Biden steps up to the podium. and clears his throat:
Biden: Black Lives Matter. George Floyd. see? easy. picture this, America. make THIS your Kodak moment. look at me. look at me here up on this stage. you turn on a small tv at work and you see my face on your screen. me at the press conference. and i raise my hand. and in that hand is a vial of the vaccine...
Phil from Nike has gone by many nicknames: Phil Swift. Swifty. Schwifty. and simply The Runner. but he's settled on the one which he will keep a lifetime: Kid Icarus.
Kid Icarus: *on the phone* Kaep?
Kaepernick: what is it, i'm busy. i have no more career for simply protesting...
Kid Icarus: we're prepared to offer you free shoes for life. you don't even have to do another commercial for us, we love you that much...hey, take it from a barefoot angel, that's a good deal...
Kaep: um, can you get me my job back in the NFL again?
Kid Icarus: wait on the other line...…...good news, Kaep, we got a quarterback opening...Drew Brees has decided he WILL retire after all...
Lea Michele is on her soft red sofa rotunda awaiting a call from her crisis manager. her phone is like if a white Persian cat were a phone:
Lea: you do one nice thing for them...…...i've been through enough! my boyfriend didn't want to be here with me! i am a sauce heiress!...…...hello? is it you? Kelly Ripa! i need your help!!!
Krist Novoselic is captured on drone footage moving a pallet of bricks to the open street of a great American city, he runs away quickly after. he's dressed in all-black but he's so tall he's still made out. Kurt Cobain arrives on scene and promptly spraypaints each brick with a red FOR COPS...
Cotard has a new bistro on campus, Montrio. where he prays with the local ministers. and pays the greens fees and fines of and goes to jail for that one local Bump supporter of the medieval cafe who opened ONE week before everyone else did. Cotard is constantly with eyes closed but he sees it better than everyone. when President Bump stands in front of Montrio Bistro with a bible in his hand, Cotard knows what to do:
Cotard: how dare he interrupt my beauty prayer. my minister meditation. i don't want to make an uncle ruckus so i don't reveal my position to Codrus's dummy. *snaps fingers* i know what to do.
Cotard sends out Asta to confront President Bump:
Asta: you have my grimoire upside-down! that's mine! this book means you have no power! no magic! gimme that! *yanks it*
Bump: kid, your voice is so damn grating!!! that's the most annoying irritating voice ever conceived!
Asta: no you. that's YOUR voice! at least i help people...
Michael Weiss is welcoming Alison Bechdel into the fold:
Michael Weiss: you don't love me, you just love this novel technology of Instagram to reach me...
at the Igloo, the crones are in separate beds...:
Gladyce: i hope you're wearing protection, dear...
Doryce: no need, i'm fucking Solace In The Wind under my covers. he's my own personal Skinny Aquaman from the tv. hey do you blame me? i got no Dutch Grand Prix this year...
Gladyce: no i mean face covering. wearing is caring. you're tilting at windmills on marshes and river locks, dear. i've got a real warm body under MY covers……...Justin Trudeau. how you doin? i'm sure you don't mind the cold...
Justin Trudeau stares blankly for a full minute...with those dreamy eyes...
Gladyce: do you love me, Justin?...
Justin Trudeau is speechless for a whole minute...
Michael Weiss, welcoming Rebecca Solnit:
Mike: you gotta be a speedreader when you're on Instagram...
Takahashi and Dirg in the Isuzu Elf in the parking lot:
Takahashi: Smile Empty Soul. great band, terrible name. i mean you really got to think about your name when you commit to being in a band your whole life. it's gotta be more than a brand, it's gotta be a name that means something. that's complex and all-encompassing of your sound and soulful...…...Smile Empty Soul? the more you think about it...you know?...there's just gotta be a better name than that...
Dirg: lead singer was destined to be in a band. father was a sound tech. and lead singer sings about how much his dad sucks. i like lead singer. i can relate to relying on tech.
Takahashi: how was it?
Dirg: in a word...magical…...
there's a Walgreens that's plum in the center between the high school campus and the college campus. this is a very special Walgreens. it's on a big steep inclining hill where the three winding municipal roads come together at a point. it's impossible to park and keep a parked car in place so everyone treks over there on foot as if it were a mountain-climb.
