TWELVE TONES OF FREEDOM: OUR HISTORY, PART DEUS EX MACHINA

Codrus: it's like when your whole life you're thinking Jeremy in the Pearl Jam video "Jeremy" shoots up his classmates when what he really did was shoot himself in front of his classmates.

Cotard: R.I.P. Jeremy. the real Jeremy. i bless you and confirm your spirit to the sweet hereafter.

Jeremy: i wish Pearl Jam had done the video for "Do The Evolution" live.

Judge Harold T Stone: Mr. Cosby, NO MORE JELLO!

Cosby: can i get some grass?

Stone: no you may NOT attend Wimbledon! i am NOT related to the Stone on Law & Order!!! same city. i'm my own man.

Jena Friedman: you thought my act was dark before?.........it's about to get a whole lot darker...

Doryce: Gladyce dear you weren't one of those old ladies who went wet over Donald Rumsfeld? thought he was the bee's knees cos of his ruffian persona? 

Gladyce: i do get wet but that's a bladder problem. i do remember throwing my panties at the podium. but that must have been Clinton, right?

Donald Rumsfeld: *squinting like Clint Eastwood* i had the name for the job. when i talk of dead-enders i mean those video-game cabinet punks on the street who can't get past Level 1 on Ghouls & Ghosts!!! i make fun of those poseurs. there are known knowns and known unknowns and unknown unknowns. but nobody ever talks about the unknown knowns...

Venus Williams: *laughs* i might be undateable.

Chrissie Evert: you and me both sista. i had a slip, too. i mean I dumped Roger Federer but it still hurts i don't want to talk about it. wanna give it a go?

Venus: aren't you just hiding out in the Wimbledon bunker to escape the authorities?

Chrissie: yes. i am the Tour de France sign woman.

Codrus: so what song did your genius brain come up with today at the studio?

Cotard: oh you'll see. it'll top the charts.

Codrus: yeah but Rebecca Black topped the charts.

Cotard: her new stuff is good, quite the departure for her.

Codrus: yeah just whatever. make any music that's serviceable enough to drown out that INCESSANT droning of your stupid cranes piledriving into the concrete at all hours of the night to make a stupid DRIVEWAY!!! that nobody's gonna notice cos it's covered in WEEDS!!!

Pret A Manger wrap in NYC: we saw Jesus. without a time warp. we saw Celine same way.

Mardith: the imaginationships are killing me. 

Willy Wonka and SpongeBob SquarePants: tell us about it!

Mardith: but they're good for my writing.

King Harvest: we were a cool motorcycle gang, we allowed in men wearing eyeglasses. 

Celine: didn't i see you on my rue? on my street? want some roux?

Maria Scrivan: my jokes are eternal, they are scrivened.

Snoop: you can't hang with me!

Pete Davidson: i know, on both counts.

Snoop: it's alright, cuz, just get me into that Shaolin temple, i'm training to be the next Ghost Dog.

Wolfgang Puck: i'm late for my appointment to the Chef's Red Table!!!

John Cena: just doing research for the Wedding Crashers reboot...

Matthew Perry: i'm Batman.........i can say that now, my teeth are fixed.

Gladyce: you can't shake syrup.

Jen Carfagno at The Weather Channel:

Jen: my body's springier than Jacqui Jeras, i'm packin dynamite!!!

Jacqui Jeras: like our Weather on the 8s, the pic is of golf. telling you to get out in the out there and golf. so, golf. golf is our suggestion for you.

Mardith: if you fall in love, can you be a goth girl anymore?

Eye Luggage: good question, you might be too lovey-dovey.

Hash Halper: don't love me. love yourself. look for the helpers like Mister Rogers. i was a real person not a hashtag. i became too obsessed with the shape of hearts not their center. have a burger in my honor on the wharf. i'm dining tonight with Etika and Tony Scott.

Dirg: there's too much passive-aggressiveness in society.

Dirg: those T-shirts with the doberman's face on them are freaky, their snouts are too Joy Division 3D mountainous.

Madame Pons: i'm gonna try to become the first person to get a PhD in functional medicine.

Madame Pons: Mardith honey the BBL will not make you happy.

Mardith: no but if they brought back the McDLT it might.

Lester Holt: Jerry Springer and i were always more than just friends.

ScarJo: i'm playing Sheryl Crow in The Frank DiLeo Story.

Beatrice Dalle: i'm Angelina Jolie if she needed the new Oral-B spinbrush.

Sophie Leigh Stone: not related. i got better hearing than Ukyo it's just that nobody ever bothers to talk to me.

Zina Bethune: i'm electric, baby! i'm the chemical compound in your ear. i don't care, my love of Shirt Tales will endure forever.

Mardith: why do people pick friends that look like them?

Louise Lasser: okay so i was on drugs for my SNL episode. but don't blame me, Requiem For A Dream was my pimp.

Tony Hale: that was not me as the sex-show psychiatrist.

Jennifer Connelly: that was actually the New Jersey Boardwalk. but NY/NJ, same difference. pier planks are pier planks.  

Steve Ballmer: if the Clippers had made it to the Finals i would have become Mario, jumped, and died.

leftugee: not political, necessary.

Enterprise Star Trek show: we could have also used an FM-84 track.

Boc: no delivery?

Togo's: no, no-contact delivery.

Boc: you don't look old for being 50! what's your secret?

Togo's: we eat real tuna.

Kenyatta, editor at Wikipedia: when i type my stories i have a crucial critical decision to make: do i leave the lights off to stay cool and not see the paper i'm typing? or do i leave the lights on and not make deadline cos i pass out.

Kurt Cobain: *waving* i've solved all dilemmas over on this side...

Boc: when i water i forget to breathe for the first 10 minutes getting the nozzle on and spreading my hose, when i take that first breath my mouth is cobwebby dry...

Anne Truitt: i was Sylvia Plath's MOM!!!

