Wednesday, January 8, 2020


Chris Matthews: World War 3. let's play Hardball!!!

President Bump looks down at his shaking finger. the finger starts to move without him, swirling in a wild discordant direction counterclockwise, flipping his gold hair up and side-to-side.

Bump: father said there'd be days like this. i can't stop the shaking! this is beyond my magic i mean my powers. he comes through clear as day, i remember him and it as if it were yesterday:

Codrus really appears to Bump in the present right now:

Codrus: it went something like this: i told you: hey, you, there are gonna be days when everything goes wrong. no matter what decision you make, you'll lose. the day and your paltry life.

Bump: what button do i push!? the twitter button or the red button?

Codrus: either way, i win.

Bump pushes the red button on an ornate gold-plated-skeleton music box made in Russia delivered personally by Putin himself as Bump's only Christmas gift. instead of a ballerina popping out when the 30-minute dirge ended, a little puppet of Putin in Snoke makeup popped out to make Bump sigh and feel better about himself.

Bump: i know this is the button which will launch the tiny missiles which will hit the tiny helicopters which will cause WWIII. not cool, God! if this is your idea of a sick joke to make me join Weight Watchers, it won't work! i will be fat! i know this is a TRICK QUESTION! you're testing me! there are no cultural sites in Iran except the Cradle of Civilization. but it seems there is no choice, there's no point being President if you can't make the choice, if the choice is made for you. there have been casualties on both sides...

Bump pushes the red button, the box becomes Pandora's Box...

at an Iranian desert outpost, George Clooney comes out from behind the shed in full-regalia costume, he has salt-and-pepper hair now from his own age rather than makeup.

Clooney: are you sure about this?

the Iranians: it's fine, it's fine, we're pranksters at heart. our rock concerts are crazy.

Clooney: it's just...i got this plastic sword and everything...i know i said i'd do anything for World Peace, i signed the contract without the blindfold. i was feeling a little useless after my wife---who could play The Queen---won that UN award. i know the real Soleimani huffed it outta here and is hiding in a bunker somewhere in the World Desert, he is still The Big Chese, not me. i'm just the proxy. he has the 8 babies, i, me, well, i started my family late in life. it's just...i'm not real good improvising in front of a camera on live tv. how about i just leave you a case of my drink and leave. you need drink in the desert. whether it's the coffee or the wine, either will do, what you need is the drink of distraction.

Greta Thunberg flies in the sky. she flies all around all the world's skies. no wings of any kind, she just flies. a strong gold glow emanates from her core...

Greta: my legs use the power of thunder!!!

Mrs. Slocombe is seated at The Golden Globes next to Ricky Gervais:

Slocombe: i wanted to use minge, too. but minge isn't another word for cat.

Pat Sajak: so my daughter's taking over. but honey, don't go down the Vanna route.

daughter: i know, pops, showbiz is a rough business.

Pat: no, the Playboy thing.

Alex Trebek: anyone else find it strange you have the regular Jeopardy shows on at 7PM and then an hour later you have the 8PM special GOAT Jeopardy show? i don't care, i got to FINALLY say bitching on tv!

on the ESPN Ticker, it says Joel Embiid will not play against the Celtics.

Stephen A: why NOT, big fella!?

Embiid: cos i don't wanna!

Stephen A: okay.

a cow skedaddles and slowly runs to the center of the NFL field, where he hugs the 50-yard-line, plops his big ass and himself and his lain udders thud right down there on the center lane and begins tenderly chewing on the grass. not like it's cud, like it's the staff of life. this cow is getting on in years, and eats the grass accordingly, as if it could be his last meal. that grass is so good this time, it's not rote. the cow begins crying and his tears fall from his eyes to water the grass of the NFL field, as if the cow knows that this beautiful singular experience is happening now and ONLY NOW

Scott Morrison takes the lectern. a wood lectern that's on fire.

Scomo: look, Australia. i don't appreciate being called Scomo! it sounds like Scum! Boris, back me up here. wait, you voted for the resolution!?

Boris Johnson: hey, i was the butt of the world's jokes for months now! it's someone else's damn turn! i had the funny name. now i'm Bojo and you're Scomo!

at the Treehouse:

Madame Pons: cat familiars! where are you!?

cats: we're here. call us Minge and AYBS. the other one gets flack and fur for that name, gets mercilessly called SOB.