Lance Armstrong: i traverse this Walgreens by bike but that's neither here nor there...
Pat: it's an intimate place, an intimate space. a square on a hill, a fort. and when you enter it, it's a haven of secret drugs and secret brands and quiet potions and milk in glass columns and maps on the ceiling and dainty devices only available there, the prize of the spelunker who sacrifices to make the treacherous trek up.
on this particular day two lost souls will meet at this Walgreens while the shrubby area around the hill is covered in fog and the store itself is awash in a blanket of mist:
Dirg nudges into Madame Pons at the shower-mat-and-Christmas-cardboard-house aisle:
Dirg: Madame Pons? please let that be your real name.
Madame Pons: have we met before? in another life? in another timeline?
Dirg: no i think i'd recognize that...…...face. i'm trying to be good.
Madame Pons: you will never be good.
Dirg: *surveys the land with his hand* i love this place. golly-gee man alive. woman alive. the air up here is so refreshing. and thin like you. i mean you're fat in all the right places. this is where i get my Vanquish. it's weird, you'd think it'd be sold everywhere, it's so popular with the legal college kids, but this is the only place in the tristate area to find it!
Madame Pons: the local college kids, too...
Dirg: i cherish my white boxes of Vanquish. it's my booze. i rub my cheek on them and kiss the rolltab label. finding Vanquish here i covet the box by covering it with my vampire cape before it can be redlight-scanned.
Madame Pons: and redlined...
Dirg: and my eyes turn red. it's like finding the Holy Grail after a long journey. the Ice Holy Grail. White Yoda. Hoth Yoda i'm not a racist. like finding the Abominable Snowman's a nice guy after you have a chat with him in his cave...
Madame Pons: yeah i admit i've popped a Vanquish or two like Winter tictacs. when i'm trying to suppress my natural urge to eat meat. but the store generic brand works just fine, too...
Dirg: you bite your tongue, woman! then take more Vanquish for the pain. the tongue pain. there's only one Vanquish, the stuff's legalized cocaine pills! i hear ya, girl, on natural urges. what the feminazis don't realize is it's the natural urge of men to fuck...
Madame Pons: tell me about your father...
Dirg: how'd you know?
Madame Pons: call it a hunch. not a hump. i'm a licensed sensualogist…
Dirg: okay i'll forgive you this one time because even i have to admit Tom Cruise is cute. well, i hate my father. he was a mean monster and always will be. but i miss him, too. well i miss the idea of him. like i miss having a real dad, i want my dad but, like, another dad. it's like that commercial...
Madame Pons: you analyze commercials? why?
Dirg: that commercial with the son and mom and dad in a happy family unit in an airconditioned unit loft somewhere in Bellevue or Seattle, somewhere near the headquarters. a wooded apartment lost in the forest somewhere, cos places like that don't exist in my world. that father is so tender telling his son how as a kid in the '80s he used to stomp Goombas with no care in the world. and the kid reciprocates his father's tenderness---cos like father, like son, the tender DNA genes---takes time out of his busy boy schedule to design a game TAILOR-MADE for his dad that includes the Goombas of his youth. THAT's what's considered a birthday present in this household, not another skateboard! now THAT's a gift! THAT's a gift from the heart! a gift of love! sigh, i wish i had that with my dad...
Madame Pons: they say Goombas are shit, but they were made from shiitake mushrooms...
Dirg blushes.
Dirg: okay, date over, we did the whole thing in line. on line? we conducted the entire affair whilst the two of us were waiting in line. so whaddaya think? am i boyfriend material for you or what?
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: make Bubblegum Crisis an '80s movie!
Dirg: also, this is the perfect time to break out the original line "Fuck The Police!" from Mister America...
Dirg: come on, black-signal hand-fist Instagram emojis on your feed? that's the best you got? the best you can do? and they're not even brown, they're yellow...
Laertus: hey i'd love to be out there amongst the protesters marching with them.
Dirg: and betwixt them.
Laertus: but my legs are unhealthily and unathletically skinny.