Roger Federer: i have no regrets. i am the Prince of Tennis, Djokovic is the king.

Hester Finch: i'm what you read in school. this is how i quit smoking...

Mardith: Instagram is constantly telling me to look at my post from a year ago but i never want to live in the past...

Dirg: i love Instagram. you get to experience the Upper-Crust Life without going to Harvard. i'm a cheater!!! i'm a big fat CHEATER!!!

Laertus: the high life in high-rises. all those parties up there in the penthouse suites of Manhattan where the real art gets discussed. the Broadway Elite.

Eye Luggage: just don't make that view from the top floor the last image you see on Earth.

Olivia Rodrigo: sorry. Kurt Cobain is a big influence on me for my rock songs.

Courtney Love: oh yeah? 

Olivia: Kurt is HUGE in Gen Z!!! all the American Idol Gen Zers copy his songs!

Courtney: okay. we cool.

Olivia: wanna go see Carrie?

Courtney: not cool.

Olivia: no the copy, not the original.

Courtney: that wasn't blood at the prom, that was my lipstick melted.

Charli D'Amelio: anyone have an extra spinbrush?

Six Flags New Orleans: well there's ONE flag we couldn't put up...

Gina Coladangelo: he liked Pepsi i liked Coke. i'm Gina Gershon he's Hugh Grant. we made out to a music video of a naked jazzman. somehow it worked. love is love, love is not marriage. now if you'll excuse me i got an Italian fountain to jump into naked.

Caroline Dries: first person i called was Seth MacFarlane. if it wasn't for my video conspiracy theories about 9/11 would be taught in schools. the apple juice was dry that day...

Cotard: brother do you kill big flies or let them fly out the window?

Codrus: what do you think. the catchy nursery rhyme saved them from being caught. i go shoo fly shoo.

Gladyce: i heard the doorbell, mail or nails?

Doryce: male?

Salma Hayek: gimme the Aspercreme. we're atheists but we're Romans.

Cotard: not the Bible chapter.

Dirg: that Clifford The Big Red Dog trailer is creepy.

Charles Grodin: Clifford (1994) was my best film.

Takahashi: sponsored by Big Red Gum.

Tuca & Bertie: we're adult Shirt Tales.

Boc: what is this, a TED Talk or TikTok?

Robot Chicken: Bawk Bawk.

Lucille Ball: if i had had Nintendo Switch back in the day i would still be married to Desi in the Afterlife...

Takahashi: afterlife as a video-game concept, i dig it, mama...

Joyce Jue: i'm gonna be the new voice of Major Motoko in the next Ghost In The Shell anime...

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: i'm getting married...

hyaluron pen: from the Gamma Quadrant.

Dr Orchid: i was the one who stopped playing around and actually solved the heinous murder! Boddy and i weren't related, okay? sure i enjoy the odd snuffbox now and again but so does everybody in the '40s! i swear i had no idea those flowers were poison, i asked my roommate Janet and she said they were fine.

Mardith: GRWM, i'll only do it if it's with Grover.

Dirg: that Ukraine man celebrating like that chick form the U.S. Women's Team. bra solidarity.

Sasnovich: i beat Serena Williams the first time i played her...

suslin: sussing out the cereal

Gwen Goldman: i promise i won't screw it up like Billy Crystal.

Mardith: you know it's funny, i have a million Instagram followers but i'd be okay if i lost them all and it was just back to how it all started, just me and him.

Madame Pons: Daniel Dae Kim?

Mardith: yep. that him. Kim him.

Jennifer Aniston: no, please, give the bread to Matthew Perry, he needs it more. i want to see that boy sober.

Dirg: when i go into Pizza Factory and say gracias i feel like a Colonizer.

Laertus: you have NEVER sad gracias in your life. 

Eye Luggage: Elite, the Spanish soap opera, reminds me so much of MTV's Undressed. same dorm-room Christmas lights. 

Cureheads: we have full sets of hair.

Eye Luggage: i love seeing the Wimbledon stands all full of people! and i hate people! 

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Pauly Shore: i hate when i see Encino Man in the porn-cassette section at Blockbuster. 

Takahashi: one of the few remaining VHSs.

Pauly Shore: it's not Chatsworth Man, okay? it's New Radicals "You Get What You Give" vibes, buddy.

Rose McGowan: i'm playing Sasha Grey in the next Ghost In The Shell...

Sasha Grey: and i'm playing Jennifer Connelly's orgy in the next Snowpiercer...

Muse: remember us?

Eye Luggage: What We Left Behind and go. Kirk Cameron you are hereby LIFETIME BANNED from the podcast room!

Kirk Cameron: don't care, i have another Life, i have another pod.

Ira Steven Behr: yes so obviously i had Main Character Syndrome, but i was Head Writer for fuck sake!

Dirg: what's with the blue goatee, chief? it looks like you're stuck in a time warp. a Jim Morrison time warp.

Ira: this is my protest, i won't shave it off till we get that Smurfs live-action film we all want. in Fathom Theatres.

Robot Chicken: he means the SMURFS are live-action, not the humans or cats...

Ira: how did we get away with having a lounge singer as a main character?

Ray Combs: you flunked my audition for this part. all i needed was a clever accountant, why didn't i watch more Doctor Who? i'm okay with gay. 

Ed McMahon: HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEE'S JOHNNY!!!.........sorry...

Ira: i have the cast members read letters. remember angry letters?

Abe Lincoln: i do.

cast: we didn't get any sleep for 9 years but it's okay, we got paid handsomely. despite this show struggling the whole time with low ratings.

Ira: why the blazes didn't we make it to the nice round number of 10? well we're fixing that today...

Michael Piller: i was a pillar in the community. i had the whole goddamn giant set built, that thing was 3 football fields!

Merv Griffin, producer: i had to foot the bill for that thing! why wasn't the floating space-station more like Babylon 5?...

