Germane Grimes, who looks exactly like Troy Evans, is the landlord of The Pigeon, the massive apartment complex nestled in the central wooded park of Obec which shoots straight up. there are countless square apartments in this place all in a cylinder with a grey asphalt roof with pipes and brittle eaves and nets for the birds and Jeff Goldblum to play in.
Germane tells all his residents this, and resident relatives, and even stragglers and stray passers-by to the building for that matter:
Germane: don't call me super. i'm just the landlord. i hate talking about myself. i'm the best thing to ever come from the middle of the country. don't worry, i'm not like a rude nurse or anything, i have empathy for your problems, cos i was a person, too, once. before i got this job. i'm not homophobic nor any -ist, i'm a real human with feelings who actually cares and knows what the fuck is going on. once more with feeling. i'm not like some hellbent toxic-ooze worker oozing resentment and green grievance who feels he was wronged out of his job and has to take revenge on unseen forces. there is no invasion. i'm not one of those guys who stands in front of the building he got fired from and selfies his middle-finger at the building. i could never do that to this building, i love this building too much. more than myself. and life itself. i'm not my own boss, we all answer to someone...
everyone is in each of the apartments...their apartments are all numbered the same...in Czech...
Germane: i'm proud to signal that the elevator here ALWAYS WORKS. all the signals will light up when pushed. all the buttons are wired together.
he encounters Takahashi in the elevator first this morning:
Germane: so how'd your date with Gianca go last night?
Takahashi: shhhhh, it's not a date, i'm tutoring her in the ways of branding. not Allison Mack branding. like my new trainers? i'm the King of Trainers...
Germane: she got those for you? so...…...i know you want to tell me something...
Takahashi: oh yeah. Sprite Ginger. Sprite Ginger just tastes like ginger ale...
Germane: and why does everyone on Instagram all eat McDonald's?...
Germane waddles under to get to the crones' apartment:
Gladyce: hello dear! where are your tools?
Germane: i got a small dick, Doryce, that was elongated like a belt when i had to fit through this hole to get to you guys' place. if it wasn't for this ladder i'd be a mole with no hope!
Doryce: not that tool, your box.
Germane: oh it's simple enough. don't worry, ladies, i don't need to shield my eyes, i've seen all kinds naked. how's the jacuzzi in the middle of your room?
Gladyce: well you know, we use this pool for everything, it's our spell mirror. we can launch ourselves to any location on the globe from here. that's why this central hub is so precious for us to maintain, you understand, right honey?
Germane: i love it when you call me Pooh. how's the bubbly? where did you go last night?
Doryce: The Blue Lagoon in Iceland. cos it's Iceland, it's an actual safe country for us old broads.
Germane: i loved Brooke Shields in that, i'm gonna tell Taka about it. oh you just love over there cos you can apply white stuff all over your face, it's a clay mask but to you it's that comforting sensation of cum on your face.
Gladyce: wanna swap? just for awhile...
Gladyce: and of course i was the one who had to be the responsible one on the trip so while she was marauding the mud i was out at The Store---local branch---buying all the goods. everyone likes consuming the goods but the goods have to come from somewhere. and the good are the ones who do it. whenever i take something off the shelf i have to flip the label to see the city it's from, very time-consuming.
Doryce: and if you don't know the city you have to look it up...
Gladyce: you do this at the supermarket? you're looking at a shelf of goods silently, astutely, like an oil painting at a met art gallery. and someone speeds into your aisle charging with his cart. and you have to pick out the box or can you want INSTANTLY before he comes and crosses your path! YOU HAVE ONE SECOND TO CHOOSE!!! or the item is lost to you forever. before your arm gets taken off!
Doryce: taken. chopped off by a cosh. nicked by a neeson. licked by a liam. so what's the deal with the lights in this room? we're always in the dark.
Germane: well you're getting around paying your electric bill like everyone else in the building by instead hanging Christmas lights on your ceiling here.
Doryce: yes but they're not coming on.
Germane: simply plug them in here...at this outlet in the hot-tub here.
Gladyce: oh so THAT's where the plug is. it looked sketchy to us. thanks, dear!
Germane: no prob. i'll be back. thank goddess for small ladders in tight spaces.
he slowly heavily squeezes himself into the hole and out the next level.
Doryce: oh yeah, sorry for all the grimoires on the steps of the ladder, there's nowhere to put our spell and cooking books, our magic waterfall system takes up all the space!
Germane: tell me how you like the blue-neon-lit-up droplets of your rainfall-showerhead next time...
next is the rowdy kids from across the hall:
Dirg: imagine naming your film or album Coming Soon. you can never have enemies in life, cos eventually you have to work with these people. the main reason not to be a racist is you don't want to end up on Inside Edition...
Eye Luggage: Taka i love going fast-fooding with you, but it's the sauces which are the killer, they messy everything up.
Laertus: hey Dirg, do some work around here! earn your keep! when you take out the trash, including you, make sure to keep the lids of the wheelie-bins open to let all the flies out first.
Dirg: those wheelie-bins out back---the green one, the blue one, and the black one---are fucking FILTHY. a decade's worth of grime and cobwebs inside them. i ain't cleaning them by hovering them one pass of rinse with the hose, they need to be FUMIGATED! COVID-LEVEL FUMIGATED!
Laertus: your soul needs a deep cleaning.
Takahashi: how does the world's people find the time to do anything online enough that it makes social-media conglomerates trillionaires?
Eye: look at my spell hand, i'm beginning to summon the muses!
Laertus: exciting, dear. and i love that i can't see it cos your hand is gloved.
Dirg: so much for my gloved green thumb. i tried to get into that Lily's Garden game. there's nowhere for a garden in this concrete jungle, the roof's offlimits. strange fucking game. what's with those commercials? where Lily gets pregnant and shows the test to the dude who immediately gets outta dodge. man-hating anti-man much?
Laertus: or realistic. there's more realism in games these days...
Eye: i finally got my queening stool! it was strange, it hung up on its side on the wall of the lady-trainer shoe store...
Pat: hey guys. tinga tacos for everyone. here.
Eye: how you doin', boy.
Pat: hanging in there as usual. hanging out with Sharon Needles. i'm a woke sinner. driving a Holden Torana. with my glass fingerblade. eating only coronation chicken, the only thing i can afford. Dirg, i brought you some brigadeiros.
Dirg: oh yes, Brazilian truffle chocolates sweet with sprinkles. sprinkles are for winners. Brazil, a real man's country!!!
Doryce: i don't need pigs for this one!
Eye: how'd your date go, babe?
Madame Pons: how you'd think. it's Dirg.
Dirg: it went okay.
Pons: like this:
Pons: it's a waste to double-bag things, Dirg, you know that, right? carry your items on your head, that's what a head was made for. it's evolution.
Dirg: so i'm driving past these shelves when a light bulb busts. now i know why Australians love vegemite so much. it's like eating a beer for them. i'm not going back to that Swiss-chalet-restaurant Federer owns with you anymore, Takahashi, unless they start serving cenovis...
Laertus: Federer does own everything he sees.
Eye: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: The Simpsons, Family Guy, and Bob's Burgers make more sense as NBC cartoons...
Tyzik: oh and it's a good thing Bubblegum Crisis was done in the '80s, you just can't get away with a show glorifying police anymore...
Eye: The King of Staten Island and go.
Laertus: first time watching a film that was meant to be in the theatres instead during that same timeframe period watching it on home in-demand video. what a strange sensation. i feel like i'm cheating somehow. never thought of my tiny room's tiny tv as a home theatre before.
Dirg: yeah, no Sasha Grey. weird experience. how do they determine box office?
Germane: people think i have a Staten Island accent but i like to think of myself as having a "world accent" that welcomes all. i'm cosmopolitan like a Sex and the City drink.
