yeah i thought your album would just be a bunch of Dungeons & Dragons songs. 

Martin: i'm a surfer at heart.

Kathy Griffin to Anderson Cooper: oh but Kelly Ripa is your friend?!!!!!

Eye Luggage: i'm atheist but i worship one saint, Charlotte Tilbury.

Madame Pons: me, too!

Gladyce and Doryce: without We'Wha there'd be no witchcraft.........or our love.

Michael J Fox: the Marty McFly guitar is more famous than Kurt Cobain's powder-blue guitar, soz not soz.

Cynthia Wood: you know how i put myself through college and Playboy? i used $150 to eat lunch and dinner every night for one year at Magic Mountain...

Com Truise: you see what i did there with the wavy lines on my album cover? very Joy Division Unknown Pleasures.

Eye Luggage at LUSH

Eye Luggage: and the pouch of Scentsy goes to!.........me, it was a rough Halloween.

Laertus: if just one stranger shows up at your door for candy, it was a successful Halloween. 

Eye: thank you for coming.

Laertus: Scentsy is a scam, babe, wax can't be warm it can only be hot.

crones: why are our church programs only online and can only be retrieved with computers, we're old ladies!!!

Dirg: i tried the coffee-fruit Herbal Essences shampoo. a chill went down my ear canal. i felt of rush of blue energy envelop my esophagus. i wanted to sing out loud but if i could sing i'd be in a band. i orgasmed like a woman. 

Dirg: but doesn't arm barn mean a fist up the ass?

Eric Adams: i almost threw my entire life away over a gogo dancer. if i was in it for rock n roll fine, even disco, but the fad was just starting to fade as i got REALLY into gogo...

Marlee Matlin to Lauren Ridloff: you win, you did it better than me and drug-free.

Sigourney Weaver: and you have my permission to do the Alien reboot.

Peng Shuai: i'm the tiny woman who took down the entire Chinese System. i shoo'd them away with good online journalism. i may die but Truth never will. there's bravery and then there's what i'm doing, what i'm risking it all for.

Pat: now what? i do not know what my future holds. it's scary. i have no one to lean on. i just want a woman to hold my hand like Hilaria at J Baldwin's snapping that pic of her holding Alec's hand. 

Pat spots Carly Severn in the semi-dark light in the wings of the stage eating raw eggs in the eaves.

Pat: oh Carly is so tempting, she's making me salivate internally. but she's way out of my league. i hope she's secretly batshit crazy from her disease.

Carly Severn: i'm clearly a rocker not off my rocker.

Pat: oh but i can't resist her, i can't resist those severe eyes of hers...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Bicycle Thieves: dolce far niente

Eye Luggage: Breaking Away and go.

Steve Tesich: I predicted President Bump! i came up with the term post-truth.

Laertus shakes Steve Tesich's hand.

Laertus: it's a pleasure and an honor and a privilege to make your acquaintance, sir, the script is sublime, crisp and cool.

Tesich: i'm pretty good at capturing the American lingo, huh? pretty good for a Serb.

Dirg: don't be tetchy! i know, you're not a Croat.

Laertus: this is the type of '70s movie i cherish. the Oscar was well deserved. it's done on warm '70s film yet captures the cold melancholy of growing up in the middle of the country at that time. the hopelessness of it all, the bleakness, the trying to escape your surroundings to find that rainbow.

Dirg: yeah turns out the bicyclist isn't gay, i'm as surprised as you are.

Laertus's dad: i remember these times.........but it was different for me, i was hobnobbing it at a bead shack in Indio. i was meeting with the acquaintances of roller-derby girls in gold Bruce Lee jackets. all my rocks were crystals.

Paul Dooley: yeah so they tried to make me out to be a lovable character in the end. even though i was an asshole of a father. did it work? did the Tesich Magic fool you? i dunno, i don't quite make the jump, the transition. i'm still an asshole in the end. 

Barbara Barrie: you've never seen me naked. i'm the mom in all those CBS evening shows about picket fences. i have to be strong for the family so i cry by myself alone at night in the gazebo.