Ira: i promise, moneyman, we won't change it that much, just get rid of Nog, bring in Picard, and we do most of the scenes on a ship.

Nana Visitor: in light of this week i am just glad they didn't make me make out with my rapist.

Dukat: but there was a latent sexual attraction there, right? you loved my gills.

Nana Visitor: not between Kira Nerys and Gul Dukat, between you and me, Marc Alaimo. but i was newly married.

Marc Alaimo: i'm Clint Eastwood i'm not a lame-o. remember the Alamo? nobody does. nobody remembered me, i would have appreciated ONE comment that i'm killing it out there, that my acting hits outta the park. not ONE kind word.

Nana: you wanted a kiss everytime you remembered a line.

Niners: wrong soundstage, Jimmy G, this is for baseball players only...

Avery Brooks: i had a very specific acting style. it seemed like i was dour and disgruntled all the time but i was just trying to keep everyone alive. truth was my castmates annoyed me, they were always playing around. i did Shakespeare In The Park, man. a park in Queens! where if you dodged the hailing stray bullets reciting your monologue you'd get a standing O for surviving! my castmates weren't very good athletes either, they sucked at baseball, i was trying to Boondocks baseball for them, i gave them each a packet of Big League Chew for Christmas. why didn't you feature "In The Pale Moonlight"?

Ira: i wanted to i really did. but *Ira shakes his head* i am okay with the omit.

Avery: i did "Moonlight" before Moonlight!!!

Nana: remember when i held you in my arms when you fell over during the Civil-Rights episode?

Avery: no, my acting was so genius there i fell into a trance. all i saw as i was crying for all time for all my ancestors and descendants was me floating in space toward a flash of light...

Nana: that was the set lights on your bald head.

Dirg: okay Ira, i at least love you for giving it to CNN. not may people are willing to be brave like that.

Jann Wenner: wasn't me.

Terry Farrell: as Pride Month draws to a close today i just want to say that when i kissed that other hot alien spotted babe that was a first for television. we did the lesbian kiss before Ellen.

Ira: yeah but why did you leave the show? right in the middle of that hot Worf romance! as Head Writer i felt betrayed. you really hurt the fans. 

Ted Danson: yeah i mean Becker was never gonna last, we were trying to be Cheers 2.0.

Megan Rapinoe: remember, girl, when WE win, we ALL win, when we lose, we ALL lose.

Pete Davidson: working at Kmart isn't so bad. i listen to Ariana Grande songs at checkout leaning my leg through a red diamond cart.

Dirg: why did this have to go woke? the show wasn't woke back in the '90s. 

Mardith: are you triggered by strong women?

Dirg: no it's just i need Nietzchean confidence to approach them.

Gavin Newsom: did you see me in that one episode? i played a Cardassian extra. homelessness is not my fault.

Mardith: okay so cosplay is problematic nowadays but i did love that girl in the Wormhole getup. yes now THAT's the costume i'd wear, a giant purple wormhole that opens up.........not my vagina, it's a cute innocent thing.

Dirg: your vagina IS a cute innocent thing.

Laertus: yeah i never got that, all the billions and billions of fans who watched Deep Space Nine all wanted to go into the military. i had the exact opposite reaction, this made me want to become a writer of science fiction! 

George Clooney: when i aw ER i didn't want to become a doctor, i wanted to become an actor. 

Laertus: this writing room scene is DYNAMITE, i'm learning so much. 

Eye: i know it's awesome.

Dirg: and the hippie from the Battlestar Galactica reboot is there, too! on the shrink couch.

Laertus: this is so educational. it's like i'm in film school but i could never go, too expensive. i'm learning what INT and EXT mean, interior, exterior. take notes, Dirg.

Dirg: i like the whiteboards.

Laertus: oh SHIT. there was SO MUCH writing on that whiteboard in magic marker of all the colors of the rainbow i thought they were writing the WHOLE 8TH SEASON!!! turns out this was just ONE EPISODE!!!

Nog: i die in the first episode? i would have played that PERFECTLY...

Nana: Avery is Jesus? i'm a whitehaired priestess? that one works i'm one in real life! Space Spirit, Intentional Breathing and all that jazz, i do that stuff now. want to enter my private studio in Pacoima? i get all my LUSH soaps for free. so i'm the rebel leader of a secret faction of Jem'Hadar. no wonder those lizard illuminati worship me, i know what alien cum tastes like! it changes on the tongue. i wish there had been a plotline in which Picard comes back from the dead to singlehandedly rid the entire universe of all Bump incels by punching each one until they're dead.

Dr Bashir: everyone hated me, i was the Urkel of the show. wish i had been more like Dr Vacc in the '70s. so i knew what i had to do, i got a private meeting with the Paramount producers up in the Tower and demanded i have a gay romance with a Cardassian. 

Colm Meaney: i'm a ruffian. i have a ruff exterior but i'm not a meanie. i watch PBS. i told them, the only way to save the show was to have an Irishman in the cast.

Odo: i'm actually quite funny in real life. but with the makeup my mouth was immobile, i literally couldn't laugh or my lips would have sheared right off.

Ira: i still have your face. i keep it under my bed. sometimes in the closet.

Chase Masterson: to this day i get stopped on the street and asked for my credit card.

Hana Hatae: i'm hot now.

Keiko: i'm not. not anymore. but i did Joy Luck Club, bitch! i'm your ancestor FOREVER!!! all the money you ever make is MINE!!! i will haunt you when i'm dead if you don't pray to me each night.

Marc Alaimo: i don't want to be an alarmist. but what the hell is wrong with me! i'm ruggedly handsome, i'm a ruffian, i was Avery Brooks's equal. why didn't i ever mate?

Ira: okay, i talked it over with my wife, she says it's okay. go for thruple. she loves pregnancies but only if YOU are the one who gets pregnant. and you have to give birth to it the Cardassian way.