Eye: you know, outside. just back from goth ride, what up. you know it's amazing, i went down to the arts district at Cannery Row and a beautiful painting out there smack-dab in the middle of the road was taking incoming traffic. it was merely an easel holding a square of black paint, a painting of all-black. but it's a button, you know? a jog. the flood of images comes back. go back. to what you were thinking before. thinking about now. remember. every person who sees that painting sees a different thing from their life: the BLM books they need to read now, helping out black small-business, elevating a black voice on Instagram. it's this reminder that stops you in your tracks in the street, you drop your four large Macy's bags and think about the Cause again, the Movement. time to march again, time to think about all those poor souls we lost......it's a trigger. but a good triggering.
Dirg: it's like Americans are being invited to one big Garden Party. i mean i am getting flooded on my insta with all the little white girls who are in this thing just for the black cock. i guarantee you, the celebrities have the hardest job, they have to parse each and every one of their words so thin like parsley before it's woke enough for them to hit SEND. it's a full-time job for a celeb to keep politically-correct and not say the wrong thing despite their natural urges. especially if they're white. but even if they're oliveskinned...
Laertus: admit it, you'd take the calumny in a comment from one clown who called you soft or a faggot or friendzoned cos you were Sasha or Maiara or Melissa or Issa Rae's roommate instead of boyfriend if you got the chance to be...her roommate! and be next to her all the time!
Dirg: hell yeah in a heartbeat. i'd go find where that commenter lived and punch him. now that's canvasing for office. i mean i get to wake up each morning, go downstairs, and Sasha Grey is in my kitchen twirling in her gypsy skirt making me marked-wavy-by-heat-waves sourdough toast with purple jam...
Eye Luggage: Space Jam and go...
Dirg: Michael Jordan CAN act, folks!!! off the top. it's weird tho seeing Mike kiss another hot-black-woman actress playing the wife who isn't Juanita. like Juanita just should have played herself here.
Laertus: i admit i had no idea Newman from Seinfeld was in this. and for that matter, as random as you can get, Patricia Heaton and the guy who voices Homer on The Simpsons. just cos.
Dirg: why is Bill Murray in this? he adds no value. like he's literally the guy they pluck out of a hat for him to be a character in this cos...Chicago? i mean it literally looks like this was done as a favor to the boss from the top cos the executive is Bill's good friend. there's no point in Bill Murray being in this.
Laertus: also in the stands should have been a skinny teenage Elon Musk in full braces-headgear and Lance Armstrong t-shirt and Johnny Depp/Leo DiCaprio X cap ranting and raving and spitting about how he wants to go into space to find the planet where only cartoon characters live...
Eye: it's a good thing they didn't do this while Jordan was a baseball player cos......i mean he'd have to really be acting then as a basketball player cos he doesn't play basketball anymore......just kidding, i'm not just a girl, i know, i get it. it was this film, Space Jam, which some say spurred Michael Jordan on to restart his basketball career and win those last 3 rings. he wasn't mulling a return, he was still all into the trappings of his baseball and father, but reading this script got him in those comfortable basketball shorts again...
Stephen A Smith: best part about The Last Dance? Willow Bay. i said it! remember? everyone forgot about Willow Bay...
Laertus: next time you interview her ask her about what her husband knows about The Toy Story dude...and if it filters down to Nickelodeon intro cartoons to animated films...
Dirg: let's get this outta the way now: soundtrack. pretty hype, right?
Eye: all the dopest rhymes and freshest beats of the day. of the '90s. only rivaled by the The Last Dance soundtrack...cos that soundtrack is all '80s...
Dirg: what kid's only dream in life is to play for North Carolina?...
Dirg: hey son! you're pretty good at this basketball thing! all those balls are going in the hoop! and that's not a camera trick! you're a little kid but with the right shoe, you can do anything...
Eye: Jordan can act. i love how he wrinkles his eyebrow whenever he's bemused.
Dirg: Jordan's best line: beep beep
Laertus: don't call him bald! don't you DARE call Jordan BALD!!! that's the WORST thing you could ever call him...
Laertus: okay so the cartoon aspect of this. Looney Tunes are great and a great choice and all but what if they had gone darker? it was too light and airy. they allude to PED use but why not just come out and directly address the issue head-on. show Yosemite Sam with a spike in his arm. the Monstars were obviously juicing…
Dirg: yeah, show Bugs Bunny's urine test, show him peeing on camera…...peeing orange...i didn't say Lola's...