Pons: okay, just want to remind you i got you your pouch of wet cat food for the biweek. see, i never noticed this before, all the wet-cat-food pouches are all FISH! no CHICKEN! it's like a wedding list at the Catskills! i'm sure you want chicken by now, right? so i switched brands...

cats: just kidding btw. those aren't our names, we have names but we forgot them, they're too tedious and constricting for our largeness and largesse.

there's a big wedding happening, as these things tend to at the end of a season. Finn is marrying Rey, much to the chagrin of Kylo who's in the audience---on both sides of the aisle. the flower girl is of course Carrie Fisher's daughter---course not curse---. and Lorde plays in the background.

Lorde: sorry, is this the Power Rangers funeral?

Kylo: i've controlled my rage since then, i go to couples therapy alone now. the fact that the aisle is split in two is NOT the result of my swinging lightsaber.

Finn: are you sure you want to do this, girl?

Rey: i mean, not really, but...i fit the profile of a pleaser...

Finn: i know about profiling. want to smoke my pipe with me?

Rey: i'm afraid of carbon-monoxide poisoning. look, man, you're a nice guy and everything, we're mates. but...…...i've been fucking my brother in the movie. the dude is WideBoy, i couldn't see anybody but him!

Finn: you and Kylo? WideBoy and WifeBoy? okay, okay, i will not get angry. rule #1: never show anger to the fans on twitter, you're a celebrity, you do NOT have to respond. it's cool, it's just...Poe is with Palpatine...and i was gonna have the same power as you in one draft so we'd be related. we're all doing our part to make the final Star Wars script better.

a dark arm from the darkness touches Finn's shoulder. it's The Master.

The Master: i prefer to be called Indian Mulder. don't be disappointed, mate, i'll show you how to get The Force i mean a spark so you can win Rey over in no time.

Finn: it's too late now. it's over.

The Master: i'll show you the ropes. it might involve ropes. oh hillew, oh Doctor Who, can you come over here and get on your knees?

Jodie Whittaker jumps from the wedding crowd in her overalls.

Jodie: i'm a feminist, they fuck the dirtiest, cos they can. sure, i'll play your little S&M game. knowing full well that it's I who's always in control. okay, little man, what do you want me to do? where do you want me to be?

The Master: get on your knees, look up at my eyes, and say my name.

Jodie: Indian Mulder.

Finn: yeah i gotta admit, that was hot.

The Master: see, it's all about submission and dominance. the boss is the one with the charge card. the M stands for Master and the S stands for Scully. make sure your safe word is the true real name of The Doctor. now the only drawback is you can't think of her while you're masturbating cos she'll know, she'll see that same image of her in her mind, she's the Doctor.

also guests are JJ Abrams, Dominic Monaghan, and Evangeline Lilly:

JJ: that's JJ, my name isn't Jar Jar Abrams. what happened?

Dominic: with the reviews?

JJ: no, with my lens flares.

Dominic: sorry bout that, the spider that's named after me crawled in front of the lens...

Evangeline: i can't believe that line worked on me. i was wet behind the ears, from all the water surrounding us, Lost was my first big gig. i guess i held onto you for support during those tricky first years of a successful production. the thing was, our relationship was purely show-based---True Showmance---we actually had no relationship outside of the show.

Dominic: you never went nude, i had to become a nudist against my will to maintain balance and chi. luckily we were on an island. what line!? what i said was true: you are an angel sent from heaven walking the earth and you are more beautiful than a flower...your face is like if a flower sneezed and all the pollen landed.

Dom: hey JJ, buddy, i stuck with you through the bad times. and the sad times. and the lean times. we gotta get that Lost revival in place...i'm not really working at the feet are killing me...

Gaucelm: lover! i got a proposition for you!

Llywarch: uh oh here we go.

Gaucelm: we can kiss, one last passionate time. on our tongues! we can lock hooves. but then i have to disappear forever!

Llywarch: why must love be impossible?

Gaucelm: too much static. electricity.

they snog. and Gaucelm disappears. but to Gaucelm, it is Llywarch who disappears.