Ira: i was the last person to talk to Gene Roddenberry on his death bed, the legend was looking frail and emaciated, he was sweating as his eyes glazed to the sky to see that one last star. i shook his hand and told him Deep Space Nine would screw up his entire lifelong Star Trek vision. look, audience, i'm showing you my behind. g'night, folks.

Eye Luggage: i liked this dark Star Trek. it was messy, everyone was a warmonger profiteer, a gambler, a sex addict, and willing to kill their comrades for nothing. all in the name of science. the morality was as grey as their suits. and their tea. Starfleet was more like America really is. just wish there had been a 24 clock at the bottom. i think both sides of the war went crazy cos they were too cooped up in that stationary station!!! they went stir-crazy and started to throw their ideals up to the low ceilings. one thing was for sure, everyone loved up every alien on that show.

Laertus's dad: we had a kid named Roddenberry in my class. when i saw those scenes in the writers room i cried. that should have been ME. i was meant to be a television writer, that was my destiny, my spacetime fate on the correct timeline. oh well. at least i got to see what goes on inside, behind-the-scenes. i thought they'd all be smoking cigarettes but whatever. you see how they have to come up with ideas from thin air on the spot? imagine that pressure working under a deadline? that's why you get paid the big bucks. you see how the hippie keeps going when the rest of the writers are tapped dry? see i'd have to do the whole thing myself, i could never collaborate with other writers.

Laertus's dad: this was back when times were simple. when you viewed Requiem For A Dream not knowing this would be your last movie as a functioning member of society. not cos you took those drugs but because you went crazy. i still remember walking out of that theatre. the light was so bright i covered my eyes the rest of the day. the glare coming off that white wall bounced the sun's rays directly into my retina, that wall was one giant dome of yellow and pink Floyd. like magic dust. like stardust. i can still smell that salty ocean air when i stepped out of that theatre.........g'night, folks, i'm crying.

Cotard: my song is about two people finding each other again after many years. many decades apart.

Codrus: reunited and it feels so good? poppycock!

Cotard: you just love saying cock.

Codrus: pigwash! 

Cotard: Bennifer 2.0 has taught us to never give up. soul mates will meet eventually. i was kinda hoping this song could be about..........you and me?

Codrus: sure. but not us. come on.

Cotard: i mean how do you explain Jean Smart's resurgence?

Codrus: Golden Girls. they're doing a Golden Girls reboot with Mischa Barton, David Spade, Keira Knightley, and Rebecca Black as Betty White.

Cotard: did you ever think in a million years Carrie Underwood would do a sports drink commercial? miracles happen.

 

TMIT: LET'S DO THIS, LUCY. MOVE THE BEDS TOGETHER.

 

didn't know it at the time but watching I Love Lucy led me to Karnov...

HEY! NEVER TAKE WIMBLEDON FOR GRANTED AGAIN!!! right? the fact that it EXISTS, that i'm watching it on my screen right now at this time, is a blessing. how did i live before witnessing that funky Madison Brengle serve?

1. what's the most stressful thing in your life right now?

finishing my movie. nobody wants to do it. don't blame them, it's for free. time is money. lookin like i'm gonna have to take on all the parts myself and turn this thing into one giant filmed monologue.

2. true or false: the best way to get over an ex is to get under someone new:

dunno but that is FABULOUS WORDPLAY. sure of course it is. problem is i only seem to take a fancy to married women. it's like if you're single and available you're uninteresting to me. the thrill of the hunt is gonna get me killed.

3. is rebound sex empowering or does it leave you feeling lonelier?

you're gonna be lonely anyway so you might as well get the 5-minute reprieve and feeling of ecstasy from the orgasm. WARNING: does not work if you're fucking Sonic the Hedgehog

4. would you rather watch porn every night forever or never watch porn again?

i want to DIRECT. direct porn. i want to write it. in case the whole legitimate filmmaking thing doesn't work out. i'm still in it, i'm still in the game, i'm still dreaming of doing a porn that combines the filthiest of sex scenes with the epic grandeur, expansive cinematography, and flowery dialogue of Gone With The Wind.

5. would you rather go to bed alone forever or share a bed with someone forever?

it doesn't matter. whatever i do i will be depressed. the depression will never leave me. i could win an Oscar, be depressed the next day. i could finally go on a Wimbledon date, an SNL date!!! the depression would be there to greet me next morning. i could marry Sasha Grey, Maiara Walsh, or Jillian Clare, be depressed the night after the honeymoon. i don't care what they say, life is not meant to be lived alone. humans are social creatures even if you're a loner who listens to Nine Inch Nails. your overpriced oceanside Miami Reiki-ist empath with the crystals by the seashore is WRONG. you're supposed to find happiness within, inner tranquility, you're not supposed to need anyone to find happiness. you can go it alone, be happy alone. in fact that's the perfect happiness, the most stable happiness. i'm here to tell you that that is impossible. you need someone. everyone needs someone.

BONUS: would you rather your mom or your ex set up and run your dating apps?

i want my mom arranging my sex encounters, she has a knack for picking out just the right mattress, the most comfy mattress. she promised me she wouldn't go back to the MyPillow Guy.

i want my ex handling all the personality quizzes. for a match we must do two things: see a local production of Fiddler On The Roof, and do Noom together.

and i want my priest weeding out all that sticky religion stuff. weeding out for the wedding. my priest in the Confessional booth used black magic to divine that my soul mate would be an atheist...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

THE DISNEY SONG IS THE LITTLE MERMAID SONG

notes:

* Dirg: Dupixent. the stranger man is the one who gives the bus boy his lunch before the bus leaves but the boy just thanks his dad not the stranger. rude!

* Ricobene's: where Rico Suave lives now

* Boc: yeah Cadbury Caramello instead of Hydro Mousse on the lawn courts?!!! that ain't gonna get it done, that's gonna be sticky stuff.

