Friday, January 24, 2020



* remember that guy with Penguin glasses who at 2AM in the morning would come on public-access AM tv wearing a Riddler coat and have a huge two-ton tome in his bony hand explaining EVERY SINGLE get-rich-quick scheme in the world, including one where the government would pay you to go to college? he talked fast and loud as if he were on speed. that guy always gave me such hope about my future. but then he told me that actually the whole "Super Bowl Commercials" thing was a scam. but i refuse to believe that. to me Super Bowl Commercials still hold magic, still have their charm, they're different from regular commercials. special. i just don't understand why they preview them early...

* we had this ice brought in from the Arctic.
Chrissy Teigen: where's his cock?, i can't see it.
John Legend: lord tell me about it, story of my life married to this woman.

* John: wait, so this isn't a Ritz commercial?
Chrissy: these crackers are kind of stale, wish i had gotten the Triscuit account.
Cecily Strong: no you do NOT!!! those commercials with me were terrible. the job i had to do with Lorne to save face, he said i could stay on the show but had to give up my anchor chair. you know how every show there's that one dud skit? yeah well THAT writer wrote my Triscuit commercials!

* John: they tried to revive Kid Icarus, rebooted his wings to make him more manly, but the original game will always be king.
Chrissy: just like the original John is the best, my king, John Mayer.
John: seriously? i go on tour with that dude, he's my best friend. that white boy has more soul than me!
Chrissy: sorry, babe, but NO ONE can resist John Mayer's twitter.

* Chrissy: NOT MY FAULT! this should have been an oyster waterfall!
John: *sniffing* these oysters smell exactly like your...
Chrissy: DON'T SAY IT!...…...oh look! these Gwyneth Paltrow candles are so cute!!!

* Chrissy: i've never said heck yeah in my life. have you seen my twitter?

* Chrissy: in the infamous words of Shaggy, it wasn't me!
John: damn, babe, that's a double-shade! i KNEW you wanted a rapper not a singer.
Chrissy: you're more of a crooner.
John: that's a slur in my family.
Chrissy: i'm a random girl, HE did it, John Legend!
John: what do you mean!? you are WAY more famous than i'll ever be!

* John: *sadface* you never make that orgasm-sound with me.
Chrissy: oysters, babe, these are oysters!

* Maria Butina: thanks to MY work you spies get the latest in gadgetry, cars, and intel.
spies: what intel?
Maria: you know the David Tyree helmet-catch? deepfake.
spies: what exactly did you do for the government? your job application was left quite blank.
Maria: there was no box for sexpionage.
spies: what was your secret?
Maria: no contraband necessary. just root beer. the aged vanilla knocks em out cold.

* guards: we have British accents but they're barely detectable, we're in Germany...
Toucan Sam: where do you want me?
Phoenix the director: not a Froot Loops commercial. bird used differently here.
Federer: not a Tropicana commercial either as i found out the hard way. gonna use my extra frozen-orange-juice cylinders as batting practice.

* Spyfall second draft with The Master as a ninja...

* Ryan Reynolds: i'm watching a funnier commercial on my phone.
The Weeknd: they stole my neon.
Folgers: they stole our 1850!

* Ryan Reynolds: not cool, we're all security guards here. even if i happened to vote for Bump.
guard: by the way, you can't win Rock Paper Scissors, paper could never defeat rock.

* ready to race Fast & the Furious-style!!!
they all are stalled cos this is a Carvana...

* woman: before you say, no this isn't appropriation, i really am an olive-skinned Greek woman...

* already better than that Speed Racer movie...from the trailer i thought that movie was gonna be the next Titanic...

* police: no chicken better.
other police: Popeye's?
police: Polizei Chicken, we arrest before anyone gets shot over a sandwich.

* locals: HEY!
drivers: sorry, were we speeding?
locals: no, did you see those huge bottles of wine at our front gate?
drivers: no.
locals: good.

* locals: HEY!
drivers: sorry, were we driving backwards?
locals: no, do you have any more brioche buns, we're out.

* just going through this German wood...they'll be writing stories about me...

* THERE you are, Pete Davidson!

* Pete: who wants to be the bad guy, aye?
olive woman: me. i'll take that electric charger.
Pete: got news for you, bird, there's no more electricity on earth, how you gonna be green now?
olive woman: look at my skin.

* Greta, who has dyed her hair blonde, gets into one of the cars...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: prop bets for the Big Game:

* the color of the Gatorade: green but not lime...
* how many points: 200
* which porn star will Jimmy G get with the night before: Jenna Haze and Sasha Grey BOTH come out of retirement!
* will Demi Lovato bring her new boyfriend up on stage with her: yes
* which team will win: the red one
* will there be a 4th-and-50 conversion: no

this works for the Pro Bowl game this weekend, too...…...except for the last one...

No comments: