Friday, January 31, 2020



* not that thing that keeps tuna cold

* you know i'm just realizing this now as i do this post: i really owe a lot to Captain America whatever my politics. i didn't see the film cos i shun blockbusters like the coronavirus but now i wish i had. there'll always be another Woody Allen film. those scenes of a painfully-skinny Steve Rogers who eventually bulked his way up to superhero strength should inspire me, i'm even MORE skinny than dat dude was at the start now. my pipecleaner arms are the pipeceaners to the pipecleaners. of course i never had time to actually drive to the gym and lift weights, the only way i could bulk up was with that strange powder...

* see the thing is tho, you can't park a car in the harbor...

* red herring (kept cold): this commercial is actually about an old curiosity shop

* Jackson Pollock was alive this whole time and paints in that studio! nobody notices him cos his paintings just sort of blend into nature.

* Chris: hey Rachel, how are you? how do i know your name?
Rachel: i think you did an SNL once, dunno, stop bothering me, kid.
Chris: drat. want a commemorative plate from when Richard Scarry spoofed Sound of Music? want some Buddhist gold circles to rim with your tongue?
Rachel: i want your shield. i need it when i meet people. why did i leave SNL again?
Chris: your gall bladder never recovered form the Debbie Downer Disney skit.

* John Krasinski: so now obviously this needs to be a sitcom.
Chris: hey pal, leave the heavy lifting to us real dramatic actors, your lane is comedy. you as Jack Bauer!? don't make me laugh. that's why they're bringing back 24.
John: patience. i am in touch with my emotions, i hold up signs written on them my feelings.
Chris: what are you on? there's nothing in these coffee cups. Pam is my real-life wife...that sounds like something which could be true...

* John: i'm gonna squeeze in here and park the car.
Chris: no you ain't! too small!
the car turns into Chris's blue jacket.

* Big Papi: hey. Boston is my fucking city, but that don't mean i have to speak like you idiots.
Rachel: the only way the world will survive is if someone who looks like me can communicate with someone who looks like you. come on, big guy, loosen up! going to the rippah tonight?
Big Papi: excuse me a what!?
Rachel: ripper. party.
Big Papi: i thought you were making a pass at me. don't joke around about farts in front of big guys, we're sensitive to that sort of stuff. when big men fart it can cripple a city with a green marine layer.
Rachel: so THAT's why the river turns green!

* Rachel: Papi, can you be our musical guest? you play music? you play a sonata?
Big Papi: of course! i'm in Boston you madam of the mushroom midgets. i'm in the Pops and the Philharmonic! fuck the Phillies, they will be the next team to cheat...

* just a simulation, the car doesn't really do that

* John clicks the clicker. his eyes start blinking uncontrollably...

* Rachel: Dorchester?
John: no that's where Lawrence O'Donnell lives with his family alone...

* Chris: you unparked it? how is that possible?
John: as you can see the car is no longer there. it disappeared. cos it got stolen.

* Trent Reznor: wait, what city is this? i smell neon signs everywhere, and the smell of sex and seance...
Rod Serling: the ghost car is actually my car. driving driverless on an empty tank. it gets REAL good miles.

* Casper the Friendly Ghost is driving the Smart-park Sonata past Rachel and new friends.
Casper gives Rachel the middle finger.
Casper: am i am joke to you!
Rachel: Boston changes a lad...


happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: my Super Bowl Splurge: normally i cannot stand buffalo chicken. it's cheating trying to be a chicken it is not---how can you be both a buffalo and a chicken? it's playing chicken and being a chicken. but i will relent this one time cos Taco Bell Queen on Instagram told me to.

SUPER SUNDAY: it's not about Mahomes v Garoppolo. it's about Kelce v Kittle......not their play on the field, their playing the field if you know what i mean. never has chocolate freckled with rice krispies tasted so good


Jules said...

What thing that keeps tuna cold? (see sex lives of the potato men)

Captain America - I’m not a fan - he’s too clean, unlike the potato men.

You actually can park a car in a harbour (see sex lives of the potato men)

I can tell you exactly why the river turns green - too much salt and vinegar (see sex lives of the potato men)

and the smell of sex and science… are we back to tuna again? (see sex lives of the potato men)


the late phoenix said...

okay okay, i'll try the new Ruffles ridged chips instead of the chips I normally get, those chips that come in red and blue bags. these red and blue bags have no labels nor logos on them, they're all-red and all-blue...cos they're so big and recognizable and illuminaughty they don't need labels...they're Doritos...*)