* bald man: notice anything different about me?

seductress: we're at Little Caesars!
bald man: no the gold limo. there has never been a gold limo until now. this is the '70s. you don't have to wear gloves there's no covid yet.

seductress: these red leather gloves? for S&M which i invented tonight.

robot driver: i am WAY ahead of my time...

* Doug: today i learned that Limu stands for Liberty Mutual.

Limu: you think you got bird legs? if i skip leg day i literally won't be able to run from the Red Bull saber-toothed tiger and will die. and Big Bird will tar and feather me. 

customer on treadmill: can we talk work? it's the week.

* McDonalds: why did Wendys get the Rick and Morty contract?!!! if i was in the 7th grade now this would be the most important show of my life, my cultural touchstone, my Smurfs, i would learn about life and the greater world from this show, i would die to get on that spaceship with Doc and Marty. 

Wendys: haha.

McDonalds: fuck you Wendys! we got Luca.

Wendys: Luca sucks! it's just Little Mermaid for boys!!! go back to your whiteboard and your strangely misspelled words.

McDonalds: GET ME LILY!!!

* Lily: lemme get a new whiteboard...

customer on couch: you just need a dry-eraser...

* IHOP: everyone could use a pancake.........probably shouldn't start with the whole Red White and Blue pancakes thing again and divide the country further...

* Wanda Sykes: now girl you know i love seeing another sister succeed but you're starting to take MY jobs, queen.

Tiffany Haddish: what it's just me playing you in a fro wig. i mean it's really us vs. Brie Larson.

* Jo Firestone: sorry fans and hardcorers, i'm as indie as they come but even I work for Disney now.

Joe Pera: i love playing Goofy at Disneyland, i don't have to talk to nobody!!!

* Chris Pratt: Kenan Thompson? 

Kenan: i'm here to save the world. i'm an action star now.

Pratt: no you're fat. i feel you, people still think i'm fat but this is all muscle. long story or short story?

Kenan: get to the punchline.

* Jamie: Flo this isn't for you!!! the cat's a diva like me, that's why i have no friends. i'm jealous of these animals. if i had been in the marching band in high school i would have gone to the prom and become a real adult, you know someone who has real insurance, AAA insurance.

* - honey, get more in the center frame for the picture.

- why are you so obsessed on having me in a picture with lightning in the background? you want to make it seem i got struck with lightning?

* gardener with Hydro Mousse: why's this bitch towing her own house?

woman: remember that Geico commercial with the dad and son turtles? i'm just being the human version of those turtles.

* Washed Out: hi my babies, Washed Out here. watch my music video for "Amor Fati". learn how to live your life. this stuff doesn't get taught in schools. except by N but we won't mention him. the young-man Campbellian epic hero wasn't flicking off the horses, he was pointing his cameraphone at them. be roommates with Harg Nallin' Sclopio Peepio now a Hanes model. you can tell from that blue sign that this is Denmark, we're ALL gonna win it for Christian Eriksen. fall in love with the first counter girl who smiles at you, sit in room-temperature water in a tub with said girl, don't have sex with her, just be in a tub with her. steal her soap. live the Skins life in real life, neon flats at night. leave the sheep-chasing to Federer and Djokovic. only drink Mean Bean. remember, that ain't beef jerky that old geezer biker is giving you, that's his heart. it's tender and gamey. wake up in a stranger's bed, the red stuffed animal means he's an otaku so it's okay. when you're drunk, everywhere is Iceland. Frosted Mini Wheats is a complete meal. celebrate like David Foster Wallace but not all the way. notice at the end he disappears in the mist like he never lived, like he never existed at all.

CLICK HERE AND BROWSE LIKE A BIG MAC BACK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: the return of the McDonalds that was run into and its glorious doors opening again! i wonder what's inside!!! oil paintings for sure......of ferns or something. they gotta have the McRib to celebrate this, right? McRib and Holiday Pie for the 4th!!!

TWELVE TONES OF FREEDOM: OUR HISTORY

Cotard: the trick is to be seen but not get seened.

Codrus: this is never gonna work, brother. i've won from the start.

Cotard: not necessarily this time, brother. there's a crack in your skull.

the revolutionaries are getting rowdier. the din cracks into a crackling crescendo outside. Cotard can hear the pitterpatter of little pebbles being thrown at the unfair cop shields as if they were a stone dusty from centuries of pent-up heat.

Cotard: hell! the Stones Themselves! this is a once-in-a-lifetimes opportunity, brother.

Codrus: to see how the other half loses?

Cotard: for the first time it's the monks who are taking the lead. in this country the monks have such power over the land with their spiritual power they are more powerful than any president or fake leader. 

Codrus: yeah but can the monks FIGHT?! can they throw down! box! ring a nose?!!!

Cotard gently puts on his sash and turns it around his belly. his rather food-filled belly.

Cotard: that's what i'm gonna find out. what i'm made of. there's only so much you can do with a book. how do i look?

Codrus: i don't look at men! buy a mirror!

Cotard: are both sandals on the right foot? i'm not gonna test my homemade spear out just yet, i want to take the temperature of the room first, outside.

the two monks have just started work on their new home together. it's gonna be a stone place on the outskirts of town.

Cotard: place not palace. not too gaudy, especially in these times. i would say more Greek than Roman.

Codrus: YOU BITE YOUR TONGUE, CABRON. Roman is our blood despite your unfailing denials. we were meant to be eternal space time warriors! 

Cotard: by whom? on whose authority? who decides this?

Codrus: mom.

Cotard: come now you don't still believe in mom, do you? our destiny is ours alone.

Codrus: there's help i know it. and what about this mess?

Cotard: o you mean..........?