Robyn Douglass: i on the other hand WAS naked for a spell.

the crones smile.

Robyn: that was no accident!...

Amy Wright: i'm hotter than you thought at first. my gummy mouth ate a lot of gummis. grey drab tablecloth dresses were country casual back then, not my Halloween costume.

Laertus's dad: this film almost made me want to go to Indiana University. but then that basketball coach pulled the chair from under the back of me.

John Anderson from ESPN stuck on a velcro wall: all i've ever wanted to do, all i've ever wanted to do, was be David Letterman.

Eye: Bloomington, where dreams go to die. they changed the name from Stoners to Cutters cos they didn't want them to be perceived as four Shaggys, four garden-variety potheads. but back then people didn't know what cutting was. now this group of four are seen as pre-goth with extensive psychiatric problems.

Tesich: the quarry was the fifth character.

Laertus: the quarry is cool, so scenic and brooding.

Cyril: thank you for ruining my life, girl i crushed on my whole life, thank you for doing it with a fat dude warming the baseball bench right here on this spot at this quarry! because of you i've lost all interest in life! sound familiar?

Pat: ...

Laertus's dad: maybe go to St. Cyril's as the cure.

Tesich: i wanted to have the shirtless boys fossicking at the quarry but Standards said no fucking at that young an age. because of this quarry Olympic diving and frat hazing were invented.

Mardith: okay now see this is the only storyline which interests me, the love story between Nancy and Moocher. i mean these two VERY YOUNG people decide to get married to escape their shit town, i can relate to that.

Ed from Live: shit small town. performing "Pillar of Davidson" live on stage isn't as momentous as you would think.

Madame Pons: two TOO YOUNG? no, it's romantic to me. break away by breaking her in half, young buck with the buck teeth and unique circus face.

Mardith: i know. but the movie barely scratches the surface with these two! they walk to the capitol state house after crossing a busy street and that's about it, you have no idea what happens after. they made a tv series after this movie, does it get explained THERE?! what becomes of Moocher and Nancy, do they become Sid and Nancy? do they get divorced? or do they go out like ROMEO AND JULIET???!!!

Eye: limestone, marijuana, i see you working, Tesich.

Dennis Christopher: shucks, i had a scene where i shaved my legs in a bathtub but it was cut. 

Lucio Rossi: for the record, i have never once in my life been called an Ity. jus sayin

Moocher: you're not the leader of us!

Dennis Quaid: yes i am, i'm the most muscular. be honest, when you saw me here you had no idea i'd get as big as i got. my muscles i mean. want me to slam a refrigerator door to prove my worth?

Moocher: i don't steal bases when i play baseball.........i only steal Doritos Locos Tacos. i didn't grow up to write Deep Space Nine.

Cyril: guys, can i narrate? imagine Breaking Away as a Disney animated film with no laugh track and no jokes...

Tesich: this movie is considered family fare.

Moocher: Dennis Quaid! when you talk of refrigerators i didn't mean you getting trapped inside one! 

Dennis: sorry, i was never a big Punky Brewster watcher. my head is bleeding, have i proven my worth?

Messi: bike-training ruined my kicking foot, it got caught in the pedals.

Dave Stohler's mom: i made you spicy meatballs!

Dave Stohler: si mama but you made them with tabasco sauce... 

Madame Pons: the heartland scares me. ah that's interesting, this is a PG movie but the word tits is said. 

Dirg: gotta love those pre-PG13 times.

Dirg: can our college PLEASE get its own bowling alley?!!!

The Dude: ...

Katherine: omg this is so romantic! i've never been serenaded before!

DC: and no girl has been serenaded since, can you imagine a creep standing outside the window of a sorority singing an Italian song? 

Pat: i know the feeling.

Rod: i have no heart. i'm a jock-bully with a botched heart. i have no culture. how DARE you introduce my girlfriend to fine art! she already watches Oprah she don't need no opera!  

President John W Ryan: they did this type of stuff in the '70s, have the REAL person play HIMSELF and say the lines. everyone has an actor buried deep inside them. it's all very Perfect. yes i voted for Bump but i would have preferred my grandson Ryan to run.