Laertus: this is the closest thing we have to a regular Saturday Night Live season for the foreseeable future. with a regular. but we must get into the trailer first off. weird. there are two scenes in the trailer which don't appear in the film: the scene where Pete Davidson says, "well, he's still dead, just in case you were wondering" looking at the grave of his father with his family at the graveyard. and the other one where Pete is at a silent disco...
Dirg: blame it on that's what happens when the drive-in theatres are banned due to a bogus virus.
Dirg: in my version all the men sang "One Headlight" perfectly, all complete, in unison bearhugging, no missing lyrics, in front of the American flag...
Eye: fun fact: this is my first Apatow movie! never saw one straight through cover to cover.
Dirg: 40-Year-Old Virgin? never saw that one? don't all chicks see that one as a guide? like that's you guys' ideal perfect man depicted in that movie. of course now the screaming of "Kelly Clarkson!" takes on a more somber tone given what's happened...
Eye: okay but Bel Powley. right? she was a pow straight to my kisser! what a performance! her accent in this is FLAWLESS. as sublime as it was seamless. no crack whatsoever. i SERIOUSLY thought they had gotten a local actress to play this part, that she was a real Long Island Lolita. she's fucking British! those Brits can act circles round Americans.
Eye: Isabel. not Taco Bell.
Dirg: at first i thought she was ugly-hot. like more chubby than shapely. has a kind of Kermit The Frog mouth. but then i saw her nude and was like okay i get it. cute butt. Judd Apatow would never forget and think Maude Apatow was hot, right? of course he doesn't have the pressure of running for office...
Madame Pons: i just want more soap and moisturizer commercials with Judd's wife and their daughter please.
Laertus: Maude has a very silky calm soothing voice, it's smoky like a jazz club. quick, describe all of Pete Davidson's tattoos...
Takahashi: all mistakes after a day. except the ones dedicated to Pete's dad. this is what i keep telling Dirg about tats. you know it's weird. it's just strange to act in a movie in which you're doing fictional scenes based on your real life. like, you're ACTING your REAL life. yourself. you as you.
Laertus: first scene tells it all. the pain, suicide by car, but then it would be a PBS Imagemakers short.
Dirg: Marisa Tomei HATES that all she plays now after Spider-Man is mother roles. this was supposed to be her comeback. she wants to be sexy again, people! she's on the My Cousin Vinny clock! so does her sister! she gets all up and gets to touch and touch up Marisa's tits and ass and slap those titties and slap those ass-hams and maraud them to prove a point of letting those assets go to waste by not getting another man. those national treasures. lucky bastardess.
Laertus: college is overrated. President Bump went to college...
Eye: you know what this is? this is a story about life on the wrong side of the tracks. the people depicted here are rough, they talk rough, they talk like it is. holy shit is that Moises Arias!!! from Jessie!!!? this isn't a Disney movie! he looks cute short with a goatee! he's gonna take all the parts that should have gone to Cameron Boyce...
Laertus: i think it's pretty cool they used a real local New York---well maybe New Jersey---fire department as actors in this, gives it a realistic look. but i still wonder why they didn't go ahead and make it full-realistic and have the story be Pete's father dies on 9/11 like in real life...
Dirg: would have been too painful for Pete to bear. and Cuomo was too busy building ventilators to sign off on the papers. that superhero the kid dreamt up was WAY stupid and derivative, don't get a kid's hopes up the kid thinking he's the next Stan Lee just cos you don't want to hurt his feelings. holy shit! is that Bill Burr the rage comic!? he looks FUCKING WEIRD with a mustache! tho i do guess he does play off Pete nicely, i'm assuming the majority of this script was improvised. yeah Pete can't drown in a pool, people don't realize just how tall Pete is, he shoulda been a wigger basketball player.
Dirg: holy shit! and i called it! i guessed it, as i watched that scene, i was thinking the tattoo-artist was Machine Gun Kelly. and i was RIGHT. after i checked the credits!
Laertus: turns out Pete and Machine Gun are good friends. THAT's how Pete got to Ariana Grande, it was a producer thing, it wasn't Pete's rhymes himself.