Jena Friedman: i was shocked. the country cops had my Instagram on lockdown, on private. i mean he was a rotten man but everyone uses McAfee software for their viruses without even thinking about it. he was the only person i ever DM'd with. i don't even DM with my boyfriend! my last text to him was:

are you still alive?

i can't deal with this. i'm a comedian, it's all jokes, you know? life is supposed to be jokes. witty acerbic jokes. it can't get too real or the act is ruined. i hope i didn't drive him to anything, all women should drive now for fuck sake it's now. was it something i said? did? realization hits hard in the instant like ramen. he still shouldn't have pulled a gun on me tho that was not cool.

Codrus: Julianna Zobrist? wasn't me. it's always the Christian evangelical blondes. Zeta shadow work.

Byron: it was me of course. i'm a fucking epic poet! i get all the religious nuts waving their King James Bible Versions in my nuts. those blondes are perky, she was not sleepy in my boudoir bed.

LeBron: don't see Space Jam for me, see it to see the Clockwork Orange sequel.

Dirg: and fucking like tame bunnies. maybe this will get baseball back to big business and America's pastime. when you're broke don't go woke, go soap opera.

Jacqui Jeras on the Weather Channel set:

Jacqui: my body is amazing. like a tightly-wound spring-mounted spring toy in summer. 

Shailene Woodley: Aaron Rodgers and i got through the sticky bits first. not sex, quarantine tape.

Aaron Rodgers: baseball doesn't have the sticky stuff anymore, the two of us got all of it they sent it to us.

Roger Federer to Rafael Nadal : STOP COPYING ME!!! you even WEIGH the same as me!!!

Tour De France: the women's tournament will not include S&M whips and pleaser boots on pedals.

Jennifer Esposito: if you're a celebrity, especially a babe celebrity, you need a team of 15 patrolling your Instagram immediately blocking at the first whiff of strange comments.

Chelsea Handler: i don't need a handler.

Doryce to Gladyce: dear don't serve the melon immediately after i shave. i shaved my head and don't want to get hair bits on the slice.

Gladyce: i gotta watch my spell fingers with this melon-baller.

Doryce: give me the melonballer when you're done, i wanna try something.

Gladyce: spaghetti with chili just hits different. it's just different from tomato sauce.

Tyzik: if you're drinking zero-calorie zero-caffeine diet soda, you're drinking weird water.

BB Easton: stands for Big Balls. i get ALL the cotton candy i want for free.

Jimmy Dean: i did not authorize my sausage to be plant-based!!! i'm JIMMY FUCKING DEAN goddammit!!!

Ricky Ullman: time travel is always useless in fiction. if i could go back and create the country of Palestinia 100 years ago i would. Julia Pott and i quarantined together at Summer Camp Island. she does all the work now, she skateboards, she gleams the cube, i drink mostly. if it seems i'm laying it on thick i'm hungry. haven't eaten anything in days. my syrup shipment hasn't come in yet on this godforsaken island. where are the people! all i see are cartoon animals on this deserted dump! i once had bagels with Eddie Munster and Michael J Fox.

Julia Pott: i bought myself a skateboard for my birthday.

Mike Lazzo: will you adult-swim facebookers shut the fuck up already?!!! i got you more Korgoth!!! the caveman in Primal is Korgoth!!!

Fuerza: normal humans, in order to survive you must go out. doesn't have to be to a strip club in Paris, it can be going out to dinner with friends. but you must go out or you'll end up going out prematurely.

Utah Jazz: we're Mormon but we really need to believe in Harry Potter more.

Gladyce to Doryce at The Store: dear get two Fabreze misters for Mardith's bathroom.

Doryce: i love misters, i love men.

Gladyce: our poor sexy stripper dear is too busy to care about her smell. Mardith poos bless her but she doesn't care about it after.

Takahashi: my only napkins are fast-food brown napkins.

Wakatobi: inside the menacing Madara is the high voice of a scared little boy named Tobi.

Laertus: are you still taking those little white pills?

Dirg: Coca Cola Tic Tacs, i swear.

Dirg: sorry Takahashi, 5 fat bald guys holding video-game controllers is not sports.

Allison: i was stokked being a pole-vaulter. i used the pole at Berkeley for college not to be a stripper. Golden Bears not that Golden-Bear stripper service. but the internet made me into a stripper.

the Promised Neverland kids: yay! we made it! we're free!

Dirg: oh come on! of course you're in frickin' New York City!

Isabella: we're gonna end up like Cassie from Skins.

Fuerza: i like that Mother.

My Hero Academia: like holding on when you're feeling down, Season 5 gets better...

John Travolta: my favorite music video of all time isn't Sting's "Fragile". it's actually "Travolta" by Mr. Bungle.

Fuerza: you'll only meet your soul mate at night. at a late-night party. at the Taco Bell drivethru at night. at a play, musical, film at night. but it has to be at night. night is when the magic happens.

Julia Pott: in L.A. ALL the parties are costume parties, not just the Halloween parties.

Gates McFadden: how did i prepare for my episode of Dream On? i rewatched The Exorcist. Dream On was a beautiful little show, it was this little space of 17-minute slice that was so intimate cos no one knew about it, you could put on your tiny one-act play in that box of four cramped walls. that show was Seinfeld with sex.

Dirg: Twin Towers still up. Dragonslayer (1981) poster still up on the office wall.

Eye Luggage: you did that racy role in the middle of your run as Dr Beverly Crusher! you go girl, youse a bad bitch.

Laertus: this was an era back when people still believed in and cherished books. worshipped books. book signings were a big deal. people thought of Waldenbooks as Disneyland. people found their soul mate at a bookstore. my dad told me all about it.

Madame Pons: if i had had cable back then i would have watched Dream On instead of Seinfeld!!!

owl: not cool dude. sup bird. you put the key in my eye to open the human world?!!!

The Promised Neverland kids: we all got a happy ending. we all watched Hamilton together...

Janet Malcolm: i left the world shook. i was never in the middle. i spun Charlotte's web with tungsten not gold.