Laertus: Swackhammer, they should have had Wayne Knight do his voice, Newman does a GREAT evil voice, as a contrast to his real-life bumbling doofus counterpart in the movie.
Takahashi: Moron Mountain? they've GOTTA come up with a better name than that...
Eye: did you know Lola Bunny was introduced in this? everyone thinks she was created in the '30s.
Dirg: it's not Lola per se, it's Lola in those short shorts. i've cummed to her so many times but i defy you to show me a presidential candidate who hasn't. i mean let's be honest: Lola Bunny created the first furries...
Laertus: and of course this film predicts a virus will sweep the NBA and the world and shut everything down...
Eye: let's talk about Jordan's NBA friends in this...
Dirg: his homies...
Eye: i mean first of all, Larry Bird. remember, kids, Larry Bird was BIG TIME at the time.
Laertus: shoulda kept that line in the script where Jordan tells Bird on the golf course,
bitch fuck you. for giving me that scare. you gave me a heartattack almost beating me with that hole-in-one...now you have all summer to work on your golf swing...
Eye: Charles Barkley's hilarious linereadings! and Shawn Bradley. cos. just cos. the token white dude. but back then that was nbd.
Dirg: let's face it, Muggsy Bogues. this is the best time he ever had in the NBA. i mean how could he have had a good time being so small and knocked around the court all the time every second? and Patrick Ewing with that shimmy and shake as he was being possessed...
Laertus: in all seriousness, we hope Patrick Ewing makes a full and speedy recovery from covid. and for fuck sake, MAKE PATRICK EWING THE OWNER OF THE KNICKS ALREADY!!!
Dirg: give Bugs and Daffy a proceeds of all the merch sales. Patrick Ewing on the psychiatrist's couch. that's next week. talking about the "problem" he's having which is an allusion to him not getting enough sex affecting his play. except they use the line "getting it" "getting enough". sly. it's gotta still be PG, kids!
Dirg: wait was this supposed to be a 3D movie!? i forgot my glasses!
Eye: i love that catcher, literally cheating cos it's Jordan, telling him what the next pitch will be. that's how they do in the minor leagues, folks, this ain't no Bull Durham!
Dirg: sorry but that elongated Jordan arm at the end looks scary, creepy, unnatural. like bubblegum...
Eye: will the Tune Squad win again? find out NEXT time when LeBron takes over!!!
Dirg: yeah so this was Who Framed Roger Rabbit for kids. g'night, folks.
Eye: wait…...LeBron's on the line with us here in the studio...making a house call to our podcast...he says he won't be able to do Space Jam II cos he'll be busy the rest of hs life explaining racism to Drew Brees...
Eye: and so we have Lori Loughlin on the line as the replacement. Lori Loughlin! girlfriend! babe! what is going on with you! what the hell was this whole affair! what's with all the sturm und drang? you coulda just copped to the plea, done your TWO MONTHS, and be over with this thing a LONG time ago!
Dirg: yeah, your mother needs you!
Eye: Fuller House needs you!
Dirg: dammit.
Lori: fuck Catherine Bell. those were all MY jobs. i've been working out in prison, on the rowing machine, i'm coming for her cakes!!!
at the prom Pat is in his Sunday best, on Saturday…:
Julie: you look so spiffy! let me tongue that twirling bowtie for you. did you talk to your mom?
Pat: no. my dad wants me to talk to my mom more but i hate that cramped room.
the bullies hulk up on stage. the stage of the basketball court where the DJ table is. and knock the pile of records to the Maplewood hardcourt. like crossing animals. they form a line encircling the entire dance like an army invading its own country.
they single out Pat from amongt the crowd.
bullies: you! golfboy! show us what you got!
as Pat is about to take out his balls, Mike steps in...
Michael Weiss: my hands are up! hey hey, fellas, let's diffuse this situation. before things get out of hand and constitutions are shredded. i mean have you noticed why are there so many train emojis on Instagram, it's weird...
JUST THEN Julie takes out a gun from her chihuahua purse and points it at the bullies...
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