Rubikon: impossible. just like Instagram. i've figured out Instagram. it will help me when we launch our voting blitz on their platform. campaigns aren't about analytics, they're about feelings. crazy feelings. Instagram is crazy people talking to other crazy people...

the crones pass by the singular Salvadoran mom-and-pop joint, now at the mall:

Doryce: so it seems they're branching! expanding! franchising! i just hope they keep the old recipes from the Country Back Home.

they enter the McDonald's and everyone erupts and yells SURPRISE!!! everyone is there, eating with cake on their shoulder, and wearing their tiny Grimace birthday hats with the string around the neck.

Gladyce: don't put that on me, i got a turkey neck, it'll never come off!

all the workers are there. and there's a big Christmas tree in the chrome corner of the McDonalds, white from all the vanilla shakes poured on top of its branches from flipped cups. decorated ornamented with McDonaldland cookies on strings. and the fuzzy green on top isn't mistletoe, it's pot. in the back of the kitchen...

Gladyce: HEY! it's the cute girl from the bbq joint! hola, como estas? it's all Spanish in the end.

girl: it's all Salvadoran. remember what i taught you with the stirring spoon? here's your sweetback, now STIR that motherfucking huge vat of liquid gold!

Gladyce is stirring a big chrome vat of...……

Doryce: *smelling into it* THE STUFF THEY MAKE THE MCDONALD'S HOLIDAY PIES WITH! that gooey yellow filling!!! i thought you guys had forgotten the holiday pies this year!

McDonald's: Feliz Navidad!

Doryce: look what else, dear. put on your blindfold. smell that?

Gladyce: it's a Big Mac.

Doryce: but one without the toy middle bun, that bun is your gift, your new Christmas toy! and notice the buns.

Gladyce: *squeezes Doryce's derriere* firm as ever.

Doryce: *smileful playful slap-away* no, the buns are special. they're made with that specific wheat flavor of Oroweat grain you love.

Gladyce: the soft kind? with all the calories intact and the butter down the middle of the loaf!? THANK YOU, my eternal! i love you! i do wish they would spell wheat right, i can't find it at The Store!

the two kiss in the middle of the room and everyone---workers and weightwatchers alike---rise up from their booths and clap. the workers decide to close up early so everyone on the planet can enjoy a day of love like this.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh...what could have been!? thanks to Pam Grier all black women---and white women for that matter---could all be wearing fros NOW! the fro would be the only hairstyle women ever wore!

Eye: how glorious! i hate straightening my hair to look goth.

Tyzik: Macaulay Culkin could be happily married right now to Trini from the Power Rangers! and Boris Johnson wouldn't have won the Election if video nasty had never happened!

Eye: The Castle of Cagliostro and go.

Laertus: torn. on the one hand it's Miyazaki's first and you start to see his turn to positivity even in this

Dirg: anime was a mistake. let's face it, Miyazaki is just a wholesome guy. his beard is whole wheat. it's weird seeing ScarJo wearing a Miyazaki T-shirt, it's like he's been to her dungeon...i just hope when they drain Master Miyazaki's pool it's not a basement.

Dirg: inkers are not writers. those dolls were sewn for nieces.

Laertus: ...on the other hand, yeah it's Lupin. i mean the original manga author said Lupin would have raped that girl not saved the princess in the castle.

Dirg: Lupin was never meant to be likable. okay, JJ Abrams?! what can you do, it's all Disney Plus now.

Tyzik: i don't miss Dragon Ball the way i miss Gundam. but i'll miss Lupin most of all leaving toonami...

Dirg: John Lasseter was influenced by this. i'll just leave that here...

Eye: one thing which made me snort out loud was when Lupin does the air-swimming mid-water from plunging down below the waterfall he's caught in, very Looney Toons. it's weird seeing Fujiko as a's just...weird she's not a redhead...

Dirg: admittedly i got excited when Fujiko starts to unzip her one-piece platoon suit...but then i forgot it's Miyazaki.

Laertus: not One Piece. the english translation?...

Dirg: shoulda just went with Windsor Castle as the title. that would have communicated the slytherin sinister dark double-dealings of the place.

Laertus: REALLY confusing that the anime company is named Manga...

Eye: akogare no Paris, the Paris of our dreams. Lourdes. where it's just art and magic and no gangs. fetishized.