Eye: Machine Gun Kelly has a way to him when he acts, his lips are smooth and suave when he speaks, has that silky Ryan Phillippe to his talk.
Laertus: but of course we all know what the beef is about, Machine Gun is Eminem's illegitimate son...
Laertus: best part: The Office ringtone. that store manager who was robbed is the man without the puppet, Robert Smigel himself. without the puppet he always plays that guy that you forget about. best part: the cat-butthole tattoo around the bellybutton.
crones: our cat familiars FINALLY get representation in media! the cat's FRONT is always shown but not the BACK. cos it's cuter or something...
Dirg: no, best part was mangled Obama...
Dirg: best part: i mean this is what i would've changed: Marisa's sister. she and Pete should have actually had sex to stick it to the new father Bill Burr. and when Pete is in bed with her, the line is:
Pete: can you cum in the Bobby Hill voice?
what happened to Pamela Adlon anyway? she was skinny in the '90s. she blew up! Crohn's disease is the thing The Royals have, right? disease of the crown? i know the Meghan Markle thing is closed but...
Laertus: they take stuff seriously. i mean one of Pete's lines is a confirmation that he will indeed hurt himself and his sister should be worried at her Halloween party. so much for the scary soiree. the world is filled with supersmart people who just need that nudge to apply themselves. if they are just given that tinge of hope. Buscemi is there just to be the monk of the group...
Eye: ...yeah, he's pretty calm and chill. and the line should be why he's go calm at the stressful job of being a fire chief:
Buscemi: *said softly* i eat people in my spare time...
Laertus: don't worry, Pete, the best start off working at restaurants. Zach Braff included.
Dirg: but not Ian Holm.
Takahashi: yeah so the ending. i mean it's touching and everything but Bill Burr is NOT gonna like having all those crazy tattoos on his back, like, in another day...
Laertus: last line should have been:
Pete: i love you, Bel. but let's face it, Kate Beckinsale with me is the ultimate OTP! of all time!
Bel: true. i could put in a good word for you. we English actresses stick together.
Pete: thanks. and console Elizabeth Hurley for me while you're there when you take the ferry to England...
Dirg: yeah cos they're all tarts. oh god! i don't mean anything by this, but that random injured fat man scared the hell outta me! i mean that dude coulda been ANYBODY! Antifa or something. look, it's her fault, Marisa Tomei is an emergency-room nurse so she has access to needles, the needles used for Pete's drug addiction AND the needles used for his tattoo mishaps on young kids. i mean I'D stay forever living as a kidult with mommy in her house, too! i'm living with Marisa Tomei!!!
Dirg; oh god! i can't get through a flick without a Chalamet being in it! every time i see a ferry now i, unfortunately, think of Working Girl.
Eye: or as Peter Griffin sees it, Working Squirrel...
Dirg: if you're a loser, it's not your fault, it's genetic. it's your grandparents' fault. if you're a fireman, NEVER have kids! DON'T start a family! if you're a fireman, you're REQUIRED to be a celibate priest. you were never meant to be happy. at least Taco Bell wants to be a city-planner, she wants to be like our President. i have two confessions to make now: first, i really AM taking anti-depression meds. BUT i am a man and am still able to cum buckets even tho i take the meds...g'night, folks...
the crones are still in their jacuzzi in their room:
Gladyce: orange smoothie? huh, why not...
Doryce: i like smoothies, but they're too loud...
Gladyce: dahlin you think we've earned enough of a reputation to become members of the Galactic Coven?
Doryce: definitely not an elite squad known as anymore. sure. but you know the politics of it. the bureaucracy of it. The Long Grey Line of those bitches.
Gladyce: shame our cat familiars couldn't get in a workout after the film. there should be cat shows the way there are dog shows, Best In Show. you wouldn't need a leash nor a handler!
Germane comes back in.
Gladyce: hello, dear. how much do we owe you?
Germane: oh no. nothing. always nothing. i work at your pleasure. to get things done. i'm here to help. no money. you know what to do to pay me back.
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