THE LITTLE 500 RACE!!! IT'S LIKE NASCAR ON A RUNNER'S TRACK!!!

dad in tweed suit: actually limestone.

DC: why'd you quit working in the mines, dad?

dad: Fred Flintstone muscled me out. i jackhammered and noisily piledrove your mother, son.

Lance Lear: the Little 500 was so easy for me, i won it the first time i tried it, by riding the bike backwards.

Lucio: jus sayin, this film does not paint Italians in a flattering light, i am not a dick, i'm Pat's best friend.

Katherine: *slap* why'd you lie to me?

DC: i pretended i was an Italian all this time. cos i'm an actor.

Laertus: okay this is another jarring niggle in this film: the annoying dad getting to deliver the monologue of note, the best writing comes his way, he gets all the grace notes. that was IMMACULATE when he's explaining how even though he built this campus he is not welcome here, the buildings themselves do not denote the people in them, structures do not denote safe passage and success. that was VERY WELL DONE.

Rubikon in a beret: ah, this is a place where the National Anthem is taken VERY SERIOUSLY.

DC: TAPE THE PEDAL TO MY FEETS!

Messi: uh, i think that's illegal, dude.

Pee-wee Herman: you guys shoulda called me...

Laertus: you know the Cutters are gonna win, they're gonna cross first and get that checkered flag, but it's still exciting to watch, to witness onscreen, you're on the edge of your seat biting your fingernails cos you don't know. you're watching ESPN Live!

crones: mothers love better than fathers. and what's wrong with old people having sex? g'night dears.

dad: is used-bike salesman the same bad connotation?

Celine: bursar?

DC: oh you mean the moneyman. the man with the chili dogs. it's not about busting a nut in your dorm room. i'm into French things now, no more spaghetti with meatballs that taste like gravel. 

Celine: yeah the Tour de France is awesome. the French cyclists are boring cos they don't take drugs. when i see Lance Lear drag-racing on campus illegally it's exciting, i see in that freshfaced boy's youthful visage the face of a future king. but heavy is the head that wears the crown. let me tell you about trains.........g'night folks.

Gorton Fisherman is granted an audience with Lindsey Buckingham, the court jester.

Gorton: why'd you do it, man.

Lindsey: i didn't mean to. i thought your son was Stevie Nicks. i saw your son's long blonde hair his head turned away from view in a rowboat. the waves were crashing and grey i couldn't see a mile in front of my face. i just wanted to scare Stevie. but i don't got good aim. my fingers are meant for close-up strings not launching a harpoon. i wanted the spear to rock the boat but it pickled your son's head instead. he was a good boy.

Gorton: yes he was. 

Lindsey: are you gonna kill me now?

Gorton: nah, your Hell is continuing to be alive knowing you're not in Fleetwood Mac anymore...

Lance Lear: i don't get it. daughters, why do you emulate me? i've been nothing but rotten and you are such sweet girls. 

daughters: cos you're our dad.

Lance: ah, that's very Shakespearean, dare i say Invincible-ean. i want you three to live on without me, go on and live lives of noble grace. give back to the community not the castle. marry well, a bloke with good mental health not a frat guy. and certainly not a sorority sister like Katherine!, they don't understand acting.

Lovato and Hampshire marry cos they find out they're soul mates despite everything, they're the only two women who can tolerate each other in this messed-up world. Lovato becomes the ocean to spy better and Hampshire takes up water-skiing, skiing on the water with poles. Floch finally divorces her dad and takes up with a nice throuple in Tyzik Tybalt and Michael Weiss in a wet suit. Floch becomes a cop and she becomes the first cop to voluntarily defund herself.

Lance Lear: why'd i do it? why'd i do it all? to get ahead. to break away. like Princess Diana. to survive. to thrive. it's not cheating it's livin'. the Lance Lear Life. it's not a living it's a livin. i am livid i got caught, i had a good thing going for 20 years. caught like a fish. oh well. back to the drawing board, on the boards of a boat. i'm into water-bikes now, saves on the triathlon.

Lance Lear goes to the place where Lindsey Buckingham and Jen Pizarro are...