Dirg: jokes, there are no more jokes.

Adrien Brody: i'm here to clean up Hollywood.

Boc: Pride Day?

Amazon: no, Prime Day.

Boc: i want to have a queerplatonic relationship with you but it's hard to strike just the right gradated balance.

Dream On: how did we collect all those billions of black-and-white clips and footage? our library was the original Library of Alexandria. 

Dewar's: try our 15-year-old. it's not what you think.

Madame Pons: Mardith dear it's good to only get into a relationship with someone who has done the shadow work. the inner leg work. but don't fall into that trap of blaming the other for your romantic woes.

Takahashi: sometimes Instagram is the only space you'll ever have to say goodbye to someone dear.

Jerry Seinfeld: they filmed Dream On in the same building they filmed Seinfeld. i was floor-neighbors with that guy.........i WAS Martin Tupper from a different angle of light.

Hellucinate: we still haven't conquered Codrus.

Dirg: an Instagram pic is the only time you can show your face anymore!!!

Dirg: the new GrubHub commercial, the woman slaps the man's ass with a dirty dishrag, i like it it's progressive...

Dirg: OH COME ON! Loki is already copying Doctor Who with all the forms and now there's ALREADY a female form?!!!

Fauci: variants. trust the science, don't be like Jon "Muskrat" Stewart.

Dirg: see? Ariel Winter and i are soulmates, we both have a mouthguard and take antidepressants.

Mardith: good on you for not staring at her tits. remember, Dirg, self-care means therapy.

Boc: i'm gonna need Hydro Mousse if i'm gonna get the Wimbledon courts ready in time.

Jon Rahm: everything happens for a reason. i dropped the bomb on you, sports media.

Pieds Libres: be your feet. own how you walk. walk like a bird. Caroline in the city, Marty McFly's mom really married Cedric Pioline. 

Dirg: walking the dragon? 

Mardith: not your cock, Dirg, it's a yoga move.

Bruce Lee: i've been doing that yoga move all wrong my whole life.

de Blasio: it's not a mayoral race it's Survivor.

NYC: Survivor sucks!!! it was only good the first season!

de Blasio: what are your top 5 favorite pizza toppings?

Bertie: i was the bird who landed on Bernie's podium. i made a nest in his beard. i'm a bird who likes beer. a Coors chickadee. it's not a vaginal rash, i'm too depressed to sing.

Mardith: i want to go to that place in Paris...what's it called?......

Dirg: whorehouse?

Mardith: the Giant Grey Folding Book.

Madame Pons: the Arc de Triomphe. 

Mardith: yeah no the book.

Isarah: we make the mulch for the space goats.

Julia Pott sees the Grinch on a Hollywood hill smoking pot.

Wolfgang Puck: you like soup?

Ariana Grande: yes.

Wolfgang: what is 1 + 1? what are your favorite brands?

Ariana: Campbell's. that's it. do you know how to sing?

Wolfgang: i sang to escape my childhood, i was the real-life Ingemar from My Life As A Dog.

Ariana: that is so sad. but i still won't be your chef, now gimme back my rolling pin.

Lorde: think of my cheeky album cover as Catwoman getting lapped in reverse.

Laertus's dad: you're not truly playing Dungeons & Dragons till you're playing it in a Pizza Hut in the '80s with prog-rock playing on the jukebox in the back. any will do, Asia, Yes...

Takahashi: Maybe can i have your tiffany lamp? No? okay i'll take Craig Robinson's lamp.

Craig Robinson: i use that for beddy bye.

Wilma: you mean betty bye.

Cecily Strong: my namesake taught me to never smoke. despite how stressful it is on that SNL set. the smoke'll getcha. even if you don't inhale. she now knows the real meaning of 42.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Carlos Reygadas: remember the end of Post Tenebras Lux? 

Eye: not really.

Carlos: at the end remember that shot of the man in pain in that mud lake? same mud lakes in Nuestro Tiempo.

Eye: Encino Man and go.

Laertus: called California Man in all other foreign markets.

Dirg: not cool man! California ain't just the coasts! California's the middle too! the middle's got nostalgia, too!

Eye Luggage: okay THIS is where i direct the cast. the podcast. we are so thankful that Cotard put us up for the weekend......well the summer. in his unfinished distinguished stone-marble Grecian mansion palace square thing. i am loving the flutes everywhere.

Cotard: it's okay to be gay.

Eye: we are situated right in the middle of the first and second floors, away from the danger of the revolution but still able to see it partake of it and learn from it. participate in it in our own way. the room is a box with no windows. but a plug. we get the Sundial's rays at night. the first Solar if we have something to say at night.

Eye: this movie starts and ends with Rose McGowan our PATRON SAINT!!! i'll drink to that. i bow to thee your black dark bad bitch holiness. this was the last time you saw Rose McGowan innocent and pure as the driven snow, in this role.

Laertus: it's the ONLY time. witness this freshfaced youth on your screen right now, glowing with a halo on her head, that's not the school's overhead slits, you'll only ever see Rose this way NOW. just another high-school girl with a softspoken voice, loafers, and her hair back in a bow. 

Rose McGowan: hi, yeah remember people, just THREE YEARS LATER and i'm doing Doom Generation. i remember this movie fondly, this was a light and airy set, Southern California sunshine. i have good memories here, this was my first thing after i had broken free from my cult. this movie marks my new life of freedom, it represents having an actual future, my foray into entering a brand new world of possibilities. 

Dirg: those van rug-burns on your knees musta HELLA hurt.  

Laertus: this was the summer of Pauly Shore...

Dirg: OMG i hate that guy! 

Pauly Shore: why does everybody want to punch me? i'm simply the typical Southern Californian. was it the frizzy fro?

Dirg: you're everything that's wrong with society, you know? you only got these parts cos your mom ran a famous comedy club.