Dirg: where the marauding hordes came in primitive times to ransack and collect their lolicon collections. hey, anime thinks all Americans wear cowboy hats.

Eye: Fujiko as a lady-in-waiting? she's too impatient. we all think of Lupin heroically......heroically giving us stories of gritty realism about criminals. just give that mustache-twirler a Captain Planet ring already, Miyazaki would have loved that! he would have flipped! this proves humans will never care for the environment, they were too stupid to care that Atlantis was below them! this predicts the mess we're in now quite nicely where the World Government doesn't trust each other so they tell the truth about war and lie about trade. we'd have all been better off with autogyros, not cars. i love how Zeni and Lupin work together in this one, saves on running.

Laertus: the autogyro is the PERFECT kawaii anime aircraft...

Dirg: when Lupin trusts the girl not to squeal and she gives him water, that could have been dirty toilet water thousands of years old from Atlantis!

Eye: if you have to use drugs, it's not love. sorry, raves. that tower was both floating and had a bottomless trapdoor. see? nothing good happens when the clock strikes midnight! stealing hearts IS a crime!

Dirg: Fujiko should have posed as a weather girl, not a reporter, would have been more believable.

Eye: i love what Entertainment Tonight has done with the place, have you seen what they do now? they get real actual celebrities to co-host with them! now THAT's blurred lines! i mean now it's simple for the reporter to just live on-air shout out her crush on Henry Cavill and that she wants to meet him.

Dirg: every woman wants a superman. not a witcher.

Laertus: it's more subtle and nuanced. most want a cavalier. when they were good.

Eye: they had to go so far in the opposite direction from the moe characterization of Clarisse here that they made Clarice Jodie Foster with all the whipsmart intelligence and bright gravitas that real women have! good night, folks, i need a long hundred-year princess nap!

outside stalking the rally, the 200 motorcycles rev up their hog dust and wait for the signal:

Rubikon: wait here, fellas. and keep an eye on Linda Ronstadt, who's with us thoroughly enjoying her barbecue with greasy fingers and messy mouth riding bitch on her own bike. gah, i love women who eat!

Linda Ronstadt: *mouth full, mumbling* this tastes like Miss Piggy...

Rubikon: i'll whistle if i need ya. i want to do this alone, don't want to expose you to any unnecessary danger, you Salvadorans are too valuable to waste on him.

Rubikon storms inside where President Bump is at the lectern speaking:

Rubikon: *under his breath* do it do it say what you really want to say. *shouting voice* i'm surprised. i just heard a heckler at your own rally razz you for being impeached! wow, you're losing your touch, sir.

Bump: get him out of here! *the crowd jeers and throw their fast-food trash at Rubikon*

Rubikon: hey! black woman on stage! get the hell off the stage, your contract is up! you were a good actor, do some August Wilson next time. this is getting insidious now, it's invaded Army Football! is nothing sacred anymore? not even football? the cadets were using the o-kay white-supremacist hand gesture.

Bump: hey, i mean how are you supposed to signal okay anymore tho? that's not that, that was Order 66, gotta get rid of those Jedi, they are bad people. 66, not 666!!! i know it kinda looks like Q but it's not...whatever, let's get out of here, i'm late for jury duty...

the crowd leaves, replaced with the Dem Convention, who promptly nominate Rubikon to be their Democratic Presidential Candidate for 2020. Rubikon comes dressed for the occasion in his MTailor tan suit...

and gives his first speech as the newly-christened man:

Rubikon: i am humbled, and chastened. i will be your man and your woman. i will get the surgery i need to fix this country. i will be your servant. i am here for one reason and one reason alone: to get rid of those horrid Fox News links. right? no matter WHAT subject you search for, the damn Fox News link to that story is always fucking FIRST on your start page! not just news, sports and pop culture, too! that is downright DYSTOPIAN!!!

in the future, every new President of the United States does two things on their first day: they or she or he sign their First 100 Days into law, throw a gay wedding, then get ready that same first day for their impeachment trial that night...


Bathwater said...

That submission and dominance can get very alluring once your partner opens up that door.

the late phoenix said...

Bath: that The Master/Doctor Who scene with Sacha Dhawan and Jodie Whittaker was hot as hell, really scrambled their eternal dynamic in a new never-before-seen way...