Pauly: hey that was school for me as a boy. it was either the club or the cult, my choice.

Pauly: looking back if Wayne's World hadn't been successful i wouldn't have had a career. i would have had a normal life with a normal wife and normal kids. but i take nothing back, i love those two Angelina Jolie black babies as if they were my own. hey you gotta admit, i'm cute when i make those Weasel noises.

Mardith: i confess, yes you are, i'm seeing Pauly Shore for the first time and you are kawaii with those weasel clicks. 

Laertus: this movie was a moderate hit, a surprise hit at the box office. cos this was Pauly Shore's introduction to the world, his coming-out party, his display of idiosyncrasies and mouth mannerisms and language leverages. only the MTVers knew about him, this mysterious VJ who called everyone buddy.

Sean Astin: i don't want to be a nerd from Encino!

Pauly: then try out for football, trust me, you're gonna be a legend. not fat. what's wrong with Encino? Magic Castle arcade and Michael Jackson's Hayvenhurst mansion are here. i live on the beach. i'm called Stoney here but i'm not stoned, this is just how i talk, i invented the Valley Oop, i'm a valley boy. 

Madame Pons: Brendan Fraser was hot here! he was hot back then, well he still is, in fact he doesn't age at all. how old is he now?

Pauly: Brendan Fraser still works, i don't.

Brendan Fraser: i know i know i look like a dumb jock. except i'm quite the intelligent individual. like Frasier. i went to the same school Kurt Cobain went to to learn how to be a rock star.

Pons: it's the lips more than the muscles.

Brendan Fraser: i'm from Indianapolis where all the Magic Castle indy cars on the racetrack were built. now stored fossilized in a Sherman Oaks warehouse. 

Mariette Hartley: not the porn star.

Michael DeLuise: still mad as hell the cooking school didn't take me and kicked me out. i coulda used some of that tough 21 Jump Street love. i hate hanging people but it's better than the alternative. spoilers: i use the word fag. i mean it as a cigarette, i'm the cliche smoking bully tough-guy of the film.

Robin Tunney: it's weird seeing me as a kid. i only know myself as an adult, sunshine on my face.

Ellen Blain: i'm that annoying kid stepsister you tried to forget was your sister. then poof i'm gone! but i'm still your sister. i'll always be your sister. i live in Pacoima now where blood is thicker than ever.

Sandra Hess: first use of the word nug. i didn't sleep with Infectious Grooves, the band slept with me! i earned my stripes. yeah they were metal but not as metal as Mr. Bungle.

Dirg: i don't believe any of this science. another Ice Age? earthquakes? earthquakes are too convenient for me.

Spalding Gray: i can't speak to that anymore...

Sean Astin: i dig a pool in my backyard to be popular. what parents would allow this? i'm not a skateboarder.

Pauly Shore: the Mousterian bowl! so mysterious. where Mickey Mouse lapped Minnie's pinhole vagina. childhood memories. but then Ex President Bump had to buy out Disney and crush everyone's nostalgia. that man is too obsessed with names.

Pauly: Encino High School, which is Hollywood High. you know why i put a weasel's face on the flag of my scooter dune-buggy skateboard i ride on the freeway? cos most people don't know what a weasel looks like!!!

Pauly: why were the heaters on tho? to blow-dry my hair? the heat was good for Brendan's pits, made them smelly so he could attract a mate. yep you guessed it, the caveman learns about America from MTV, 7-Eleven, and Black Flag.

Pauly: you captivated by my flame?

Brendan: you turned me into a smoker when you waved that in my face.

Pauly: you gotta own your reflection, you're human not a vampire.

Michael Jackson: yes.

Brendan: there were vampire cavemen in my time.

Eye: i know, goths.

crones: at least HIS trash gets collected!

Estonia: where The Stones originally came from.

Laertus: oh god whenever i see an ice rink i think of that poor blonde skater who got a head wound on the ice on a film set and never realized her dreams of being a tv actress.

Brendan: that was my big dramatic scene, at the museum. i was so sad i wanted to drown in the La Brea Tar Pits. not my sadness, just drown. see? Dr Stone is all fun and games as an anime, but as real life it hurts. i told myself i was gonna run away with Sheryl Crow and make a music video there.

Dirg: losers! who celebrates the prom at their house? Fox Mulder was a thief. wrong play, difference is always celebrated and rewarded on the elite coast. 

Eye Luggage: all i wanted to know was what was on that cake, i missed that frosting.

Pauly: and suddenly this becomes Slumdog Millionaire. and suddenly this becomes The Blair Witch Project. the only thing we had at craft service was fries. i wrote a book about this. journal, same thing. 

Pauly: weasel catches the worm.

Dennis Rodman: no man, no brotha, i beat yo triflin ass in the bathroom.

gang-member gardeners: no ese, Carlos Reygadas catches us all. 

Link: i thought this was gonna be a video-game movie. with Bob Hoskins as Ganon. 

Fred Flintstone: there were some arcade cabinets at the ice rink. behind glass. why wasn't my body drawn like Brendan Fraser's?

Pauly: say good morght, Fred.

Fred Flintstone: good morght, Fred.

Pauly: heheheheheheheheh. good morght, buuuuu-dies.

Codrus: ...that eyesore in our front yard! we should be regaled as kings! instead of a proper patio and pathway and lawn we have a pile of dumpster dirt!!!

Cotard: i know. the yellow cranes are coming for the summer. not the birds the machinery, they're gonna build a beautiful marble driveway out of this space. 

Cotard: how do i look?

Codrus: why'd you shave your head? you looked good with that long flowing curling curly monk beard. at least carve a ram on top of your bald noggin.

Cotard: my shiny dome will collect solar power, first of its kind.

Codrus: where are you going at night?

Cotard: out. you see that building over there, the housey ranchhouse in periwinkle sardine-packed at the corner? that's not our Museum of Natural History. that's a recording studio.